Selby Surfs (4 page)

‘Saddle up, girls!’ called Mrs Martingale, the owner of the Slippery Saddles Riding School. ‘Lunch is over. Time for another ride.’

From where Selby was hiding in the hayloft he heard a loud groan.

‘I’ll have none of that!’ Mrs Martingale said sharply. ‘Don’t be such wimps! You’re just a little saddle-sore, that’s all. Nobody ever died from being saddle-sore. You’ll never learn to ride properly if you don’t practise.’

Selby peeked out as the girls climbed back on their horses.

‘What about these horses?’ Prunella asked, pointing to two horses still in their stalls.
‘Shouldn’t we be riding them too? They haven’t had any exercise all day.’

‘Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, Prune,’ Mrs Martingale said. ‘But Sleepytime Sal is very old and very tired. She can only really be ridden by a small child. If one of you rode her, you’d be lagging behind all the time and it would be too much for her.’

‘How about the other one?’ one of the other girls asked.

‘That’s Mr Wiggle,’ Mrs Martingale said. ‘He’s a very valuable showjumping horse. He’s so highly strung that only an expert could ride him. He actually belongs to Somerset Stud Farm.’

‘What’s he doing here at the riding school?’ Prunella asked.

‘That’s a bit of a secret, Prune,’ Mrs Martingale said in a low voice. ‘His owners are afraid of horse thieves. Someone tried to steal him recently and his owners are now putting security alarms in the stables and installing a big metal gate.’

‘So you’re looking after him while they’re doing the work, is that it?’

‘You’re too clever for your own good, Prune. Yes, just for a day or two. No one knows he’s here so you’re all sworn to secrecy, okay?’

‘Where’s Selby?’ one of the girls asked. ‘Can’t he come along?’

‘He’s probably asleep somewhere,’ Mrs Martingale said. ‘We must have worn him out this morning. Come along now.’

‘You can say that again,’ Selby thought as he watched the girls ride across the paddock and into the woods. ‘I never wanted to become these girls’ private pet. It’s all Mrs Trifle’s fault. Whenever the girls go on an outing they ask Mrs Trifle if it’s okay to take me along — and it’s
always
okay with her! How about me? I spent all morning running to keep up with those horses. That’s not my idea of a good time.’

Selby peered over the edge of the loft and looked at the horses that had been left behind.

‘I feel sorry for these two. Sleepytime Sal is okay I guess but poor Mr Wiggle,’ he thought as he watched the horse move back and forth in his stall. ‘He’s so frisky. He’ll go bonkers cooped up in there all day.’

Selby lay there watching.

‘Horses. Why do girls go completely ga-ga over horses? Dogs are so much more fun. They jump on your lap and lick you. They chase sticks — well, some of them do. But I guess you can’t ride a dog. Maybe it isn’t the horses they like but the riding. Sitting on a horse’s back. Bouncing around. Weird. Of course, I have no idea what it’s like because I’ve never done it.’

Selby looked at the sleepy horse and then the frisky one.

‘How hard can it be to ride a dopey old horse like Sleepytime Sal?’ he wondered. ‘Maybe I’ll just have a quick ride around the ring to see what all the fuss is about.’

Selby climbed up the side of one of the stalls and pulled a saddle off a rail.

‘Wake up there, Sal,’ he said, putting the saddle on the sleepy horse. ‘Don’t panic but you’re in for a treat. You’re about to be ridden by a real live dog — a talking one at that. Hmmm, let’s see, how does this seat belt go on? It must go around the horse’s belly.’

Selby jumped into the stall, climbed under the horse and fastened the girth. He opened the door and then climbed up on a stool.

‘Steady on, Sal, my gal,’ he said, climbing into the saddle. ‘That’s a good girl. Okay now, go! Move it out there. Oooooooo. This feels all rocky and funny. I think I need a seat belt for myself.’

The horse walked slowly out of the stall, then into the riding ring and out the open gate and into the paddock.

‘Oooops, I meant to close that,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, well. Come on, this is getting boring. How about a little action, Sal?’ Selby said, as the horse broke into a trot. ‘That’s more like it. Okay, now turn right! Come on, Sal, I said, turn! Struth! Where are the handlebars on this thing? Uh-oh, I forgot to put those steering string things on her. But I know what to do,’ Selby said, grabbing a pawful of mane, ‘I’ll steer her with this. I saw someone do it in a movie on TV.’

The horse was going faster and broke into a canter as it went through another open gate and down the hill.

‘Stop it, Sal! Stop! Whoa! What are you doing? Not that way! If the girls see me I’m a done dog! They’ll know I’m not an ordinary
non-talking non-horse-riding dog! Turn around! Go back! About face! You’re supposed to be sleepy and slow and you’re as fast as a fire engine!’

