Ryder (18 page)

“How was Demi tonight?” I ask, trying to keep her mind off my problems, I’m not sure I am up for talking about what the hell just happened. Slowly sipping the tea, I can feel my body warm through.

“She was fine, kept asking if Mammy and Daddy would be home in time to say goodnight to her.” At her saying the word ‘daddy’ I break down again, knowing that I have to break my baby’s heart in the morning and tell her that she won’t be seeing Ryder, her daddy again. Mrs. Dawson wraps me up in her arms and rubs my back. She sings a lullaby to me and my eyes start to feel heavy. It doesn’t take long until I’m asleep and I feel Mrs. Dawson lay be back on the sofa.

I wake to Demi and Mrs. Dawson singing in the kitchen and I smell coffee and bacon being cooked. My stomach chooses that moment to remind me that I haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon. I am still in my dress from last night but my shoes now sit neatly next to the coffee table. I look at the black clock on the wall and see that it’s just past eight in the morning. I reach for my bag on the table and search for my iPhone but it isn’t in there.

That’s strange I’m sure I had it with me last night. I rub the sleep from my eyes and make my way to the kitchen and pray that a caffeine fix will help clear my head. Demi and Mrs. Dawson are busy making breakfast and I can’t help but laugh at Demi and the flour that she has in her hair. She looks at me and smiles.

“I’m going to take a quick shower and I will be right back, ok?” She nods and I run to the bathroom. I have the world’s fastest shower, dressing in yoga pants and tank and join them back in the kitchen.

“We are making you breakfast on the sofa, Mama. Mrs. Dawson said you were sad and you needed cheering up. Is Daddy home yet?” I fight the tears but smile at her as I walk over to her and kiss her head.

“No baby, Ryder isn’t here. I’m not sure when we will see him again, baby. I’m sorry.” Her bottom lip trembles and it breaks me in two. I fucking knew he was too good to be true and now he has not only broken my heart but my daughter's too.

I can’t sugar coat something like this for a four year old; there isn’t any point. “Demi, Ryder did something and it hurt Mama’s heart, so we won’t be seeing him again, ok?”

“But I wanna see my daddy now. I love him Mama, I want to see him.” She cries and buries her head in my chest. I look at Mrs. Dawson, who is dabbing the corner of her eyes with a hankie.

“Demi, baby, why don’t you go and put your bathing suit on and I will take you to the beach, ok?” I help her down and she scurries off. Distraction is worth its weight in gold when it comes to kids.

“Sit and tell me what happened before that little girl comes back in here,” Mrs. D demands.

“I found out last night that Ryder slept with my sister, Laurie.” Ok, I know it was bad of me not to give her every detail but it hurt to talk about it.

“When? Did he know she was your sister?” I shake my head.

“A while ago and he says he didn’t know that we were sisters. She cheated on her husband with Ryder he…” Someone knocking at the door cuts me off. I sit up straighter. I know who is at the door; I can sense him. I make my way over and open the door Ryder is standing there in a black Ominous t-shirt and blue jeans and looks amazing, I can smell him from where I stand.

“Letty” That’s it, that’s all he says, my name. Goosebumps cover my body at his voice and I chastise myself for reacting this way.

“Ryder, what are you doing here?” I fold my arms across my chest and wait for his reply. My heart is beating a mile a minute.

“I missed you last night, I missed you lying next to me. Baby, let me come in and explain and we can take it from there”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ry. Demi is getting her things ready and we are heading out for the day. It was heart breaking for me to tell her that she won’t be seeing you again.” I try holding back a sob but it escapes and I feel Ryder wrap his arms around me and I melt into him.

“Baby I am so fucking sorry, I never knew who she was. It was ages ago, well before I met you. I didn’t even know she had a sister fuck, Letty I didn’t know she was married. If I could take it back I would, baby please believe me. And please don’t take Demi from me I couldn’t cope not seeing you both. You are my Inside Noise and I need you both. I’m not lying to you Letty, you know how I feel about liars.” I place my hands on his chest and push him away I can’t have him fucking with my senses.

