Shattered (13 page)

He took it out of the box and slipped it around my wrist. “I wasn’t sure what you liked,” he nervously mumbled as I held it up to my nose to inhale the fresh floral aroma.

“It’s perfect.” I settled my eyes back to his and smiled. “Thank you.”  His eyes sparkled and a shy smile crossed his lips.  I think that was one of my favorite reactions from Jesse.

My mother didn’t even offer to take a picture.  She probably didn’t want any evidence of me in that dress or arm in arm with Jesse Vaughn.  Luckily, Kelly had insisted before we left and made us pose on the front porch before we climbed into Garrett’s truck to leave.

I looked over at the bulletin board I’d taken down of the wall that morning.  In the center was the picture of us from that night.  Each of us smiling ear to ear, with our entire lives ahead of us.  

“Okay,” January said, “I’ve given you the entire day.  Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”  I wasn’t sure if she meant Collin or Jesse.  I should have known one or the other would come up eventually.

“What’s there to talk about?” I played coy as I began to pick up the paint supplies.

“What’s going on with you and Jess?”  She watched me as I moved around the room, trying to avoid her stare.

“Nothing.”

“He came out to that party to get you.  He was at the diner with Hap and me when we got the text saying you were out there with Collin.”

“How pissed was he?” I asked.  I couldn’t help but smile on the inside at the possibility of him actually being jealous over me.

“I’m not sure.  He was out of there so fast, he barely told us good-bye before we heard him spin the rocks out front.  Then he risked losing his Jeep to make sure he got to take you home.  Not to mention how dangerous it is to race in the dark.  I’d say it’s a lot more than nothing.”

“It sure felt like nothing.  We hardly even spoke on the way home,”  I sighed. “Which was probably my fault.  I may have said something I shouldn’t have.”

“What?”  Her eyebrows raised.

“I said I wished he’d never come back.”  My head fell in shame.  I couldn’t believe I’d been so mean.  But I was furious that night.

“Did you mean it?”  January asked after a moment’s thought.

I didn’t even have to answer her.  Of course I didn’t mean it.  “After that he just told me ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’  I held up my fingers, bending them as quotations.  “Then, silence the rest of the ride home.”  I fell back on the pillow.

“I’m sure you hurt his feelings.”

“His?  What about mine?  First, he leaves without a word, then he shows up acting like I need saving.”  I sat up. I couldn’t believe she was taking his side.  It was starting to feel like Alyssa vs. the World.

“Maybe you do.”  Her face was certain and her eyes concerned.

“I don’t.”  I said without hesitation.

She didn’t say anything, her head just tilted a little to the left and her eyes said enough.

“I’m fine.” Or at least I was pretending to be. “I haven’t taken any more pills if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“That’s good,” she replied, “but you know it’s more than that.  You haven’t been yourself since the accident.”  I sat down on the bed next to her.  I was becoming physically exhausted from this conversation. “I miss my funny, sarcastic, overly-dramatic friend,” she teased. “The longer you pretend to be fine, the harder it’s going to be to dig yourself out.”

I fell back on the pillow, “Every time I feel like I take a step forward, the walls come down on me and I’m right back to where I started.  It’s not as if I like feeling this way.  I’d give anything to go back to the way things were.”

She took my hand. “I know,” she sympathized.

“I know it’s irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling that Jesse blames me for the accident.  And before you say it, I know it was an accident.  It’s just that…”  I’d explained it through tears many times. My reasoning for feeling guilty.  “If we’d just left when we were supposed to we would have been in the same car.  We would have seen the combine and...”

“I know,” she replied before I could finish.  “But, what if you wouldn’t have seen it?  What if you all would have died?”

I had thought about it and maybe it was selfish, but at least if we all would have died I wouldn’t have to feel so bad about the fact that I didn’t.

“There’s too many ‘what if’s’ to think about.  You’re going to drive yourself crazy if you don’t let them go.”

I hated it when she was right.  I hated it even more that I was too hardheaded to see it clearly.  So I appeased her. “I know.”

“I hate to sound like I’m on repeat all the time, but you and Jesse need to talk.  About all of it.”

