Ryan's Place (14 page)

He took her hand in his, swallowed hard, then fumbled
until he found the right words. “If it’s any consolation, I love you, too.” The admission had been easier than he’d expected, but he couldn’t help adding a quick disclaimer. “At least as much as I know how to love anyone. Can that be enough for you?”

A faint glimmer of a smile appeared on her lips. “For now,” she said, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “It is for now.”

Ryan must have looked at that slip of paper with Sean’s address on it a dozen times a day. Each time he picked up the phone to call his brother, then settled the receiver back into its cradle. For two solid weeks that paper taunted him, as did the worried frown puckering Maggie’s brow. He evaded all the questions Rory and Father Francis had about his dark mood, as well. He was driving them all away, and all because he was afraid to tell them the momentous news that he’d found one of his brothers.

At night, lying awake in bed next to a sleeping Maggie, he questioned why he was having such a difficult time with this. It didn’t take long for him to figure out the answer. He was desperately afraid of how seeing Sean again might change things.

What if his brother hated him for standing by and watching him walk away with strangers that day and doing nothing? For all Ryan knew, Sean could have found their parents and discovered that Ryan’s worst fear was accurate, that he had somehow driven them away. He knew it was a boy’s fear, not that of a rational grown-up, but he couldn’t seem to turn his back on it just the same. He’d lived with that guilt burning inside him for too many years.

Greater than the fear of all that, though, was this mounting panic that if he didn’t do something, Maggie would even
tually slip away. Despite her promise to give him all the time he needed, it was already happening. She was growing more reserved as he insisted on keeping his secret. The openness he prized in her was giving way to brooding silences. He couldn’t let that go on or he would lose her forever. He sighed heavily.

“Ryan?” she murmured, rolling toward him. “Are you awake?”

He nodded, then realized she probably had her eyes closed. “Yes. Go back to sleep. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Instead, she propped herself on her elbow and studied him sleepily. “What’s wrong?”

“I have a lot on my mind.”

“Please tell me.”

He hesitated, then drew in a deep breath. This was the moment he’d been waiting for, here in the dark, where she couldn’t read his expression so readily.

When he didn’t speak right away, she said, “Is it so hard to talk to me? There’s nothing you can’t say now. I want to be here for you, but I can’t be if you won’t let me in.”

She was right and he knew it. “Okay, here it is. I’ve had Jack looking for my family,” he said quietly.

“Really?” Maggie remarked, her voice surprisingly neutral, as if she didn’t want to risk getting excited. “And?”

Relieved by her calm, accepting reaction, he went on. “He’s found one of my brothers.”

“Oh, my God,” she murmured. “Which one?”

“Sean. He’s two years younger than I am.”

He felt her tears fall on his bare chest. “Oh, Ryan, that’s wonderful! How long have you known?”

“A couple of weeks now.”

“And you haven’t said a word? Why not?”

“I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t,” he admitted candidly.

“Have you been to see him?”

“No….”

“Why on earth not? Is he here in Boston?”

He shrugged, feeling helpless. “Only a couple of miles away, as a matter of fact. And to be honest, I don’t know why I haven’t called or gone to see him. He must be wondering about it, too, since Jack told him I was looking for him.”

“Oh, Ryan, put yourself in his shoes,” Maggie said urgently. “It must be awful waiting for a call that hasn’t come. It must be a little bit like reliving what he went through after your parents took off. I’m sure all of you kept expecting to get a phone call any day.”

“Oh, God,” Ryan whispered, struck by her words. “I never looked at it that way. You’re right, Maggie. It was months before I finally accepted the fact that they weren’t calling and weren’t coming back.” The memory still haunted him. How many hours had he stayed near the phone wherever he was, waiting, trying desperately not to hope when it rang, fighting tears when it wasn’t for him.

“That’s when I started getting in trouble,” he told Maggie. “Once I knew that it didn’t matter where I was, because they were never going to look for me, I didn’t care if I was moved from foster home to foster home. I didn’t want to get attached to any of those families, so whenever I felt myself letting down my guard, I’d do something to get sent away.”

He felt Maggie’s hand on his cheek.

“It must have been so awful for you,” she said sympathetically. “And now you have a chance to get back something you lost. Don’t wait another day. Call Sean. Go to see him.”

Ryan wasn’t sure he could do it alone. “Would you…?” He looked into Maggie’s eyes. “I want you to come with me.”

To his dismay she shook her head. “Ryan, after all these years this should be private, just the two of you.”

He searched his heart for the strength, but it wasn’t there. Besides, having Maggie with him, since she’d been the one to encourage the search, felt right. “No, I need you to be there. If we’re going to be family, that’s how it should be.”

