Shattered (14 page)

Me: ROFL. I can come up with a few other middle names for her.

Alyssa: Haha! Let’s make a list sometime.
J
 

Me: For sure! That sucks.  We miss you.

I’d hesitated before typing “we,” hovering above the “I” button.  I looked up at my best friend who was anxiously waiting for me to convey the message back to him and decided I better include him.

Alyssa: Me too.  What are you guys doing?

Me: Danner’s.

Alyssa: Aww man!  That sounds so good.  I’d kill for a shake.
L
 

Me: I’ll see what I can do.
J
 

It took me about two seconds to decide I was getting that girl a milkshake, come hell or high water.  Garrett tried to veto the plan, insisting that if her mother caught me over there, Alyssa would be grounded even longer.  I agreed with him, but as soon as he left to go meet his dad at the garage, I ordered a chocolate milkshake and started walking.  Alyssa’s house was about a mile and half from town.  I made it to the edge of her driveway just as the sun was setting.  I waited for most of the lights to go off in her house before sneaking up the lane.  I could see her parents sitting in the living room.  Her mom had her nose stuck in a book and her dad was heavily invested in whatever was on the television.

I made my way around the back of the house and could see Alyssa’s bedroom light on.  You’d think that farmers would wise up and quit planting trees under their daughter’s bedroom window, but I was thankful that the old oak was situated where it was.  I carefully maneuvered my way up, milkshake in tow.  I watched her for a minute before tapping on the window.  She was lying across her bed in a pair of pajama pants and a black thin-strapped tank top.  The bottoms of her pants were stuffed into the ugliest pair of slipper boot things I’d ever seen, but somehow she made them look cute.  Her hair was piled up on top of her head and she was wearing her glasses while she flipped through the pages of a magazine.  When her eyes met mine, her face lit up and she rushed over to slide up the window.

“What are you doing here?” she giggled.

“You said you wanted a milkshake.” I handed her the Styrofoam cup.  “Although, it’s probably more like chocolate milk now.” I watched her pull the straw between her pouty pink lips and close her eyes as she took a drink.

“Mmmm. Still good.”  She leaned out the window, leaving only inches between us and looked down to the ground.  I could smell her skin and fought the urge to brush my fingers across her bare shoulder.  “Where’s Garrett?”

I smirked when she pulled her eyes back to mine. “He chickened out.”

“You walked all the way out here by yourself?”

“Yep.”

“Just to bring me this milkshake?”

“Yep.”  I’d bring her a milkshake every night if I got to see the smile that was on her face at that moment.

“You know what?” She placed her hand on my shoulder while she took another drink. “I don’t care what anyone says about you, Jesse Vaughn, you are the sweetest boy I know.”  Then she leaned in and placed a kiss on my cheek.   I was stunned.  Of course I came all the way out there to see her, but I wasn’t expecting that.  “I’m so lucky to have you as a best friend.”

And just like that, I was off cloud nine.  Best friend.  That was it. All I’d ever be.

“It’s not a big deal.” I shook the disappointment from my face. “Just thought you could use a friend.” I emphasized the word friend with a little bitterness.

I watched as her expression changed from elated to doubting.  She started to speak with a look of something more than friendship. “It’s more than…” Then a knock stole her attention. “Shit.  You gotta go,” she whispered frantically, while she set the cup under her bed.  “Just a minute!” she shouted at the door.  She placed her hand on my shoulder one last time before shutting the window. “Thanks again, Jess,” she smiled.

I quickly shimmied down the tree and made my way back to County 5 in the darkness.

That was the day I should have made my move.  I thought maybe we’d finish the conversation another time, but once she was back around Garrett and me, it never came up.  I always kicked myself thinking about all the time I’d lost with her by not just growing a pair and telling her the truth about my feelings.

My new plan of playing hard to get had to work.  How much more time was I going to miss with her?  I was running out of options.

Alyssa

I drove around for a couple hours thinking about what I was going to say to Jesse.  I wasn’t quite sure which way I was leaning. Did I apologize for everything?  Did I tell him I still had feelings for him?  I decided I’d just tell him I was ready to talk and then whatever came out, came out.  I drove around the square in town and saw that his Jeep was parked in front of the bar.  I pulled up and got out of the car.  As I was walking up to the door I tugged on the black t-shirt I was wearing.  The last time I wore this t-shirt something almost happened between Jesse and I.  I was hoping that today it would remind him of that night.

