Rotten (19 page)

“Have you slept with him, Annie?”

I bit my lip. I had to be honest, but we technically had not had sex. I knew that if this were to happen, I wanted to be able to say no.

“Andrew, we have slept in the same bed, but we have not had sex. Yes, I have kissed him, but nothing more.” A small part of me felt guilty for leaving out the shower, but I knew that nothing good would come of admitting that during an already fragile moment. I couldn’t lie; he would know it in a heartbeat.

Opening the door, he immediately grabbed his suitcase and hauled it onto the bed, packing the few things he had removed.

“What are you doing, Andrew?” I stepped a little further into the room, yet staying a safe distance, unsure of his next move.

“I’m going back to the airport, Annie. I’m obviously of no use to you here since you have him. I have too much work to do. Figure out what you want and when you do, let me know, but I can’t guarantee I will wait.”

His calmness frightened me in a way I had never known. Aside from the fact that I really didn’t need his judgment and lack of understanding, he was leaving too easily. Normally, when another man challenged your marriage, you didn’t walk away, leaving her alone with him. Perhaps he felt that the fight was of no use and I would do what I wanted to anyway. He should have known that rejecting me was the worst thing he could have done. I didn’t stop him either. Without a goodbye, he wheeled his luggage out the door and away from our relationship. I was used to being left behind, and suddenly, the last ball dropped. I now had nothing else to lose.

The void opened beneath me, and I stretched my arms open like wings and allowed myself to fall. Alone in the empty hotel room, I laid in silence as the darkness overtook me. Not a drop of alcohol was in my system, my consciousness formulating the chemical protection of a mind about to break. I couldn’t be here; I couldn’t be alone right now. Not tonight. I called down to the desk and let them know that the room was now vacant. Pulling a few bottles from the mini bar and stuffing them in my purse, I took a taxi to the closest Catholic Church. I took a shot and prayed that it was still open, doors unlocked and ever willing to hear from a repentant sinner.

The Sangre De Christo cathedral was for all intents and purposes, closed, yet the sanctuary was open, still illuminated by the candles in the entryway and along the walls of the adobe style church. It was just shy of eleven in the evening, yet I doubted that very many people came in here at that time. Weaving my way through the shiny, oak pews, I moved to the third row from the front and lightly lowered the kneeler onto the marble floor. As it echoed loudly despite my best attempts, I sank onto the padded piece of wood, rested my shoulders wearily over the pew in front of me and silently prayed.

Our Father, who art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name

Thy kingdom come

Thy will be done

On earth as it is in heaven

Please give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us of our trespasses

As we forgive those that trespass against us

Lead us not into temptation

But deliver us from evil

For yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever.

Amen

Andrew’s sudden arrival and even faster departure left me in shambles. The look on David’s face as I chose Andrew over him weighed like an anvil in my gut. If I knew what was going to happen, I would have told Andrew to fuck himself and stayed at the club under the safety of David’s protection. Refusing to run back, I came to the only one who I knew had answers, and I prayed for mercy. God was the only one who could wake up my daddy, heal my broken heart, save David, and give me some sense of peace among all this bullshit. Silently, Christ hung from the cross with closed eyes and no reprieve. Angrily, I threw my rosary and stomped up to the large, wooden beam hanging from the ceiling above the altar.

My screams bounced loudly around the cavernous room.

“When are you going to give me a fucking break? I am trying to do everything right! I know I screwed up. I know I shouldn’t have kissed him. But I told the truth! I didn’t hide it. Why would you put me anywhere near him, knowing what I was going through? I can’t do it, I’m done.”

Waving my hands in the air as I paced back and forth, I failed to notice the dark figure sitting in the back pew, waiting for me to finish my rant. Through tear-strewn eyes and another fifteen minutes of lashing out at a statue, the stoic man in a black, wool cassock walked slowly towards me with a new, white handkerchief. My entire body trembled as I reached out and took the small piece of cloth and wiped my eyes and runny nose.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you. I just didn’t know what else to do. I will get out of here.” Grabbing my purse, I started to walk past him before he held his hand up. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, because I immediately found him attractive and knew I was going to burn in hell.

“If God’s house is not open to those in need, then what point does it have in standing at all? You are welcome here, child; there is no need to rush.”

I looked up and grinned through the soaked fabric. Surely this priest had to be closer to my age, yet he was calling me child. His hazel green eyes peered at me through thick, black eyelashes with the utmost intensity, seeing straight through whatever mess I was in. He smiled slightly before furrowing his brow. “Would you like to receive the sacrament of reconciliation?”

My hands worried away at the handkerchief as it twisted in my hands tightly. I looked around the sanctuary, knowing it was probably more appropriate to do it the right way than to come in like a lunatic, yelling at Jesus and throwing rosary beads. I nodded slightly and followed him around to the doors that were set into the mud-sculpted walls.

Taking a seat in the darkened room, I exhaled in preparation to reveal my soul to a stranger. Talking to Father Joseph always left me feeling closer to God, even if I didn’t like the penance. Here I was with a man who knew nothing about me, yet was about to dish out my heart and soul on a month’s worth of sin. I started where I left off with my last confession and ended with my arrival at the church. The saga took over an hour, yet he sat patiently, waiting for me to finish. I would pause occasionally to ensure he was awake, and he would always indicate he was still listening.

