Safewords: Davenport and Chiffon (16 page)

Dana shook her head. “No, I was in a wreck Monday, got out of the hospital yesterday morning. Sometimes stress pulls people together, but in this case it pushed us apart."

She didn't look up as she smoothed the rough spots with the lava stone. “Guy dumps you when you're down, you didn't need him anyway."

Frustrated at being compelled to talk about it, but feeling like she needed to defend him, she sighed and said, “His wife passed away a few years ago, and when the police officer showed up asking about me, he thought he'd lost me, too. He stayed by my side in the hospital, but once we got home he admitted he couldn't handle a relationship. He didn't ask me to leave, but I didn't want him taking care of me only because he felt obligated. Seemed the least painful to just go, instead of us looking at each other knowing it was over."

"That's tough. Do you think he'll change his mind? Maybe you leaving will make him see how stupid he's being. Doesn't make a lot of sense to dump you to keep from losing you, does it?"

She laughed, not realizing how bitter it would sound until it was out of her mouth. “Unfortunately, the heart's not exactly logical."

When she called Brent a few hours later he answered on the first ring. “Dana dear, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay. I pretty much slept all day yesterday, woke up long enough to eat, and crashed for the night. I've set a meeting with clients tomorrow morning; it's time for me to return to work."

"Are you sure you're up to it? You've taken four days; one more will mean an extra three to get your strength back."

"I've got enough stamina for a few productive hours. My knee's much better, that's the important part. My left hand and shoulder are bothering me worse than my knee, but I doubt I'll have to use them. I need to get onto a schedule; if I stay busy I don't have to think about... him."

"Tell me why you left him?"

Dana sighed. She'd known he'd want to talk about it, but had foolishly hoped he wouldn't ask. “I tried to submit to him and he backed away from me. He apologized, said it was a mistake, that he thought he had his shit together but was wrong. Said he understood why I needed space, because now he had to be alone to sort through things.” She felt tears forming and took a breath to steady herself, refusing to cry. “I considered settling into another bedroom until I could get moved out, but I couldn't stay, knowing he didn't want me anymore."

Brent breathed out a sad sigh. “This is all a big fucked-up mess. He says he worked in his shop a few hours while he thought it through, realized he was willing to take whatever chances it meant with his heart in order to have you in his life, but you were gone when he went back upstairs."

She wanted to lash out and hit someone, but held her temper and spoke calmly. “That's not what he said. If he'd told me he needed a couple of hours I'd have given them to him. Hell, even if he'd let me know he needed a few
days
. Maybe he changed his mind while he was thinking, but he can't erase the fact he said my being there was a
mistake
. And nothing can cancel out the look on his face when I tried to submit to him.” Her voice broke as she said, “He rejected me. He walked away from me when I...” She stopped to gain control of her emotions—Zach wasn't worthy of her tears, dammit.

"I can only imagine the pain you must have felt at those words. You need to talk to
him
about it though. I've told you what he said, that's all I can do. You know I adore you. I'm putting Jacob on now."

Jacob skipped hello and went straight to, “Tell me where you are and I can be there in a few hours. Brent busted ass to get the shoot wrapped up this afternoon, so I have nothing pressing on my schedule until a week from today. He says I can come to you, and he'll meet up with us over the weekend. He has to handle post production crap tomorrow, or we could both come tonight."

Dana started to reflexively say no, but stopped herself. “I need to talk to Brent again before I can answer."

She heard, “Yes, Ma'am", and then Brent's voice returned. “What can I do for you, dear?"

"You and Zach have become friends. Will it put you in a tough place to know where I am and not tell him?"

"Why are you hiding from him?"

"I'm not ready to face him yet. I'll have to next week when my things are moved out, but I'm not strong enough to do it now without crying, and he doesn't get to see my tears."

"What if I can get him to agree to meet you somewhere public? Jacob can come to you tonight, and you'll talk to Zach in the park by your condo at, say, five tomorrow evening? Jacob'll be there for moral support, though I think you should step away, so he's not part of your conversation with Zach."

