Shattered Essence (17 page)

“Dr. Moore, do you have results from
the scan?”

“Unfortunately, Jake has not been
responding the way we’d hoped he would.” He opened a large yellow envelope and
pulled out an X-ray of Jake’s brain. “The results indicate Jake is brain dead;
he can longer breathe on his own.”

He held the X-ray to the light and
all I saw was black. I could make out Jake’s skull, but where his brain should
be was only a black void.

Confused, I needed answers. “I’m
sorry Doctor, I don’t understand. Jake was moving, trying to talk less than
twelve hours ago. What could possibly have gone wrong?”

“The swelling in his brain didn’t go
down as we would have wanted. The swelling increases pressure inside the skull.
The pressure buildup makes it difficult for blood to flow to the brain. This
deprives the brain of oxygen as well as blocking fluids from leaving the brain,
making the swelling worse. Regrettably, the skull’s thick bone protecting the
brain offers very little room for the brain to swell.” He looked uncomfortable
and his demeanor was one filled with anguish. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Anderson.”

Could this day get any worse?

I was going to lose my freaking
mind. I squeezed the bridge of my nose in the hopes of gaining my wits back.
“What’s next?”

“You can let the machine continue to
breathe for him or you could take some time to say goodbye.”

“What in the hell am I supposed to
do?” This was too much for me to handle. I wanted to shoot the doctor, scream
from the top of my lungs, and beat the shit out of Jake for putting me in this
situation. I had to walk away.

“I need some fresh air,” I said as I
turned to walk out of the building.

As I headed to the elevator Josh and
James each took a hand and walked with me in silence. It was as if they knew I
was falling apart.

I was sitting on a bench with my
boys in front of the hospital, thinking. If Jake’s brain was dead, was his soul
gone? Or did it need to be set free? I became aware of the calm feeling I had
experienced at home. Surprisingly, I understood. It was time for Jake to return
the life he’d been lent.

An hour passed before the three of
us walked into Jake’s room.

I held Jake’s hand and leaned into
him, caressing his face with my other hand. “I know it’s not enough for me to
say I’m sorry. I should have paid attention. Maybe I’m to blame. I should have
been here. I will never forgive myself.” Tears were streaming down my face. “It
is such a shame it has to end this way. I promise I will be what you need me to
be.”

I kissed his lips lightly, “It’s
time to say goodbye. I hope you find peace. Love you.”

This by far was the hardest thing I’d
ever had to do. I gave everyone a chance to say their goodbyes. Everyone in the
room was desperately trying to be strong when we called for the nurse.

When the nurse came in and removed
the tube from Jake’s mouth it took no less than eight seconds for the last bit
of air to leave his lungs and fifty-three seconds before he was pronounced
legally dead.

The boys crumpled to the ground
along with Anna. Betty surprised me by wrapping her arms around me. I was
completely numb. All I wanted to do was break down but I couldn’t, not yet
anyway. I had to stop the flow of tears. The boys would be looking to me for
support and comfort. I couldn’t be there for them if I was a blubbering idiot.

I needed to start thinking about
funeral arrangements. Moving his body back to Colorado Springs, should I cremate
or bury? Who do I need to call? The boys came to my side and buried their heads
into my shoulders. I let them cry as I rubbed their backs.

I honestly didn’t know what to think,
what to do. I couldn’t feel. I stood in Jake’s ICU room, frozen to the floor. I
couldn’t fathom Jake was dead. Jake was gone. Jake would never be coming back.
Jake would never make me laugh again. Jake was dead, as in never taking another
breath. I had mixed feelings. I was glad he wasn’t going to suffer through
months of chemo and radiation therapy. I was glad he would never have to feel
pain again. I was bitter that his boys would continue to grow up without him.
Jake would never see them graduate from high school. He would never see them
get married. He would never get to see them turn into men.

Oh God, I can’t believe I will
never hear his voice again.

I was devastated. I would never see
him smile again. I would never hear him laugh again.

