Shattered Essence (8 page)

I closed my eyes for a second, tilted
my head, and shrugged my shoulders. I really didn’t care what he thought. I
smiled and waved bye to him. I turned back to the bar and took a large gulp of
my beer. I hadn’t even swallowed when I heard bachelor number two.

“What does it feel like to be the
most beautiful girl in the room?”

Balls! Can’t a girl enjoy a drink
in peace?

“Not you, too?” I asked finishing my
beer.

“I admire how you stood up to that
guy.”

“Thanks. I think,” I commented.

I turned to look at the man standing
next to me. He had straight dark brown shoulder-length hair that curled slightly
at the bottom. His light brown eyes had flecks of green and gold in them. A
square jaw sported a five o’clock shadow which showcased the small silver hoop
earring in his left ear. From the look of his biceps I assumed he had a fairly
respectable body. He was wearing faded blue jeans, black work boots, and a
black T-shirt that hung nicely on his torso.

“Question for you: who lies more,
men or women? My buddy and I have a bet going. He thinks guys lie more but
girls are better liars. I think girls lie more because they’re better liars.
Who do you think lies more?” he asked.

He had bad boy written all over him.
Yumm! What a nice distraction.

Laughing I replied, “Do you ride a
bike?”

“Like a BMX?”

I raised my arm half way to get the
bartender’s attention, ordering another beer. “Is that a yes?”

He smiled, showcasing a perfect set
of white teeth. “I traded my BMX in a while ago for a XLH Sportster 883
hugger.”

“Ah, a Harley man.” I took a drink
of beer before continuing, “Eight- hundred- eighty-three cubic centimeters per
minute with a four-stroke V2 engine.”

His jaw dropped. “I’m impressed!”

I smiled and winked. I wasn’t going
to tell him I just finished an audit for a Harley dealership. This was the only
reason I knew anything about motorcycles.

It had been a while since I was even
remotely interested in a member of the opposite sex. I had to accept I was
probably never going to see Drew again. For whatever reason he stopped calling,
and my calls to him went unanswered. I had no idea where he was or what he was
doing. Did he graduate from college? Did he apply for DEA training? Did he fall
in love with someone else?

I will never forget the pain; the
million tears I shed after our separation and the million more when I realized
forever could be severed. Now, the hole in my heart was finally healed. All
that was left behind was an ugly scar. I would never willingly put myself
through that pain again. I would never give my entire heart to another person.
Never! There was still so much time had not erased. I found it was much easier
to bury the pain and memories as if they never happened. The past hurt and I
didn’t like looking at it. Instead I shoved my grief in a closet, locked the
door, swallowed the key, and put an impenetrable fence around my heart. All the
long dark lonely nights have somehow made me stronger. Even if my heart were made
of cold hard steel, nowhere did it state I couldn’t have a little fun.

“Care to join me for a drink?” I
asked.

And this is how I met Jake Anderson.
I liked Jake; he was funny, charming, and good looking. He was just what I
needed to get Drew Malone out of my head.

Winter

Drew

It was late in the morning, Paige was
twenty-three weeks pregnant, and in less than three hours I would be getting
married. The wedding was to take place in her hometown of Austin, Texas. It would
be a small wedding with only her family, my family, and a few good friends in
attendance. Steve was my best man and Paige’s sister Fran was her maid of
honor.

As I stood in the shower leaning my
head on the wall, letting hot water encompass my body, I was thinking that over
the past six months my life had been turned upside down. I went from being a
kid fresh out of college and living the bachelor’s life: partying, staying up
all night, and getting laid as often as I could, to being a man about to get
married with a baby on the way, a mortgage, a full-time job, and living hundreds
of miles away from my friends and family. It had taken me several weeks to
accept my situation. After many talks with Steve and my parents I accepted my
fate of becoming a father.

