Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (43 page)

Have you answered most of these questions in accordance with the values of the Jewish mother we have explained in our book? If so,
mazel tov.
We welcome you to our club. Be sure to bring the
babka
and a picture of your handsome single son, brother, cousin or friend to the next meeting. We are always working on our next
mitzvah.

We are the so-called lucky ones: those subject to the constant advice, love and criticism of our Jewish mothers. We are their children. The three of us—Jonathan, Allyson and Joanna—are the results of our mothers (and fathers), and we exemplify to the world whether or not our mothers were successful or utter failures. When we grow up, we too will be either Jewish mothers ourselves, or married to one, if our mothers have anything to say about it.

Our mothers are by no means perfect. They do not convey every point they think they do—in fact, we had not heard some of this advice until this book was written. We constantly bicker with our mothers and particularly with our Grandmother Gloria, but all give us many valuable lessons. Not everything that we have experienced as families is in this book; our parents would be lousy if they shared the intimate details of our lives with the world, especially during these sensitive teen years. But we honestly feel that the bulk of this book is reflective of our mothers.

We were happily able to recount stories to our mothers of incidents they forgot themselves. We have better memories than our often ADD mothers, after all. We were involved in the production of this book and had full approval about what was written about us. That shows a truly good mother, one who is not consumed by a “good” story and forgets the reasons for writing her stories in the first place.

We do not always say thank you or show appreciation for our mothers. Most of the time we resent them for their advice and so-called wisdom. What makes them any better than any other mother to give advice? The truth is: absolutely nothing, but at least they are as good as anyone else. Our mothers have told you a lot of things in this book—ways to be a better friend, wife and mother. Well, we can speak only to the mothering aspect, and since that is the title of this book, we think it is pretty important.

If there is one thing our mothers have gotten across to us, other than “don’t do drugs” and “marry a Jew,” it is that they love us. We think that is the most important thing anyway. It makes up for take-out dinners and business trips because love is what we kids need the most. Every telephone conversation with our mothers and Grandma ends with “I love you, bye,” or in Grandma’s case “I love you—.” She hangs up on us a lot.

Every gap of silence in conversations with our mothers and aunts is filled with “You know how much I love you, right?” The answer is always “duh” or “whatever.” If we are in a good mood we may even reciprocate the phrase, but even though our moms don’t always get the mutual response from us, they keep on saying it, a thousand times a day. This may seem trivial, but to us it is the most important thing in the world.

So even though we complain A LOT and we resent our mothers for their “sage” advice, much of it really does seep in. All of us are different and have very different personalities, yet we all are very close to our mothers, even Jon, who is by no means a mama’s boy. Jonathan and Joanna have the same outspoken quality as the family members before us, whereas Ally is much quieter in her approach but just as effective. She has the quality of tact that the rest of our family lacks (and we have no clue where it comes from). Even though we fight, we know that our small family is all we have, and we could never imagine our lives without them. So, brace yourself, moms, a rare moment is about to come. We would like to say thank you and say that we really do love and appreciate you, and we will never let you grow old in a nursing home alone, especially without a dog.

Love always,
Jonathan, Allyson and Joanna

Peppered throughout this book are various Yiddish words. Yiddish is a language developed in Europe that originally began as a combination of German and Hebrew, using Hebrew letters. Many Yiddish words have been incorporated into everyday English usage—words such as
schmuck, shlep, mensch.
We have also included a few words and phrases in this glossary that aren’t technically Yiddish but are used often throughout this book and have a particular meaning for our culture—see “affair,” “High Holidays” and “appetizing.”

Yiddish is incredibly expressive. Many Yiddish words include a syllable that is pronounced to sound like you are clearing your throat, from the back. In English, we spell it with a “ch,” like Chanukah or
chutzpah.
If you know Hebrew, we are talking about the sound of the letter “chet.” So when you read a word like
nachas,
don’t think Mexican nachos with an “a.” Think nacccchhhhas, like you are about to make a spitball—only don’t spit.

