Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) (18 page)

None whatsoever.

Seth

I tried not to check the clock for the hundredth time as I willed my eyes to stay shut. But my curiosity won out and I glanced at the nightstand and groaned when I saw it had only been five minutes since I had last checked the time. One a.m. More than twelve hours since Ronan had fucked me into near oblivion. And nearly just as long since he’d spoken to me.

We’d ended up kissing for a long time in the quiet bathroom but when the cooling come had become distracting, Ronan had slipped from my body and untied my hands. I’d hoped that he would kiss me again, but he’d quietly cleaned himself up, so I’d done the same and the silence continued as we’d gotten dressed. Once we’d returned to my office, the coolness had persisted and Ronan had actually left the office with an excuse that he needed to make a call and didn’t want to disturb me.

When I’d kissed Ronan after his declaration that he wouldn’t allow anyone to ever touch me the way Abernathy had, I’d known things might end up this way. I’d tried to prepare myself for it but it still hurt, especially as Ronan’s distance grew as the day went on. The drive home had been so rife with tension, that I hadn’t tried to draw Ronan out like I had on our previous commutes. And when we’d gotten home, he’d made an excuse about needing to relieve Hawke and I hadn’t seen him since.

Ronan had run again even though he hadn’t left the property.

As I flopped over to my other side so I was facing the glass doors that led out to the balcony, I heard my door click open. Since Bullet whined excitedly for a few moments before settling back down on the floor on the other side of the bed, I felt only excitement, not fear. And I realized that was how I’d felt a lot of the times these past few days since Ronan had moved back in. Besides the visit to the Mercer Island house, I hadn’t had that same sense of panic and anxiety that often overcame me as I made the drive down to the office or as I prepared to deal with the countless people I would have to interact with throughout the day. Even when I’d been in meetings that Ronan wasn’t permitted to attend, I hadn’t felt the same level of tension I was so used to.

I didn’t move as Ronan came around the bed. There was enough moonlight filtering through the glass doors that I could see him put something on the nightstand just before he sat down on the bed next to me. I had no doubt that he knew I was awake but instead of leaning down to kiss me, he just stared at me for a long time. I rolled onto my back and pushed the blanket down so my upper half was exposed and then I tugged my shirt up just a little. Ronan took me up on my invitation and spread his hand across my belly. I couldn’t make out his features but I didn’t really need to…I could feel what he wasn’t saying in his touch.

His palm traveled up my chest and dipped beneath my shirt to stroke my skin. I kept my hands fisted at my sides so I wouldn’t inadvertently end what was happening between us. As frantic as our coupling this afternoon had been, this seemed different. Ronan seemed different.

Ronan continued to explore me and when his hand shifted to push the blanket completely away from my body, I sat up just enough so I could pull my shirt off. My intent was to lie back down so he could continue to do what he wanted to me, but Ronan grabbed my arm and held me there, our bodies close but not quite touching. He held my gaze for a long time and then he leaned in and kissed me. It was slow and sweet and his tongue only teased my lips instead of surging between them. I couldn’t stop myself from twining my fingers through his hair as he tormented me with the drugging kisses. When he finally did take my mouth completely, I groaned and pressed against him. I barely managed to avoid wrapping my other arm around him, but it didn’t matter because he used his weight to press me down on the bed. His lips began burning a path down my neck and I barely managed to whisper, “My ties are in the closet,” before another moan escaped me.

Ronan leaned back just a little to study me and I cursed the fact that I couldn’t see his eyes. Not that it really would have mattered, since reading Ronan wasn’t an easy thing. It was only a few seconds that Ronan watched me for, but it felt like a lifetime before he settled his mouth back over mine. But instead of getting up like I thought he would to get a tie, he lowered his body until it was covering mine and I wanted to cry at how good it felt to have his weight on me again.

I didn’t like the feeling of Ronan’s shirt against my hot skin, so I threw caution to the wind and reached down to grab the hem. He let me drag it off of him but then his lips were crashing down on mine again. Joy went through me that maybe I was finally going to be able to touch him the way I wanted, but my hopes were quickly dashed when Ronan grabbed my hands with his and raised my arms so they were stretched above my head. He used one of his hands to hold both of mine down and then he took complete and utter control of me, my body…everything. His hand dipped into my sweats and began teasing my cock as I squirmed in his hold. The contact wasn’t enough because he was flicking the pad of his thumb back and forth across my slit before running it along the ridge of the flared head.