I hated myself for all the times he
complained of a headache and I blew him off telling him to go take some Advil.

All the times I hated him for
letting me down. All the times I wanted him to be someone else. All the times
he was an ass and I wished him dead. I especially loathed myself for those
thoughts.

Be careful what you wish for,
because you just might get it,
I thought.

Why did every man I ever loved leave
me?

Drew

I had an icy chill all the way to my
bones. It was raining something wicked out. The ceiling creaked and a window someplace
in the house was whistling. The wind was blowing so hard I was convinced the
roof would blow off.

I was brushing my teeth in front of
the fireplace trying to warm up. I was brushing along, up down up down left
right up down, when I suddenly felt despondent. Out of nowhere an empty pit formed
in my stomach. I was nervous even though I had no reason to be. I had an
overwhelming urge to cry. I was all choked up. My mouth was full of toothpaste,
preventing me from swallowing. I blinked several times to keep my eyes from
shedding tears. I was struggling to fight my emotions. I could feel my stomach forming
into a ball. I was breathless. I placed my hand over my chest as I tried to
breath through my nose. My heart felt like it was made of lead. I didn’t
understand what I was experiencing. It was a strange sensation.

There was no reason for this
outburst of emotion. There wasn’t anything going on in my life that would
result in the feelings I was having. I stood with tears in my eyes and
toothbrush in hand, contemplating what in the hell was going on. My thoughts
and my brain agreed there was no reason for me to be in despair.

I started examining the impressions
overwhelming me. In my mind I wasn’t sad. I had no emotion, I was simply
thinking about the experience I was having. Except, ultimately, I felt my heart
troubled. Every part of me wanted to break down and I didn’t understand why. The
last time I was this miserable was the day I left the dude ranch and Esperanza.

When I was eighteen!

Present
Day

Espe

All my life I have been drawn to the
mountains and the ocean. When I was a kid I used to love visiting my Aunt
Sally. She would always bring me to the beach. I would sit for hours playing in
the sand listening to the waves crash on the shore. The sound soothed me. It
was peaceful and I felt like the ocean was talking to me. It would tell me
anything was possible. I could be and do anything I wanted.

I was excited when I was promoted to
a senior partner and asked to relocate to San Diego. I had lived half my life
in the mountains. Now I could spend the other half of my life near the ocean.
As an added bonus I was living closer to my Aunt Sally. She was getting up
there in years and my parents were glad I would be around to check in on her
every now and then.

I had only been in San Diego for
four months and there was no doubt I missed the mountains. Sure, there were
mountains east of San Diego but it wasn’t the same as living on a mountain or
driving through them every day. One thing was certain; I was fired up about no
more harsh winters. No more snow. I wasn’t going to miss warming up the car
before going to work. I would never have to shovel the driveway again. No
longer would I be hibernating from November to March.

I was optimistic about leaving
Colorado. I was given an opportunity to close one chapter in my life and begin
a new one. One filled with promise, sunshine, beaches, and warm weather. I was
content with my life for the first time in years.

My boys Josh and James were playing
college football in Nebraska and living on campus. Both of them received scholarships.
James for athletics and Josh for academics. I was proud of my boys and I knew
their dad would’ve been too. I worried about them constantly. I was grateful Jake’s
parents lived less than an hour away. For all the crap Jake’s mother, Betty,
put me through over the years she was crazy about the twins. As soon as they
were born her whole attitude changed toward me. I’m not sure what changed but I
was glad it did. She had always spoiled the twins but since Jake’s death she
has worshiped and babied them. There was no wrong either one of them could do
in her eyes. She would drive to Lincoln once a week to do their laundry and
their shopping. I couldn’t thank Betty and Bill enough for keeping an eye on my
boys. Even with their grandparents nearby I knew I’d never completely stop worrying
about them. They were mine and the only thing that mattered to me in my life.

As I was leaving Pacific Beach,
after an hour of walking barefoot on the sand, my cell phone started buzzing,
interrupting my thoughts.

“Hey, Josh, how are you?”