Upon completing agent training I was
assigned to work out of the Phoenix Division in Arizona. I asked Paige to move
to Arizona with me in order for us to get to know each other better, which, to
my surprise, she agreed to do.

It took a couple of weeks before we
became adjusted to each other’s routines. I purchased a home in the suburbs
with a backyard large enough for a child to play in. As a rookie agent I was
trying to learn the ropes at work. At home I was doing everything I could to
assure Paige I was going to be around for her and our child. Paige had decided
not to return to school until after the baby was born. In the meantime she went
to work for a temp agency. Most of her assignments consisted of filling in for
receptionists who were on vacation or had called in sick.

In the short time we had lived
together I discovered Paige wasn’t much of a cook or housekeeper. We spent at
least four nights a week going out for dinner. The other three nights I cooked
and cleaned up. After dinner I spent an hour or so doing household chores.
Paige was usually too tired from the combination of work, pregnancy, and
morning sickness to help out. I had read that the first trimester of pregnancy was
the worst for morning sickness. Even though Paige was in her second trimester,
she still vomited several times throughout the day. Because of this I didn’t
mind when Paige went to bed after dinner. As long as she was keeping herself
and the baby healthy, who was I to complain? We were both in agreement that the
baby would benefit from having both parents around. We were trying to make this
relationship work by putting in the time and effort. Paige insisted she loved
me and I knew given enough time I would love her back.

I was bound to Paige and I genuinely
cared for her. We understood each other. We got along fine, and as a matter of
fact I really enjoyed being around her. She is attractive, clever, affectionate,
creative, and above all, patient.

My mom was the one who ultimately
convinced me to marry Paige, insisting it was my duty and responsibility to
take care of her and our unborn child. Paige understood the situation for what
it was, and as testament to this she was empathetic when I asked her to sign a
prenuptial agreement before we got engaged. My father convinced me it was the
right thing to do. On one hand she was going to be my wife and the mother of my
child. On the other hand I wasn’t in love with her. Out of the seven months I had
known Paige, four-and-a-half months I spent at basic training in Virginia. Technically
I’d only spent six weeks or so getting to know her.

The agreement simply stated if we
were to divorce she would not be entitled to any of the inheritance my
grandmother left me, including any accumulating interest. In addition any
property which was purchased with my inheritance would remain solely mine. In
the event Paige survived my death my inheritance and all property purchased
with my inheritance would descend to our heirs unless otherwise stated in a
Will and Testament.
Which I still have to do before the baby gets here.
If
there are no surviving heirs everything would descend to the Malone family
estate. She agreed to waive spousal support, the right to my pension,
retirement funds, and stock options. Any child support would be based only on
my career or professional earnings.

It was a tough decision to make and
I was tormented for days. Even now, as I breathed in filling my lungs with
steam, I felt like a complete asshole.

“Jesus Drew, leave some water for
the rest of us,” yelled Scott as he banged on the door, bringing me out of my
stupor.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled
back.

I had finished getting dressed and
was staring out the window. I felt as if I were breathing lead instead of
oxygen. As I laid my hand across my heart I thought,
I’m here without you
love.
In one simple thought of Espe I now understood how completely broken
I was. My soul was grieving. Half of me wanted to laugh; the other half wanted
to vomit.

Slowly releasing what little air I had
in my lungs, I waited for Scott to finish getting dressed. When he was ready he
asked, “Are you ready for this, big brother?” He was dangling his keys in front
of me. “There’s plenty of time for me to get you out of here.”

I patted him on his shoulder and
gave him my best smile. “I’m ready for this, Scott. It’s what I want.” I was
hoping he couldn’t tell I was scared as hell.

He responded by wrapping me in a
bear hug. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I know how hard this situation has
been on you. You’ll be a good husband and a great dad.” He patted me on the
back before releasing me. “I’m grateful you found someone else to love.”

