Shatter (26 page)

Demetri

“This is love. Pure love. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Dear God, what have I done
to deserve this?” I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants and put my guitar over my head.

“It will be fine.” Alec slapped my back
. “
It has to be fine.”

“Either she’s going to hate it or love it
,
” I said
. “
Alyssa said Nat
’
s going to cry happy tears. I
,
however, may need therapy after this concert is through.”

“You and me both
,
” Alec grumbled
. “
Now, remember we’re transitioning into the other song as soon as the bridge ends on
the first one.”

“I think I’ve done this before.” I glared.

Alec cursed
. “
Sorry
.
I’m just so damn nervous
.”

“You’re nervous?” I yelled
. “
This shit is going to be on
Y
outube! Do you even realize what this could do to our hard
-
earned rock star persona?”

“To be fair, we’ve been in the news for the past week straight because of all the
drama that hit the
Internet
with April and then with David going to the press.”

“True
,
” I grumbled
. “
I’d rather be on the news for murder.”

Alec grinned and slapped me on the back
. “
Well, you better catch the fever fast, because we’ve got some screaming girls to please.”

“I’m
so damn worried about how this is going to go
that I can’t even give y
ou a snappy sexual retort to girls screaming right now.”

Jaymeson ran around the corner
. “
You guys ready?”

“Let me at him!” I lunged for
Jaymeson. Laughing
,
he back
ed
up
with his hands in the air
. “
Alright, I’ll go tell them you’re ready to go on stage.”

“Damn you, Justin Bieber
,
” I mumbled just as I turned the corner and ran up onto the small stage Jaymeson had
set up on the main Seaside boardwalk.
I heard Alec’s laugh behind me.

“Ladies and gentleman!” Jaym
e
son laughed into the microphone
. “
Allow me to present, AD2.”

“Well
,
here goes nothing.” I started the song and closed my eyes. Seriously, we were going
to get deat
h threats for doing this cover.

“
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go. I can take you places you ain’t never
been before.”
Kill me now, kill me now.

Alec joined in with his guitar and then the drummer went crazy and Alec continued
the song. Much to the screams of adoring fans. Sweat
pooled
in my hands. I looked to Alyssa who was in the front with a smiling Nat. I shook my
head and I could have sworn she just winked at me and mouthed
,
“I have the fever.”

Alec’s
voice sounded identical to the
B
iebs
.
I had to give him credit. “
So give me a chance cause you’re all I need girl. Spend a week with your boy I’ll
be calling you my girlfriend. If I was your man, I’d never leave
,
girl. I promise to never leave you girl
.” I hoped to God that Justin Bieber fans wouldn’t set fire to our beach
house for changing the bridge.

Alec sto
p
ped singing and motioned for me to go into the next song. One down two more to go.
I played the upbeat temp and started to get a feel for the crowd as they j
umped up and down to the music.

Here went nothing
. “
You make my world
,
you make my world go round. You turn me up
,
you turn me upside
-
down. You make my world
,
you make my world go round. You get me of
f,
you get me off the ground.”

I looked to Alec as he joined me.
“You pick me
up
when I fall down. You pick me up when I fall down.”
We alternated between the chorus
,
each of us singing. The crowd was loving it. I set my guitar down and started my little
bridge. I was officially a white dude trying to rap and sing techno at the same time.
Go
d save us all from such a fate.

I went to the middle of the stage
,
and with as much enthusiasm as I could possess continued the song
.
Miley Cyrus’s chorus to be exact.
“Girl
,
you like an elevator
‘
cause you always pick me up
.
Girl
,
you like my doctor when I
’
m sick you always sti
t
ch me up
.
Y
ou could
be my DJ
,
I
’
m your record
.
C
ome and mix me up
,
girl
.
J
ust be my lollipop
.L
let me lick you up. Always on my membrane
.
I love you
,
so I give you up…”
I looked to Alyssa
.
S
he winked and mouthed “sexy.” Okay
,
so maybe singing some B
i
ebs and Wi
-
l
l
-i-am wasn’t going to make me less of a man. I jumped up and down with the crowd.
Everyone was in perfect
sync
. Alec continued the chorus.

