Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise (13 page)

Abe stood up. “You’re making a mistake,” he said bluntly. “And you’ll rue your impulsive ways when you realize it, too.”

Robert got to his feet as well. “It’s my mistake to make. Abe, I hope you and Mary have a long and prosperous life together. I hope the two of you enjoy each other’s company and find comfort for many years to come.” He sighed, for a moment debating whether to say what was on his mind or to hold his tongue. “But if something does happen to Mary, I promise that I will be by your side. I promise I’ll be there for you…even when I don’t always agree with your decisions. It would have been nice if you could have made such a promise to me.”

Abe’s eyebrows snapped together. “Now, wait a minute. I have been there for you—”

“You’ve been by my side to make sure I stay on the ‘right’ path. You’ve been here to tell me how our people are judging my behavior,” Robert said softly. “But what you don’t realize is that no matter what happens in the future…I will never, ever forget the past.”

“What’s she like, this Cassidy friend of yours?”

Lilly looked at Caleb and tried to describe her old friend in just a few words. It was difficult. Almost as hard as her phone call to Cassidy had been.

To put it mildly, Cassidy had been surprised that the first time Lilly had reached out to her was because she wanted Cassidy and her brother Eric to spend their Sunday afternoon with a sixteen-year-old Amish kid.

“She’s got brown hair and brown eyes.”

“And?”

Lilly thought some more. “She loves to go shopping.” She paused. “Let’s see. Cassidy is honest. And she’s funny.” She glanced his way again, unsure if she was giving him the information he wanted.

Caleb still stared at her. “But what is she
like
?”

“Hmm.” Lilly tried to think of a story that would illustrate what her friend from home was like. “Well, one time during our freshman year, a couple of girls we’re really into finally being in high school and we’re kind of putting on airs. It was ridiculous, really. They went to the mall and bought all kinds of expensive clothes and told everyone how much money they were spending.”

“And people respected that?”

“People respected that they had spent all that money,” she corrected with a hint of foreboding. That was the kind of thing Caleb was going to have trouble with. Not the spending money, but the unspoken nuances that reigned supreme in an English teen’s life. Things were “in” or “out.” And a teenager’s knowledge of that determined whether they would be included in groups or not.

Realizing her mind had been wandering, Lilly lightened her tone. “Anyway, part of their acting all grown up was to completely ignore Cassidy and me. As retaliation, Cassidy started a rumor that they’d bought all their clothes from a resale shop.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a place where people sell their old clothes and get money for it, and others can buy them. You can get good deals there if you go to some of the best stores. Anyway, everyone believed that rumor. So whenever the girls continued to brag about their expensive things, people just snickered.”

Caleb looked impressed. “So Cassidy’s a mean sort of girl.”

“No, not really. She’s just fair, I think. She was tired of being looked down on by girls who were trying to be something they weren’t. Anyway, there’s more to the story than that. About a week later, Cassidy went out of her way to befriend the girls. She felt really guilty for what she’d done.” She glanced Caleb’s way. “That’s what I’m trying to get at. She’s impulsive yet friendly. She’s got a sense of what’s right and wrong, but she struggles with it, too. She’s not all sweet and perfect. She’s just, well…Cassidy. You’ll like her, Caleb.”

As she sped along 90 toward Cleveland, keeping in the middle lane, Caleb looked like he was weighing that story over and over in his head. Finally he spoke. “Do you think she’s going to like me?”

“She’s going to like you fine. And she should anyway. You’re great.”

Caleb didn’t say anything. Lilly wasn’t sure if her words embarrassed him, or if it was all just too much to take in. They hit traffic closer to the city, so she had to stop thinking about Caleb’s worries and concentrate on the traffic.

But he was doing enough sightseeing to keep them both occupied. “What’s that?”

“It’s a steel mill. There’re still a few around. Not like there used to be, though. More than a dozen factories around here have closed since our parents were our age.”

“The factories are very big.”

“They are. I’ve never been in one, but people have told me they’re like a small city. Real mazes in there.”

