'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy (29 page)

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Authors: Leslie Langtry

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—The Bride,
Kill Bill
 
 
“All right,” I said, lowering my gun. “We’ll trust you.”
I turned and watched as Dak, Diego, Liv and Paris did the same. Romi stood behind Diego, looking really pissed off.
I took a deep breath. Here it was, our moment of truth. Would they keep their end of the agreement? Or was I about to join the family plot on the far side of the island?
Shit. The Council still had their guns trained on us. This was it. I was never going to marry Diego, see Romi grow up, or make those damned Halloween cookies. I closed my eyes, accepting my fate like a Bombay should.
I waited for the sound of the bullet that would soon be drilling through my head. Instead, there was a zzzzzzzt. Like the sound of a large bug hitting a bug zapper. I opened my eyes and saw Missi standing in front of the stage, holding a small remote with a large red button. Why is it always a red button? Why not a blue one? Or yellow? Yellow would be good.
Even more amazing, the bodies of the Council members lay on the dais, twitching.
“You electrocuted them?” I asked Missi as Dak, Diego and Paris snatched up the Council’s weapons.
Missi looked at the remote, a little distracted. “Oh yeah. I knew something like this might happen someday. So I implanted each of them with a device that sends a shock of electrical current. They’re not dead. Just stunned.”
“Huh. I always thought they had us implanted with explosives.”
Missi arched her eyebrow. “That’s paranoid.”
I pointed to the dais. “You did it to them!” I scratched my chin. “How’d you do it?”
Missi laughed. “I told them all I was taking their measurements for more biometric technology. I,” she lifted her hands to do finger quotes, “‘accidentally’ stuck them with a pin while taking their measurements. The pin released a mechanism into the elbow. They were totally clueless.” She sighed. “Well, until now, that is. Of course, I knew something like this would happen someday.”
I stared at her. “You knew this would happen?”
“I live here. I know how they think.” She scowled at the twitching body of her grandmother, Dela. “That really pisses me off. Pulling guns on my cousins.” She turned back to me. “We’re family. We have to stick together.”
Liv draped her arms around Missi and me. “Looks like Missi had our back.”
I turned to hug Romi, when I spied, with my little eye, Richie dragging himself toward the door. I picked him up by the hair and hauled him back. “You aren’t going anywhere.” I looked at Missi. “All of our evidence is screwed. How are we going to prove he did it?”
“Well.” Missi thought for a moment. “I think I can fix your stuff. If that doesn’t work, you could always pull his fingernails out with pliers until he confesses.” Her gaze turned to Richie. “Damn. I always hoped I’d be the one to nail him. Nice shootin’, Tex.”
Diego, Dak and Paris had revived the Council, helping them back into their chairs. We tied them up. I’m not a total moron.
It didn’t take long for Missi to get the bugs worked out of our equipment. We made the Council listen to the tape and look at the photos. In the end, they agreed that Richie had, in fact, been behind it all.
Once they were untied, the Council asked me to drag Richie to the front of the room.
“Virginia,” Grandma began, “the Council apologizes for putting you and Romi through this. We were wrong. You may not know this, but in such situations, the Council has to allow you certain concessions.” She looked at Richie, bleeding and whining on the stage. “One of them being, you get to take him out as your reward.”
I looked at my cousin, then back at the Council. I couldn’t tell you how long I’d wanted to kill him. Especially since he’d been responsible for terrorizing my family. Hell, if it had gone according to his plan, Dak or Romi and possibly I would be dead. He didn’t deserve to live. I finally had the satisfaction of showing the family what an ass he was.
“What kind of concessions?” I asked the Council.
“Well, ahem,” Lou sputtered. “You get one demand of your choosing.”
I turned and looked at my brother, my cousins, my daughter and the love of my life.
“I don’t want anything to happen to Diego. I brought him here. And I plan to make him part of the family. You cannot punish him for being an outsider.”
Liv, Dak and Paris nodded and Romi flung her arms around Diego. I turned back to the Council.
“Richie, as much as I’ve always wanted to take you out, I’m going to refuse this particular concession. I really don’t want to do this anymore. The Council can take care of you. But I don’t want any part of it.” I gave him a right cross to the jaw. “And you didn’t save my life at the reunion.” He slumped to the floor, unconscious.
The members of the Council looked at each other in surprise. Our family had been so well-trained in the arts of “correcting” the black sheep, my refusal to kill Richie stunned them.
“Virginia.” Grandma spoke up again, nodding to the fellow Council members. “For your gesture and support, and the fact that you didn’t kill us, the Council grants you early retirement from the family business. Effective immediately.”
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I waited to react, just in case the others didn’t agree. To my surprise, they all nodded.
I turned and ran into Diego’s arms. He crushed me in his embrace, then pulled Romi up into a group hug. I couldn’t believe it! I was retired! Which meant I got the guy! Which meant everything would be okay! Whew! Good thing I didn’t shoot Richie dead!
The others joined us in a huge embrace and we laughed until we cried. Even some of the Council members smiled a little. I turned to Missi and gave her the thumbs-up. She was holding a gun on Richie with a blissed-out look on her face. So she was going to get the prize. That was great. She had certainly earned it.
It only took a few hours to call our jet to pick us up from the island to take us home. I spent the whole time in Diego’s arms with Romi on my lap. Dak found some Moet and Chandon White Star champagne on board and we all drank ourselves silly.
“Diego?” Romi asked solemnly.
He pulled her onto his lap. “What is it, princess?”
“Will you marry us?”
Diego looked from me to her, then kissed her on the cheek, “Of course I will. If your mum will have me, that is.”
“Oh, I’ll have you,” I whispered amongst the cheers of my family, “again, and again, and again.”
EPILOGUE
“
That was the best vacation ever! I love our family.
”
—
Dash,
The Incredibles
 