"I'm sorry you feel like you're in the middle."

"Dear, if I were sure it was over between the two of you I'd gladly tell him I knew where you were and had no intention of informing him; but I believe you'll work this out. I want the four of us to continue to be close, but if I clearly side with you, it could drive a wedge between us. I'd like to play the role of mediator, if possible, and tell him I've arranged a meeting between the two of you for five o'clock tomorrow evening."

She sighed, realizing Brent was right, and she needed to talk to him. “You can tell him I'm considering it."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Thank you. Will you let Jacob come to you tonight?"

"He knows there won't be any sex, right?"

"Shall I send him in the jailbird?"

"No, don't do that to him, please. I'm too banged up, physically and emotionally, to be interested, but I don't want him locked away from me, either. I know it's your choice, I know what he means to you, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your sharing him with me. Can I talk to him again, please?"

He chuckled. “Sorry, his bags were packed and I've already sent him out the door. If you desire, you can let him have one orgasm tonight, on your command. He'll need a code word—tell him Rumpelstiltskin. Now, please tell me where you're staying, and I'll say goodbye so you can call his cellphone and let him know."

Dana took a deep breath and told him.

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She met Jacob in the lobby, since the elevators required a key card. He gave her a brief hug downstairs, but waited until they were in the privacy of her room before pulling her into his embrace, letting her feel the warm strength of his body wrapping around her.

"I can tell you're still favoring your left arm. I brought Brent's magical bruise cream, if you'll allow me to massage it in?"

"Sure. I ordered room service; it should be here in about ten minutes."

Conversation was never a problem with Jacob, and dinner was over before she knew it. He put everything on the tray and set it on the table near the door, and as he walked back she knew she wouldn't like whatever he was about to say.

He dropped to his knees in an impeccable submissive posture and his gaze met hers—determined, but she could see anxiety under the surface. “You have an email from Zach, subject line
Please read this
. I know what it says, Ma'am, and I feel you should read it tonight so you can sleep on it before you talk to him tomorrow.” He took a breath. “Please, Dana. I can't stand seeing you so miserable, and I believe it's important you know what it says."

She sat on the bed, defeated. “If anyone but you asked, I'm sure I'd tell them no. Hand me my tablet, please."

He walked to her bag and pulled it out, gracefully dropping to his knees before her again as he handed it to her. She accepted the tablet and slid her right foot up his knee, over his thigh, and towards his crotch, using her big toe to find his cock.

"You're soft."

"Yes, Ma'am. It was my understanding you weren't interested in my being hard. If you wish for it, you only have to say the word."

She laid the tablet beside her, smiling. “Brent told me I could give you permission for an orgasm, as long as it's on my command."

He hesitated a brief moment, his eyes cautious. “He didn't tell me, Ma'am."

"You're so good. He said to tell you Rumpelstiltskin."

His face lit up in a smile, but immediately looked pained. “I'm not supposed to get an erection tonight unless you tell me to. I'm afraid... please; do I have your permission?"

"From where I'm sitting, it's a little late to ask, but yeah, you've got it.” She paused, knowing Brent would punish him, but... “I believe you followed the spirit of the order, as you didn't get hard until I played with you and brought up the possibility of orgasm—so, no consequences."

She caressed the firm heat beneath his pants with the edge of her foot. “I still don't know that I'll be up for doing anything with it, but it's nice to have someone want me."

Damn, she hadn't meant to sound so pathetic, and now her eyes were watering yet
again
. She turned her head, contemplating the window treatments as she tried to bury her emotions once more.

A light touch to her knee returned her focus to Jacob, and his eyes looked as sad as hers felt. “Please read the email."

Dana nodded and picked up her tablet, glancing up as the app loaded. “Strip and get under the covers, even if I don't play with you, I'd like to have you naked in bed with me."