“Ronan,” I bit out between the kisses he tortured me with.

He didn’t answer with words, but he knew what I was asking because his hand closed around my cock and he began dragging up and down it without hesitation. His other hand still held me in place, so all I could do was twist and buck against him in an effort to get closer. His teeth nipped at my lips as he eased off the intense, deep kisses and then he was kissing anywhere he could reach that didn’t require him to let go of my hands. I could feel my orgasm starting to build so when Ronan released my dick, I let out a sharp, “No!”

But Ronan’s mouth swallowed down my protest and then he muttered, “Leave them there.” I knew what he meant, so when he released my hands, I didn’t move them. I watched Ronan get up and strip his own sweats off. I could see his cock hanging heavy between his legs and I wanted to taste it so badly that I actually licked my lips. Ronan groaned and I had no doubt he knew what I was thinking.

My pants were stripped off of me and I quickly separated and raised my legs in invitation. Ronan’s eyes stayed on me as he grabbed what I now realized was a bottle of lube from where he’d placed it on the nightstand earlier. I felt my mouth go dry at the sight of him stroking the thick liquid over his dick a few times and my hungry hole twitched in excitement. Ronan put some more lube on his fingers and then he was positioning himself between my legs. I wanted to tell him to hurry, but when all he did was coat my opening with some lube before placing the crown of his cock there, I wanted to shout out my happiness. Because even though there was more discomfort when he didn’t prepare me with his fingers first, I’d discovered this afternoon as he’d pushed into me while he’d taken me up against that door, that I loved the intense burn. But even more, I loved knowing Ronan couldn’t wait…that I’d stolen the control and patience he needed to get me ready.

And that in itself made me ready.

As Ronan began to press his thickness into me, I wished like hell my headboard was like the iron one in Ronan’s room because I needed something to hold onto as the fire in my body threatened to consume me.

“Don’t stop!” I shouted when I felt Ronan withdraw a tiny bit. But he pushed back into me just as quickly and I bit down on my lip when I felt my hole collapse and open fully to accept him. Ronan used his arms to bend my legs up and back in on myself and then he was leaning over me and taking my mouth. His hands sought out mine, but instead of holding them above my head, he drew them down so they were next to it and then he linked our fingers. His cock continued to work in and out of me in shallow thrusts and when he finally slid in as far as he could go, I let out a muffled cry of pleasure. With my legs pressed so high and close to my own body, it felt like Ronan was touching every part of me.

He held me like that as my body adjusted to his and then he began a slow, steady thrusting motion that nearly stole my breath. And he never once stopped kissing me. For the last two times that our coming together had been frantic and quick, I knew this time would be different. Ronan was making love to me in a way he hadn’t been before. Every move, every touch, every kiss was about more than just pleasure…it was his way of telling me the things he couldn’t say. We weren’t friends. We weren’t lovers. We weren’t two men bound by terrible circumstances. In that moment, we were connected in a way that only the two of us could be. Nothing existed beyond us. And while I knew it wouldn’t solve all the problems between us, I knew in that moment that he loved me. I also knew I was done being quiet.

“I love you so much, Ronan,” I managed to whisper against his lips. The words caused Ronan to still above me and inside of me and I didn’t need to see his eyes to know my declaration had caught him off guard. He didn’t say the words back and I hadn’t expected him to. What he did do was tighten his hands on mine just before he surged into me, his finesse gone. His mouth took mine without mercy and I gladly welcomed his weight as his body sank farther down onto mine. My ass felt like it was on fire as Ronan pistoned in and out of me and the tingling sensation in my limbs began to spread. Electricity shot up my spine when Ronan suddenly shifted just a little bit and struck my prostate. I let out a hoarse shout as the pleasure engulfed me and then he did it again. The orgasm washed over me in waves as Ronan nailed my gland over and over again and I felt my release scorch us both, as Ronan’s tight abdominal muscles grazed my sensitive cock with every powerful thrust.

I felt Ronan’s hands tighten on mine like a vise and he ripped his mouth from mine and clamped his teeth down on the spot between my neck and my shoulder as his climax hit him. Liquid heat burned my insides as he came and I let out a ragged moan as a series of quaking aftershocks rocked through my body. It seemed like Ronan’s orgasm went on forever before he finally settled and became like a dead weight on top of me. His cock pulsed inside me several times as his body jerked every now and then, and I could feel his sweat slickened skin burning mine wherever we were touching. My legs ached from the position he continued to hold me in but I didn’t actually want him to move. It took several minutes for my breathing to slow.