“Thanks, man.” There was no way I
was going to tell him I didn’t love her. There was only one person I truly
loved, only one person held my heart. I knew if I was going to have any chance
of making this marriage work, I was going to have to let Espe go. My first step
was marrying Paige. And I wasn’t sure I had the strength to let Espe go.

Scott punched me in the arm and
said, “Let’s go see if Mom can get these bowties tied.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said as I
grabbed my Tuxedo jacket and headed for the door.

Scott opened the door. “Come on,
let’s go get you married.”

Spring

Drew

It was a beautiful spring morning,
the air smelling like rain and fresh-cut grass. I was pushing the spreader, laying
down fertilizer, when I noticed Paige appear on the back porch.

“Drew, guess what?” she said, rubbing
her swollen belly.

“We’re out of coffee?” I guessed,
joking.

“I think I’m in labor.”

“What? No! Really?” I could feel my
blood pressure drop.
I’m going to be a dad.

“The contractions are near five
minutes apart. I think I should get to the hospital.” She smiled and held her
hand out to me.

I ran up the deck stairs leaving the
fertilizer spreader in the middle of the yard. I reached for her hand, leading her
inside the house and straight to the garage. “Are you sure?” I was tense and
jumpy. “I’ll grab your bag while you get in the car.”

Beaming with excitement she said, “I
can’t believe this is finally happening. We’re finally going to meet Megan Samantha
Malone.”

I kissed the top of her head then ran
to the closet where her bag was packed. I ran through the house getting
everything I thought we would need. I started a mental check list.

Suitcase. Check.

Cell phone and charger. Check.

Camera. Check.

Baby bag. Check.

Car seat. Car seat? Where in the
hell is the car seat?

Think, Drew, think!

I check every room in the house and
can’t find the damn thing. Paige honking the horn. I run to the garage
hollering, “I can’t find the car seat.”

From the passenger side seat Paige turns
and points to the backseat.

Right!
I smack my forehead
with my hand and announce, “I am such an idiot!”

I’m a nervous wreck! My hands are
shaking. Sweat is dripping from my temples. I can’t think straight.

I completely forgot I had put it in
two days ago. I ran back inside grabbing everything we needed and put it in the
trunk of the car. I got behind the wheel and sped to the hospital.

As soon as Paige is checked into the
hospital I call my parents, her parents, and Steve.

Paige and I were walking through the
hall of the maternity ward in hopes of getting her to dilate faster. After an
hour of walking, my arms were covered in bruises. She was using them as crutches
to ride out the worst of her contractions. At nearly two in the afternoon the
nurse suggested it was a good time for the epidural.

An hour and thirty-three minutes later
Megan was born. She was nothing like I expected. She was 20 inches long and
weighed in at seven pounds three ounces. Before she was born I’d imagined her
to be a mini version of her mother. Instead she had a head full of strawberry
blonde hair and emerald green eyes like her nana Mary Kay.

I honestly cannot find the words to
describe how I felt at this moment. The second Megan came into this world she became
my number one priority. She was more important to me than my own well-being. More
important than Paige, my parents, even my recollection of Espe. I found myself
not wanting to miss a moment of her life. Not one smile, not one tear, not even
a wiggle. I wanted to be the first person she saw in the morning and the last person
she saw at night. As I held Megan in my arms, I was mesmerized by the sound of
her breathing. I suddenly understood my purpose in life: to protect her. To stand
her up when she falls down, and to guide her down the right path like my
parents have done for me. I will always love Paige for giving me the perfect
gift.

For the first time in my life I was conscious
of unconditional love.

I am without a doubt truly lucky.

Fall

Espe

I married Jake at the Garden of the
Gods in Colorado Springs. The beauty of the Rocky Mountains was the backdrop
for our nuptials. It was an angelic venue and everything was perfect for our
outdoor wedding. Jake looked as handsome as ever in his black single-breasted
tux, with a two-button notch lapel, and satin bosom pockets. His formal pleated
trousers confirmed nicely to his rear end.