Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) (21 page)

Natalie’s eyes lit up just a little bit at that and she turned to look at Jonas. He brushed his fingers over her cheek. “Do you want to hear a secret about Ronan?”

The girl glanced at me and then nodded.

“He’s a real life superhero,” he whispered. I would have thought he was just saying the words to ease Natalie’s uneasiness, but when he glanced up at me, I saw something I hadn’t expected.

Not fear, not confusion as to why I was there. Just…happiness. No, that couldn’t be right. He couldn’t be glad to see me. He didn’t even like me.

“Do you want to ask Ronan to help us hang your artwork?”

Natalie gave him a nod and I held my breath as she came right up to me and took my hand in hers. The feel of her tiny hand in mine, the cautious trust in her eyes, had a whole host of emotions churning through me.

I let Natalie lead me from the studio and followed her around one of the brick walls in the middle of the room. We ended up on the far side of the gallery near the window. There was an empty spot on the wall with a waiting nail. I expected Natalie to release me but she held on to me and when Jonas handed her the picture, she finally let go of my hand. But then she held both her arms up expectantly and even I knew what she wanted. I lifted her up and settled her on my hip and then stepped closer to the wall and helped her position the picture above the nail. She slowly lowered it until the string behind it caught and the picture stayed put.

“Good?” I asked.

Natalie studied the picture for a moment and then reached out to straighten it just the tiniest bit. She finally nodded and I set her back on her feet. I hadn’t missed the fact that she hadn’t said a word from the time I’d walked into the studio.

“Oh, Jonas, I am so sorry I’m late,” I heard a woman say as she hurried through the front door. She had the same mousy brown hair as Natalie and she was wearing what looked like some kind of waitressing uniform.

“It’s no problem, Sara,” Jonas said as he accepted a hug from the woman. “We were just hanging up Natalie’s art from today.”

“Oh, honey, did you do that?” the woman gushed as she leaned down and hugged the little girl and then picked her up and moved closer to the painting so she could get a better look. To my surprise, tears welled up in the woman’s eyes as she cast a glance at Jonas. “Oh, baby, it is so beautiful,” Sara whispered as she hugged the little girl to her. The picture itself looked like many of the others and from what I could tell, it was a little girl’s bedroom. There were two people on the bed, the larger one sitting on top of the covers, the smaller one beneath them. Both had lots of brown hair and the larger one was holding open a book.

“Natalie has already promised to let me keep this one on permanent display right here,” Jonas said as he motioned to the picture. He focused his attention on Natalie. “You’re going to make another one for your Aunt Sara next week, right?”

Natalie nodded and that earned her another hug from the emotional woman. “Okay, we should get going so we can stop at the store and get something for dinner. You ready?” Sara asked the little girl.

Natalie nodded and Sara put her down. The little girl immediately went to Jonas who dropped down and wrapped his arms around her. “See you next week, okay?”

Natalie nodded. To my surprise, she came up to me next and waited expectantly. I knelt down and tried not to react as she put her skinny arms around my shoulders. But I couldn’t stop myself from putting my arms around her. Her thin body felt tiny and I released her the second she loosened her hold on me.

“It’s a really good picture, Natalie,” I said. The smile she gave me was like a punch to the gut and I was glad when she finally took her aunt’s hand and followed her from the gallery.

“Thanks for that,” Jonas said as he waved to the little girl as she walked past the window. “It’s not easy for her to trust new people,” he said sadly.

“What happened to her?”

“Her parents abused her pretty badly. Kept her locked in a basement for almost a year. They…they made her sleep in a fucking dog cage,” Jonas muttered. The hatred in his voice was as unexpected as the swear word that crossed his lips. I’d known the instant I’d met Jonas in person that he was a gentle soul…luckily, something Mace had seen before he’d pulled the trigger.

“That’s all she used to paint,” he added.

“What?” I asked, not understanding what he meant.

“The dog cage. I give the kids a subject to paint about each week. You know, your family, your pet, your house…Natalie always painted a dog cage. Until today.”