We slapped the final coat of paint up on the wall with only a few words between us.  I thanked January for all her help and walked her out. “Talk to him,” she said as I closed the screen door behind her.

I slept on the living room sofa, not wanting to inhale the paint fumes all night.  The few hours of sleep I managed to achieve were riddled with dreams of Jesse.  I really did want to feel better about everything.  It was just so hard.  The next day, I went into my room and carefully moved my furniture back to its original positions.  When I finished, I stood back to looked at the finished product.  The navy shade of the wall coupled with the white trim and doors felt like a fresh start.  I finished hanging up my bulletin board and pictures then straightened up the top dresser and desk.  The jar of glass pieces caught a ray of the sunlight through the window when I pulled up the shades.  The reflected color of the freshly painted walls echoed through the clear container, illuminating the glass fragments.  I walked over and dusted the jar off with my sleeve and held it up in the sunlight wanting to get a clearer look at the fresh life of the remnants.  The pieces now colored with reflected hues of blue were beautifully brilliant.  I placed the jar down and went to get changed.  My mind was clear, for the first time in a long time.  The new life I’d just seen breathed into that jar was enough to let me think it wasn’t too late to fix my own.  I knew it was time to talk to Jesse.

Jesse

She didn’t know that I watched her that night.  I was working late out in the barn.  Her dad had given me the daunting task of organizing the random piles of tractor parts he’d accumulated and were now scattered throughout the barn.  I didn’t know what half the shit was, so I just started matching them together according to size and shape. I heard voices coming from the front porch and quickly turned off the inside light as not to attract any attention to myself. It was Alyssa and January. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but something left Alyssa with a wistful look on her face. When January left, I saw her carrying out a tarp and a couple of empty paint cans.  I watched as her tiny frame wrestled the plastic sheet covered with navy blue splotches of spilled paint into the old burn barrel that sat out by the old fence across the back of the property.  As she pushed the heap down into the metal cylinder, her cut-off shorts rode up as she raised up onto the tips of her toes trying to get some leverage.  The view was spectacular.  When she’d stuffed it down as far as it could go, she huffed and tossed the two cans on top of it before making her way back to the house.  She brushed her hands together, knocking off any loose dust and then suddenly turned to face the barn.  I quickly hid behind the barn door, hoping that she hadn’t seen me.  How pathetic would it be if she caught me spying on her?  I peeked out through a slit between two slats of wood and caught her smiling face as she gazed around the property, the moonlight coupled with the look on her face reminded me exactly why I came back to town.  She was everything I’d ever wanted.  Her silky hair caught the breeze and floated around her face making her appear angelic. Her dark eyes sparkled as she inhaled the fresh air. I’d already made a promise to Garrett and there was no way in hell I was letting her go that easy.

She started back toward the house. She must not have seen me.  I exhaled the breath I’d been holding and watched her return through the back door.  It was time to reevaluate my plan to get her back in my life.  We were both as stubborn as the day was long, so I decided I’d wait until she came to me.  I wasn’t having much luck the other way.  I’d tried the soft and sweet approach at the diner.  I played the night in shining armor when she passed out at the party.  And winning the race against Collin hadn’t impressed her.  It seems like asshole was her preferred choice in men now, so that’s exactly what I was going to be.  I was already off to a good start with the indifferent stare I’d offered her this afternoon while mowing.  Now came the hard part, staying away from her.  I’d always had a problem with that.

The summer before I got my license things between Alyssa and her mom were at an all-time low.  She was getting more rebellious in her teenage years and Mary Boyd was not having it.  We’d spent the day swimming over at Reynolds’ Pond.

“We better head back,” Garrett said as he pulled himself up on the small wooden dock.

I was right behind him, “Yeah, you‘re mom will be pissed if you’re late,” I looked back at Alyssa who was bobbing up and down in the water at the edge of the dock.  Garrett and I each extended a hand down to her.

She took each of our hands in hers. “She’s nuts,” she laughed as we pulled her up to us and she planted her feet on the dock. “She‘s had a serious stick up her ass lately.”  She tried to her hide her embarrassment behind her smile.  We knew things were bad between her mother and her.  She never really talked about it, but things were tense at home.