Selby stopped pulling on the mane and clung to the saddle with all paws as the horse shot down through a gully, across a stream and up the side of a hill.

‘I can’t stop her and I can’t jump off because she’s going too fast!’ Selby thought as he saw the girls’ horses on the track ahead.

‘Oh, nooooooo!’ he cried. ‘The seat belt is loosening up! I’m going down!’

Selby and the saddle slid around under the horse with Selby still clinging to it. Then, as he flashed past the girls, he heard Mrs Martingale cry, ‘Mr Wiggle is loose! There’s movement at the station! The colt from Somerset has got away! After him, girls!’

‘Mr Wiggle?’ Selby thought as he clung for dear life. ‘But I thought you were a girl.’ Selby turned his head around to look backwards towards the girls. ‘Gulp. You’re no girl, that’s for sure. Oh, no! I’m riding a champion showjumper!’

Down through the valley Mr Wiggle tore with Selby clinging underneath and a thundering herd of screaming girls riding close behind.

‘There’s something clinging to Mr Wiggle’s belly!’ Prunella yelled.

‘Oh, no, they’ve seen me!’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t let go now or they’ll trample me and if I let them catch up they’ll know the
clinging thing
is me!’

Selby thought about what would happen when they caught up to him and found out his secret. Sure, the girls would be delighted. They’d take him back to the stables and they’d all sit around and have a nice chat and plenty of pats. He’d tell them that being a dog was like being a person only better. And then they’d take him home and tell Dr and Mrs Trifle. They, too, would be happy at first but then it would start: ‘Selby, would you mind scooping the leaves off the swimming pool while we’re out today?’ Or: ‘Selby, could you ring all these people and tell them about the council meeting tonight?’ Or: ‘Selby, would you mind cleaning the toilet?’

‘No! No! No! I can’t stand it!’ Selby thought. ‘I don’t want to be found out!’

Just then one of the girls screamed, ‘Look out!’ And in that instant Mr Wiggle leapt high in the air over a row of dense bushes. Then he landed on the other side and came to a stop. In a second Mrs Martingale and the girls came around the bushes and surrounded him.

‘The lump on Mr Wiggle’s belly is gone!’ Prunella exclaimed.

‘And look at this,’ Mrs Martingale laughed. ‘Some nitwit tried to steal Mr Wiggle but didn’t tighten the girth properly. I suspect the horse-napper got a nasty surprise!’

‘He certainly did,’ Selby thought when he crept out of the bushes and limped back towards the stables. ‘And I don’t think this nitwit is likely to do it again!’

‘The Trifles have been captured by aliens!’ Selby screamed as he looked at the burnt circle in the grass. ‘This is where the spaceship took off! What do I do? Who do I call?!’

It all began the night before when Dr Trifle was working on a new invention in his workroom and Mrs Trifle was settling down to watch their favourite TV alien adventure program.

‘Oh, I’m so glad the Trifles like that show because I absolutely adore it and I can watch too!’ Selby thought as Dr Trifle put another bolt into his invention. ‘The stories are so spooky. And those special investigators are great! He’s so handsome and she is so beautiful.’

‘It’s show time,’ Mrs Trifle sang out from the next room.

Dr Trifle stopped work and went into the loungeroom. Selby darted after him.

‘Oh, boy!’ Selby thought as he curled up in his favourite spot next to the lounge. ‘I can feel the tingles creeping up my spine already and the show hasn’t even started!’

The episode was about an inventor who had suddenly disappeared. Soon the two special investigators arrived on the scene.

‘I think I know what’s happened here,’ the man said. ‘He’s been abducted by aliens.’

‘Very unlikely,’ the woman said. ‘Why do you think it was aliens?’

‘This invention was obviously something the aliens didn’t want him to be working on.’

‘It looks like a can opener to me.’

‘How can it be a can opener? It’s as big as a fridge.’

‘It’s for big cans.’

‘His notes say that he was working on an invention that would unlock the secrets of the universe. Look, the invention has the initials S-O-T-U written on the side.’

‘SOTU? Is that a word?’

‘It stands for
Secrets Of The Universe.
’

‘But one of the neighbours saw a group of very short people with wild hair come to the door the night he disappeared,’ the man said. ‘How do you explain that?’

‘Short? Wild hair? Girl Guides. Probably Girl Guides selling chocolates to collect money for a camp.’

‘But then the neighbours heard the man screaming his head off.’

‘So maybe he didn’t like chocolates,’ the woman said. ‘I don’t like chocolates either. Give me a chocolate and I’ll scream my head off too. Let’s get out of here.’

‘Not so fast. How do you explain that circle of burnt grass?’ the man asked.

‘How do
you
explain it?’

‘That’s obviously where the spaceship took off.’

‘I think the Girl Guides had a campfire and a big singsong. They like to do those things. If you want I’ll sing you some campfire songs.’

