Seek Me With All Your Heart (10 page)

David studied her face in the dim light for a moment. He’d always thought Katie Ann was the prettiest woman in their family. She had deep brown eyes that were softened by tiny little lines at the corners, and her ful smile lit up a room. Or, it used to. The past couple of years, Katie Ann just seemed sad al the time. David pointed to one of the large ice chests on the floor. “There’s some milk in that chest.
Daed
is supposed to be getting a propane refrigerator tomorrow.” He grinned. “Otherwise Lil ian is going to go bonkers, I think.”

Katie Ann pressed her lips together and walked to the ice chest. “I just need a smal amount for Ivan. I’l go to market tomorrow.” She flipped the latch and quickly located the milk. David watched her fil up a smal container, but when she poured too much, it spil ed over the side and onto the floor. “
Ach!

No.” She set the carton of milk on the counter, then her smal plastic container, which sloshed milk on the counter and onto the floor. “I’m a clumsy woman.”

Her voice cracked as she reached for a towel and began to dab the floor.

“Here, let me.” David squatted down beside her and gently reached for the towel. He swiped the rag across the jagged wood. “I don’t think anyone would notice a spil on this old floor.” He offered her a comforting smile.

Stil squatting, Katie Ann covered her face with her hands. “I should have been more careful.” She sniffled.

“
Aenti
Katie Ann, it’s no problem. Real y.” David touched her arm, then slowly stood up as she did the same. “What’s the matter?”

She shook her head. “I reckon I’m tired. I need to get this milk to Ivan.” She reached for the plastic container she’d brought. “I’m sorry.”

David leaned against his hand on the counter. “There’s no problem,
Aenti
Katie Ann. But are you sure you’re al right?”

“
Ya, ya.
” She waved her free hand in the air. “
Danki
, for helping me clean the mess on the floor, and thank Lil ian for the milk.” She moved toward the door.

“Did you bring a lantern?” David raised the light in his hand slightly.

“No. But the moon is almost ful , and I’m just going across the way a bit.”

David extended his arm and offered her the lantern. “Here, take this one. I’l get it back tomorrow.”

“I real y don’t need it. I walked over here without one.”

David shrugged as she pul ed the door open, then pushed on the screen. “I’l see you later, David.” Katie Ann didn’t turn around as she made her way down the porch steps.

He watched her until she’d made it safely to her own house, then he closed the wooden door. His heart ached for his aunt. And his uncle. Something was going on with them, and it had been for a long time.

He thought about Emily as he tiptoed up the creaky stairs to his room. He didn’t want to date anyone, but when Emily said she didn’t want to date him, he’d felt an uncomfortable jab in the heart. He shook his head and grunted. He didn’t need to take on whatever problems Emily had. He had enough worries of his own.

He put the lantern on his bedside table, pushed an unpacked box out of the way with his leg, then sat down on his bed. He popped the usual pil s in his mouth and fol owed them with a glass of water. Then he lay back, folded his hands behind his head, and crossed his ankles. Shadows from the lantern danced on the ceiling overhead as he tried to focus on prayer. He tried to recal the last time he’d actual y heard the voice of God in his mind, felt the words in his heart. His chest hurt for a moment when he realized that he couldn’t remember the last time. He’d been so angry for the past few months, ever since he found out about this move. Fear, worry, and anger. Al emotions that blocked a man from hearing God. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Dear Lord
,

Please help me to get rid of the anger in my heart about this move and accept it as Your will for me. I pray that this will be a good move for all of us,
at least until I can save enough money to return home, to Lancaster County. Lord, I pray for my new friend Emily. I fear she’s been hurt in a bad way,
and ask You to wrap Your loving arms around her and comfort her. And extra blessings for
Aenti
Katie Ann and
Onkel
Ivan
.

KATIE ANN HANDED Ivan a cup of warm milk that she’d heated on top of the stove.

“You didn’t need to go out in this cold just to get me some milk.” Ivan accepted the cup, blew on the hot liquid, then took a sip.