Nat and Alyssa were jumping in the crowd I could tell they were loving every second.
Okay
.
M
aybe I was having fun and it wasn’t so bad, and then the music changed as we planned,
and w
e went right into OneDirection.

All of Nat’s favorites bands. Her current favorite songs. Songs that Alec ha
d given her so much shit about.

And now the guy was so whipped he was doing covers of the songs for her. If singing
One
D
irection wasn’t love, I really didn’t know what was. We changed tempo and went right
into the song Little Things. This was all Alec, because after this song, he was going
into the song he’d written to Nat
while she was in the hospital.

“Your hand fits into mine like it was made just for me…”
He began, the crowd knew the words, so they joined in. Everyone except Nat
.
T
ears streamed down her
face as she watched Alec play.

Alec’s eyes closed
. “
I’m in love with you and all these little things.”
His voice cracked with emotion during the chorus. And then the tempo changed again,
we played directly into Alec’s song, Shatter.

“
The best of it all is you
’
r
e
still here, the sadness in my heart and earth
-
shaking fear
—
don’t leave. It
’
s as
if a part of me is missing when you aren’t near, yet I hear, I hear your voice and
I can’t keep myself from fading, fading into something I don’t recognize. How can
you be both my poison and my savior? My lover and my rescuer?
”

The song was haunting, not our normal style of music, but it had so much emotion behind
it that I was finding it hard even singing background with Alyssa watching me. She
wrapped her arms around Nat and swayed back and forth as
Alec and I started the chorus.

“Shattered. I’m shattered without you. I can’t find the pieces,
they’re
broken and jagged and no longer have a reason to mend, but I want to know that you’ll
try. I need to hear you say you’ll fix what’s been worn, put together what’s been
torn. I may be shattered and scattered. I’m freaking bleeding and battered
—
torn, so torn. But if you’ll still have me. I’m yours.”

We finished the last verse without any instruments. Once the voices stopped
, the crowd was deathly silent.

Crap. We wer
e going to get booed off stage.

And then the clapping started
—
within seconds it was thunderous. Ale
c
and I bowed
,
and Alec mouthed to Nat “I love you.” His plan wasn’t to put her in front of tons
of people and get her to admit that they belonged together. His plan was to get her
to remember why they we
re together in the first place.

Because they fit.

Alec

“How
’
s it going, Alec?” Mrs. Murray scribbled a few things on her notepad and looked up
at me through her
black-rimmed
glasses.

Awful, horrible, miserable
. “Great!”

“Don’t lie.”

“No
,
really
.
E
verything’s—”

Mrs. Murray
squinted and crossed her arms.

“Fine.” I swallowed
. “
I’m not sleeping. And frankly
,
I’m a little uncomfortable to be discussing such things with you, but since we’re
all about honesty here in the trust room. I can’t freaki
ng sleep without Nat in my arms.
I wake up panicking, thinking something happened to her. Last night I fell off my
bed because I was so freaked that she was passed out somewhere that I got tangled
up in my own sheets and bruised my knee on the wood floor. Demetri asked if I was
wrestling bears all night because I was so loud. Oh right, and there’s that, apparently
I
talk in my
sleep
.
”

Her brows lifted. “Oh?”

Dear God, did all therapists say things like
Oh
? And
how does that make you feel
? “Yes
,
oh
! I say her name! Over and over
a
gain
.
T
he thing is, I’m so damn sad that I can’t even feel embarrassed about it. Demetri
even gave me a damn bear to sleep with.”

She nodded and scribbled a few more notes. “Good.”

I sighed into my hands
but
lifted my head when I heard her laugh.

“Something funny?”

“You’re absolutely miserable.”

“Um, question
.
A
ren’t therapists supposed to make their clients feel better? Not laugh at their misfortune?”