She stared at him, clearly stunned by the casual mention of a future for the two of them. “Are we? Are we going to be family?”

He was just as shocked that she hadn’t known that that was what they were leading up to, that it was the reason for everything he’d done lately to deal with the past. He was desperately trying to tie up all the loose ends so he could move forward with a clear conscience.

“That’s why I’m doing this,” he explained. “I want to find them all, to make sure that, you know, there are no problems you ought to know about before you marry me.”

“Problems?” she asked, clearly bewildered.

“Illnesses, that kind of thing,” he said, avoiding her gaze.

Maggie sat straight up in bed and regarded him with unmistakable dismay. “You’re looking for them to see if everyone’s
healthy?
”

“Of course,” he said defensively. “That’s the responsible thing to do.”

“And that’s the only reason?” she asked, disbelief still written all over her face.

“It’s important, dammit!”

“Oh, Ryan,” she whispered, fresh tears tracking down her cheeks. “It shouldn’t be about that.”

And then, to his shock, she climbed out of bed, dragged on her clothes and left the room without so much as a glance in his direction. And somehow, despite the terrible, aching emptiness inside him, he couldn’t find a single word to call her back.

R
yan didn’t get it. He’d done what Maggie wanted. Maybe he hadn’t found his whole family, but he’d found one of his brothers. That was a start, dammit! What did she want from him? If she was expecting the Devaneys to suddenly turn all warm and fuzzy like the O’Briens—well, it wasn’t going to happen. There was too blasted much water under the bridge for that.

“Ryan, you’ve the look of a man with a lot on his mind,” Father Francis said, sliding onto a stool at the bar. “Anything I can help with?”

“Not unless you can explain the way a woman’s mind works,” Ryan retorted.

Father Francis grinned. “Now that is a mysterious thing,” he agreed. “Are we talking about any woman’s mind, or is it
Maggie’s that has you looking as if there’s a dark cloud hanging over your head?”

“Maggie’s, of course.”

“I notice she hasn’t been coming in as regularly as she was,” Father Francis said. “It’s been a few days since her last visit, hasn’t it?”

“Close to a week,” Ryan admitted despondently.

“Have you spoken to her?”

He shook his head. What was the point of calling, when he didn’t know what to say?

Father Francis looked dismayed. “Now there’s your first mistake, it seems to me. Whether he’s right or wrong, a man should take the first step toward making things right.” He gave Ryan a canny look. “Unless, of course, you’re happy with the way things are.”

“No, of course not, but I don’t know the first thing about smoothing this over. I have no idea what Maggie expects. She’s the one who walked out.” It was a disingenuous statement, and Ryan knew it. He knew precisely why Maggie was so furious. She was outraged because he cared more about making sure his family health history was problem free than he did about some phony family reunion.

Father Francis studied him intently. “She left without giving you any clue at all about why she was upset?” the priest asked doubtfully. “That doesn’t sound like Maggie.”

“Are you calling me a liar?” Ryan asked edgily.

“No, of course not. Have you thought of asking her to explain, then?”

“It’s not that simple.”

Father Francis clearly wasn’t convinced. “Why, because Maggie won’t be honest?”

“Of course not,” Ryan said at once. “Maggie’s the most honest person I know.”

“Is it because she won’t be able to tell you what’s in her heart?”

Ryan sighed. “No.”

“What then?”

“It’s because I still won’t be able to give her the answers she wants.”

“About?”

“My family.” Ryan regarded the priest helplessly. “How can I tell her I care about seeing them again, when the truth is that I don’t?”

“Ah, so that’s it,” Father Francis said. “Have you finally decided to search for them, then? I imagine Maggie’s had a hand in helping you reach that decision. Are you not comfortable with it now that you’ve made it? Are you considering backing down?”

“Too late for that,” Ryan said wryly. “Actually, Jack Reilly’s been looking for a while now. He’s found one of my brothers—Sean, the one two years younger than me, which would make him about thirty now.”

The old man’s face lit up. “That’s brilliant news. Have you seen him?”

“I can see that your expectations are the same as Maggie’s,” Ryan said. “You’re expecting me to be overjoyed.”

“And you’re not?”

“I’m just looking for answers.”

“What sort of answers? You do realize that if he was
younger than you, Sean may not have the answers you need. Unless he’s found your parents, it’s unlikely he knows what went wrong.”

Ryan shook his head. “That’s not it at all. I want to be sure everyone’s in good health, so if Maggie and I ever decide to marry and have a family, I won’t be unwittingly passing any hereditary conditions along to our children.”