He was quiet for a while, praying and thinking on how best to deal with me. I began to dread what terrible concoction of religious antidotes he was scheming. What seemed like an eternity passed before he was ready and coughed lightly to gain my attention.

“The fact you are here is proof that your spirit is stronger than your flesh. As humans, we are often weak, and God allows temptation to come before us because the more we resist it, the stronger we become. It is only through trials that we are tempered like iron and become mighty. We expect this battle to be conquered here on Earth, but that is not so. We must die daily and constantly be reborn. It is through the gift of reconciliation that it is possible. You are not just unburdening your soul through honesty; you are opening the door for God to move in your life. You are moving out of his way and laying down your own will, and submitting to his. What God’s will for your life is, I do not know. But take heart in the trials you are enduring. He is doing a great work in you, and right now you are feeling the fire and pounding of refinement.”

The young priest began to remind me of the sweet, wise man back in Indiana. I braced for the list of items I must complete before all was right in my soul again.

“Tell me what I need to do.” I was blunt, seeing no point in taking up anymore of this man’s time. Until I was out of the small room, I wouldn’t be able to fully breathe.

“Go forth and sin no more. Your sins have been forgiven.”

“What?” I was shocked that the custom list of repetitive prayers was not issued as part of my penance.

He chuckled while standing up and opening the door, waiting for me to exit as well. As I stood before him, he reached out his hand to shake mine. “You must be Toni Knox. I know your father well.”

I stepped back warily, confused by his remark. “You like strippers? I mean, to each his own, but I wouldn’t expect a priest to go around bragging about that. You’re pretty hot, but still.”

He blushed at the same time my fist went into my mouth, biting down lightly on my knuckles with embarrassment.

“I didn’t mean to say that. I am so sorry. I am going straight to hell in gasoline panties aren’t I?” I started to walk away swiftly, but stopped a few feet later out of sheer curiosity. “Before I go, how do you really know my daddy?” I tilted my head and waited for him to respond.

Despite my unrefined comments, he remained cordial. Walking slowly to the exit, he started to explain.

“About four years ago, we started receiving donations here during the holidays. Large amounts of canned goods, cash, and different things needed for families in our area, but the donor was not a member of our diocese. After a few times of experiencing the generosity, I sought out the donor to thank them. It was your father. When I asked him why he chose my parish, he said that you had chosen to follow in your grandfather’s footsteps and become Catholic; I was simply closest to the highway. But he does it because of you. I know he’s in the hospital now; I visit your father daily during my rounds. I am sorry, he really is a good man. I am honored to call him a friend.”

I started to bawl again profusely and had to take a seat for a moment. My chest rattled upon hearing what other philanthropic ventures my daddy had taken up. If not for this chance meeting with the priest, I would have most likely never known. My daddy drove himself into the ground, caring for others, whereas I felt like I didn’t have a compassionate bone in my body. I was tolerant at most.

Although it breached etiquette, I wrapped my arms around the priest and hugged him appreciatively. “Thank you, Father.” Before walking out the door, I stopped and turned around. “What is your name?”

“My last name is Gleason, but most know me simply as Father Mike. It was nice to meet you, Ms. Knox. Godspeed, I will be praying for you.”

I smiled and nodded before greeting the cool, desert night. Thankfully, it was Las Vegas, and a moment later a taxi happened to drive by. Hopping in, I raced to the hospital and crept my way to the Hep unit. The nurses took one look at me and silently ushered me through. Nurse Julie was on duty and sat with me for a while as I poured a rum and coke.

“Honey, I’m not one to pry, but you look like hell. I better not hear David had anything to do with this, or he and I are going to have words later.”

I smiled and shook my head while taking a sip. “No, it was my husband actually. He surprised me by coming to the club and reacted horribly. He already left me to go home; that’s why I’m here.”

“Oh, that’s just terrible. I know that your daddy and his world aren’t the easiest to understand, but if someone loves you, they will give you the chance to teach them. Doesn’t mean they have to accept it, but everyone should seek to understand it.”

“If only everyone was as wise as you, Julie, the world would be a much better place.”

She patted my leg and stood to check on my daddy’s vitals and to take a few notes on his chart. I had grown quite fond of her when I saw her on rounds. Since it was the wee hours of morning, she was able to spend more time with me.

“You’re not alone, God is always with you. It might look like everything is falling apart right now, but He’s got a plan.”

I stood up and gave her a hug before she started to walk out. Picking up my cup, she took a sniff and her eyes grew wide.

“I didn’t see this. You need to sleep, go.” She pointed to the small pull-out and turned off the lights. I dumped the remainder of the drink down the drain and laid down. Rest would not come, and the night played through my head over and over again, trying to make sense of it. Julie must have called David, because he walked into the room a short while later and pulled me into his arms. It was still dark outside. I wanted to cry, but wouldn’t. Not over this. I’d shed enough tears already. Standing up, we walked out of the room where I smiled at Julie while passing the nurses’ station. David thanked her for calling and led me to the car.

He didn’t talk as we made our way back to his house. I stripped off my clothes and crawled into his bed, not bothering to cover up. Lying next to me, he pulled me close and kissed my shoulder as I finally went to sleep. I slept for a long time, and it was dark again when I finally woke. I showered and dressed before looking for David. A note was left on the table, letting me know he was at the house having the new windows installed and cleaning things up, but he would be back later. God, that man was incredible.