Shattered Essence (9 page)

There were nearly 150 people in
attendance. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, including my parents,
who couldn’t have been happier for me. I’m sure there were times they thought I’d
never get over Drew. I hadn’t though.

Jake and I were standing outside of
the pavilion waiting for the best man, Josh, to welcome us in. Jake was talking
to the photographer. As I waited in silence next to him my mind started to wander.

I loved Jake all though I wasn’t
completely convinced I was
in love
with him. I didn’t love him the way I
once loved Drew.

Sure, Jake was a good guy. He was a
supportive, good looking, owned his own garage, made decent money and I knew he’d
do anything for me. What was there not to love?

His only fault was that he was a
jealous fool with a tad bit of a temper, which scared me. When his temper got
the best of him, he was downright mean, ugly, and scary as all hell. It wasn’t
just his temper that had me doubting my decision twenty minutes after I said  “I
do.” For one, we didn’t have anything in common. He pissed me off more times than
he made me happy.

I knew all of this before I agreed
to marry him. I made a conscious decision to marry Jake. I guess I just wanted
to be loved again.

But he did make me laugh, and
laughter is the best medicine. Right? He didn’t know it, but he helped me bury my
past. Jake was a perfect distraction. He was the challenge I needed in order to
keep my inner torment hidden.

Jake kissed my hand and asked, “What
are you thinking about?”

“How happy I am and how much I love
you.”

Liar liar pants on fire
I
thought as I briefly kissed his lips.

He hugged me into his chest as I
heard Josh’s voice say, “Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Mr. &
Mrs. Jake Anderson.”

The pavilion erupted with cheers and
whistles. I smiled at Jake and together we walked to the dance floor where we
danced to UB40’s
I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You
, our first dance
as husband and wife.

Spring

Drew

My brown leather chair had certainly
seen better days. The leather was worn and cracked, the wheels squeaked, and it
wobbled a little more than I would’ve liked. Even with all its problems, I loved
it! It’s conformed to fit my body and still had just enough cushion left to be comfortable.
I was sitting in my crappy chair in my home office, going through the mail,
thinking about my marriage to Paige over the last three years.

Paige was a good mom in the
beginning. Paige did her best to keep Megan busy throughout the day. They
attended the neighborhood play parties. They went to the gym several days a
week for swim lessons. Paige constantly had Megan involved in some sort of
activity. If they weren’t playing with dolls they were counting, learning
shapes and colors. Paige had taught Megan the alphabet and she was currently
teaching her how to write her name. With Paige staying home, I knew Megan would
be in a relaxed, nurturing environment. I didn’t have to worry about Megan
picking up bad habits from other kids, being picked on, and of course there was
also less chance of Megan getting sick.

Once I caught them having a tea
party. Paige looked adorable sitting in a tiny pink wood chair three sizes too
small. She was drinking imaginary tea and nibbling on a biscuit I couldn’t see.
It was one of a handful of times I had fallen for her. As I opened the utility
bill and placed it on the pile of bills to pay I continued to think of my
marriage. Paige had definitely stolen a piece of my heart. I truly believed we
could be happy; I adored Paige. A part of me would even say I loved her. We had
problems like most couples, I suppose. The biggest problem in our marriage was our
consistent fighting over money. In February of last year I turned twenty-five
and was granted the right to use the inheritance money my grandmother had left
me.

I believe money should be saved, not
advertised, and certainly not wasted. It’s nice to know you have it if you need
it. If handled correctly it would ensure the next generation would also be taken
care of. Paige on the other hand, believed if you have it, spend it. You can’t take
it with you when you die.