“Ryder just go. I don’t know how to deal with all of this, it’s fucking with my head. I don’t think I will ever be able to get over the fact that you fucked my sister, whether you knew we were sisters are not. It hurts too fucking much. I can’t get the image of you touching her and her touching you out of my head. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it.” I place my hands over my stomach as I can feel it start churning.

“Please, Letty don’t do this” Pain crossed his face but he quickly hides it when he sees my face. He squares his shoulders and I can feel the temperature around us drop and so does my stomach. “Ok, Letty if this is what you want. As I said before, I won’t chase you. It will break my fucking heart to walk away from you both, but I will if that’s what you really want. Please tell Demi that I love her and that hopefully I will see her soon.”

He steps to me and kisses my forehead and he breaths me in. “I love you Letty, please remember that when you think of me and Laurie. I never loved her. I love you.” He walks away but turns before he hits the steps “Call me when you want to talk …if ever.” And I watch the man I love walk away, I can’t stop him I need to get my head around the fact that he slept with my sister for months.

I fall back against the door and slide to the floor and a sob breaks through. I can’t stop it and I don't even know if I want to. Did I just rip my family apart? Can I ever forgive him for sleeping with my sister? I know that he isn’t lying to me about knowing that we were sisters but fuck it hurts. It feels as if there is a ten tone elephant sitting on my chest, I can’t breathe. Please make it stop. I clutch my chest, trying to ease the pain. I hear Demi shouting, calling me but I don’t have the strength to pick myself up off the floor.

“Mama, please Mama get up please.” She sounds so frightened. I grab all the strength I can muster and pull myself into a seating position. Demi climbs into my lap, sobbing her little heart out. I pull her tight to my chest and we cry together. I hear heels clanking up the steps and towards us and I just know who it is.

“Aw Letty honey, what’s wrong? ” She helps Demi and me up off the floor. “I don’t suppose this has anything to do with your rather hot boyfriend peeling out of here just now in his big truck, does it?”

“Please, Hannah, can you just leave it be? I am not in the mood to have a bitching contest with you right now”

“Aw honey I am not going to bitch, I could see that he loved you that morning I met him. And I can see that you love him, but something bad must have happened by the state you are both in. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye, before but do you want me to come in and we can talk about it? Maybe I can help, even if it’s just to take this little cutie over to the park so you can have a few hours to yourself.”  Her words shock the shit out of me but what shocks me is the look on Demi’s face. She looks so sad and I know that I have to take her mind off Ryder. I look back to Hannah.

“We were just getting ready to hit the beach and you are welcome to join us if you don’t have plans.”

“I would like that, let me just go and change and grab a few things I will meet you back here say in thirty?” I nod and watch her walk off to her apartment.  I follow Mrs. Dawson back into the kitchen and start packing a few snacks for us.

“Letty, dear, you sure you want to do this? I heard what Ryder had to say for himself and yes, I heard you too. You can’t keep blaming him for what happened when he didn’t know she was your sister. I know I can’t imagine what you must be feeling, but you can’t hold it over him for long or you will lose him altogether. Take some time and get your head and heart in the same place before you make any rash decisions, ok? Just think on it a while and I will catch you girls later.” She kisses Demi on her head and leaves. I let her words sink in but still struggle with the images that are flashing through my head.

Does Laurie know what he likes in bed? Does she know that he loves it when I touch his thighs? Fucking hell, this is killing me. I look at Demi perched on my hip through blurry vision of my fresh tears.

“Baby girl, why don’t you go and put your bathing suit on while I gather everything else that we need and we will spend some time at the beach, ok?”

“Mama, will Daddy be there?” Fuck, shoot me now … please.

“No baby, we won’t be seeing Ryder there and we may not see him for a while, ok? He is … busy but he still loves you.” She nods her sad little head and walks off to her bedroom.

How will we ever survive not having Ryder in our lives?