Ronan finally released his hold on my hands and shifted his arms so I could lower my legs. I wrapped them around his ass but kept my hands where they were because my gut was telling me that as amazing as what had just happened between us had been, it was exactly the thing that would send Ronan running again and even one wrong touch from me would bring that eventuality to head much sooner.

I guessed it was a good five minutes before Ronan moved and I couldn’t stifle a whimper as his cock pulled free of my sore body. As Ronan shifted, I felt his wet dick brush my thigh. The perverse need to taste him ran through me again, but I stayed where I was as Ronan moved until he was once again sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Stay here tonight,” I whispered desperately, and as I watched, his bent frame seemed to hunch in on itself. It wasn’t a good sign.

“You know I can’t,” he said softly and then he was reaching for his sweats and pulling them on. I sat up and flicked the light on the nightstand on. The muscles of Ronan’s back called to my hands as he leaned his elbows on his knees but I crossed my arms so I wouldn’t reach for him. I had no doubt it was my declaration of love that had him folding in on himself as if in pain.

“You let me touch you sometimes,” I finally said. As much as I hated needing to push him, I was feeling raw and vulnerable. I’d been certain only a few minutes ago that Ronan felt the way I did, but his sudden need to get away from me had me doubting myself.

Ronan ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s not about you,” he answered, his voice weary.

“Are you sure about that?” I asked. “Because I think it is.”

Ronan made a move to get up but I leaned forward and grabbed his arm. I settled my hand on the now rigid muscles of his abdomen.

“Is it when anyone tries to offer you comfort or just me?”

Ronan

My hands were shaking so hard that it took me three tries to get the door leading from the kitchen to the patio unlocked and open. The cool night air should have felt good against my skin but it didn’t. Nothing felt good. I didn’t even have the aftereffects of my mind-numbing orgasm to take the edge off, because every ounce of pleasure that had still been rolling through my body as I’d pulled free of Seth’s tight body had been obliterated when he’d touched me…and when he’d given voice to one of my darkest secrets.

A few of the men I’d tied up and fucked after Trace died had had the balls to tell me the reasons they suspected I wouldn’t let them touch me, but they’d all had the same train of thought…that it was a control thing. The men who worked for me hadn’t ever commented on my aversion and I doubted most of them had even noticed since their interest in me and mine in them was about the job and nothing more. Mace’s young lover, Jonas Davenport, was the only man I suspected who knew how deep my need to avoid physical contact was.

Except Seth.

But he’d seen what others hadn’t. And he was exactly the person I’d wanted to hide the weakness from most.

I love you so much, Ronan
.

Fuck, I couldn’t even deal with that yet.

I’d managed to stop by my room long enough to clean the proof of mine and Seth’s release from my body and drag on a pair of jeans, but I hadn’t thought to grab my gun because I’d been too rattled by what had happened with Seth. But I couldn’t risk running into him again so I hurried through the door and began striding across the patio.

“Running again?” I heard a voice off to my right say and I turned to see Hawke sitting on the single step that led from the study door to the patio.

I ignored the comment and asked, “What are you doing here?”

I hadn’t seen or heard from Hawke much since I’d moved back into Seth’s house other than to get reports and swap shifts with him so he could go back to his motel and rest while I did perimeter checks throughout the night. But his presence meant he likely suffered the same issues with sleep that I did. And considering the brutal way his wife had died, I wasn’t surprised. I’d seen what the monsters that’d taken her from him had done firsthand. Only, Hawke hadn’t had the pleasure of watching her murderers die like I had gotten to witness with Trace’s.

I’d relieved Hawke almost as soon as Seth and I had gotten home and I hadn’t expected him to return until morning. Of course, I hadn’t expected to find my way into Seth’s bed again just twelve hours after I’d slaked my need on him in his office.

“Figured you’d be preoccupied tonight,” Hawke said. There was enough light from the full moon to see the silver of his gun that he had resting in his hands.

My agitation overrode my common sense as I said, “That the only reason?”

I didn’t need to see Hawke’s eyes to feel his chilly gaze settle on me. “You really want to do this?” he asked coldly. “You’d rather pick a fight with me than be with him?” he said as he glanced up at the other side of the house where Seth’s bedroom was. It was far enough away that he wouldn’t hear us unless we started yelling. “To be loved like that twice in a lifetime, Ronan? Do you even know what a lucky son of a bitch you are?” Hawke asked with a shake of his head. “What the fuck are you so afraid of?”

