Selby Surfs (5 page)

As I was walking by the sea
A spaceship landed next to me
And out stepped twenty freaky creatures
With wobbly legs and knobbly features.

Then as I turned to run away
They zapped me with a blue-green ray
And I was frozen to the spot
Yes,I was well and truly caught!

A purple blob with giant nose
And sixteen legs in two long rows
Came slithering right up to me
And opened fourteen eyes to see.

She was a girl, this much I know:
Her ears were tied with a big pink bow.
I tried my best but couldn’t shout
She’d scared my living daylights out!

Some awful thoughts ran through my head
In thirty seconds I’d be dead
She’d cut me up from head to toe
Just to see what made me go.

If I survived, for all I knew
I’d land in some galactic zoo!
An earthling dog for all to see
Locked up for all eternity.

Then suddenly her arm reached out
And wrapped itself around my snout
My mind was in a dreadful muddle
Oooops! She was giving me a cuddle!

And patting me! How could this be?
And winking all her eyes at me!
Suddenly I was enraptured
So what if I had just been captured.

Perhaps they’d treat me like a king
I’d wave a paw and have them bring
Whatever would best suit my mood:
A prezzie or some yummy food.

What’s this? They jumped back in their craft
And closed the windows fore and aft
Then in the blinking of an eye
They blasted off into the sky.

In a moment, I connected:
They’d left me there – I’d been rejected!
Alas, it was quite plain to see
They didn’t want a dog like me.

‘Come back!’ I cried. I yelled abuse
Alas it wasn’t any use.
I walked along beside the sea
And thought, ‘Oh woe, oh woe is me.’

      
Selby

‘Did you know that they’re going to be filming a real movie with real movie stars in my library?’ Camilla Bonzer, the librarian at Bogusville Primary School, asked.

‘Yes, we know,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘And guess what?’

‘What?’

Camilla sat down on the lounge next to Selby and began patting him. ‘Dino diSwarve, the most gorgeous actor in the whole universe, is the star and he’s going to be in my library and I’m going to get to meet him! Isn’t that exciting?!’

‘He is quite good looking,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But I’m not sure he’s much of an actor.’

‘Oh, who cares about that,’ Camilla said. ‘I could just look at him forever. He’s so dishy! Do you know what the film is about?’

‘Yes, and I know the script for the film was written by an old friend of ours, Gary Gaggs.’

‘Not
the
Gary Gaggs
the comedian?’ she said. ‘His jokes cheered me up when I was so upset last year, remember?
Are you sure he wrote it? This movie is a romance not a comedy.’

‘It’s a romantic comedy,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It’s called
A Binding Friendship
and it’s about a librarian and someone who falls in love with her. That’s all I know.’

‘Well I know more than that because I read about it in the
Dino diSwarve Fan Magazine.
‘

‘You read the
Dino diSwarve Fan Magazine?’

‘Of course, he’s sooooo handsome! I have posters of him all around my house and I’m the president of the Bogusville Dino diSwarve Fan Club, too. Let me tell you about the story. Dino plays this really shy young man who lives at
home with his mother and doesn’t have a job or friends or anything.’

‘But he usually plays rough, tough jokey guys.’

‘Not in this movie. He goes to the library all the time and borrows science-fiction books. Of course this is supposed to be a normal library and not a school library like mine but never mind. Anyway, the librarian falls in love with him. She wears all these glam clothes and everything. But he doesn’t notice her because he’s so shy he never really looks at her. She’s played by what’s-her-name, the actress with the big smile and all the teeth.’

‘I can’t remember her name either,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Anyway, one day old tooth-face slips a romance book in with his sci-fi books when he checks them out of the library. It’s one of those Kiss’n'Tell books or Party Pashers books that the girls all read.’

‘Don’t tell me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He discovers the book, reads it and falls in love with the librarian.’

‘No,’ Camilla said. ‘This is the interesting thing. The movie has two endings.’

‘How can a movie have two endings?’