 

AFFAIRS: (noun) Maybe you were thinking illicit trysts in a motel in the middle of the afternoon? The Jewish wife was not. Jewish affairs are celebrations, such as Bar Mitzvahs and weddings.

 

APPETIZING: (noun) that which we eat together on Sunday mornings, consisting of bagels, nova (unsalted smoked salmon), cream cheese, kippered salmon, sable and, if we are really feeling rich, sturgeon.

 

AVLA: (noun) a grudge, something you remember about a person that you can’t get over. Some people collect their
avlas
like fine wines, but like those wines that sit too long, they become bitter.

 

B’SHERT: (noun) meant to be. We use this for everything in life, as in “There are no coincidences, it was clearly
b’shert
that I should bump into you on the train, we should chat, and find out that we are both related to the same second cousin, and by the way, have figured out a way we can do business together.” Also used for one’s soul mate in life, one’s
“b’shert,”
the person who you were meant to be with.

 

BUBKES: (noun) See
gornisht.
Nada, nothing, zilch. Could be a little more than
gornisht,
but it amounts to
gornisht.

 

CHUTZPAH: (noun) nerve, as in, “Those gate-crashers had some
chutzpah
trying to sashay into a White House state dinner without an invitation.”

 

FARKLEMPT: (adjective) speechless, which is why it appears nowhere else in this book.

 

GESHRAI: (noun) a yell!

 

GEZUNT: (noun) health—the most important thing in the world.
Gae gezunt
—go in health.

 

GORNISHT: (noun) nothing, nada, zilch.

 

HIGH HOLIDAYS: (noun) refers to the two holidays of Rosh Hashanah, the beginning of the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur, and the ten days in between, which are called the Ten Days of Penitence, in which one is supposed to pray to be sealed into the Book of Life for another year.

 

KINDER: (noun) the children.

 

KISHKES: (noun) the insides, the stuffing—as in “Teenagers take the
kishkes
out of their parents.” Or “I don’t have the
kishkes
to handle divorce cases.” The best definition of
kishkes
is a synonym for guts, literally and metaphorically.

 

KNIPPLE: (noun) the stash of money a Jewish housewife keeps and spends however she wishes. The exact amount and whereabouts of the
knipple
are not usually disclosed to the husband, as it is really none of his business.

 

KVELL: (verb) exude pride in someone else’s accomplishments; what you do when your daughter has just become a doctor

 

KVETCH: (verb, noun) to whine, to complain. If you
kvetch
enough, you actually turn into a
kvetch.

 

LE, THE SUFFIX: AS IN LISALE, OR KINDERLE: connotes affection; could also mean the “little one.”

 

LEZEM GAYNE: (phrase) “Let them go. . . .” As in Mel Brook’s famous shout in
Blazing Saddles.
Also as in “let it go,” meaning, “forget about it.”

 

MACHATUNIM: (noun) the parents of your kid’s spouse. These are the people you need to go out of your way to be nice to, at least until after the wedding.

 

MACHER: (noun) an important person. Someone who has influence over something.

 

MAVEN: (noun) a person who knows everything about a particular subject. Mommy is a maven on cooking pot roast; Jill is a maven on social networking sites; Lisa is a maven on the schools in her neighborhood.

 

MAZEL TOV: (phrase) Congratulations! (Note: The literal Hebrew translation is “Good luck,” but the phrase means “Congratulations.”)

 

MEGILLAH: (noun) the whole thing, the entire situation. A huge thing is a
ganze megillah;
a small thing is a
kleine megillah.
For example, “She made such a
megillah
out of having to go through the airport baggage check, couldn’t she see that everyone has to do that too?”

 

MESHUGAS, emphasis on the “gas”: (noun or adjective) craziness. Come to our house when we are all together to observe the meaning of the term.