As traffic picked up, they saw some of the skyscrapers in the distances, and the wide expanse of Lake Erie to the north. “It looks like the ocean,” Caleb said. “I mean the ocean that I’ve seen in pictures at school.”

Glancing at the wide expanse of water, with the silky blue waves rushing the shore, and the whitecaps decorating them, Lilly smiled. “No, you’re right. It looks a lot like the ocean. I love to look at the water.” It was one of the reasons she’d driven a little farther north than she needed to. “Every once in a while, I meet someone who talks as if the Great Lakes aren’t really all that big—like they’re just overgrown lakes. They have no idea how much they look like the ocean.”

She started south on 71 toward Strongsville. “We’re only about thirty minutes away now.”

Beside her, Caleb kept quiet. Lilly could practically feel him tense up as she exited the freeway.

The silence remained as she headed into the heart of the suburb—toward the only place she’d ever really known until they’d moved to Sugarcreek.

To her surprise, Lilly hardly had to even look at the streets. Even after all this time, it felt like she’d just taken that exit a week ago.

But what was surprising was that she wasn’t feeling as nostalgic as she thought she would. Maybe it was the nervousness she felt about seeing Cassidy again. Maybe it was her second-guesses about taking Caleb. She didn’t want Caleb to be made fun of.

But she couldn’t protect him. He was desperate for a change, and she knew enough about that to want to help him in any way that she could.

“Hey, Caleb, just to let you know…Cassidy doesn’t know I was pregnant.”

He looked at her in surprise. “Why not?”

“My mom and dad didn’t want anyone to know,” she blurted, then amended her words. “No, that’s not completely true. I didn’t want anyone to know, either.”

“Because you’d be shunned.”

“Shunned? Yeah, in a way I was worried about that.”
Shunning
.

The word caught her off guard. It was such an antiquated word. Such an Amish word. Yet, that was what she’d feared the most, wasn’t it?

She’d been afraid that she’d be made fun of. Left behind while everyone else went on with their lives…

All this time, she’d acted like it had been her parents who’d been so afraid of what others thought. She’d been so self-righteous, lashing out at them. Blaming them for so much.

Perhaps, even secretly blaming them for her miscarriage. It had been so much easier to put the bad feelings on their shoulders. To resent them for everything. So much easier to blame her parents, like a spoiled child.

Instead of accepting responsibility like the grown-up she’d been trying too hard to be.

The realization wasn’t a good one. In fact, it was bitter and embarrassing. For a moment, her hands tightened on the steering wheel and everything around them blurred.

“Lilly!”

She jerked back to the present. “What?”

Caleb’s hands flew in the air. Obviously he was dying to place his hands on the steering wheel, but didn’t dare.

“The car!”

Only then did she realize that her Civic had started to drift to the left. With a jerk, she righted the car. “Sorry,” she bit out. Then, realizing that her weak apology did nothing to soothe the moment, Lilly breathed deeply. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “When you mentioned shunning, it brought forth a lot of memories and thoughts I’ve been trying hard to ignore.”

Still looking alarmed, Caleb faced forward. “S’okay.”

“Um, back to what you said…yes, I think I was worried about being shunned by my friends. I had a great group of both guy and girlfriends. Though I let my parents be the driving force for the move, I know now that I was grateful for it.”

“They really wouldn’t have accepted you with a baby?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they would have. Maybe not.” She reflected some more. “I think I was more worried about their opinion of me than anything else. I didn’t want it to change.”

“Because they thought so highly of you?”

“Yes. No, that doesn’t sound quite right. It was more like they thought I was a perfect fit in their group. If I was different, I wouldn’t fit in so well, you know?”

The moment she said the words, Lilly regretted them. Caleb had his own problems. He didn’t need hers to shoulder as well. “Guess what?” She pointed to a red brick house with black shutters. “We’re here.”

“What if I don’t get along with them? I’ll be out of choices.”

“I’ve started to realize that God provides more choices than we can ever imagine. If this isn’t the answer for you, then something else will come along. It’s just that simple.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“I know it’s not.” She was mature enough to admit that she didn’t know all the answers. And that it would be wrong to even try. “I don’t know. I guess I just decided to start hoping and praying for solutions. That counts for something, right?”

He leaned his head back against the seat’s headrest, his wheat-colored hair mixing with the beige upholstery fabric. “It does. I didn’t think I would be so
naerfich
. So nervous.”

“I think it means you care,” she said softly. “So that’s a good thing. Now, let’s go in. Mrs. Leonard is probably looking out her living room window at us, wondering why we are still sitting in the car.” Before he could stall, she opened her car door and grabbed her purse.

But she still took the time to say a quick, silent prayer for guidance.

Cassidy opened the door before they were even halfway up the walk. “Hi! You made it.”

“We did. We’re not late, are we?”

“No, I was just looking for you.” She eyed Caleb up and down. “Hi. I’m Cassidy.”

“Caleb.”

She stepped backward to allow them entrance, then closed the door behind her. “My mom is so excited to see you two. She’s in the living room, waiting.”

As they followed Cassidy, Caleb looked around, stunned.

Lilly didn’t blame him. Walking into the Leonards’ home was like walking into another world, one that was a little bit more colorful and unusual than his own.

She didn’t know anyone else whose house looked like theirs, though a few other neighbors and friends had tried. Belatedly, Lilly realized she probably should have mentioned something to Caleb about it. It wasn’t all that big, but it was beautifully decorated inside—like something out of a magazine, but with a huge batch of whimsy, too.

She and her other girlfriends used to love having sleep-overs at Cassidy’s because staying at the home was like staying in a museum, or at least a really kitschy gift shop. Back when they were small, she’d at first been afraid she’d accidentally break something and Cassidy’s mom would get mad. But she never did.

Funny how all those good memories had been carefully pushed away. Had she really been so afraid to look back at her past?

Lilly watched Caleb. He was staring at his heavy-soled work boots, which appeared glaringly harsh against the array of fancy furnishings…and she wondered what such a home looked like to Caleb…what he was thinking.

Caleb tried not to feel completely conspicuous as he followed Lilly into the fanciest room he’d ever seen.

He tried to think of something his father always said. Everyone’s the same in God’s eyes. Caleb had always taken that to be true.

Mrs. Leonard was a small woman—shorter than his sister Judith, with fine features and an interested, almost birdlike expression on her face. She was dressed in a faded pair of jeans, cowboy boots, and a bright turquoise sweater. Matching stones hung from her ears.

Yes, she looked very modern and unique. But her voice and mannerisms were as comforting as his own grandmother’s hug. “We’re so glad you came for a visit, Caleb.”

“I…I am, too.”

“I’m so looking forward to getting to know you.” Catching his eye, Lilly gave him a quick smile. That surely signaled for him to not be worried. Too much.

“Hey.” A guy a bit older than Caleb sauntered in. “I’m Eric.”

“Caleb.”

Eric held up a half-eaten apple. “You hungry?” Eating an apple felt better than sitting there like a lump on a log. “Sure.”

“Come on in the kitchen, then. Mom, we’ll be right back.” Eric’s voice was respectful, but the look on his face was full of humor. “I don’t know how your mother is, but mine loves to tell me the same thing, over and over.”

“I’ve gotten that treatment before.”

“I can promise you, if we’d sat in there for an hour, my mom wouldn’t have moved from her spot on the couch—she’s been so anxious to catch up with Lilly.”

Once in the kitchen, Eric pulled open the refrigerator’s produce drawer and extracted another juicy red apple. After Caleb took it, Eric leaned on the counter. “So why do you want to leave your family?”

“It’s not my family I want to leave. It’s farming.” Even as he said the words, Caleb second-guessed himself. Was it just farming that he wanted to leave? He could have sworn it was far more.

“But I thought you guys owned a store?”

“We do, and farm a bit, too. But I don’t want to work there, either.”