“Heads up.” Garrett tossed a couple towels to us and we dried off quickly before pulling on our clothes,  but not before I got a good look at Alyssa in her bikini. .  It was my favorite.  Turquoise and white stripes barely covered her tanned body.  This was the first summer that she’d worn a two-piece and I’d thanked my lucky stars every time we went swimming.  It wasn’t too often a girl had perfect boobs, legs and ass.  That was the summer I really started to fall hard for her.  The silly little crush I had on her in junior high was nothing compared to the longing I had for her now.

“Alyssa Nicole Boyd!  I suggest you get your arms off that boy and get your behind in this truck immediately.”  Of course, Alyssa was riding with me that day.  It probably wouldn’t have been as bad if she’d been on the back of Garrett’s.  She always had a sweet spot for him.  Alyssa quickly pulled her arms from around my waist and slipped off the seat.

“I’m sorry.  We were on our way back.  We lost track of time,” she tried to reason with her mother as she walked toward the truck.

“I told you to be home at four o’clock and not a minute after!  This is exactly why I don’t want you hanging out with him.  Thank the Lord I showed up when I did.  If I‘d have known you were going to be hanging all over Jesse Vaughn, I wouldn’t have allowed you out of the house.”  Mrs. Boyd shot daggers at me from her brown eyes.  They may have resembled her daughter’s, but Alyssa had never looked at me the way her mother was.  Pure hatred.

“I didn’t… It wasn’t like that.”  The look on her face broke my heart.  It was my fault that her mother was being so mean to her.  She turned her eyes to me and mouthed “I’m sorry, as she pulled the truck door open.

“It is my fault, Mrs. Boyd,” I hollered up at her.  “I asked her to stay longer, she wanted go home a while ago.” It was a lie.  I warned Alyssa an hour ago what time it was and she insisted on staying to get a few more swings off the rope that dangled above the water.  Her mom already hated me, I might as well take the blame and get her off Alyssa’s case.

“What are you doing?” Garrett whispered.  

I raised my eyebrows and shoulders in unison. “I don’t know.  I feel bad for her.”  I thought that maybe her mom would lay off her and by tomorrow things would be back to normal.

He chuckled before shouting, “He’s right, Mrs. Boyd.  It’s his fault.”

I widened my eyes at him. “Thanks, dick,” I said through tight lips.

“Just helping out.”

Mrs. Boyd shook her head. “I think it’s about time for the three of you to start spending some time apart.  You’re together entirely too much.”

I felt like someone just punched me in the gut.  I could tell by Garrett’s face that he felt the same way.  There was no way that we were going to stop hanging out with Alyssa.

“He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.” I heard her say as they climbed back into the truck and drove off.  We sat watching Alyssa’s sad eyes from the passenger window as her mother took her away from us.  If she only knew exactly how much I cared about her daughter.  Then she’d definitely keep her away from me.  I added that to my list of reasons not to tell her how I felt.  If we started dating, her mom would probably lock her up in her room and never let her out.

Three days went by without a word from her.

“Wonder what she’s doing?” Garrett said with a mouthful of French fries.  We’d stopped by the diner to grab dinner.

“Probably slave labor.”  I laughed.  Every time Alyssa was in trouble her mom came up with some outrageous task for her to do.  Scrape the paint of the porch, weed the entire garden, wash and wax all the farm equipment.  Little did Mary Boyd know, Garrett and I always snuck over and helped her finish the daunting tasks.  She said she was impressed with how hard a worker her daughter was.  Haha.  It would have taken Princess Alyssa a year to finish all those jobs by herself.  I think her dad always knew that we helped her out.  He never had a problem with the three of us being friends.  Why would he?  He had the cleanest equipment in the county.

I heard my cell phone chirp with a message alert.  I looked down at the screen and smiled, “It’s her.”

Alyssa: Hey.

Me: What’s up?  Mom take your phone?

Alyssa: Yep. Grounded for a week. Snuck my phone away to text you.

I’m not gonna lie… I was excited that she’d text me instead of Garrett.  He could probably tell by the smirk that crossed my lips.

Me: That seems extreme.  We were only swimming.

Alyssa: Pretty sure “extreme” is my mom’s middle name.