 

MESHUGANAH: (noun) crazy person, as in, “What is that protester doing carrying signs in the rain? Doesn’t he know he can catch cold? A
meshuganah.”
A
meshuganah
is someone who is not “normal,” whatever that is. A person who does not conform to what the Jewish parent thinks is normal behavior is automatically a
meshuganah.

 

MENSCH: (noun) a person with integrity, someone whose words and deeds can be relied on. Usually applied to a man. We have at least three
menschen
in our group, Sol, Bobby and Bill, and also Bill’s dad, Jerry Wexler, and Jon Wexler, emerging as one, as well as Bobby’s two sons, David and Jonathan.

 

MISHPOCHEH: (noun) family

 

MITZVAH: (noun) Colloquially, it means a good deed, as in fixing up eligible single people. The literal translation is “commandment.” There are 613
mitzvot
(plural of
mitzvah),
or commandments, in the Torah.

 

NACHAS: (noun) the joy you experience for an achievement of which you are proud. This could be anything from watching your son become a Bar Mitzvah, to a daughter graduating college. It usually refers to the accomplishments of one’s family.

 

OY VEY: (interjection) a Jewish exhale. Also
“Oy gevalt,” “Vey
iz
meer
” and the ever popular
“oy yoy yoy.”
Loosely translated as “Now what?” “There’s trouble,” or “Just what I expected, but I didn’t want to say I told you so.”

 

RACHMONES: (noun) mercy, as in empathy and understanding for someone else’s plight. You “show
rachmones”
to a person when you forgive him for doing something wrong because of a particular physical or mental condition he may have.

 

SCHMUCK: (noun) the
schlemiel
spills the soup. The
schlemazel
has the soup spilled on him. The schmuck pays the check for the meal.

 

SHANDA: (noun) a disgrace, as in what Bernie Madoff did to his victims. A
shanda
implies not just a disgrace on the individual, but a disgrace on others who are victims by association. Therefore, what Madoff did qualifies as a
shanda
because it also besmirched the names of honest Jews in business.

 

SHIVA: (noun) the seven-day period of mourning after a death. Think of it this way: Non-Jews observe the wake before the burial; Jews do the
shiva
after the burial, and for a longer time. Also, we never look at the body. Traditional Jews cover all mirrors in the home and sit on seats very low to the ground during this time.

 

SHLEP: (verb, noun) to carry, either oneself, or a thing. You wouldn’t want to
shlep
to and from Jersey every day from Connecticut. The commute would be such a
shlep.
This can also mean a slob or sloppy person who moves without grace. When he gets worse, we call him a
shlub.

 

SHUL: (noun) temple, synagogue

 

SIMCHA: (noun) an event of happiness, celebration; someone’s wedding, Bris or Bar Mitzvah

 

TORAH: (noun) the first five books of the Old Testament, considered the most sacred text of the Jewish faith because they were “given” to Moses on Mount Sinai

 

TSURIS: (noun) trouble, as in aggravation, as in most teenagers

 

YOM KIPPUR: (noun) Day of Atonement, most solemn and holy religious day of the Jewish faith

M
any people were extraordinarily helpful to us in writing this book. We wish to thank them now, in no particular order, and to apologize in advance to the people we are forgetting to thank and will be sick about after we see the book in print. Please forgive us.

My sister, Lisa, and mom, Gloria, for writing this book together for our children and grandchildren. I never thought I would be an author, and without them, I would never have accomplished this dream.

My husband, Bobby, for letting me be me and encouraging me every step of the way. My daughter, Allyson, who is my first, my last and my everything. You have grown up to be a remarkable young lady who has made us very proud. I hope this book gives you a template for how to get through your life and helps you raise your family one day.

Steven Shapiro, Allyson’s dad and my lifelong friend. My in-laws Leslie and A1 Shapiro, who have never stopped being part of my life.

My stepchildren, David, Jill, Jennifer and Jonathan, who have welcomed me into their lives since day one. I am so happy to be an “O”ma to baby Micah and Lila.