“And you’re done with school?”

“Yes. We, um, stop formal schooling after the eighth grade.”

Chewing on another bite, Eric shrugged. “Wow. I think it would be cool to not have to stress your whole junior and senior year about getting into college. That seems to be all I ever do.”

Eric’s words confused him. The boys he’d met in Sugarcreek hadn’t ever talked about college—they’d been more intent on having fun. “Is that all you do with your time? Study?”

“No. I do pretty much what most high school kids do, I guess. I play basketball. I hang out with my friends. Do homework. Oh, and then there’s my youth group.”

He hadn’t heard of that term before. “What’s that?”

“It’s a bunch of high school kids in my church.”

Caleb had been so fixated on leaving the Amish faith he’d neglected to think about how other kids his age practiced their religion. “You go to church?”

“Well, yeah. Because you were coming, we went early this morning. If you live with us, you can go if you want. There’s a ton of kids who go to the high school Sunday-school classes. And we do other stuff together. Last summer we went on a mission trip to West Virginia.”

“Eric…” Mrs. Leonard was calling from the living room. “If you’re going to go, you better leave now. Or bring Caleb back in here.”

“All right.” To Caleb, he said, “I told my mom I’d take you out for a drive, if you wanted to go. Want to?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t forget to watch the time, Eric!” reminded his mother.

Eric shook his head at her warning. After throwing his apple core in the trash, he glanced Caleb’s way again. “If you live here, get ready to be told what to do.”

“I’m used to that,” Caleb murmured. “Very used to that.”

An hour later, they were back in the fancy living room. Eric had shown Caleb his school and a basketball court where he and his friends hung out. They’d met a few of his friends, but before too much time had passed, Eric mumbled that they’d better get back home.

And Mrs. Leonard—as Eric had predicted—was still sitting on the couch across from Lilly and Cassidy.

After refusing her offer of making Caleb something to eat, she looked at him directly. “Now, I know you’ve probably already told all this to Eric, but I want to hear it from you. What has made you decide that you want to live here, in Strongsville?”

The direct question, combined with her searching gaze, made him feel like an animal with a target on its back. To his embarrassment, he started to sweat. “I…I…”

“He’s kind of trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life,” Lilly interjected.

“But why do you need to figure that out now?” Cassidy asked. “You’re only sixteen.”

He wondered how he was ever going to be able to describe his situation to people who were so different from him. Slowly, he said, “In my order, it’s normal for kids my age to have a
rumspringa
, a running-around time. It’s during this time that we investigate life outside. I have been doing things with
Englischers
in Sugarcreek, but it hasn’t felt enough. Soon, I’ll need to make a decision about whether I become Amish or not.”

“You really don’t know what you want to do?” Eric asked slowly.

“I’m conflicted. I love my family. We own a store and we have a small farm, too. Both of those jobs would be good options for my future. But neither appeals to me. At least, not in the way that I’d hoped.”

“Perhaps you simply need more time?”

“I’m not sure.”

Eric leaned forward. “Do your parents know you came out here?”

“Yes.”

“Aren’t they mad at you?”

Mrs. Leonard shook her head in exasperation. “Eric!”

“Well, wouldn’t you be? Besides, it’s just a question.”

“It’s all right,” Caleb said, realizing that questions of this sort were indeed all right.

They weren’t anything he hadn’t asked himself already. What was even harder, though, was that he wasn’t quite sure how to answer. Caleb began to wonder if he was the only sixteen-year-old in the world who felt so confused about who he was. Most other Amish teens he knew pretty much already had their future in mind. They were merely using their running-around time as a way to take a break from constant chores.

Or there were some who had already planned to not join their order. They planned to become Mennonite, or to live with non-Amish relatives and go to high school.

