SCARS (3 page)

              “She has a day. Her pains. Her losses. I’m complicated and a lot of work, but I’m a really good friend. The kind that will go to bat for you when no one else will. You were alone on that bridge. You needed someone. Anyone to care. And I cared. I…didn’t want you to die.”

              He took my other hand and started rubbing my knuckles gently. It relaxed me and drew me in a hypnotic way. If he left now I didn’t want to think about what pit I would end up in.

              “What went down on that bridge has never gone down between me and another human being. I used to be this cut up. Live for the day kind of guy who had a very, very dark side. I’ve done some things. Illegal things. That you couldn’t possibly imagine. To get away from it I joined the service and realized rather quickly it was the exact wrong place to be. I fucked up and every other brother out there died but me. I should’ve died. Better men than I am died that day.”

              “I don’t judge people, James. Not for their pasts. Because it’s already been done. And not for their future because that’s yet to happen. People take advantage of that all time. But when I looked in your eyes last night I saw a lost soul…I saw myself ten years ago on the day I was in my GP’s office and he was telling me that Kevin had given me HIV. A month before I had walked in on him and his latest flame, a former friend mine. I went to the bridge and sat where you saw standing a first. I was too scared to do it. Ellen came looking for me. We sat there for a long time not saying anything. She stayed until I realized I wanted to fight. That I didn’t want to die.”

              “I’m glad you had her. I’m glad you showed up when you did. My soul isn’t worth a damn. There’s a risk to being in my life. I’m not always a nice man. I’m not a good man.”

              “How many lives have you ruined?”

              I look flashed in eyes. Countless I was sure of. Murderous maybe. Cruel even.

              “Maybe this was a mistake.”

              He went to pull away from me. I surprised myself when I held fast.

              “You want absolution. You want redemption. You want forgiveness.”

              The look in eyes was unmistakable. He desired all of these things and more.

              “This is crazy.”

              When he looked at me, my walls crumbled all over again. I was his beacon of hope. He was…temptation…he was my hope for a second chance at life.

              “Tell me you won’t hurt me.”

              “I can’t promise that.”

              “I don’t care.”

              There in the coffee shop, we sat there in silence gazing at one another. This slope was slippery. There was danger ahead to be sure. I could see it in the way he was looking at me.

              “Let me in, angel.”

              He didn’t have to ask. The door was standing wide open for him to come in. I took a breath. And there in the coffee shop his fingertips traced down my cheek and closed my eyes. Yes. I was going to fall. Hopelessly. Madly. Recklessly. I only hoped he was there to catch me when I did.

Chapter Four

              How long we sat in that coffee shop I’ll never know. I just know that if it was possible to lose your heart in the span of a few seconds that I had just done it.

              “What now?” I asked.

              “I’m not sure. I haven’t been in a stable relationship…ever.”

              “Fair enough.”

              I was trembling. Was this really happening? Was love happening? To me of all people?

              “C’mon. You shouldn’t walk home in this weather. Pack up your things.”

              “What if I want to stay and write?”

              “We will if you want. Do you want to?”

              My mouth was dry. Of course I didn’t. I loved to write. And I knew the idea was taking shape in my head. That I had found my muse. And that stories would soon be written. But at that exact moment I wanted to feel the warmth and heady rush that came with falling hard.

              “What do you want?” I asked.

              “I want you.”

              How long? How long had it been since I heard those words and knew that the man whispering them wasn’t lying to me. Or was going to take it back when he learned the truth?

              Slowly I packed my things and when I went to put on my coat he shook his head no and took it from me and helped me to slide it on. I zipped it up. I went to pick up my computer bag and he took it from me.

              “A gentleman carries his girlfriend’s bags.” I blushed. “I know I’m no gentleman, but you deserve one.”

              He held out his hand and I took it. When I did, he linked his fingers through mine.  In silence we walked out of the coffee shop. It was snowing again. As the flakes fell he helped me into his pick-up and slid the laptop into floorboard at my feet.

              He shut the door and I buckled up. 

              When he got in he did the same and looked down at his steering wheel. He then turned that intense blue gaze on me and I felt my senses come alive.

              “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

              “Are you ready to put the bottle down?”

              “Are you religious or something?”

              “No. Dad was a big drinker. Was constantly telling me how worthless I was. How big a disappointment I was. How much of an oinker or a whale that I was.”

              James stared at me with such sorrow I could feel the tears coming again. I turned away. He reached over my chin and turned it back.

              “Do you believe that’s why he did that?”

              I shook all over. “It only enhanced his cruel nature. Up until the day he died he was like that.”

              James’ expression hardened. “How did he die?”

              “A one car drunk driving accident. I was eighteen. He had blacked my eyes. Not for the first time. As I tried to intervene between him and Mom. He would’ve killed her if I hadn’t.”

              “I’m such an asshole.”