“Alyssa Boyd!” A familiar voice rang out as I walked through the door of Vaughn’s Tavern. When my eyes focused in the dimly lit space, I recognized Kelly standing behind the bar.  I hadn’t really seen her since the accident.  I wasn’t old enough to drink in the bar and since Jesse was gone, I really didn’t have a reason to go in.  “Where in the hell have you been hiding, pretty girl?”  Kelly quickly made her way out from behind the bar and pulled me into a hug.  She was just as beautiful as she’d always been. Her jet-black hair hung down in curls around her oval shaped face. She looked a lot like Jesse. Even after two kids and working crazy hours dealing with the town drunks, she managed to stay in shape and never left the house without her hair and make-up done. She loosened her arms from around me and pulled back, “It’s a shame it took my brother coming back for you to stop in and see me, I’ve missed you.”  I could see in her eyes that she truly meant it.  I felt awful for cutting off our contact.  We had really bonded the summer before Garrett died.  She’d just had a new baby, Olivia, who joined her big brother, James, and I often helped her and Craig out by babysitting with Garrett and Jesse.

“I’m sorry.” I offered up my most apologetic smile. “It’s been a rough year.”  She rubbed her hands down my arms in comfort.  I felt the tears start to well up and decided I needed to change the subject. “How are the kids?”

“Spoiled rotten!” She laughed as she made her way back behind the bar.

“I bet.” I leaned over resting my arms on the bar.

“They are home with Daddy today.”

“I miss them.”  My eyes wandered the bar looking for Jesse.  The place hadn’t changed since I’d last been here.  The wood paneled walls were covered with various liquor advertisements and neon signs.  The marble topped bar stretched the length of the front room with a mirrored wall of shelves behind it, loaded with every kind of liquor imaginable.  Tables were set up around the room atop the black and white tiled floor.  The smell of yesterday’s beer and cigarettes hung in the air, but Kelly and Craig always managed to keep the place spotless.

“I’ll tell you what,” she handed me a diet soda from the cooler and rested her hand on mine, “you promise to come over and visit next week, I’ll let you get to the real reason you came by today.”  

“Ok.” I took the soda from the top of bar and gave her hand a squeeze.  “That sounds like a deal.”

“Great!” She wiped up the ring of moisture that was left from the can I’d just picked up. “He’s in the back playing pool.”

I nodded and made my way through the maze of tables to the back of the bar.  I peeked around the wall that separated the two rooms, careful not to let him see me.  I needed to acclimate to being around him before I just rushed in and made a fool out of myself.  He was leaning down over the table, carefully lining up his shot.  His eyes focused in on the white cue ball as he slowly pulled the pool stick back, not once by twice, to make sure it was perfectly lined up.  The thin cotton of his gray t-shirt stretched out over his body and the way it quietly revealed the sliver of skin just above his low slung jeans sidetracked me as I imagined how soft and warm that skin would feel under my fingertips.  I started to step around the corner, before I started drooling, just as Jesse sunk the shot he’d been working on.  That’s when I saw a rush of red hair walk up behind him and wrap her arms around him.  I pulled back behind the wall as Randi whispered into his ear.  The grin on his face left me to believe it was something highly inappropriate.  My eyes closed as I felt the tears start to sneak up on me again, so I quietly made my way out the back door without anyone noticing.

As I walked around the building to get in my car and leave I felt defeated.  I’d finally decided to talk to Jesse, but I was too late.  He’d already found some else to occupy his time.  It was stupid to think that he was waiting around for me to come to my senses.  Why would he?  I was awful to him the other night.  When I made it to the safety of my car, I finally let myself cry.  With each tear, the thoughts of what I should have said or done raced through my mind.  The conclusion that they all led to was that I’d really lost him.

Knock, knock.
The tapping on the window startled me.  I looked over to see Collin staring at me with a self-assured grin on his face.  I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror, quickly wiping away the mascara that my tears had pooled under my eyes. I rolled down the window.
 

