SCARS (6 page)

              “You’re a lovely, lovely man.”

              “You don’t know my past. You think you’ve seen the worst. But my life…I haven’t been such a choir boy. I’ve caused a lot of pain in my life. Sometimes I fear those ghosts won’t stay in the past. That anyone in my life might face might face someone’s payback for one of the many wrongs I’ve done in the past.”

              “In the O.A. we learn to take our inventory and make amends to those we have wronged.”

              “Trust me, the type of people I’m talking about are not the kind you go knockin’ on their door looking for forgiveness.”

              “You, oh you,” I said touching his face. “No matter what comes knocking on your door I’ll be right here, by your side to face it down with you.”

              “I don’t that part of my life to touch you.”

              “As long as you’re honest with me there’s nothing I’ll run away from.”

              “That’s a really tall order. There’s so much bad I find it hard to see what you seem to see without trying.”

              “I know true evil when I see it. And not true evil.”

              “Some of those ghosts and demons would disagree with you.”

              “You leave those kind of judgments to me.”

              His countenance darkened. His went cold. A shiver went up my spine. The evil that men did. I didn’t believe in Hell as a destination. I believed in Hell as a state of mind. And while I believed that James indeed had a heart of true darkness buried beneath the pain I was willing to risk it. There were things about me that he was unaware of, things even Ellen didn’t know. Things I dared not tell another soul. Some I had witnessed. Some I had participated in. Even some I had covered up. Yes I had a heart of darkness too. And truth be told while I wasn’t proud of these things, I wasn’t sure I’d do anything differently. My choices were just that. I had made amends to the people I thought were the ones who
deserved
my forgiveness. Some things you just never got over.

              He must’ve seen it too. James looked…confused.

              “We all have our secrets, angel,” he said. “Some are just darker than others.”

              I smiled and kissed him. He kissed me back. One day he would know all my secrets. But for now we didn’t need that kind of pressure on our relationship. I wanted to enjoy the early rush of falling madly, hopelessly, recklessly in love. Let the consequences be damned.             

Chapter Eight

              James and I drifted off to sleep in one another’s arms, exhausted from the morning events. As I slept, however, my biggest boogie man paid me a visit. As dreamt I did not find rest, I did not find peace. In my dreams, my darkest demons came out to play. In their viselike grip they were going to shake me to my core.

              Being a child and having the man who you love and fear violate those boundaries in such a grievous and violent was more than I could really bear as I child.

              I was back there. My hand on his genitals. I could feel skin and his excitement and I was frozen with fear. I was six years old and I could feel his body quivering. My skin crawled. I opened to my mouth to scream but no sound came out as he covered my mouth with his hand. I started to cry and the little six year old that I was died and her place one of many new versions of myself was born.

              He let out a long groan that turned in the familiar and haunting sound. A death rattle and gurgle. Suddenly I was fifteen and turned and I looked at my father. His throat was slashed open wide and I was covered in his blood. He then turned and looked at me. I sat up in the bed screaming in horror.

              I came back to reality with James holding me tight rocking me back and forth, murmuring, “I’m here, I’m here. Angel, I’m here.”

              Slowly I stopped screaming. My voice raw as trembled violently all over.

              He took my face in my hands and asked with such intensity it took my breath. “Who was hurting you?”

              How could I explain the answer wasn’t that simple? That the horrors that I dreamt were in part mine and those memories all stemmed from a man who was evil that I knew I wouldn’t have survived my teen years with him. Those secrets he spoke of. I had mine and they were not things you spoke of in mixed company.

              “It doesn’t matter.”

              “It doesn’t matter? You’re shaking like a leaf.”

              “Really I’m okay. It was just a bad dream.”

              “No angel, that was a full on night terror. You were screaming and begging for help. And no matter what I did I couldn’t wake you up. Please let me help me.”

              My blood was pounding so hard that I vibrated from the sensation. Finally the shaking dulled to a gentle tremor and I kissed and leaned into him. I took me in his embrace and silently stroked my hair. Leaning back into the couch we were both quiet.

              His touch was light and soothing, calming. I could hear his heart pounding against my ear. It was hard not to accept him comforting acts of passion. Especially when I knew behavior must’ve set so many triggers for him. He spoke of dark secrets and called me his angel. I feared if he really got to know me he would nothing to do with me. It wasn’t as if everyone had dead bodies in their past. But I did. And there was very little I could do about it. The world at large believe my father died in car accident. Only Georgia knew better. My guilt followed me then and it followed me now. I had lied to James about what had taken my father from me. In effect, by omission.

              There indeed had been a car crash. However, he had been still alive, if only barely. I had been in there car with him. I took a broken shard of glass and cut his throat. It had not be easy. Sawing through skin, tissue and tendon was arduous. I sliced my own hands open in the process and he screamed helplessly and horrifyingly until that awful death rattle and gurgle.

              The nightmares came infrequently and without warning. Ellen never knew quite to make of them. It was frustrating because she believed my father had simply disappeared into the night after the accident. What did you say to someone you loved dearly but still didn’t feel like you could share such an earth shattering secret with them?