Father Francis sighed heavily. “I imagine this is because of Lamar,” he said. “And you told this to Maggie, that your search is all about genetics?”

“Yes,” Ryan admitted.

The priest gave him a pitying look. “It’s a wonder she didn’t take a skillet to your head. I’m thinking of it myself,” he said with disgust. “You clearly know how to rob a moment of its meaning.”

“If you’re trying to accuse me of not being a sentimental jerk, then you’re right. I’m not. This is a practical search for answers I need to have before I decide whether it’s right to take the next step with Maggie.”

“No,” the priest said flatly. “It’s a way of protecting yourself from being hurt again. You’re taking no chances that your brother—or the others when you find them—might not want to be a part of your life even now.”

Ryan felt the undeniable sting of truth in his words. “What if I am? Can you blame me?”

“Of course not, but life is about risks, about being open to possibilities. Have you not been happier these last weeks with Maggie than you ever have been before?”

There seemed to be little to gain by lying when the answer was obvious. “Yes. What’s your point?”

“If you’d continued to keep the door to your heart tightly shut, you’d have had none of that,” Father Francis reminded him. “Life would have gone along on its nice, even keel with no ups and downs. It would have been safe. But you’d have missed all the joy Maggie has brought into your life. Wasn’t that worth the risk of letting down your defenses?”

Much as Ryan wanted to protest that he’d been better off before, he knew it wasn’t true. Maggie had opened up his heart, and there was no turning back.

“And you think that seeing my brothers and even my parents again could turn out as well?” he asked skeptically. “Despite the fact that I’ve spent all these years with bitterness and resentment churning around inside me?”

“You’ll never know unless you try…and for the right reasons. And you’ll need to be willing to let go of the bitterness and resentment and be ready move on. Surely your brother’s not the one you’ve been angry with. Wouldn’t that be a good place to start? I’m sure he’s been grappling with many of the same resentments that you have.”

“Okay, you win. I’ll call Sean in the morning.”

“It’s not about what I want or about me winning. It’s about you. And is there any reason for not calling him right now?” Father Francis pushed.

Ryan frowned, but he reached for the phone.

With the priest’s steady gaze on him, he dialed his brother’s number. Unfortunately, it was an answering machine that picked up. Hearing his brother’s voice after all these years—his deep, grown-up voice—threw Ryan. Sean sounded so much like their dad, it was uncanny and disturbing. But before he could lose his nerve, he left a message.

“Sean, this is Ryan…um, your brother Ryan.” He considered hanging up then, but after a glance at Father Francis’s expectant, encouraging expression, he plunged on. “I’d like to see you. If it’s okay, I’ll stop by tomorrow around ten. I have the address. If I miss you then, I’ll come by another time.” He searched his brain for something more, but nothing came to him. “Um, I guess that’s it. Bye.”

To his shock, his hand was shaking as he replaced the receiver in its cradle. Father Francis covered his hand to steady it.

“You’ve taken a first step, lad, the first of many.”

Ryan swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I just wish to hell I knew where they were going to lead.”

Maggie had been for an hour-long walk, but it hadn’t done a thing to steady her nerves or calm her temper. Nor had any of the other walks she’d taken since she’d walked out of Ryan’s apartment and out of his life. She’d been expecting him to call, but the phone had remained stubbornly silent. It shouldn’t have surprised her. If he hadn’t reached out to his family in all these years, why was she expecting him to reach out to her? Back then he’d been too young to fight for what he needed. Now he was evidently too scared.

Back at the house, half-frozen, she poured herself a cup of tea, then sat at the kitchen table, brooding over the way things were turning out. She’d been so sure that Ryan was the one, that her love could give him the strength to face his past and move on. Maybe it was impossible after what he’d been through. Maybe she’d been expecting too much once again, just as she had when she’d wanted more passion from her last relationship. Maybe her expectations simply couldn’t be met, at least never all at once.

She was still thinking that over, debating whether there was more she could have done to get through to him, when her mother walked into the kitchen.

“I thought I heard you come in,” Nell O’Brien said, pouring herself a cup of tea, then putting a few freshly baked shortbread cookies onto a plate before sitting down opposite Maggie.

“Uh-oh, you’ve brought out the cookies,” Maggie teased. “You must be anticipating a serious talk.”

“I am, indeed. I’ve waited patiently for you to tell me what happened between you and Ryan, but you haven’t said a word. I’ve lost patience,” her mother said. “And since Father Francis called a while ago with a rather cryptic message, I’ve concluded that it’s time to get to the bottom of things.”