Dana,

As I look back on our final conversation, I realize I'm at fault. I was so tied up in my own fear and grief I didn't recognize how my words and actions were affecting you. I saw the hurt on your face as I walked away, but it didn't register that I was rejecting your submission. I was too wrapped up in my pain to analyze yours, and I'm so sorry I hurt you

I needed a few hours to think and gain perspective on the situation before I could step outside of myself enough to be a proper companion. When I came back upstairs, my plan was to ask you to marry me at our six-month mark, instead of waiting a year. If you refused, I intended to request we sign a medical power of attorney for each other, so we'd be able to have authority with the doctors should anything happen in the future.

I was frantic with worry when I couldn't find you. There was no note, no explanation, nothing. I had no idea how you could've gone anywhere without a car, and without a vehicle pulling into the driveway to pick you up, but you're a smart and resourceful woman, and you found a way. I love you for your strength, even when it means you're resilient enough to walk away when I don't treat you right.

I'm so sorry. Please come back to me. I love you, and I need you in my life. I'm willing to risk the pain of losing you, in order to have you. You've given my life meaning again. I'm sorry I was stupid, I'm sorry I caused you pain. Please forgive me.

Z

Dana read it twice and switched the screen off before walking to her suitcase and retrieving comfy cotton pajama bottoms and a matching tee. She'd locked her emotions down earlier, and was in danger of major waterworks if she released her grip on them even a little.

Turning to Jacob, she said, “Thank you. You were right; I do need to sleep on it. I'm gonna take a quick shower and wash my hair. They said I could tomorrow morning, but it's driving me crazy and I'm doing it tonight. Turn the TV on if you like; when I get out we'll call Brent and check in with him."

"With that huge claw-foot tub? Why don't you take a bath and let me wash your hair?"

She'd been planning a good cry while she was in the shower, but at Jacob's words, the tenuous hold on her emotions gave way and the dam burst. He was to her in an instant; holding her, rubbing her back. He lifted her like an infant, stepped to the bed and sat with her in his lap, curled into him, and let her cry it out in the comforting strength of his arms.

She'd thought Zach had worked through his grief, hadn't realized he might change his mind like this, and it hurt. She could be logical all day long, saying she didn't blame him, but her emotions wanted to pound him until he saw reason. He'd sliced her heart in two when he stepped away from her, revolted at the idea of having to accept her submission. Could she go back to him, after the look he'd given her when she tried to submit? Could she ever risk getting on her knees before him again?

When at last she stopped crying, still miserable, Jacob walked her into the bathroom and sat her on the vanity while he prepared her bath. He expertly washed and conditioned her hair, pampering her better than any spa could conceive of, and then sat her in the desk chair and skillfully worked the blow dryer. Neither spoke, but it was a comfortable silence. He seemed to know she needed to think, and he gave her all the space she needed while overindulging her and showing her how special she was to him.

When he finally turned the hairdryer off she said, “Was I wrong to leave without talking to him?"

"I understand why you did, but if the two of you manage to work this out, you're going to have to reach some kind of agreement so it doesn't happen again."

"You didn't answer my question."

He unplugged the hair dryer and carried it and the brush back to the bathroom. She started to pull rank and insist he not walk away, but as he returned she saw something in his eyes that made her stay quiet to see what he'd do next.

As he neared her, he gracefully dropped to the floor, his ass on his feet, knees spread, and hands at the small of his back. “He gave you space when you needed it, and let you know he'd be there when you figured things out. I think talking to him would've been a better idea, but I'm not sure leaving was wrong, either. You clearly communicated your feelings, so of course he reacted better. He did a piss-poor job of letting you know where his head was, and you weren't in the best place emotionally at the time, either. So, no, you weren't wrong, but I think talking to him before leaving would've been better."

She ran her fingers through his hair and leaned down to kiss him. “Thank you for being honest."

Jacob winced. “Have you decided whether you'll meet him tomorrow?"

His face looked fine now, but she couldn't ignore the flinch, as if he'd been struck. Instincts told her to give him a few minutes, see if he brought it up, so she answered the question. “I'll make the decision in the morning. My gut right now is saying it might be best to wait until Saturday, to give him enough time to be certain he still wants me. I'm not good with wishy-washy. Either he wants me or he doesn't, and he needs to be sure before we talk."