It took a lot to get a physical reaction out of me, but just the thought of the suffering the little girl had gone through…

“What was today’s topic?”

“Your favorite part of the day.”

Jonas gave the picture another glance and then began walking back towards the studio. “Her parents?” I asked.

“In prison. Turns out she wasn’t their only kid…the other one wasn’t so lucky. Sara had no idea her sister and brother-in-law had even had kids until the cops contacted her.”

Once we reached the studio, Jonas began cleaning up all the various supplies. “We’ve been worried about you,” he said, sending me a quick glance.

My first reaction was to ask why, but then I remembered Mace’s comment about them seeing me as family.

“Mace tried to call you a couple times over the past few months just to make sure you were okay.”

I actually felt guilty at that. “I thought he’d want a clean break…I thought you’d all want that.”

“I guess the things I said to you didn’t help with that,” Jonas said with a sigh.

“Jonas-”

“I was wrong to judge you like I did. I let my fear for Mace cloud my thinking and I took it out on you. If you hadn’t done what you did for him, for me, for all of us…” Jonas just shook his head as if the rest was too painful to even voice.

“You asked me a question in the hospital that day, do you remember?”

Jonas put down the paint tray he’d been cleaning up and nodded. “You said having an outlet for your hate worked for you and I asked if that were really true.”

“I didn’t see it then,” I admitted. “I thought I’d fixed what was broken inside of me but all I did was bury it so deep that it couldn’t touch me anymore. I became someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who didn’t feel, didn’t care, didn’t love or hate.”

I sucked in a deep breath and forced myself to continue, but I had to drop my eyes to do it. “And I’m terrified that even if I can find a way to going back to who I was, what if I’m still so broken that even he can’t fix me?”

“Is
he
the guy Mace and Cole are helping you protect?”

I nodded. It didn’t surprise me that Jonas knew about Seth. I doubted the three men kept any secrets from each other. Not like I’d been keeping from Seth…that I was still keeping.

“Do you love him?”

I nodded again, not sure why it was so hard to say yes out loud.

“Does he love you?”

“He says he does.”

“You don’t believe him?” Jonas asked gently.

I shook my head. “I believe him, but he loves a version of me that doesn’t exist.”

“He doesn’t know about what you do,” Jonas said in understanding.

Humiliation coursed through me. I felt raw and exposed and weak and I fucking hated it. The need to escape was overwhelming. “You know what, I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have bothered you with this.”

I turned to go but Jonas easily caught up to me and stepped in my path. He didn’t touch me which I was glad for. His touch wouldn’t be devastating like Seth’s, but I still didn’t want it…especially now.

“Ask me, Ronan,” Jonas said softly. “Ask me what you came here to ask me.”

I shook my head but didn’t move. When I finally lifted my eyes, I saw no judgement or ridicule in the young man’s eyes. I drew in a deep breath and forced the words from my lips. “When you knew what he did, did it change how you felt about him? Even just a little?”

“No,” Jonas said without hesitation. “No,” he repeated firmly. No explanation. No reasoning. Nothing beyond the truth of that one powerful word.

I managed a nod. It was the answer I’d been expecting but it was the conviction with which he said it that had a glimmer of hope sparking deep inside of me.

“What’s his name?”

“Seth.”

I dropped my eyes again and realized I was tapping my fingers together. I bit back a curse and clenched my hand into a fist.

“Will you bring Seth to dinner tonight so we can meet him?”

I should have said no because I doubted Seth would want to go and I was feeling too much like an exposed nerve to deal with anything besides the anxiety of needing to find a way to tell Seth the truth…about everything. But then I remembered Mace’s words about family and I realized that family was something Seth and I both desperately needed more of. At worst, Seth and Jonas were close enough in age that maybe they’d hit it off enough that Seth would have someone to talk to if he decided to send me packing.

“He has a dog-” I began to say.

Jonas laughed. “He’s more than welcome. But just a word of warning…Casey kind of talked us into taking in a few foster animals.”