“You don’t have to cry, baby,” he chuckled, “I’m right here.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his arrogance.  “It may surprise you, but I’m not one of those girls that sits around and cries over you, Collin.”

“I kinda figured.  The only time a girl cries over me is after I’ve given her the best sex of her life, but we,” he pointed back and forth between me and himself, “haven’t got that far… yet.”

“You’re unbelievable.” I said, running my hands over my cheeks one last time to make sure any traces of my meltdown were gone. “I’m sure you had somebody crying the night you lost that bet to Jesse.”  I was still pissed that he had agreed to such a stupid bet.

“My plans for that night were definitely changed.”

“Yeah, mine too.”

“I wasn’t happy about you riding home with him.” The smugness of his usual smile softened as he bent down and rested his arms on the open window. “I wasn’t sure what was going on with between the two of you and I didn’t really feel like getting in a fight with him.  I know you two have a history.”

“That’s an understatement.” I laughed.  We had enough history to fill two textbooks.  “There’s nothing going on between us now.”  I looked back at the bar and fought back the urge to vomit when I thought about what was going in there.  “You could have called or texted, you know.” I turned my attention back to Collin.

“I thought about it, but I decided to wait and see how it all played out.  Then, tonight, I just see you sitting here in your car, crying over me,” he laughed. “It was meant to be.”

I wasn’t really amused, but I faked an uncomfortable smile.  It was a little weird that he didn’t even bother to ask me why I was upset.  The first words out of a normal human being’s mouth probably would have been,
Are you ok  
followed by a
what’s wrong
? But not in Collin Smolder’s world.  Somehow he managed to turn my emotional turmoil around and make it about him.

“How about a fresh start?” Collin asked, just as I was about to write him off for insensitivity.  “Wanna try that hanging out thing again?”

I thought for a moment about everything Jesse and January had said about Collin, but I didn’t care.  He was in the right place at the right time and I needed to get my mind off Jesse.  “Let’s go.”

He smiled wide and nodded, “Great!”  I watched him climb back up in his truck.  I looked in the mirror one last time.  I reached into my bag to grab my lip gloss and my fingers stumbled upon the tiny peach pill that I’d forgotten about.  I shrugged my shoulders before swallowing it down.  Anything to stop thinking about Jesse.  I got out of my car and made my way over to Collin’s truck. Before I climbed up inside I took one last look at the bar, debating whether or not this was the road I wanted to go down.
Please, stay away from Smolder.
Jesse’s words ran through my mind.  I shook them off and stepped on the sidebar of the truck before settling into my seat.  He obviously didn’t care about me that much.  If he did, he wouldn’t be in there letting the town tramp hang all over him.

Collin and I decided to drive into the city and watch a movie.  The further we drove from Harrington, the more clouded my feelings became.  The conversation on the drive over was a struggle. I quickly learned we didn’t have very much in common.  He was overly concerned with his appearance and had a bad case of road rage.  There was one point where I was sure he was going to get in a fight at stoplight because the “fucking asshole,” as he put it, behind him pulled up a little too close to his back bumper.  I quickly asked him to tell me about his workout routine to diffuse his anger.  After ten minutes of push-ups, chest curls and squats we arrived at the theater. He bought tickets to some action movie that I couldn’t have cared less about seeing, but I figured I’d enjoyed the escape from reality nonetheless.  He reached out and took my hand in his half way through the explosion-filled madness that we were watching.  When he pulled his hand from mine and wrapped his arm around my chair, I knew he was trying to see just how far I’d let him go.  He’d picked seats in the very back of the theater and we were two of eight people in the whole place.  He ran his fingers down my arm and started to slowly trail them toward my chest.  I reached down and grabbed the tub of popcorn that he’d sat down on the floor, quickly breaking his momentum.  I settled it on my lap and shoved a handful in my mouth with a smile.  “Want some?” I mumbled out while handing up a handful to him.  I could see that he wasn’t too pleased with my evasion tactic, but he didn’t say anything.  He just shook his head and leaned back in his seat.  I was all for hand-holding and maybe an occasional kiss, but I did not want to get felt up at the movie theater.