‘But the man has disappeared! There’s got to be a reason for it.’

‘Okay so he was abducted by Girl Guides and force-fed chocolates. Then they made him listen to campfire songs before they took him away. They’ll bring him back. Let’s get out of here.’

‘This is sooooo frustrating!’ Selby thought. ‘She never believes a word he says! It drives me nuts! But I can’t stop watching the program. It’s great!’

Selby and the Trifles watched in silence as the two investigators dashed from one crime scene to the next, fighting off evil agents, and nearly being killed a dozen times.

‘What was that all about?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I was completely lost by the end of it.’

‘So was I,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But I can’t wait to see what happens next week.’

‘Oh, well, back to my invention,’ Dr Trifle said, heading for his workroom.

‘Another invention to unlock the secrets of the universe?’ Mrs Trifle said with a chuckle.

‘Shhhh,’ the doctor said. ‘The aliens will hear you.’

‘How can he make jokes like that?!’ Selby thought. ‘I still have shivers from that show.’

*  *  *

That night aliens came and took Selby away. Well they didn’t really but that’s what he dreamt. He also had nightmares about a huge white worm that was taking over Bogusville.

The next morning Selby awoke to an eerie calm.

‘Why is it so quiet around here?’ he thought. ‘Usually the Trifles are having breakfast. Or Dr Trifle is banging away in his workroom.’

Selby trotted into the kitchen and began eating the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits in his bowl.

‘It’s as creepy as a graveyard in here,’ he thought as he looked around the house. ‘They’ve gone out. But their car’s still in the driveway. They never go anywhere without their car. This is really weird.’

Selby looked out the front door and saw something strange in the field across the street. He dashed over and found a big round circle of burnt grass. Next to it lay Dr Trifle’s new invention.

‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby cried as he read the initials S-O-T-U painted on the side of the invention. ‘The doctor wasn’t kidding! He was onto something! S-O-T-U must stand for
Secrets Of The Universe.
He was about to unlock them! The Trifles have been captured by aliens! Help! This is where the spaceship took off! What do I do? Who do I call?!’

Selby ran to the phone and dialled 000.

‘What is the nature of your emergency?’ the voice said.

‘Pardon?’ Selby said.

‘Police? Fire? Ambulance?’

‘No, none of those,’ Selby said. ‘I don’t know if you can help me.’

‘We can help you with any emergency, sir, just tell us what it is.’

‘Well I think my owners — I mean, the people I live with — have been abducted by aliens.’

‘Domestic or extraterrestrial?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Were they aliens from somewhere on the earth or from outer space?’

‘Outer space, I think,’ Selby said. ‘They took off in a spaceship.’

‘Putting you through,’ the voice said.

The next voice Selby heard said, ‘You have reached the Extraterrestrial Unit of the Department of Alien Enquiries. If you wish to speak to someone about buying a copy of our
Guide to the Identification of
Extraterrestrial Aliens,
press 1. If you wish to know where the most recent extraterrestrial sightings have taken place, press 2. If you wish to hear the sound of an extraterrestrial spaceship taking off, press 3. If you are going to attend the Annual Extraterrestrial Conference and require a hotel booking, press 4 — please have your credit card ready—’

‘I don’t want any of that!’ Selby squealed. ‘This is stupid!’

‘If you are an extraterrestrial alien ringing, press 5—’

‘No, I’m
not
an extraterrestrial alien!’ Selby screamed. ‘Will you hurry up?’

‘—If you or someone you know has been abducted by extraterrestrials, press 6.’

‘Finally!’ Selby sighed, pressing the 6 button on the telephone.

‘You have now reached the Extraterrestrial Unit of the Department of Alien Enquiries’ Extraterrestrial Aliens’ Abduction Unit, or the E-U-D-A-E-E-A-A-U which is pronounced eooda-eeyau. If the person abducted was you, press 1—’

‘Oh, this is stupid!’ Selby cried. ‘Can’t I talk to a real person?’

‘—if the abductee or abductees, if there were more than one — is or are strangers, press 2—’

‘Well, no, they’re not strangers.’

‘—If they were relatives, press 3—’

‘No, they’re not relatives, for heaven’s sake. What does it matter? They’re gone and aliens have abducted them, okay? They’ll be passing Venus by now.’

‘If they were friends, press 4.’

‘That’s it!’ Selby said, pressing 4 on the telephone.

‘Extraterrestrial Unit of the Department of Alien Enquiries’ Extraterrestrial Aliens’ Abduction Unit, Friends’ Abductions Team, Fred speaking. How may I help you?’

‘Fred, you’re just the man I want. You see these people I live with —’

‘They’re not relatives, are they? If they are, I’ll have to put you in touch with our relatives’ team.’

‘No! No, Fred, hold the show. They’re definitely friends. Good friends—’

‘And you are?’