“I don’t mind.” She sat down beside Ivan on the couch and put her hand on his knee. It was a big gesture for her, since she’d avoided any contact with him since the day she saw him kiss the
Englisch
woman Lucy Turner. Ivan set his cup down on the table next to the couch, picked up his Bible, and pul ed the lantern to the edge of the table. He didn’t even notice that she was making an effort. She gingerly ran her hand back and forth across his knee, and she thought about how long it had been since they’d been intimate. Nearly six months. She’d given up conceiving a child long before that, and tonight wasn’t about that. She wanted to feel close to her husband again, to somehow move past the pain they’d inflicted on each other.

Katie Ann knew that her failure to give Ivan a child had weighed more heavily on her mind than on his. Repeatedly, Ivan had told her that it was just God’s wil for them not to have a family, and that they would be happy, just the two of them. More than once, she’d screamed at him, told him she could never be happy with just him, with no children of her own—a real family. And she’d meant it. For years, she and Ivan had drifted apart. Conversation was kept to a minimum, and each had their own interests. Unfortunately, his included Lucy Turner.

When Ivan didn’t respond to her tender caresses, Katie Ann eased her hand away from him. Her eyes drifted to his face, and if he would only look at her, he’d see the longing in her eyes. But he didn’t raise his eyes from the Bible.
Look at me, Ivan
.

She yawned, covered her mouth, then mumbled, “I’m tired. Are you ready for bed?”

They seldom went to bed at the same time anymore. Ivan often stayed up reading in the den until long after Katie Ann was asleep, and that had been fine by her. But in this new place cal ed Canaan, she hoped for a new beginning, a chance for them to renew their love and start fresh. Perhaps now that she had accepted her life without a child in it, maybe she could shed the anger she felt and be close to her husband again. And forgive his intimate encounters with Lucy. Ivan promised her that al he’d shared with Lucy were several lunches and a few stolen kisses. But she stil felt betrayed.

“I’m going to read for a while yet.” Ivan didn’t look at her.

“Fine.” She abruptly stood up. She walked around two boxes stil needing to be unpacked, then marched up the first two steps before she swung around and walked back down. “Ivan
.
.
.”

He lowered the Bible and raised his brows. Katie Ann fought the resentment bubbling to the surface by taking a deep breath. She wasn’t quite ready to give up. “Maybe—maybe you’d like to come to bed now?” She paused, her eyes pleading with him. “With me.” She was hoping Ivan couldn’t see her flushed cheeks in the dimly lit room. She bit her bottom lip and waited for an answer.

“I’l be up shortly.” He offered her a weak smile, then buried his head again in the Good Book. She was humiliated, but determined to stay hopeful. She turned and hurried up the stairs.

After a quick bath, she pul ed a tube of store-bought lotion from the top drawer of her nightstand. A vendor at the Bird-In-Hand market back in Lancaster County sold the flowery scent, and it was a luxury she’d final y al owed herself. She spread it generously up and down her arms, careful not to get the purple cream on her long white nightgown. Vanity and pride were forbidden, but on this night, she wasn’t thinking about those things. Tonight she wanted to smel —and look—good for her husband.

When she was done, she lay down in the bed and pul ed the covers snugly around her neck. The smal propane heater on her nightstand did little to warm her. She needed her husband for that. She closed her eyes and envisioned the last time they made love, but when the image blurred, she realized that for years it had never been about the lovemaking, only the baby making, which never happened. Tonight she wanted it to just be her and Ivan, without thoughts of conception, or of stolen kisses with Lucy Turner. And she knew that if she was truly going to open herself up to a new beginning with her husband, she was going to have to forgive Ivan for his indiscretions. So she waited.

And waited. As her lids grew heavy, she glanced at the clock. It had been over an hour since she came upstairs.

KATIE ANN OPENED her eyes seven hours later, and even in the darkness of the early morning, she could see that Ivan was not beside her.
Did he even
come to bed last night?

She dressed, then went downstairs carrying her lantern. Her heart was heavy as feelings of hopefulness about this new beginning seemed to be slipping away.

“I didn’t hear you come to bed last night.” She was surprised to see the coffee already made and Ivan at the kitchen table, casual y sipping from his favorite green mug and reading
The Budget
—as if he hadn’t a care in the world.