‘It just does. In one of them he notices her and falls in love and they end up together. In the other one, she falls in love with this other guy who’s been after her forever.’

‘So you can decide which ending you like the best, is that it?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘That’s it. I’ve got to go now before the shops close because I’m buying a new dress. I’m meeting Dino tomorrow.’

‘So that he will fall in love with you and take you away to Hollywood with him and live happily ever after?’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh.

Camilla gave her an icy stare and stopped patting Selby.

‘It could happen,’ she said. ‘It
could
and I think it will.’

‘Do you really?’

‘Frankly, yes, I do.’

‘Poor Camilla,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle after the librarian had gone. ‘I think she lives in a fantasy world.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She really thinks that Dino diSwarve, a world famous, super-rich, and quite-good-looking-if-you-ask-me movie star is going to fall in love with her.’

‘It could happen,’ Dr Trifle said, looking up from his newspaper.

‘How could it?’

‘Well if he got to know her he’d realise that she’s a very interesting person. Then he might fall in love and even marry her.’

‘Oh, heavens. Movie stars don’t fall in love with teacher-librarians. Everyone knows that. Everyone except Camilla. I do worry about her.’

‘Mrs Trifle’s right,’ Selby thought. ‘Camilla’s just going to make herself unhappy by hoping that Dino will fall in love with her. I wish she’d be more realistic. Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do. Anyway, I wonder if I can sneak into the library and watch the filming tomorrow. That sounds like good fun.’

The next day was Saturday and there were no schoolchildren at Camilla’s library when Selby arrived but the street outside was in total
chaos. There were trucks and more trucks filled with movie cameras, lights, props and other equipment. And there were people running in every direction, talking to each other through their headsets. Sneaking into the library was the easiest thing that Selby had ever done.

‘An elephant could walk in here and nobody would notice,’ Selby thought as he looked around at the people inside. ‘Look! There’s Gary Gaggs! And there’s Camilla! Oh, no! She bought a really expensive-looking floral dress just to meet Dino in. Poor Camilla.’

In the bright lights in front of the camera, the director talked to the actor.

‘That’s him!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘It’s the real Dino diSwarve! I can’t believe I’m actually looking at him. He certainly is a lot shorter than he is in his films.’

‘Okay,’ called the director. ‘Quiet on the set everyone! Roll ‘em! Let’s see if we can get it right this time. Come in, Bonnie.’

Selby watched as the actress who was playing the librarian came out of the office and walked up to Dino.

‘Bonnie Blake?’ Selby thought. ‘It’s her! It’s Bonnie Blake! I absolutely adore Bonnie Blake! Well, I adore her but I don’t think I’d want to marry her,’ he added.

‘Hello, Ron,’ Bonnie said, smiling at Dino and batting her eyelashes. ‘How are you today?’

Dino looked at her and gave a broad smile.

‘Hi, Janey, baby,’ he said. ‘I’m great. How about you?’

‘Cut!’ the director yelled. ‘No, no, Dino. You’re not supposed to look at her. Look down at the ground. And you’re supposed to mumble, “I’m — I’m sorry is the library closing or something".’

‘But that’s stupid,’ Dino said.

‘That’s what the script says.’

‘So what? Who cares about the stupid script?’

‘Your character is very shy,’ the director said. ‘He wouldn’t say, “Hi, Janey, baby".’

‘Well I’m not going to play him shy. I always play a jokey kind of tough guy. That’s the real me. I want to be me.’

‘But that’s not what this movie is about,’ the director said. ‘He’s got to be shy or the story doesn’t work. I hired you to play a shy guy.’

‘Who’s kidding who? You hired me because I’ve got a million fans out there and they love to go to movies if I’m in them. They don’t want to see me playing a wimp.’

Bonnie Blake glared at him.

‘You can’t do it, can you?’ she said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You can only play yourself because you don’t know how to act.’

‘Whoa! Of course I can act.’

‘No, you can’t.’

‘Can!’