Since I received my inheritance
Paige changed. She had no desire to work. She refused to go back to college and
spent most of her time shopping. About a year before Paige had started
complaining about being lonely. She craved interaction with other adults. I was
the only adult she talked to on some days and apparently my conversations were
boring. Here need for communication outside the home was the reason she
insisted on getting a nanny and housekeeper. After several heated arguments I
agreed to the nanny but put the kibosh on the housekeeper. I agreed to hire a
nanny three days a week. I did everything I could to make Paige as comfortable
and happy as possible. I didn’t mind that the house was a disaster more times
than not. I took pride in caring for her and Megan. I tried to show her I
valued her the best way I knew how. I made sure Paige had everything she
needed. After all, it was the least I could do for the mother of my child.

As a result she spent less and less
time with Megan. To make matters worse, I found she was opening credit cards
left and right. Sure, I had money and neither one of us would ever have to work
again. I chose to work, though. I needed to work. I wanted Paige to accomplish
something she would be proud of, anything that would fulfill her enough to make
her happy. Unfortunately at this time in her life she had no interest in
bettering herself. I only hoped she’d change her mind in the future.

It was a challenge trying to get my
career off the ground, to be a husband and a father. Some days I was so drained
from work I can’t wait to get home. Other days I’m so drained from being home I
can’t wait to get to work. My days off where filled with fixer-up projects,
cleaning, and laundry. Currently I am working on removing the vinyl flooring in
the kitchen and replacing it with ceramic tile.

I knew I loved being a dad. I love
the way Megan hides behind my leg when company comes to visit. I love the way
she laughs. The way she cries. Most of all I love the way she pats the chair
next to her and says, “Sit. Let’s talk. I tell you story.” Megan was almost
three years old and was starting to speak in complete sentences. She loved to
be read to. I think I’ve read
Green Eggs & Ham
by Dr. Seuss more
times than I care to admit. There was even a time or two I dreamt about eating
green eggs and ham in a box with a fox. She was growing like a weed and was
constantly eating animal crackers. As I leaned back in my ratty chair I opened
the credit card bill. All I could see was red.

My happy time was over!

Walking
into the kitchen I yelled, “Paige!” I could feel my blood pressure rising.

What in the hell was this woman
thinking about?

“Why are you yelling? I’m right here,”
she said from behind the island in the kitchen.

Paige could have anything she wanted
within reason, and this was the problem. Paige didn’t spend money within
reason. She spent it as if it was impossible for it to run out. I wish I could
convince Paige to stop spending money so foolishly. I took a deep breath in an
attempt to control my rising blood pressure.

“Do you want to explain this to me?”
I was pissed and part of me wanted to strangle her. Before I looked for a
length of rope I had to hear her out.

“What is it?” She looked at me
inquisitively.

“Do you want to explain this credit
card bill? Not just any bill but an eight thousand dollar bill. Eight thousand
dollars, Paige!” I could feel the vein in my temple pulsating. “What in the
hell did you buy for eight thousand dollars?”

She simply stated, “Shoes.”

“You have got to be fucking kidding
me, Paige!” I needed to simmer down before I really went off the deep end. I
sensed my nostrils flaring and the vein in my temple felt like it was going to
explode.

“Why are you getting so upset? You
told me I could buy some shoes,” she remarked.

“Yes, Paige I did say you could buy
shoes. I was thinking one or two pairs, not the whole damn store!”

“I only bought five pairs,” she said
as she leaned into the refrigerator.

She wouldn’t even look at me. I needed
to control my temper before speaking. In as calm a voice as I could muster, I
said, “Paige, you have to stop spending money the way you have been lately.”

She pulled out the deli tray and
slammed it on the counter. “I told you I’d ask before I bought anything,” she
hissed through gritted teeth.

“Paige, I don't need you to ask. I
just need you to be responsible.”

“I am responsible, Drew,” she
yelled.

“Really? This month, it’s eight
thousand dollars in shoes. Last month it was fifteen thousand in jewelry. The
month before, it was eleven thousand dollars in gifts.”

Completely unglued now, I continued
raising my voice with each word, “Gifts, Paige! Who in the hell spends eleven
thousand dollars on gifts? More to the point who in the hell deserves an eleven
thousand dollar gift? Not to mention I’ve never even heard of that store in
Nebraska.”

