Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise (20 page)

Three weeks had passed since Caleb had ironed everything out with his father. Three weeks since he’d realized that he was destined to join the church and take his place in the family. Three weeks since the Lord had led him to a new understanding.

Ever since the decision had been made, a new tranquility had descended on his family. Instead of being torn that he didn’t want to follow in either his father’s or his brother Joshua’s footsteps, the opposite had happened. Now jokes were made about Caleb being “his grandfather’s son.” The new title felt good.

For all the conversations and decisions that had been made, much of his life stayed the same. He finished up his punishment chores, and gladly gave Anson back his duties—much to his brother’s dismay. He still worked at the store a few days a week. But this time he resented it less because he knew it wasn’t his destiny.

Every now and then, Caleb also took some time for himself. One of his favorite places was still Mrs. Miller’s home. He’d gotten lucky one afternoon when he’d stopped by; she’d greeted him with a fresh-made batch of pumpkin cookies.

“Here you go, Caleb,” she said as she placed a plate in front of them. “They’re still so warm, the cream cheese icing is practically dripping off of them. I got you a nice mug of hot chocolate, too.”

From other ladies, he might have struggled with feeling like he was being babied. From Mrs. Miller, though, he always enjoyed her fussing.

“They smell wonderful.
Danke
.” After a brief—very brief—prayer of thanks, he took a hearty bite.

Closing his eyes in pleasure, he was happy to realize that they were, indeed, as good as they looked. “You make the best cookies.”

“I like to bake, that’s all,” she said modestly. But even her humble words couldn’t hide her glow of happiness at receiving his compliment. “Now, I’ve heard about how you’re not going to go live with the English family. And, how you aren’t all that anxious to hang out with those English boys around town, either. What are you planning to do?”

Even the small reminder of his scary afternoon at the police station made Caleb shudder. “I visited the brickyard. Though they can’t promise me anything, the manager said there was a good chance I could work for him as soon as I turn eighteen.”

“Are you all right with that? Eighteen is still two years away.”

“I think I am.” He shrugged. “Now that I don’t feel like I’m being pushed into a future not of my choosing, I seem to be able to breathe easier.”

“That’s always a
gut
feeling, I think. And friends?”

“I have some. Enough.”

“I’ve often found that it’s the quality of friends that count, far more than the quantity,” she mused.

“I’m finding that to be true.” Lately, he had been leaning toward “quality” friends, friends who he knew were likely to be there for him through thick or thin. He’d been writing to Eric Leonard, and he had promised to visit one day soon. He’d also renewed ties with some of his childhood friends from the Amish school.

They’d accepted him after minor misgivings and were proving to be extremely close. Those boys all had the same background as he did. They also felt the same as he about their faith. He’d been such a fool to push them all away when he’d been so sure he belonged among the English.

He’d been so centered on only his wants and needs that he’d neglected to realize that so many of the other boys his age were going through the same things that he was.

“I’m happy for you. And relieved.” Mrs. Miller set a cookie on the napkin in front of her. “I would have been happy to help you with whatever you wanted to do, but honestly, some of the paths you were researching were scary ones. I’ve heard that even adults have a difficult time if they leave the order and move away.”

“I’m happy I’m not fighting with my parents as much anymore, too.” Actually, he didn’t think he could put into words how relieved he was to be able to have regular conversations with them. The constant thread of tension had been exhausting.

Eyes brightening, Mrs. Miller murmured, “And Anson? How’s he doing?”

In spite of himself, Caleb grinned. His brother was a favorite of most everybody’s. “Anson? Oh, he’s the same. He’s still a pain, but Judith and I finally talked to Mamm and Daed about how we felt about Anson and Carrie not picking up enough slack. Once we started giving examples, they believed us and came round to our way of thinking. So he and Carrie are doing lots more.”

He’d just taken a sip from the hot chocolate when the back door opened and a girl scampered in.

“Mrs. Miller, I’m so sorry I’m late. I ended up having to help carry some vegetables to my parents’ stand, and you know how that goes.”

Mrs. Miller stood up. “That’s quite all right, Rebecca.” She looked Caleb’s way. “Heavens! I didn’t mean to be rude. Do you two know each other?”

Slowly the girl turned around. Just as Caleb got to his feet, and gaped. “Rebecca Yoder?”

A dimple appeared as she smiled hesitantly. “Hi, Caleb.”

Mrs. Miller clasped her hands together. “Oh, so you two do know each other!”

“A little bit,” Rebecca allowed.

Unable to look away from that smile, he murmured, “You moved, didn’t you?”

She nodded. “Two years ago.” Turning to Mrs. Miller, she explained. “We moved to the other side of Sugarcreek when my father inherited his parents’ farm.”

“It’s good to see you again,” he said weakly. Then flushed. How could he sound so dumb?

Rebecca played with a fold in her apron. “Why don’t you come to any of the singings?”

“I…I was thinking I just might start.”

Her golden eyes sparkled. “There’s one this Sunday night. It’s at our home. You should come. I mean…if you want.”

“I’ll probably go.” Then, afraid he looked too eager, he said more slowly, “I mean, I will if I don’t have anything else to do.”

Her cheeks turned pink. Then, looking as flustered as he felt, she turned away. “Mrs. Miller, what would you like me to do today?”

“Dust the bookshelves in the library, please. Then, if you have time, I’d like you to mop the floors upstairs.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Before turning to go, she darted a quick glance his way. But before he could think of anything to say, she turned away.

Caleb couldn’t resist following her movements as she gracefully walked out of the room and down the hall to the library.

Mrs. Miller noticed. “She’s a nice girl, that Rebecca.”

“Yes. I mean, she seems nice.”

“So, you two were in school together when you were young?”

“Yes.”

“I’m surprised you two never mentioned each other.”

“We didn’t know each other back then. She looked different. And shy.”

“I think she’s mighty pretty,” said Mrs. Miller.

Oh, she was. She was terribly pretty. And there was something about her eyes that made him curious to know what she was thinking.

But he felt funny saying any of that. So he took another bite of cookie instead.

“You’ve lost weight, Lilly,” her mother said when Lilly was helping her sort and fold baby clothes in the newly painted nursery.

Lilly’s hands paused, two tiny nightshirts in her hands. “I know.”

“That’s not healthy. You know, you never did gain back all the weight you lost after the miscarriage.” She paused. “Starving yourself won’t fix your problems.”

“I know. I just haven’t been hungry.”

Her mom looked at her worriedly as she pulled out another pair of socks and neatly put them in a drawer. “It’s been a month since you broke things off with Robert, but you still seem so down. Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do? Do you want to talk about things?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” When a look of extreme concern passed over her mother’s features, guilt weighed heavy on her. “Mom, thanks for caring. But I don’t want you to worry. You’ve got your own health to worry about.”

“I might have another baby coming, but that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you. Or that I don’t want to try and help.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Lilly said honestly. “I’ve fallen in love with a man I shouldn’t love. One day it won’t hurt so bad.”

As she picked up a soft quilt and folded it into fourths, her mom murmured, “There’s got to be something you can do…”

“The only thing that would give me Robert is to become Amish. Mom, I wish I could do that. I wish I could with my whole heart, but I can’t. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to give my vows to the church, or to that way of life. But right now, I just can’t. It’s not who I am, and it’s not who I think I can be.”

“I never thought I’d encourage you to become Amish, but maybe you should speak to the Grabers?” she said gently. “Maybe they can give you some guidance. I really hate to see you so heartbroken.”

“It was a talk with them that made me realize that I need to be honest with myself. Not rush into something in order to get what I want.” As her voice started to crack, Lilly steeled herself. Tried to at least look like she was in control. “Am I wrong? I thought being strong and not giving in to what I want right now meant I was maturing.”

“You’re maturing. And, I’m proud of you, I am. I just had hoped that things would be easier for you. That’s all.”

“Me too,” she murmured. “I had hoped after everything I’d been through this year that things would become easier.”

Her mother had just squeezed her shoulder when a knock at the front door brought them both to their feet. “It must be a package,” she murmured.

Lilly sat listlessly on the braided rug and folded another pair of sleepers as her mother walked to the front door. But when Lilly heard low murmuring instead of the expected open and shutting of the door, she got to her feet and walked down the hall.

And then almost felt her knees give way when she saw who’d come to call. “Robert?”

He stood at the entrance to the kitchen, hat in hand. “Lilly. Hello.”

“Hello.” As they stared at each other—and her mother stared at them—Lilly felt her face flush. Honestly, could they be saying anything less meaningful at that moment? Or more absurd?

“Lilly, I wondered if perhaps you’d like to come walking with me.”

She was afraid. So far, it had taken everything she had to move on. To not think of Robert every waking moment. To not wish that she could be different.

What would happen if she was in his company again? How could she stand it if the same longing to be his girlfriend…his fiancée…his
wife
hit her just as hard as it had a mere thirty days ago?

Without her saying a word, Robert seemed to understand. “I know it’s hard. But, please?”

In spite of her best intentions to remain self-supporting, she looked her mother’s way.

With a shrug and a nod, she silently gave Lilly her answer.
It couldn’t hurt. And, it might be a good thing.

“I’ll get my coat.” Leaving the room, she rushed to her own. As she grabbed her wool coat off the pile of clothes on a rocking chair, Lilly spied her reflection in the mirror.

The woman looking back at her was the exact opposite of the person who’d first moved into the bedroom almost a year ago. Her cheeks weren’t as full. The scared look from an uncertain future had been replaced with the quiet knowledge that not everything would ever go her way.

Not even if she hoped and thought positively.

Not even if she prayed really hard.

Sometimes, God took everything out of her hands. He was in charge. It was necessary for her to accept it and move on.

This, of course, was one of those times.

Mindful of Robert standing in the hall and waiting for her, she hurried back. “I’m ready.”

“Let’s go, then?”

He held the back door open for her as she led the way out into the garage, and then to the driveway. It was close to Thanksgiving now, and the air no longer just hinted of the coming winter, it had a definite frosty edge to it.

Gone were the vivid blue skies and golden leaves that had decorated each day with hope. Now the sky was gray, emphasizing the weathermen’s predictions that the first snowfall was likely to arrive that afternoon.

Robert fingered the collar of her coat. “This fabric isn’t terribly thick. Will you be warm enough?”

“I’ll be fine.” Holding up her gloved hands, she tried to smile.

He looked at the cashmere covering her fingers with misgiving. “Those don’t seem too warm, either.”

“I’ll be fine as soon as we start walking.” In actuality, she didn’t even feel the cold. Inside, she felt numb—a curious dread had filtered through her body…preparing her for his words. For yet another round of disappointment. Actually, everything about him made her ache with regrets.

Just being near him reminded her of her shattered hopes. Of the fact that not all dreams could become realities.

He pointed to the left. “Do you care to walk toward the Yoders’ vegetable stand? There’s a good path near the road. I fear it might be too chilly to walk across the fields toward the creek.”

The walk she’d once told him was her favorite. “That’s fine.”

Side by side they set out. Stiff and slow. Though she never would have taken his arm, walking by his side while taking care not to touch him definitely felt awkward.

After a good five minutes, her impatience won out. “Robert, why did you want to see me?”

“Because I couldn’t stay away.”

“You need to try. Believe me, if I thought I could move in with the Grabers and learn Pennsylvania Dutch and adopt the
Ordnung
, I would.” Every word felt like it was being pulled from her insides. “I promise, I would do all that in a heartbeat. You don’t know how hard I’ve tried to see myself as Amish. But I’m not ready.”

He paused. “Lilly, do you still love me?”

How could he even ask? “Of course I do.”

“I…I still love you, too.”

Lilly moved one foot in front of the other. Told herself not to look at him. Not to care so much. Not to feel so much. Soon, she could go back to her room and cry. And then, later, she could smile at the world again. She could pretend that she was fine.

In front of them, the path widened and split. The far side led to a small area with a bench and a small overhang. A school bus stop.

Cupping his hand around hers, he pulled her into the enclosure. Now they were surrounded on three sides by wide slats of wood. Effectively shielded from the outside world. Standing a mere two feet apart. Here, the air was warmer, it mixed with their breath. Heated their cheeks.

“Lilly,” he began, his voice gravelly and thick, “I came to see you because I wanted to tell you that I understand.”

Knowing he understood didn’t stop the pain. “All right. OK.” She stepped back. “Let’s go back—”

His hand tightened around hers. Slowly pulled her closer. “Shh,” he murmured. Carefully, he pressed his lips to her brow. “Listen, Lilly.” When she lifted her chin to meet his gaze, he continued. “And…I wanted to tell you that I spoke to my family. And to our bishop.” He took a deep breath. “I’m going to leave the church.”

Panic slammed her. “No.” She knew what he’d be giving up. She knew how solemn his vows to his faith were. How much he loved his community.

Instead of looking relieved, Robert only looked amused. “It’s not a choice for you, my Lilly. It was a decision only I could make.”

With wide eyes, she watched him raise her left hand and carefully peel off her glove. “You’ll be shunned. I can’t let you do that. Not even for me.”

To her confusion, he chuckled softly before pressing his lips to her bare knuckles. “Oh, Lilly. When will you ever understand how special you are? When will you ever understand how much you are valued? You are worth my sacrifice. Any sacrifice.”

She shook her head. No. He was wrong. She wasn’t worth that. “Robert—”

“Shh. Please listen. Since you’ve left, I’ve tried to go on. But my heart is empty. I’m only twenty-four, but I feel like an old man. I’ve lost a wife, and now, I’ve been about to lose a future love. I can’t do that.”

After removing her other glove, he took her hands and set them between his own. Immediately, his rough, work-hewn palms covered hers and warmed them. Just like they had in the cornfield.

“My life with Grace was everything I’d ever wanted,” he murmured. “She was a wonderful woman, and everything I had ever dreamed in a wife.” His expression became wistful as he continued. “If she had lived, I know we would have been happy.”

“I know that.”

Reaching up, he smoothed back her hair. “But I can’t remake the past. I can’t simply go find another Amish woman and build a marriage again.”

“Perhaps in time…”

“There’s been no one for me after Grace. No one, until I saw you. You have lifted my sorrows and brought light into my life again. Because of you, I’m able to think of a future.”

“But leaving the Amish—”

“There’s a conservative Mennonite church not far from here. I went and talked to their ministers yesterday.”

“Yes?”

“They believe many of the same things that I do. It will be a difficult change, but I think, with God’s help, that I can make a life for myself there…if I had you.”

A Mennonite church? She knew enough about the faith from her employer to know that she could become Mennonite.

Robert continued. “As a Mennonite, you could retain some of your technologies. They would let you have a car. A phone. They would not look upon our marrying as wrong.”

“But your family—”

“They are terribly upset,” he murmured. “There’s disappointment and tears, I’m not going to lie. I don’t know what is going to happen. Perhaps I will be completely shunned. Perhaps one day I’ll be welcomed back into their homes, at least for a visit.”

Very slowly, he lifted her chin with one finger, so that their eyes met. So there could be no mistaking about what he was going to say. “Lilly, I’m willing to accept their rejection if it means I can have you. If I can have you as mine. For a lifetime.”

With deliberate care, she pressed her other bare palm against his. Palm to palm. Skin to skin. Together, their hands looked right.

All Lilly had to do was curve her fingers around his and she could grasp hold of his own. They would be joined.

Just as she’d dreamed.

Perhaps some dreams could become real, after all. And so, she threaded her fingers through his. Then reached up and grabbed hold of his shoulders. Clung. “Yes,” she finally said.

His face lit up. “Yes to what?”

She couldn’t help but smile. “Yes to everything. To the Mennonite church. To love. To marriage. But most of all—yes to you, Robert Miller.”

Without another word, he folded her into his arms. She could feel his chest shudder in relief as she buried her face in his shoulder and smelled his fresh, clean scent.

He loved her. The most amazing man she’d ever met loved her—and was willing to sacrifice everything for a life together.

Closing her eyes, she murmured, “I hope I’ll be able to make you happy, Robert. I promise I’ll try.”

He pushed back a lock of hair, brushing away her fears. “Don’t you understand, Lilly Allen? I already know you’ll make me happy. Because you already do. I know you’ll promise to love me, because you already do.”

Very carefully, he leaned back so their eyes could meet. She looked at him with so much love in her eyes, and he murmured, “I know we’ll have a lifetime together. A lifetime that will be worth all our sacrifices, because you’ve already given me so much. You’ve already promised me a future when you agreed to be by my side. You’ve already given me what I’ve longed to have…you.”

Too overcome for words, she raised her lips to his. And kissed him.

And kissed him again. Just as the first snowflakes of the season fluttered in the air, swirled, and gently cascaded to the ground.

Covering everything with the fresh, clean promise of hope.