It seemed like only he had no idea what he wanted. Nothing sounded right. Not farming…and maybe not even moving to Strongsville. “No, they weren’t mad. But I thought they were going to be.” When the others leaned forward, obviously waiting for him to tell more, Caleb tried to answer. “It’s not that I don’t like being Amish; I’m just not sure if it is who I want to be forever.” He paused. “I had always thought there were no choices for my life, how I lived. That I was either destined to farm or work at our family’s store or leave the order. But maybe there are choices I haven’t been able to imagine.”

“And if you don’t explore options, you’re going to regret it,” Eric responded.

“I think that’s true.”

“Already I think you’ll fit right in with us, Caleb,” Mrs. Leonard said. “Don’t make a decision now. If you want to stay with us for a few months, we’d be happy to have you.”

“I think you need a break,” Cassidy said. “I mean, how can you know who you want to be
forever
? You’re not supposed to.”

“It’s different for Amish teenagers,” Lilly interjected gently. “There’s a lot of rules to being Amish. They give up a lot of things.”

“Do you have to?” Cassidy asked.

“Yes,” Caleb said.

“But for a while they don’t,” Lilly said in a rush. “During their
rumspringa
—their running-around time—they get a chance to see new things for a time.”

Cassidy leaned forward, obviously struggling to understand. “So you haven’t gotten to do that?”

“My
rumspringa
started…but lately it hasn’t felt like enough,” Caleb explained.

“Then what will be?”

“I don’t know.” Feeling a little deflated, Caleb sank back deeper into the down-filled cushions. “I thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure.”

Mrs. Leonard took control. “I’m sorry. Some hosts we are. All we’ve done since you’ve gotten here is pester you with questions.” Turning to her left, she smiled in Lilly’s direction. “For the last hour, all Cassidy and I have been doing is filling you in on all of your friends. Why don’t you fill us in on everything that’s been going on with you since you’ve moved.”

“Oh. Well. I got a job.”

“Cassidy told me that. You’re a waitress, right?”

“Yes.”

“I thought you were going to go to college? You were such a good student, Lilly. What happened?”

Caleb watched his neighbor turn pale. Though he ached to help her out, he knew that this was a time for her to explain herself—just like he had done.

“Oh, well…”

She was going to lie. He felt it. Caleb squished back into the cushions and prepared to keep his expression as neutral as possible while she lied to them.

Mrs. Leonard chuckled. “Come on, Lilly. Now you’ve got me really intrigued. Don’t keep us in suspense!”

“Well, I was pregnant, but I lost the baby. I miscarried it.”

“What?”
Cassidy shouted.

Even Mrs. Leonard looked startled.

“We moved because I was pregnant.”

“With Alec’s baby?” asked Cassidy.

“Yep. He wasn’t interested in being a father. Which was okay. We weren’t a match made in heaven, you know?”

“I can’t believe you never told me.”

“My parents didn’t want anyone to know…”

“But that’s no reason to not tell me,” insisted Cassidy.

“Okay. How about I didn’t want to see you look at me the way you are right now? Is that good enough?”

Caleb’s stomach fluttered as Cassidy’s eyes filled with tears.

“And how is that?” protested Cassidy.

“Like there’s something wrong with me.”

“There is. You’re a liar.”

“Cassidy—”

“Lilly, I can’t believe you. When I think about all the stuff I told you, all the secrets I told you…you always said we were close. But maybe we really weren’t.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Lilly, you left Strongsville without telling me a thing.”

“It was too hard to talk about.”

“I could have helped.”

“Look, a lot of things that happened were out of my control,” Lilly said. “Alec broke up with me, and then my parents insisted we move. Then, they kept saying that if I just kept moving forward, in less than a year, I could go to college and no one would know what happened.”

“And you believed them?”

“I wanted to. But then it all got confused. And then I lost the baby. And then I didn’t know how to tell you everything.”

“Except now. When you want something.”

“Wow,” Lilly murmured. “I knew we’d drifted apart, but I guess I didn’t realize just how much.”

Caleb looked at his hands. This was the worst visit ever. Now all three of the Leonards looked like they’d rather be doing anything but have him and Lilly there.

At the moment, Caleb felt the same way.