 
“Mrs. Bombay?” Kaitlyn looked up at me. “Is this right?”
“Pretty good.” I took her hand in mine and led her through the motions. “You need to release the knife a little bit later. That will help improve your aim.”
Kaitlyn did just as I asked and nailed the target, dead center. I was so proud of her.
“Girls!” Liv shouted. “Snack time!”
In seconds she was surrounded by ravenously hungry Daisies. While she doled out the cookies and milk, I pulled the knives out of the board that served as our target. After carefully wiping them off, I slid them back into their leather cases and stuck them on my belt.
Mom waved from the porch, and I walked over to take another tray of cookies to the girls. It was really sweet of her to let us use her yard.
Actually, the meetings had been going very well. There were no more incidents with pipe cleaners and glue. In fact, the girls had taken to their new training with a military precision that surprised me.
And while the Girl Scout Council (the only council I answer to these days—and much less lethal) thought they were too young for the archery training, throwing knives and using chemistry sets to make explosives, the Scouts were having one hell of a good time. I’m planning a trip next year to a survivalist camp. I think my Daisies will love it.
Vivian wasn’t saying much these days. Maybe because I came through with the Halloween cookies, or maybe because I had a new, hunky Australian husband. I’d like to think that it was because her daughter (in my troop) now knew how to make a simple car bomb using hair gel, a cell phone and ammonia. I guess it didn’t really matter why she avoided me, just that she kept doing it.
And you heard me right. Diego Jones became Diego Bombay. We had to work through some things once we got back, but we managed. Now that I’d retired, he felt he could accept the past and had long since forgiven me for whacking Turner. In fact, Diego retired too and we’re living a good life off Bombay blood money. So everyone wins.
Diego and I had a simple Justice of the Peace ceremony before Halloween and then he moved in officially. You might think our days were dull and quiet. What with taking Romi to school in the morning, coming back home and having sex until noon, taking a post-coital nap, picking up Romi, then doing family stuff until bedtime (when there’s more sex until we fall asleep). But so far, we aren’t bored yet. Poppy finally became housetrained—a major cause for celebration. Of course, the little slut spends all her time on Diego’s lap.
There were no plans to visit Santa Muerta in the near future, but we were going to Australia during the holidays to meet Diego’s family. As for my family, they held a more important place in my heart than ever. Liv and I were still training Romi and Alta (couldn’t get out of that one, unfortunately), and Grandma had sent each of her grandchildren an American Express Black Card with an unlimited line of credit and a private concierge in each city, as a form of apology. I was definitely not too proud to use it. I even had sent a nice thank-you note.
There were no secrets in my household anymore. I opened up the secret workshop and turned it into a room for all my knitting stuff. Of course, I still keep up on the family business. Romi will be joining it one day and I want to be on top of things. Oh, and I had Missi scan my body for hidden explosives, just to be sure.
I guess you could say that what began with an invitation to a family reunion of assassins ended with a new family of my own. A much happier ending, I think.
Of course, from time to time, my mind wandered to the safe in my new knitting room. Where, in case you’re wondering, I kept the photos. They might prove useful someday. With a family like the Bombays, I wasn’t ruling anything out.
LESLIE LANGTRY
grew up in the small town of DeWitt, Iowa, where her teachers wrote, “Leslie spends too much time daydreaming in class” on her report cards and kids wrote, “You are funny and really weird” in her yearbooks. For some idiotic reason, Leslie didn’t fulfill her dream of becoming a published author until much later. Instead, she lived and worked in Lynchburg, Virginia; Springfield, Illinois; Delmar/Clinton, Iowa; and Rock Island, Illinois. Now she lives in the Quad Cities with her family. She divides her time between writing, her most excellent critique group and her perfectly-behaved Girl Scout troop. Leslie is currently working on her next book. For more information, check out
www.leslielangtry.com
.

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