I chuckled. Casey was Jonas’s best friend and I knew from the research I’d done on Jonas after discovering Benny’s failed hit, that the young woman and Jonas had run an animal shelter for years and that Casey Prescott continued to take in unwanted animals. The huge house she and her husband owned in the Hamptons had been turned into an unofficial sanctuary. It was no surprise that Jonas and his men had been sucked into the fold.

“I’ll ask him,” I finally said.

Jonas smiled brightly and stepped out of my way. “See you tonight.”

I nodded and walked past him.

“Hey, Ronan?”

I stopped and glanced over my shoulder at him.

“Welcome back,” he said with a smile. I studied him for another moment and then gave him a quick nod before I turned and left the gallery.

Seth

I was numb by the time Ronan and I arrived back at the hotel after dinner at Jonas, Mace and Cole’s townhouse in Brooklyn. I’d actually had a really good time getting to know Ronan’s friends, despite my initial reservations about accepting the invitation. Before Ronan had left earlier in the day, he’d introduced me to Mace, but I hadn’t actually spoken to the scary looking, tattooed giant of a man. I hadn’t done much of anything since the night before when I’d begged Ronan to let me go. My request should have freed me to focus on the future.

It hadn’t.

Because even in the years after Ronan had left me, deep down I’d believed he’d come back to me someday. He’d see that I could be what he needed.

But any hope I had left was gone. Especially after tonight.

The dinner itself had gone well and while Ronan had seemed tense at first, he’d relaxed enough to participate in the conversation here and there. It was my curiosity at seeing Ronan around people he seemed to knew pretty well that had me agreeing to go when he’d asked earlier in the day. Jonas, Mace and Cole had been welcoming, but it was seeing the three of them together that had me aching for something I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t have thought it possible for three men to be together in a relationship, but after having seen it for myself, I knew it worked for them.

While I guessed that Jonas wasn’t much older than me, he’d taken me under his wing and by the time the evening was over, he’d given me his phone number and had programmed mine into his cell phone with the invitation to call or text if I ever needed anything or just wanted to talk. Then he’d wrapped his arms around me as Ronan had said his goodbyes to Mace. Mace and Cole had then kissed each other goodbye since Cole was coming back to the hotel with us. I’d been in the process of getting a goodbye hug from Mace when I saw Jonas say something quietly to Ronan and then wrap his arms around him. At that point, I’d felt the last little bit of my heart shatter into a million pieces. I’d managed to keep it together as Cole and Jonas kissed goodbye before we made our way down to the car, but I’d made sure to keep Bullet between me and Ronan on the back seat of the limo.

“You okay?” I heard Ronan ask as he closed the door behind us. I didn’t see Cole so I could only assume he’d stayed in the hallway to keep a lookout for anything unusual.

“I’m fine,” I murmured.

“Seth-”

Ronan’s hand closed over my arm as he said my name, but any patience I had left fled.

“Don’t touch me,” I snapped as I yanked my arm away from him.

“Seth, what-”

“I want you to leave, Ronan. Now!”

Ronan was clearly confused, but I didn’t give a shit and I turned my back to him and stormed to my room. I had barely closed the doors behind me before they were flung open again.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ronan asked angrily.

“You! You’re what’s wrong with me. Take your shit and get out. I’ll hire a fucking battalion to watch out for me if it means I never have to see you again.”

I could feel my anger giving way to crushing devastation and I wrapped an arm around myself to try to prevent the chill that was taking over my body.

Ronan took a step forward and I shook my head violently. “Get out!”

But my words had no effect on Ronan and he grabbed me by the arms before I could escape him. “Don’t!” I cried, but it came out as a pathetic whimper.

“Seth, please,” Ronan suddenly whispered, his voice sounding low and anguished. He tried to wrap his arms around me but I desperately lashed out at him. “Talk to me,” Ronan pleaded. I knew tears were coursing down my cheeks, but I was too far gone too care.

“He hugged you,” I managed to get out. “You let him hug you.”

“Who? Jonas?” Ronan asked in surprise. “It didn’t mean anything.”

“Yes it did.”

“No, Seth, I swear. He loves Mace and Cole.”

Frustration surged through me and I shoved away from him. “You let him touch you, Ronan. And you damn well know I don’t mean sexually.”

I saw the moment Ronan finally understood what I was saying because he went pale and stepped back.

“One innocent kiss and you leave me for three fucking years,” I yelled. “Then you come back and your only rule is that I can’t touch you! And I followed it because I just wanted to be with you in any way that I could. One hug, Ronan. One fucking hug,” I whispered brokenly. “You couldn’t even give me that.”

Ronan hadn’t moved during my tirade and the blank expression on his face just hurt me more. “Get out,” I said again and to my surprise, Ronan finally did it. I sank down on the bed and Bullet automatically came over and nudged my hands which were shaking violently. I used my sleeves to wipe at the trail of tears on my cheeks and tried to get my breathing under control. But I jerked upright when I heard a muffled shout and then a thud. I waited and heard what sounded like glass breaking. I hurried across the living room towards Ronan’s room as more crashing noises resounded from the room. At the same time, Cole used his keycard to open the door.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

I couldn’t speak because my heart was in my throat. I reached for Ronan’s door but Cole got between me and it and pulled a gun from the back waistband of his pants before turning the knob. Panic shot through me when it didn’t open, but I didn’t even get a chance to say anything because Cole threw his weight against the door, causing it to crash open. As Cole was scanning the room for a potential intruder, I gasped at the damage. The lamp from one of the nightstands had been thrown against the wall, shattering the delicate glass base. Ronan’s suitcase and the small table it had been sitting on were over turned and I could see that all the little decorative knickknacks on the dresser and small writing table were tossed onto the floor. I went around the bed and let out a muffled cry at the sight of Ronan sitting on the floor, his back to the wall and blood dripping down his hand. The remnants of the broken mirror that used to hang on the closet door were spread all over the place.

“Ronan,” I said gently as I dropped to my knees in front of him.

Tears were coursing down his face and he was shaking his head back and forth.

“Here,” Cole said from behind me and he handed me a towel from the bathroom. I placed it over Ronan’s palm and applied pressure.

The room phone rang and Cole went to answer it. I kept my eyes on Ronan as Cole said, “Yeah, sorry about that. We were moving a couple of heavy suitcases around and a couple of them fell and knocked over a lamp. Please tell the people downstairs we’re sorry about the noise.”

Cole came back around the bed a minute later with a first aid kit in his hand. “Found this in the bathroom. There’s probably not much in it.”

I nodded and took it. “Can you give us a few minutes?” I asked.

Cole nodded in understanding. “I’ll be out front if you need me.”

“Ronan, can you stand up?” I asked. His silence was scaring the shit out of me…even more so than what he’d done to the room. He didn’t answer me and I wondered if he even realized I was there. “Ronan, baby, please look at me.”

Ronan’s eyes finally shifted to me. “I didn’t want to lose you,” he whispered. “But I knew you wouldn’t want me after I told you the truth.”

I steeled myself because I knew in my gut what he was talking about. It was a subject I’d had to push from my mind over and over in the weeks following my conversation with Hawke.

Ronan is the one who needs you now
.

“Ronan, look at me,” I ordered gently. I waited until his focus was on me. “Nothing you tell me will ever change how I feel about you.”

Ronan began shaking his head so I reached out to grab his chin gently with my hand. I was relieved when he didn’t pull away from me. I leaned in and brushed my lips over his. “I love you so much, Ronan. That won’t ever change.”

He managed a shaky nod.

“Baby, there’s a lot of broken glass around you. Can you stand up and sit on the bed so I can look at your hand?”

Ronan nodded and I kept the pressure on his hand as I helped him stand. We were both still wearing shoes so I didn’t have to worry about his or my feet getting cut. I walked him around to the opposite side of the bed and sat him down. He hadn’t destroyed the lamp on that side so I turned it on and carefully removed the towel. The bleeding had already slowed and I was glad to see the cut didn’t look too deep. I didn’t see any glass in it but I asked, “Does it feel like there’s any glass in the cut?”

“No, it’s okay. Just wrap it to stop the bleeding.”

I hated how dull and lifeless Ronan sounded, but I did as he said and cleaned and dressed the wound as best I could.

“Do you want to lie down while we talk?” I asked.

Ronan shook his head. “No, I need…I need to be facing you.”

I hated that he felt like he needed to treat what he had to say to me like a confession, but it was also a telling sign. Not only was whatever he was carrying inside of him about Trace’s death really bad, he was also suffering from a heavy dose of guilt. I dragged a decorative armchair from the corner of the room and set it right in front of him where he was sitting on the bed. I sat down and took his hands in mine. I stifled the twinge of pain I felt as he pulled his hands free and settled them on his lap.

“I never wanted you to find out what really happened that night,” he began, his voice breaking. “He wouldn’t have wanted you to know what they did to him…he wouldn’t have wanted you to have to live with it.”

I swallowed hard. As much as I’d tried to prepare myself for this moment, I knew that such a thing really wasn’t possible.

“There was this spot on the outskirts of the base. It was where the equipment that needed to be repaired was kept. At night it was pretty isolated so Trace and I used to meet up there when we wanted to be together.”

“The army didn’t know you two were together?”

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was still in effect back then. We both would have been discharged if they’d found out we were gay. Trace didn’t want to meet up that night because he was worried some of the guys in his unit had started to become suspicious, but I wanted to see him because we hadn’t had a chance to be together since he’d proposed to me a week earlier.”

Ronan used the back of his bandaged hand to wipe at his face. “Neither one of us heard them sneak up on us. There were five of them.”

My heart sank as I realized what was coming.

“Two of them grabbed me. Trace was holding his own against the other three, but he gave up when one of the guys put a gun to my head…I was so scared that I didn’t do anything. I didn’t fight back, nothing.”

“Ronan-”

“Don’t, please. I have to get this out now or I never will.”

I nodded.

“They started beating him and he let them. I begged them to stop but they just kept kicking and hitting him until he stopped moving. I thought the whole thing was over but then they came after me. But they only hit me a few times. Then one of them pulled out a knife.”

I stifled a moan as I remembered the cuts on Ronan’s chest.

“He could barely talk but he kept trying to goad them so they’d go after him again.”

“He loved you, Ronan. He would have done anything to protect you.”

Ronan managed a nod. “It seemed to go on forever. Every time I thought it was over, they just tried something new. But then this one guy…the leader, he kept asking Trace how he liked taking it up the ass. And then he asked him if he’d take anything up the ass.”

Ronan began sobbing and I pushed back from the chair and dropped to my knees in front of him and gently grabbed both his hands and dragged them to my chest and held them there.

“They raped him with a fucking pipe,” he let out with a hoarse cry. I could feel my own hot tears streaking down my face and dripping beneath the collar of my shirt, but I ignored them and pushed to my feet. I sat down next to Ronan and dragged him up against my chest.

“I’m so sorry, Seth! I couldn’t stop them! I couldn’t save him.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered as I dropped my lips to his head and just held him as tight as I could. His tears soaked through my shirt as he wrapped his arms around my middle and let out heart wrenching sobs. It took several minutes for him to quiet enough so that I could be sure he heard me when I said, “Tell me the rest.”

He shook his head violently against me. I leaned down and skimmed my lips over his forehead. “I need to bear this burden with you, Ronan.”

Several long seconds passed before he started speaking again. “Trace stopped moving after that, but he wasn’t gone yet. They…they made him watch.”

I felt like my insides were being ripped out with every word that fell from Ronan’s lips. “He had to watch them do the same thing to you,” I whispered.

Ronan nodded against my chest. “I kept wishing for it…death. For him, for me. After a while, I didn’t feel anything anymore and I thought I was dead. I could see both of us lying like broken dolls in the sand. I saw the man who’d hurt Trace leaning over me, holding me down. I could hear his buddies laughing. I saw my body jerking and the blood pooling beneath me as the man who’d cut me used the pipe on me. I saw Trace’s outstretched hand reaching towards mine. Close but not close enough to touch. And then it was over and they were gone and I knew he was gone too. Then death finally came for me too.”