“Hey, it’s the only store of its
kind in the whole United States. And it wasn’t just one gift, it was a
Waterford bowl for my parents and a Lalique vase for your parents for Christmas,”
she snapped back.

“I don't care, Paige! I’m just
asking you to be reasonable. What’s gotten into you lately? Why are you dead
set on spending as much money as you can?” I asked, trying to understand.

“You have more money than you know
what to do with, Drew. What does it hurt for me to spend a few thousand here or
there?”

“What?” My vision started to blur and
the vein in my temple was pulsating again. “Are you insane, woman?”

I held my hand up, motioning her not
to say a word. “I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, Paige, by giving
you free rein to get what we needed for the house.” Taking a calming breath I
continued. “However, I can see you believe shoes, lavish gifts, and jewelry are
household items. I want all the credit cards back, Paige. Going forward you
cannot open any more credit accounts.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I’ll be
giving you an allowance.”

Her mouth dropped opened and her
face turned red with anger. “You can’t do this to me, Drew!”

“I'm sorry Paige, you’ve left me
with no choice. I don’t know what else to do.”

“Drew, I can do better, I promise,” she
pleaded as tears pooled in her eyes.

I placed my hands in the front
pockets of my jeans because part of me wanted to comfort her, the other part of
me demanded she understood where I was coming from.

She walked toward me. The tears
rolling down her face made me feel like a real jackass.

Placing her arms around my waist she
said, “I can do better, I promise.”

I wasn’t ready to give in just yet.
“That’s what you said three months ago, and yet thirty four thousand dollars
later I have yet to see any improvement. Your spending is getting worse each
month and I don’t know what to do,” I said into her hair.

“I will do better, I promise,” she
said into my chest.

Finally calm, I removed my hands from
my pockets to return her hug. In a quiet voice I replied, “We’ve been married
for less than four years. In the last year you’ve spent over seventy thousand
dollars.” Rubbing her back I asked, “Please tell me what I should do.”

Backing away from me, she wiped her
eyes before saying, “I don’t know, Drew. I
will
try to do better.” Rolling
her eyes at me she continued, “Although I don’t know why you’re so upset—it’s
only money.”

I could feel the pressure building again.
It felt like she was toying with me. I did what I could to remain calm. “What
do you want from me, Paige? Really?”

Looking through me she put her head
down, shrugged her shoulders, saying nothing.

I cupped her chin in my hand bringing
her head up. “Is money the only thing you want from me, Paige?” I hated asking
the question but I had to know.

Staring me straight in the eyes,
“What do you think?” she said sarcastically.

I didn’t have an answer and I didn’t
want to fight with her any longer. I turned to walk away.

In a soft dry voice she said, “Your
money is a substitute for your love.”

I froze mid-step. Turning on my
heels I asked, “What do you mean, Paige?” A part of me loved her and in a
matter of seconds she’d managed to crush me to pieces.

“Why don’t you love me, Drew?” She
tilted her head toward her shoulder. “Who hurt you so bad you can’t open up
your heart to me?”

Walking back to her I took her face
into the palms of my hands. “I do love you, Paige.”

“Then why does it always seem like
you’re a million miles away every time we make love? Who are you thinking of?”

“All I need is you. Please believe
me.” I said pulling her into my arms before gently covering her mouth with
mine.

She broke our kiss and whispered in
my ear, “If this is going to work you have to let me inside even though it
hurts. I need to see the broken parts.” She kissed my neck before saying, “Tell
me Drew, does she look like me?”

I didn’t know how to respond. She
was nothing like Esperanza. I opened my mouth to tell her but nothing came out.

“Drew, please tell me who broke your
heart in the past so badly you won’t allow yourself to love me.” Her arms where
still wrapped around my neck and she was searching my eyes for an answer.

Pulling her into my chest I spoke
into her hair. “Please understand. This is who I am! There is no past. No
broken heart. No lost love, only you.” I’m lying my ass off, of course.