Ivan pushed his reading glasses up on his nose. “Do you remember Edwin Yoder, my cousin from Sugarcreek?” He kept his head buried in the newspaper.

Ivan usual y scanned the general updates to see if anyone he knew had posted a memo about current events, then he would read through the obituaries.

In many ways,
The Budget
was their only way of keeping up with relatives who didn’t live nearby, and of course, both she and Ivan were interested in the happenings back in Paradise.

She nodded her head in response to his question, even though he’d ignored her comment. She poured herself a cup of coffee and joined him at the kitchen table. “
Ya
, I remember him. It’s been years since we’ve seen him and his family.”

Ivan pul ed his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. “He’s dead. Died of a heart attack recently.”

“
Ach
, no. I wonder why we haven’t received word from Sarah. Maybe a letter is on the way.” Katie Ann shook her head. “We should pray for the family.”

“
Ya.
” Ivan bowed his head with her, then he looked up and took a deep breath. “He wasn’t much older than I am.”

“I know.”

“Just goes to show you that you should live each and every day to the ful est.”

Katie Ann bit her bottom lip for a moment and she twisted her coffee cup in her hands. “That’s what I want us to do, Ivan. Live each day to the ful est.”

She smiled as she set her cup down on the table.

“We are.” Ivan put his glasses back on and once again buried his head in the newspaper, reading about what people in Amish and Mennonite communities across the country were doing. Didn’t he see what was happening right here, in his own home?

“Ivan?”

“
Ya.
”

She waited until he put the paper down on the table and gave her his ful attention. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Then why can’t you look me in the eye when you say it?

“I reckon I’l start breakfast. What would you like? I can scramble us some eggs, or I can just make us some
kaffi
soup.” She stood up from the table and put on her apron.

“It doesn’t matter to me.”

Does anything matter to you?
“Eggs I guess, then.” She walked to the refrigerator and found a few eggs, then began cracking them into a bowl. “I’l be glad when we have our own chickens again. These store-bought eggs are nothing like fresh eggs. The yolks are light yel ow, just not fresh. I can always tel the difference, can’t you?”

He gave a nod. “Uh-huh.”

“What are your plans today? With this weather, I reckon we can finish unpacking.”

“
Ya
. We can do that.”

She fought the knot in her throat and swal owed hard as she stirred the eggs. “Or . . .” She spun around to face him. “We could do something that we haven’t done in years.”

“What’s that?”

Katie Ann wanted to yank the newspaper away from his face, but instead she took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “We could just—just stay in bed al day. Remember when we were first married, the day everyone was snowed in? No one could get out, and we just stayed in bed al day.” She waited for him to look at her. When he didn’t, she boldly went on. “We just made love al day long.”

“We’re not snowed in.”

Her eyes wel ed with tears. “Look at me, Ivan.”

He folded the paper, placed it on the table, then folded his hands on top of it. “Why are you yel ing?”

“I’m not yel ing. I just want you to look at me.” Egg dripped from the wooden spoon and onto the floor as she spoke.

Ivan put his glasses on the table and for the first time this morning, he looked into her eyes. “What is it, Katie Ann?”

“I’m asking you if you want to spend the day with me. Like—like we did that day we were snowed in so long ago.” She held her breath.

“We’re not snowed in and—”

“I know that, Ivan.” She put the spoon on the counter, then moved a few steps toward him. “And I know there is much work to be done around here. But I’m asking you if you want to spend the day together
.
.
.” She paused as she blinked back tears, which only made her feel pitiful and ridiculous. But she pressed on. “Just you and me. Making love al day.”

Ivan raised his hand to his forehead, and Katie Ann wondered if he was going to rub the skin off as his hand went back and forth. “I thought we’d been through al this, that we were going to stop trying to have a baby. It’s just not in God’s plan, Katie Ann.”

She sat down across the table from him. “I’m not talking about trying to make a baby, Ivan. I’m talking about a husband and wife spending the day together, just loving each other.” She reached for his hand, then squeezed. “This is a new beginning for us. I want to spend time in your arms, in this new place, in our bed.”