Chapter 20

Letty

(Four weeks later)

“Hello, Earth to Letty.” I blink a few times and focus on Ben standing in front of me, clicking his fingers in my face. I shake my head and smile at him.

“Sorry, what were you saying, I kind of spaced out?” I fill a glass with orange juice and turn back to him with a forced smile on my face. “What?” I ask when I see that he is staring at me, with a frown on his pretty boy face.

“You look tired, Letty and I can tell that you have lost weight, not that you had any to fucking lose. This has gone on long enough, don’t you think? You are hurting and so is Demi.  Did I tell you I saw Ryder last week?” I shake my head no and try to calm my heart. It’s been four weeks since he walked away, or should I say pushed him away. He has sent me texts a few times asking how I am and even checked in on Demi. I did reply I’m not that heartless. The hurting is less now but it’s still there.

Laurie has tried contacting me a few times but I have blocked her. She not only hurt me but she actually caused physical pain to be inflicted on Ryder by starting the affair with him while Kevin was deployed. I have refused to talk to her, even though Mrs. Dawson has tried to get me to. She is my only family besides Demi but I still I can’t bring myself to face her.

The past four weeks I have thrown myself into work, dancing and Demi. We do all kind of things just to keep her mind off not seeing Ryder. For the first two weeks she asked almost every day and she would get upset when I told her that she wouldn’t see him.

It broke my heart every time she cried over him. We spent time at the beach; Quinn and Hannah even took us shopping. Hannah has been a huge surprise. It has been nice getting to know her and Demi loves her; they have girly days where they dress up and do their make-up. She makes a mean lasagne and chocolate cheesecake.

“How is he?” He shakes his head at me.

“If you had bothered to see for yourself you would know. He looks like shit; he looks like he isn’t sleeping. He was with Rafe and Beck and they said that he has been screwing up their sets, missing beats. He drinks a lot at night and passes out. He leaves straight after gigs he doesn’t bother talking to any girl that tries to make a pass at him. Reeve tried setting him up with a girl but he freaked out and punched Reeve. Letty, Ryder isn’t coping without you and Demi by his side. Please for your health and his, make the first move. He is just as stubborn as you and he is waiting for you” With that he walks back out front to serve waiting customers. He just gutted me, doesn’t he know that? Is Ryder struggling just like me? God, how am I ever going to get past this?

I join Ben and Loren out front and start making orders.

“Letty” I turn at my name and see Beck standing there looking like a Greek God, dressed in a white v-neck t-shirt and dark blue jeans. I love Ryder dressed in the same. His hair is sticking up in all directions like he just rolled out of bed.

“Beck. Nice hair by the way.” I point my pen at his hair. He gives me a small smile and runs his hand through his hair.

“Styled by pillow” He shrugs and I laugh, shit that felt foreign. It seems like I haven’t laughed in a long time.

“What can I get you, Beck?” He rubs the back of his neck, looking really uncomfortable.

“You can give me my best friend back. He is dying a little inside every day he doesn’t have you, he doesn’t have Demi, Letty. Listen. I screwed up big fucking time with Trin and I don’t want Ryder feeling like I am. He can have you in his life; I can’t ever get Trin back. All you have to do is reach out to him, please Letty.” I see pain and hurt in his eyes and all I want to do it hug him, so I do just that. I come around the counter and wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. His body shakes a little and I know that he is crying. I look around us and see that people are starting to stare at us so I pull Beck into the back kitchen with me. I sit him on one of the chairs and fetch him a glass of water.

“Fuck I’m so sorry, Letty. You didn’t need to see that. God I am so fucked up. I can’t stop thinking about her. I ruined any chance of being with her long term and I only have myself to blame. But you and Ryder don’t have anyone to blame; you are both hurting because of something that happened years ago. He truly didn’t know that you were Laurie’s sister. Do you think if he knew that he would make a move on you knowing you have Demi. He loves you Letty, he loves you both.” He places the glass on the table and stands. I follow suit. He grabs me into a bear hug.