              Honestly I couldn’t share that secret with anyone. James had intimated that he too had dark secrets. But were they as dark as mine?

              “Who was hurting you, Rayna?”

              “Let’s not talk about it.”

              He stopped stroking my hair and kissed the top of my head.

              “Holding it inside will only lead you to where I was a few nights ago and where we were this morning. Underneath the table at a restaurant unaware of anything but the war raging inside your head.”

              “Our relationship is three days old. Let’s not add any undue pressure on it.”

              “You’re sweet wanting to protect me but there really is no need to protect me from the darkness. I am the darkness. And as soon as you figure that out you’ll be running from me just as sure as you crossed that bridge to get to me.”

              “The car wreck. That’s not how my father died.”

              “No?” there was surprise in his voice, but it lacked the judgement that had dripped from Georgia’s when I’d told her.

              “There was a wreck. And he was hurt. But that’s not how he died. And he didn’t disappear into the night.”

              I could hear the blood pounding in my ears and I smell the car that night. The smoke. The gasoline. Feel the heat of the flames licking at my feet as took the glass in my hands. Tears came to my eyes.

              “You’re crying. There’s more to this story. Please I can bear the darkest secrets on my shoulders. You shouldn’t have do it alone.”

              “As we lay there in the car suspended upside down I knew if I was going to survive I was going to have to take action. So I took a piece of the broken glass and cut his throat open.”
              For a moment I held my breath. He didn’t. No matter what I said or did James would always seem non-plussed by what I’d done. As if none of it mattered and that the past was truly in the past. Of course I would come to know his secrets as well.

              “Okay.”

              In that moment I let my breath out. There was no judgement to be had in fact, there was almost…approval.

              “Okay?”

              “You were suffering. You were trapped. I would have done the same the thing.”

              A chill went up my spine. So many things I did not know or understand about James. But it made me wonder what had driven him to that bridge ready to take his own life. And why a woman like me would appeal to him in the way that I did.

              “Rayna,” he said tilting my chin up. “Not on your worst day will your secrets ever compare to mine.”

              Another chill. At the same time I was oddly comforted by his words. In his heart of darkness I was the one he wanted to protect. He wanted none of that to touch me. I knew I would know him like a book one day but one of my secrets was the only weight I wanted I wanted lay our relationship’s feet for that day.

              “I killed my father.”

              “I’m the guy your mother should’ve warned you about. As much as I should push you away I just want to wrap you up in my arms and lose myself in everything about you.”

              I blushed. I wasn’t used to being talked to like that. It wasn’t normal to me. Not even Kevin in our better days talked like that.

              “I embarrassed you,” James said with a smile playing on his lips.

              “Men don’t speak like that to me as a rule.”

              “As a rule I don’t talk to women like a lothario. I’m hard on relationships. The alcohol. The demons. My past. It all takes its toll on a woman. And a woman like you? I wonder how you will handle it in the long run. But for now I’m willing to be selfish. To take everything you’re willing to offer me.”

              “You’re not the only selfish one.”

              “Don’t kid yourself doll. I have a heart of stone.”

              “No you don’t. If you did I wouldn’t have found you on that bridge. I wouldn’t have followed you under the table. And my world would most certainly be a much darker place.”

              Brushed my hair back over my shoulder and looked at me with such intensity I had to force myself not to turn away.

              “I’m going to destroy you. I’m going to do everything in my power not to but that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I’m going to crush you and break your spirit and strip you of the brilliant light that makes you glow and draws me to you. God help me I’ll try to stop myself and I won’t be able to.”

              My heart broke for this man.

              So troubled and so shattered he was trying to push me away. But I wouldn’t allow it. I refused to let it happen.

              I took his face in my hands and spoke so softly he had to lean in to hear me.

              “My dear, sweet, dark angel, I see into that heart of darkness and all I see is pain. And pain can be excised and healed. I’m willing to take that journey with you if you’re willing to take that journey with me.”

              For a moment I couldn’t read his expression. His eyes shuttered and suddenly I knew he was choosing me. Maybe not the light. But he was choosing me.

              “Rayna. Now. Forever. Always. It will be anything you ask. If I can do it I will do it.”

              My heart split wide open and I found him right there waiting for me. He took me in his arms and kissed me. It was everything a kiss should be. Loving, tender and passionate.

              “Promise me you will never raise your hand to me.”

              I could see him faltering. A shiver came over me.

              “Okay, angel. Boys don’t hit girls. And I will never strike you.”

              I took a breath. Could I trust him? I was stepping out on faith. I could only hope he kept his word.

Chapter Nine

              I didn’t want to leave James. But it wasn’t as if I had come prepared to work. Nor had I brought my medication. I knew I could wait on the work but the medication could not.

              How long had I been in his comforting embrace? Five minutes? An hour? Five hours? It didn’t matter. It could have been five seconds or one hundred years. Time seemed to stop for me whenever I was with James. There was just this magic he seemed to weave like some kind of dark arts magician. He said had destroyed lives. Metaphorically alcohol addiction always did that. Hell, food addiction could do that. But when he said it I felt it in every fiber of my being.