“I’m tired. We just finished
practice and I thought I’d call to see how you were doing before I jumped in
the shower.” He sounded so much like his father.

“I was headed to the grocery store
for milk, eggs, and some tortillas.” I was glad to hear his voice. “Everything
is great, mijo. I really do love it here. How are you and James getting along?”

“We’re doing fine Mom, there’s no
need for you to worry about us.” I could almost see him rolling his eyes.

“I know, I know. I just miss you
guys.”

“I miss you too Mom. Are you still
planning on going to our game next week?”

“UCLA, next Saturday? Wouldn’t miss
it for the world.”

“Can’t wait to see—”

Cutting Josh off I yelled. “Oh, shit!”

I heard fear in his voice when he
asked, “Mom, what happened?”

“Oh shit, Josh. This guy is so
totally going to kick my ass. I am going to have to call you back.”

Josh was yelling back. “Mom? Mom?
What the hell is going on?”

“My flip-flop slid off the brake
pedal and I just ran into an SUV with government tags. I am so dead. Love you,
call you in a few, bye.” I ended the call not giving Josh an opportunity to
question me further. I couldn’t recall the number of times I scolded my boys on
using their cell phones and driving.

Look at me calling the kettle
black.

I thought about hiding my phone and
pretending I wasn’t talking on it. But this was a government vehicle I hit. I
shouldn’t press my luck. Reaching inside my glove box for my insurance papers I
could see the guy getting out of the SUV through my peripheral vision. This guy
was tall, built like a brick house and sexy as hell.

Definitely law enforcement.

I could tell he was pissed by the
way his eyebrows were furrowed. I had a feeling he was throwing darts at me
from behind his dark black shades.

I am so screwed.

I had butterflies in my stomach and
wasn’t sure if I was nervous or freaked out. I was eager, edgy, impatient,
fidgety, and excited all at the same time. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh
or cry. Sure he was attractive but he wasn’t the only attractive man I had seen
since living in San Diego. I was bewildered by my body’s response to Mr. Government
man. My body had a mind of its own.

Yummy, me likey.
My nether
region was pulsing.
I was erotically attracted to this man.

Aye Dios mio! What in the hell am
I thinking.?.

Not thinking was more like it. He
looked good enough to eat and I wanted a taste. More importantly I wanted to
kick my own ass for thinking such things. I couldn’t believe my mind and body
were in cahoots conspiring against me. The mini-porno playing in my head was wrong
on so many levels.

Stupid hormones. Stupid body.
Stupid sexy G-Man.

By the way Mr. G-Man was looking at
me I was pretty sure he was thinking about hauling my ass to the slammer and
throwing away the key.

He just stood there staring at me. I
thought maybe I had a booger hanging out of my nose. I bent down to look at
myself in the door mirror.

No boogers.

Why is he staring at me?

Oh shit, what if he wasn’t really
law enforcement and was one of those serial killers pretending to be a cop to
capture their victims?

Skunk balls!

I was becoming fearful and I had to
remind myself to show no fear.

Smiling, I stepped away from my car.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. I know it’s my fault. I had a minor
shoe malfunction. Here’s the number to my insurance company.” I was a
blabbering idiot.

The crooked smile he was giving me looked
familiar and had the hairs on my arms standing straight up. At this point I
didn’t give a crap how delicious he looked or about the warm fuzzies in my
belly. I needed to get the hell away.

He moved slightly, taking baby steps
toward me.

I had to remind myself.
Show no
fear. Show no fear. But be prepared to run your ass off.

“Why are you looking at me like
that?” I said emotionlessly, hoping to hide my fear while taking a few steps
backward.

Jeez, by the concentration on his
face one might have thought I killed his dog or something. Eeew, what if I did
kill his dog? What if his dog hit the windshield? What if the air bag deployed,
hitting his dog and stopping his heart? What if I did hit his vehicle harder
than I thought? Did he have a dog?

Hell if I knew. If I’d been paying
attention to the road and not talking on the phone, I might have known.