‘Selby. I mean Selwyn—’

‘Let’s stay with Selby, shall we, Mr Selby? No made up names, please.’

‘Okay, Fred, now listen carefully. Dr and Mrs Trifle of Bunya-Bunya Crescent in Bogusville — sorry, it’s now called Lamington Drive —’

‘Lamington Drive? I once organised a lamington drive —’

‘Fred! They’ve been abducted by aliens!’

‘They have? When?’

‘Last night. There’s a round burnt circle in the grass and everything!’

‘This sounds serious. We’ll be right there. In the meantime, don’t answer the phone and don’t open the door to strangers,’ Fred said. And then, just before he put the phone down Selby heard Fred say, ‘Grab your gun, Effy, this could be a real one.’

An hour later a helicopter landed in the field and two investigators — a man and a woman —
got out and studied the burnt circle and Dr Trifle’s invention. Selby crept out of the house and got close enough to hear what they were saying.

‘I don’t know, Fred,’ the woman said. ‘I think it’s another hoax. It’ll be the seventh one this week.’

‘Why do you think it’s a hoax, Effy?’

‘You know that aliens program you always watch on TV?’

‘Yes?’

‘Someone told me the plot of last night’s episode this morning. It was about an inventor who disappears. There’s a burnt circle of grass from the spaceship taking off. The inventor’s invention that has S-O-T-U painted on it is left behind on the ground. It’s just like this. Someone saw last night’s episode and they’re pulling our leg.’

‘Legs, Effy. You’re so negative.’

‘Me? Negative? We’ve already had fifty hoaxes this month. We haven’t had a
real
alien abduction yet. Of course I’m negative.’

‘Well I have a theory about this one.’

‘What is it?’

‘It was
aliens
who watched that TV program last night.’

‘You mean that’s where they got the idea to abduct an inventor — from TV?’

‘Exactly.’

‘I hadn’t thought of that, Fred. Have you run a check on the Trifles?’

‘They’re real people all right, Effy. Well they were till the aliens got to them.’

‘How about this Mr Selby?’

‘Well, that’s a different matter.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Let’s leave Mr Selby out of this.’

‘Come on, Fred. Is there a Mr Selby?’

‘Yes … only he’s a dog, okay? He’s the Trifles’ pet dog.’

‘And you’re saying this
isn’t
a hoax? Stop pretending that it’s not. You do this all the time.’

‘Okay, okay, so it’s a hoax. You don’t get it, do you?’

‘Get what?’

‘Do you want us to go back to our old jobs, Effy?’

‘You mean, at the Lost and Found, Fred?’

‘Exactly.’

‘Of course not. I hated working there. If I ever see another lost umbrella, I’ll scream.’

‘If we don’t find something that’s really supernatural soon, they’re going to get rid of the whole department and we’ll be back working at the Lost and Found.’

‘This is serious. Okay, let’s start investigating. What do we do?’

‘Just the usual. We take some pictures, we make some notes, and we take the invention back to the office. Maybe they’ll believe us this time.’

‘This makes me sick!’ Selby thought. ‘The Trifles have been whisked away by aliens and these doofuses are worried about keeping their jobs! I’m going to give them a piece of my mind. A talking dog — make that a
screaming
dog — should be supernatural enough for them!’

Just as the agents were lifting Dr Trifle’s invention into the helicopter, Selby stepped up and was about to say, ‘Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!’

Then, suddenly, Selby heard a voice behind him say, ‘Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!’

Selby wheeled around to see Dr and Mrs Trifle standing there.

‘Where do you think you’re going with my husband’s invention?’ Mrs Trifle demanded.

The agents turned around.

‘You mean … this is yours?’ the man said.

‘Yes, of course it is. Who are you?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘Well I’m Fred and this is Effy. We work for …’

‘The Lost and Found,’ Effy said. ‘Don’t we, Fred?’

‘Well if we don’t, we soon will, Effy,’ Fred said.

‘The Lost and Found?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘And you fly around in a helicopter?’

‘Yes, it’s easier to find things that way.’

‘Oh, I see,’ Dr Trifle laughed. ‘I’m terribly sorry. No, it wasn’t lost. I was just trying to get it to work when my wife said we should go for a walk instead. So I just left it here.’

‘I see,’ Fred said as the two of them climbed into their helicopter. ‘But what exactly does your invention do?’

‘It’s a lawn-mower that runs on solar power. This lens focuses the sun’s rays and, instead of
cutting
the grass, it
burns
it off.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ Effy said. ‘But what does S-O-T-U stand for?’

‘Scorcher Of The Undergrowth,’ Dr Trifle replied. ‘Only it’s not working.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I don’t know but it keeps running around in circles. See the mark it made?’

‘Goodness me,’ Selby thought as he headed back towards the house. ‘That machine isn’t the only thing that’s been running around in circles — so have I.’