“Oh, honey you brought this misfortune all on your own. The comical thing is, you
still don’t realize it.”

“Pard
on?” I leaned in, and squinted.

“You. You are your own worst enemy. Not drugs, not Demetri, not your past, not your
career. You. You are in a battle with yourself.”

I sat back and sighed
. “
I-I don’t understand
.
C
an you say that in English?”

“You can’t love someone fully until you forgive yourself of bad choices made
.
Y
ou take responsibility of your actions by
acknowledging
that the choices made were your choices and yours alone. Nobody forced you to go into
that hotel room
.
N
obody forced you to do drugs
.
N
obody forced you to
with
hold the truth from Demetri. You
.
Y
ou are your own worst enemy. So until the different parts of Alec can get along. You’ll
always be in this battle. The battle between who you want to be and who you really
are. You want to be different and better so you pretend that everything
’
s fine. You control everything around you, but the problem with that is, the minute
part of your p
erfect world starts to shatter—”

“---I do too.”

“Well done.” Mrs. Murray nod
d
ed in approval.

“So
…
” I chewed my lower lip
. “
How do I fix it?”

“Let go.”

“Of what?”

“Control. Yourself, y
our past. It is what it is, and you can’t change it
.
Y
ou can
only move
forward and make better choices. Every
time you mess up in the present it’s an excuse for you to bring back the past
,
and then you pile that on yourself
until
you feel worthless and depressed. You can’t do that.”

“Easier said than done.”

She smiled
. “
I
t takes practice.”

“I can practice.”

“I know.” Winking, she put her notepad down and leaned forward
. “
You need to get over
yourself.”

Harsh as shit wasn’t she?
“
Thanks for the tough love.”

She shrugged
. “
Get over it, move on, be happy
,
and don’t let your past define your future. If you do, you’ll continue in that same
cycle.”

“I can’t lose her now, but I feel like…”

“What?”

“I feel like everything is spinning out of control. I have so many things going on
around me, and I feel like I can’t give her everything she needs in order to be happy
.
I feel like I’m failing without even starting the damn race.”

“Isn’t that for her to decide?”

“What do you mean?” I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. Not only was I feeling
like crap
,
but my hair was the longest it had ever been
.
Y
esterday a fan said I looked like Johnny Depp. Great,
so I looked
like a drunken
pirate
.

“Alec
.”
Mrs. Murray cleared her throat
. “
Y
ou’ve always been the caretaker
.
W
hen someone has the type of responsibility you’ve always had, that person is used
to calling the shots in every aspect of their lives. With Nat, you decide what
’
s best for the both of you
,
and if it
’
s not
,
you decide something is over without even consulting her. Is that a relationship?”

I shook my head
. “
No.”

“Didn’t think so.” She checked her watch
. “
Looks like our time is almost up. I think it would be best for you to keep doing what
you
’
r
e
doing. I know it pains you to admit it, but your friend Jaymeson is right. She doesn’t
need words
.
S
he needs actions
.
O
nly when she believes your actions will she start listening to your words.”

“Right.” I rose from my set and shuffled slowly to the door. “What if its not enough?”

I didn’t turn around
,
but I could feel Mrs. Murray
’
s sigh behind me. “Then at least you tried.”

“I don’t want to try. I want to succeed.”

“Then don’t give up.”

I opened the door to the office and left. I knew Nat was probably only a few feet
away from me, upstairs in her room
,
maybe listening to that damn Justin
Timberlake
album
I got her in order to show her that I didn’t have to control what she listened to.

Shit, I was a mess.

I walked back to
our house
and decided something needed to change. And that something was me. If she wanted me
to act, I was going to act, and it was going to be a big gesture
.
J
ust not anything s
he could ever possibly imagine.

****

“Alec, why are we at the school?” Nat put her hands on her hips and looked around
the abandoned parking lot. Summer school had just gotten out
,
so I knew we wouldn’t be atta
cked by crazy high school fans.

I shrugged
. “
Do you trust me?”