Maggie sat up a little straighter. “Father Francis called? What did he want?”

“He said Ryan was going to try to see his brother at ten this morning. He seemed to think you’d be interested in that, that you might want to be there.”

“No way,” Maggie said fiercely. “I am not going to help him do this, not when he’s doing it for all the wrong reasons.”

“What reasons are those?” her mother asked.

“The stupid idiot thinks I’m worried about his genes,” Maggie grumbled. “Can you imagine anything more ridiculous? I don’t give two figs about that.”

“Aren’t you assuming it’s all about you?” her mother asked mildly. “And isn’t that a bit presumptuous?”

“I’m not assuming anything. That’s what Ryan said. He said he needed to know if everyone was okay, if there were
any medical skeletons in the closet, before he could contemplate a future with me.”

Her mother gave her a pitying look. “And you took that at face value?”

“He said it, didn’t he?” Maggie replied defensively, even as her conviction began to waver.

“Have you considered for an instant that maybe that’s the only way he can let himself think?” she asked Maggie. “If he lets himself be vulnerable, if he lets himself envision being reunited with his family, what happens if he’s rejected again?”

She let that image sink in before she continued. “Can you imagine what it must have been like for him to be abandoned when he was only nine? It was devastating enough to shape the rest of his life. Can’t you remember how skittish he was just being in the same room with all of us, as if being around a big family scared him to death? It’s only because of your persistence that he’s let the walls around his heart come down at all.”

As she listened to her mother’s interpretation, shame flooded through Maggie. How could she not have seen that, when her mother had grasped it at once? Of course, that was it. This was a way for Ryan to cover emotions far too fragile for him to deal with.

“Go with him this morning,” her mother encouraged. “Don’t let him do this alone. Be there for him no matter how it turns out. He’s taking a first step, Maggie. And he may say he’s only doing it for you and for all sorts of practical reasons, but he’s doing it for himself, as well. Whether he admits it or not, there has to have been an empty place inside him all these years. He’s about to reach out and try to mend at least
some of the hurt. That must be a very scary thing to a man whose heart’s been broken the way his has been. Some people never truly recover from deep childhood hurts.”

“You’re right,” Maggie said. “I’m the one who’s been an idiot. What time did Father Francis say he was going over there? Can I still make it?”

“He said Ryan had left a message saying he’d be there at ten. Here’s the address. You should have just enough time, if you hurry.” She smiled. “He’s a good man, Maggie.”

“I know that. I think I was just expecting him to be a saint.” She recalled what Ryan had said to her the night they’d first met, that he wasn’t the man Father Francis was likely to make him out to be. If only she’d listened then, perhaps her expectations wouldn’t have been so unreasonable.

Ryan had so many qualms about going through with this meeting that he’d almost turned right around and driven back home a half dozen times. It was the prospect of facing Father Francis’s disappointment—and Maggie’s, assuming she ever started speaking to him again—that kept him going until he reached the street on which Sean’s apartment was located.

It was in an older neighborhood, where brownstones had been converted into multifamily dwellings. It wasn’t exactly shabby, but it wasn’t an area that had been gentrified either. Even so, it was head and shoulders above the neighborhood they’d lived in as kids.

He spotted Sean’s building, drove around the block, then found a parking space just down the street. But once he’d cut
the engine, he couldn’t seem to make himself leave the car.

Suddenly he was awash in memories.

Because they’d been the oldest, barely two years apart, he and Sean had been best friends. Sean had been his shadow from the moment he learned to walk. He’d even insisted Ryan walk with him on his first day of school, rather than their mother, because he hadn’t wanted to look like a baby. They’d played baseball together at the small park down the street. Ryan had taught him to ride the secondhand bike he’d managed to buy from a church thrift store with the pocket change he’d earned by helping elderly neighbors carry their groceries or wash their cars.

None of that had changed when Michael came along. Ryan and Sean had welcomed their new brother, waiting impatiently until he was old enough to go with them everywhere. They were brothers, and that’s what brothers did.

But when the twins were born, everything changed. They were fussier babies, and the mere fact that there were two of them in a an increasingly crowded apartment added to the tension. Tempers flared more often. Ryan couldn’t count the number of evenings he and Sean had fled from the apartment in tears because of the shouting between his parents. Michael, too little to follow, had huddled in his bed and cried just as hard as the babies.

In retrospect, he probably shouldn’t have been surprised when their family collapsed under the weight of all that stress. But coming home after school to an empty apartment, standing inside the deserted rooms with Sean’s hand tucked in his, had been a shock.