              It pained me to hear him take that view himself. “No you’re not,” I protested, my voice shaking. “You need help. You’re not an asshole.”

              “If that piece of shit were alive his death wouldn’t have been so quick and easy.”

              “He lingered in a coma for weeks. My mother still mourns him and her first husband. Calls them ‘good men’. When I told her I wouldn’t be at the funeral she stopped talking to me. Now when we pass each other it’s a painful reminder that I took that kind of abuse for years and she and Georgia just refuse to acknowledge it.”

              “You live in your parents’ old house, right?”

              “Yes. Mom’s in a nursing home. I visit her from time to time. She refuses to see to me. Calls me a cold, heartless, bitch.”

              James winced as I said these things.

              “Okay.”

              “Okay what?”

              “I’m dumping it.”

              “The alcohol.”

              “Knowing what I do now, what you did on that bridge is even more remarkable. Knowing that you’re willing to walk a risky road with me is amazing.”

              “No. You choosing me. You choosing to fight. You choosing life. That’s amazing.”

              “You…oh you. I’m going to make it my mission for each morning that you wake up you don’t ask yourself the question do I want to fight. That you say to yourself it may be hard but life is worth living.”

              He took my hand and kissed it.

              Then started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot.

              I didn’t ask where we were going. I didn’t have to. I was ready to accept his invitation into his life. Whatever that meant. Wherever it led. I was in. Even though I was scared it didn’t matter. I knew James would do everything in his power to be that soft place to fall.

              “What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asked.

              “Just thinking. Where are we going?”

              “My thinking place. It’s where I go when the booze ain’t working. The women won’t have me and I need to get away from the world.”

              “You live a pretty isolated existence as it is.”

              “This is different. You’ll see.” He paused then continued. “Not too isolated.”

              I smiled and blushed.

              The rest of the trip was made in silence. My mind running in a million different directions, going so fast that it was difficult to grasp how wonderful this might really be.

              Soon the city faded in the distance and were on the outskirts of town. I checked my phone for the time. I had to take meds before I went to bed. Keeping my HIV in check was key to allowing myself any real sense of joy or happiness.

              The landscape was hilly and snowy with trees dotting the way.

              There was a stark beauty to everything. Something that made me forget the flash of danger and allowed me to be enveloped by James’ rugged power. There was a still waters run deep quality to him that was undeniable. It was the same thing that had drawn me to him for the last few months.

              How many times had we shut the coffee shop down with our talks?

              About politics?

              About art?

              About film?

              About war and the nature of life and death? Of how it could be breathtaking and beautiful in one moment but cruel and capricious the next?

              He may not have understood why I walked out onto that bridge but I did. His life had value. With rare exception all manner of life had intrinsic value. Even those whom had treated me like an emotional punching bag.

              Although James wished to torture them I knew there was no point. Life was handing them their just desserts. Though Kevin was at death’s door he continued to live his life indiscriminately.

              James on the other hand had been at death’s door and when shown the light he came to it. I had opened my heart willingly and in no time he had stolen it away.

              We took a turn off the main drag and followed gravelly road through a clearing of tamaracs and stripped bare trees. What greeted us was a frozen over lake. He shut off his truck and for a minute we sat there in continued silence. Finally I turned to him and asked what had been eating at me all this time.

              “What do you see in me, James? What made you look in my eyes and walk off that bridge?”

              He kind of laughed to himself. This only served to enflame my insecurities. It made me want to scramble and re-erect the walls that I had been powerless to stop from crumbling the first time.

              Taking my hand he closed his eyes and pressed it to his cheek.

              I understood without him having to say it.

              It was simple. I was the right one to have come upon him. For two months we had been getting to know one another. Still, it was hard for me not to buy it the notion men wanted women who were unencumbered by their own emotional baggage. That I was expected to look like a swimsuit model.

              Kissing my hand he murmured. “Come with me.”

              We got out of the truck and stepped around to front and took one another’s hands. Walking to the edge of the water.

              “You ever heard of high risk, high reward?” he asked.

              “Yeah, that bridge. Grabbing your arm? High risk. High reward.”

              He took my other hand and brought it to his cheek. “You understand, it won’t be easy, you and I. I’m hard to know. Even harder to love. I’ll fight you at every turn.”

              “I don’t care.”

              “I know. For the life of me I can’t figure out why.”

              I knew I should run as fast as hard as I could away from this man. But I couldn’t. So I stood there daring him to love me.

              “You understand I’m just as hard to love?”

              “Why? Because you have a disease?”

              “That, and well, I’m…damaged.”

              He face lit up, “Don’t you know you’re speaking to the king of damaged? I wouldn’t have my queen be any other way.”

              Queen of the Damaged. I kinda liked that. I smiled back at him. It was one of those shy smiles I reserved for only those closest to me.

              “Tell me what went through your mind when I grabbed your arm on that bridge?”

              He pulled me close and went to whisper in my ear, but at the last moment he kissed me.