Nat took my outstretched hand
. “
Jur
y’
s still out. Guess it depends on how today goes.”

I chuckled and
tugged her
toward
the school.

It smelled the same, the school. It was like being transported back to that first
day when I saw Nat trip down the hall. Her pencils and bag went flying. I wasn’t really
one to get involved in other people
’
s business
,
but she looked so miserable and when she got on her hands and knees, I couldn’t help
but find it amusing that every single one of her pens was either hot pink or yellow.
Her backpack was polka
-
dotted
,
and I realized in that moment she was lik
e
suns
hine, so happy, so stink
i
n
’
cute.

Before I
knew it
,
I was helping her to her feet, and then my heart stopped. I swear it literally stopped
inside my chest when her large brown eyes fell on mine. I’d never had a girl so completely
knock me onto my knees before. The pull I had for her was so strong that I released
her hand as if she’d burnt me, and looked
away. Rude. I was rude to her.

“Right there
.”
I po
i
nted at the hallway
floor
. “
You fell right there.”

Nat groaned
. “
Is this going to be one of those trips down memory lane where we re-hash every embarrassing
moment I’ve ever experienced?”

“No.” I laughed
. “
Promise!” I grabbed her hand and led her to her locker
. “
And this is where Demetri and I pestered you day in and day out.”

“Torture
.
I
t was torture
.” Nat nodded
.
“
And
i
f I remember correctly you asked for taffy because you just quit smoking.”

“I did
.” I
grinned
. “
But I have to be honest. It wasn’t taffy I wanted…”

“Huh?” Nat backed up against the locker
. “
What do you mean?”

“I wanted to kiss you.” I cupped her face
.
M
y thumb flicked her lower lip as I gazed into her eyes
. “
I kept thinking to myself,
A
ll I need is her
.
T
affy never took the edge off
.
N
ot the way you did. Not the way your presence did. You numbed the pain
.
Y
et at the same time, made me feel more alive then I’d ever felt in my existence
. It was always you.”

She swallowed and looked away.

“Come on
.”
I tugged her hand and led her to Mr. Me
servey
’
s old classroom. “Go in.”

She walked in and smiled.

“Hey
!” Demetri waved from the back.

Jaymeson was sitting next to him and Angelica was in the desk across fr
o
m them. She’d actually volunteered to help me with this whole idea since she was staying
in town for her rehab treatment with Mrs. Murray. I swear
,
that woman came so highly recommended that it just made sense for Angelica to stay.
She nodded
toward
me an
d smiled, a real smile, at Nat.

“Take
a seat
,
” I ordered behind her.

Nat sat in her usual seat.

I pulled out a pink pen and set it on her desk then took a seat next to the guys and
Angelica, we all started bickering and talking about
h
istory. After a few seconds of our little play acting
,
I came up behind Nat. “Drop it.”

Nat’s shoulders tensed
.
S
he pushed the pen off the desk. I bent over and picked it up, making sure that when
our fingers brushed she was looking directly into my eyes.

“It was a pen.” I swallowed the emotion in my throat
. “
The damn pen. Over and over again these past few weeks, I’ve replayed this scenario.
What if it wouldn’t have been me who picked up your pen? What if it was Demetri? What
if I wouldn’t have done all the things I did? Would things be better or worse?” I
sighed and kissed her hand. “I couldn’t let you go
.
I can’t let you go, but I want you to know that I would never force you to stay. If
it hurts you to stay, then I don’t want to be the on
e
hurting you, but I would really like you to meet me in the cafeteria in about ten
minutes.”

Nat’s brows furrowed
. “
What?”

“What will it be?” I rose to my full height and waited.

“I think…”Nat looked at Angelica and the guys
. “
I think I’ll stay.”

“Perfect.” I bent down and kissed her cheek
. “
Meet you there in a bit.”

“Ok
ay
…” Her voice sounded confused.

I ran out the door
with
Demetri and Jay
m
eson in t
ow
And this is where Angelica came in. I hoped to God I could actually trust her.