“He doesn’t love me, Hawke. Not really. Fuck, he doesn’t even really know me!”

“And whose fault is that?”

I shook my head in frustration. “So what, I’m supposed to go back to being the good doctor? The man who saves lives instead of takes them? I’m supposed to pretend the last six years never happened?” I snapped. “I’m supposed to overlook the fact that he’s my dead fiancé’s little brother? That I’m the reason his brother is even dead in the first place?”

“If the fact that he was Trace’s brother really bothered you, you never would have touched him,” Hawke said, his voice irritatingly calm. “And if you want to keep playing the martyr and pretend what happened to Trace was your fault, then fine. But damn well leave him the fuck alone then,” Hawke bit out, his anger finally rumbling to the surface. “Because if you’d open your eyes for one goddamn second, you’d see that that man loves you in a way that all the shit from your past won’t change. Can you say the same thing about Trace?”

I was on Hawke before I could stop myself, but he easily sidestepped the blow I’d intended for him. He grabbed me and shoved me back against the side of the house and before I knew it, his forearm was pressed against my neck, threatening to cut off my air supply. Hawke held me there for a moment but never increased the pressure on my neck and despite knowing how lethal he was, I never felt a moment of true danger. He finally shoved away from me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

I managed a nod but I couldn’t get his last question out of me head.

Can you say the same thing about Trace?

“Can you hang out here for a bit?” I muttered as I rubbed at my throat. Hawke nodded and I pushed past him and began walking across the patio. I snapped out of my reverie long enough to notice the barking coming from inside the house and I turned to see Bullet pawing at the kitchen door. I sidetracked and opened it and then followed the dog down towards the beach. As I began crossing the lawn, I glanced up and saw Seth watching me from one of the windows in his room. Much like the day I’d arrived. And like that day, he turned away from me.

I ignored the urge to go back up to his room and lose myself in his body again and made my way down to the beach. The full moon cast the entire back yard in an eerie glow that matched my mood. I’d been itching for a fight with Hawke just so I wouldn’t have to feel any of the emotions Seth’s words had called forth, but now I was stuck with Hawke’s words instead.

I had no doubt that Trace had loved me but I’d always had a feeling that my love for him was just a little bit…more. There wasn’t one thing I could put my finger on that had made me feel that way. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t ever pressed me for details on my childhood. Maybe it had been that he’d never bottomed for me, even after I’d asked him to. He’d simply told me he didn’t do that, hadn’t ever done it with anyone and that was it. Conversation over. I hadn’t really cared that he’d relegated us to the roles we’d played in the relationship, but his flat out refusal to even consider letting me know him in that way had left me feeling like he didn’t completely trust me.

Not like Seth trusted me.

I came to a stop as the realization hit me. I was doing to Seth what Trace had done to me. I’d taken everything Seth had given me but all I’d given back was the pleasure my body could give his. I knew Hawke was right…Seth was all in. He’d meant the beautiful words he’d said to me, that he’d whispered against my lips as our breaths, our bodies, our souls had connected. I’d loved Trace but I couldn’t deny that what Seth and I had just shared had shattered me in a way that I’d never experienced with Trace.

Guilt rushed through me and I didn’t even make it to my log on the beach before I sank to my knees. A chill went through my bones but it wasn’t from the cold. I’d suffered after Trace had been taken from me but I’d lived. I’d survived. But I knew in my gut that I wouldn’t survive it if I lost Seth. I was in love with him. Plain and simple. And yet it wasn’t. I’d been in love with Trace, but with Seth…God, I lived and breathed for Seth.

Bullet pushed against my hands with his cold nose and I sank down on my ass as he practically crawled into my lap. I wrapped my arms around his big body and buried my face against his fur. I couldn’t help but wish it was Seth I had my arms wrapped around…that I could accept the comfort he’d been offering from the first time he’d followed me down to this very beach after our encounter in his bathroom. But I couldn’t have Seth that way. Not because I didn’t want him but because I knew Hawke was wrong about one thing – there was no way Seth could love me enough to overlook all the things I’d done since I let his big brother die.

* * *

I hadn’t expected Seth to wait for me the next morning like he usually did, especially since I’d overslept and was running ten minutes late. But he was sitting patiently at the kitchen table, the travel mug he’d bought from a coffee shop that we frequented on the way home from the office sitting in front of him. He looked as bad as I felt and I had no doubt he hadn’t fared much better than me in the sleep department.

“Would you mind driving today?” Seth asked as I reached his side. I wanted so badly to lean down and tip his head back for a kiss, that I actually fisted my hand behind my back in a desperate hope the move would somehow prevent me from grabbing him. I took the keys with my other hand.

“Sure,” I managed to say, though my voice sounded raspy.

I hadn’t returned to the house until almost four in the morning. I hadn’t seen Hawke but I’d known he was around somewhere. I’d glanced up at Seth’s window as if expecting him to be standing there waiting for my return. He hadn’t been.

It wasn’t until we were on the ferry that I finally broached a subject I’d needed to speak with Seth about, but that I’d put off after the awkwardness that had occurred after I’d fucked him in his office bathroom the day before.

“I’d like to come to New York with you,” I said, though I kept my eyes on the approaching mainland. Seth and I were standing in our usual spot on the upper level of the ferry.

“Okay.”

It was the answer I’d wanted but the tone in his voice made my heart sink. Dejected, dull…lifeless.

I’d done that to him. He’d done nothing but give and I’d shit all over that because I was too much of a fucking coward not to give him back what he deserved.

“You told Dr. White it was a chartered jet.”

Seth nodded. “Stan knew I wouldn’t be comfortable on a commercial flight so he suggested it. He said we could take it as a business expense but I’m going to pay for it myself. Stan’s flying out a couple days earlier…he’s got family out there.”

We were both silent for a while. I hated that Seth wouldn’t look at me. I hated that he wasn’t the same Seth he’d been just twenty-four hours ago. Laughing, joking, making fun of the fact that he kept kicking my ass at Tetris.

“Seth, about last night-”

“You don’t have to explain, Ronan. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard.”

“Seth…”

“Please, Ronan, don’t. Okay?” Seth whispered, his voice thick with what I suspected were unshed tears. “Just don’t.”

I forced the knot in my throat down with a hard swallow as I watched Seth turn away from me and head for the stairway that led to the lower level where the cars were. I waited a few minutes and then followed. I didn’t speak to him again and once we arrived at his office, I used an empty cubicle nearby to check my email and make a decision on which security firm to go with. When I went to Seth’s office to check on what he wanted to do for lunch, his assistant informed me that he was meeting with Stan and that he wouldn’t be available for the rest of the afternoon.

I busied myself with looking at the latest information Daisy had sent me, but for the first time that I could remember, I struggled with making any decisions about how to move forward with the case she had outlined. It was as straightforward as they came. The man had been accused of killing two little girls after abducting them from their homes in the dead of night. He’d escaped prosecution on the first case because the witness lineup had been tainted by an overzealous detective. He’d been convicted of the second murder, but had escaped from custody while being transferred to prison. Daisy had managed to find him after pictures of him and one of the victims surfaced on the Deep Web – the arrogant fucker had posted the pictures himself in a private chat room for pedophiles that Daisy had hacked. She’d then used the IP address to find his location. Ironically, he was less than an hour’s drive from Whidbey Island, which meant I was the closest operative besides Hawke to take him out. I knew what needed to happen but what was bothering me was the fact that I didn’t want to do it myself. Not because the idea of killing the fucker bothered me in any way…no, my reasoning was much more personal than that.

“You ready to go?”

Seth’s voice startled me. I glanced at the clock on my laptop and saw it was well past the time we normally left the office. I nodded and shut my computer down.

As we made our way to the elevator, I debated whether I should try talking to Seth again about the night before, but he made the decision for me when he stepped onto the elevator car behind me and promptly moved as far away from me as he could get. My stomach sank when I realized that would be his reaction if and when he found out what I did for a living these days.

I followed Seth off the elevator but nearly slammed into him when he stopped suddenly in front of me. I immediately looked around to see what had frozen him in place, at the same time that I stepped around him to shield him. My gun was drawn by the time I searched out what he’d been looking at. Seth’s car sat exactly where we’d left it, but all four tires were flat and even from where we stood, I could clearly make out the words spray painted in red along the side of the car.

Cocksucker
.

I searched the rest of the garage for any signs of life but there was no one. I knew whoever had vandalized the car couldn’t have done it long ago or someone would have reported it by now. I took Seth’s hand in mine as I approached the car and tested the paint. Sure enough, it was still wet.