‘Can’t!’

‘What would you know about acting?’ Dino said. ‘You’re nothing but a soapie star. I’m a big time movie star.’

‘At least I went to acting school. They picked you because of your looks and that’s all.’

‘Stop!’ the director yelled. ‘I want to talk to you individually in my trailer. Bonnie, come with me, please.’

Dino just sat there as the director and the crew left the library. Selby hid behind a row of books, watching. Suddenly Camilla appeared from behind another row of books and walked up to the actor.

‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘She’s going to talk to him. She should stay right away from him.’

‘Who are you?’ Dino snapped.

‘I-I’m Camilla Bonzer,’ Camilla said with a trembling voice. ‘I’m the librarian here.’

‘So what? It’s Saturday. Go home.’

‘I-I-I know, Mr diSwarve. B–But I’m your greatest fan.’

‘Yeah, right.’

‘I am. I’ve got posters of you all around my house.’

‘So what? Lots of people have them. Could you just leave me alone … please?’

‘This is sooooo embarrassing!’ Selby thought. ‘Why doesn’t she just go away?’

‘I’m also the president of the Dino diSwarve Fan Club.’

‘You’re pulling my leg.’

‘It’s true,’ Camilla said weakly. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Dino.’

Selby could see tears forming in Camilla’s eyes.

‘Like the Australian Dino diSwarve Fan Club?’

‘Well no. The
Bogusville
Dino diSwarve Fan Club.’

Dino laughed. ‘What, all six of you?’ he said.

‘Actually, I’m the only one in the club,’ Camilla admitted.

‘Camilla! Don’t do this to yourself!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s treating you like dirt! Just stay away from him!’

‘I heard the argument you had with Bonnie Blake,’ Camilla said. ‘And I think I have a book you might like to read. Here. It’s very popular with the kids. Of course I can’t give it to you because it’s the library’s copy. But you can borrow it.’

Dino took the book in his hands.

‘What is this?
Even You Can Act.
Are you kidding? This is an insult!’

‘No, no, no, Camilla,’ Selby thought, covering his eyes with one paw and shaking his head. ‘You’re making it worse and worse. Forget the book. Just go away.’

‘I-I know this sounds silly giving a book on acting to a super-famous actor,’ Camilla said. ‘But I think it’s really very good. There are a lot of acting tips in it that they don’t even teach in acting school. It says so on the back cover. Look. Remember, no matter how much we know about something we can always learn more.’

Dino leapt to his feet and threw the book on the floor. ‘Get out of here!’ he screamed.

‘But I love you,’ Camilla pleaded, the tears now streaming down her face. ‘I want to go away with you and live in Hollywood. You’ll like me when you get to know me. I want to marry you, Dino.’

‘Rack off you … you … you
librarian
you!’

Camilla cried even harder and ran from the library. Selby followed her down the street to Bogusville Park. There she sat on a park bench, weeping.

‘Poor, poor Camilla,’ Selby thought. He climbed up next to her and lay down. ‘That guy was so cruel to her! I should have bitten his leg off!’

‘Selby,’ Camilla sighed. ‘You sweetie. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you came here to cheer me up.’

‘I did, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Believe me, I did.’

Camilla patted him.

‘Remember when I chucked a wobbly in the library?’ she said. ‘You were there then, too. It really helped. Remember Gary Gaggs’ corny jokes? He’s so funny.’

‘That’s the kind of guy for you, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Not some dumb, short, movie mega-star who can’t act for beans.’

‘Oh, Selby Selby Selby, what am I going to do? Why does life have to be so sad?’

‘Life doesn’t always have to be sad, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, how I wish I could just talk to her and tell her that she’s the one who’s making herself sad. I’ve got it!’ Selby thought again. ‘Maybe I could get Camilla and Gary Gaggs together. They’d be perfect for each other.’

With this, Selby jumped down and ran back to the school. He ducked into an empty classroom and found some paper and a pencil.

And this is what Selby wrote: