Room at the Top (37 page)

“Always knew one of us would do that someday,” Austin said, dazed.

Jay dropped to the floor and cradled Austin’s head, tilting it to examine the damage. “Don’t move. Let me see.” A lump was already rising on Austin’s head, though it didn’t look as bad as it probably would in an hour. The skin was reddened and grazed, purple lines scoring the swelling skin.

“It’s not bleeding, but we need to get some ice and arnica on it.”

“Arnica usually goes on my ass,” Austin mumbled. He sounded vague and out of it, which wasn’t surprising. “
Ow
. This hurts and not in a good way. Doesn’t seem fair. We’re supposed to get off on pain.”

Jay had never felt less like laughing, but he forced out a chuckle. “It comes in all shapes and sizes. Like ice cream flavors.”

“You know that makes no sense?”

Jay kissed the bumped skin. “You know what I mean. Can you get up or do you want me to bring the ice to you here?”

“I can walk. It’s just a flesh wound.”

The quotation from one of the movies they’d watched with Liam made Jay’s mouth tighten, but he concentrated on helping Austin up the stairs. When he’d gotten Austin settled in a kitchen chair with a homemade ice pack, he let himself take a deep breath. His legs were wobbly, so he sat next to Austin at the table, taking Austin’s free hand in both of his, stroking it comfortingly.

“Poor baby. I’ll get you a painkiller in a minute. You’re going to have one hell of a headache.”

Austin glanced down at the table, not meeting Jay’s eyes. “I’m okay.”

“Huh? I think you should take something.”

Austin snatched his hand away. “I’m
fine
.”

Okay, that made no sense. Jay wasn’t going to let it go, either. There’d been too much of that lately. He reached out and grabbed Austin’s chin, using his hold to tilt Austin’s face up so that he could get a good look at his eyes. The shamed defiance in Austin’s eyes told him all he needed to know, though the dilated pupils were hard to miss. “You’ve been taking Valium again.”

Austin closed his eyes as if he couldn’t bear to see Jay’s expression, though Jay was doing his best to keep it neutral. “Just the last few days, I swear. I needed to sleep. I feel so fucking tired all the time.”

“You can take ibuprofen with Valium,” Jay said, keeping his voice steady. “I’ll get you some.”

When he came back with it, Austin reached for his hand, the ice pack on the table now. “Please don’t be mad at me,” he whispered. “Please. I can’t take it.”

“I’m not mad.” It was a lie, because part of Jay
was
mad even though he understood why Austin had done it. “I’m worried. Here, take these.”

Austin obeyed without question, swallowing the pills Jay gave him. “I’m sorry. I know I said before I wouldn’t do it again—”

“But this time you mean it?” Jay shook his head. “I know you’re sorry; that’s not the point.”

“What is?” Austin was looking at him with wide eyes, biting his lip, and Jay knew with a flash of insight that he’d love him forever.

“Is it Liam?”

Austin’s eyes flooded with tears that spilled over and ran down his cheeks. “It’s not…it’s not just missing what he did for us, the dom stuff. It’s
him
.”

“Yeah, I miss him too. But we’re going to be okay.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Austin swiped at his cheeks angrily. “It’s not just me, right? It was good, the three of us. Why couldn’t he see that?”

This was the same conversation they’d already had several times, and Jay didn’t have any new answers. “Maybe he really is straight.”

“No.” Austin shook his head, too vehemently given the knock it’d taken. He winced and put his hand to his head. “No,” he repeated with less emphasis. “He’s not. Bi, yeah, but he’s not straight. I’ll accept that maybe he’s happier having sex with women than men, though he hasn’t really tried the alternative, but he said it himself that when it comes to playing, he prefers guys. And he might want to get laid. Hell, after months without it, sure he does, but he’s got to choose.”

Jay thought that over. “Yeah. Sex with a female sub—nice and easy, but the sessions don’t work for him as well—or a session with us, and we know damn well he loves those, but the sex is problematic because—”

“We’re men.”

“No,” Jay said slowly. “Well, maybe, but there’s more to it than that.” He stood, needing to move, and found himself over at the sink, staring at stacked dishes that needed to be washed. Austin had let the housework slide, and without his nagging, Jay had lapsed into being a slob. He felt as if the answer was right there, always had been, but they’d been too ripped apart emotionally to see it clearly. “April doesn’t scare him. He’d chew her up and spit her out. He’s worried about your family finding out, but not for himself, just for you. And that bullshit about not wanting to fuck a guy? I had his dick in my mouth, and there was
nothing
about that he didn’t like.”

“He didn’t mind me kissing him either, or us making him come.”

Jay turned to face Austin and flung out his hands. “See? It makes no sense, any of it. Liam’s the kind of guy who hates compromising, but I don’t see how being with us would be one. We’re everything he wants.”

“One of us would be.”

“Huh?”

Austin gestured between them. “You. Me. A couple. He doesn’t want to split us up. I bet he’s been stressing over it for weeks, and April just tipped him over the edge.”

“He couldn’t split us up.” Jay closed the gap between them and went to his knees next to Austin’s chair. Austin’s mouth tasted of tears and tiredness, but he kissed it anyway, making sure Austin could feel just how much he was loved. “No one could. I love you. Love you more than I can tell you.”

Austin sighed and kissed him back, a long, sweet kiss. “You know I feel the same way. My Jay.”

“All yours.” Jay smiled at him. “We get sappier faster than anyone I know.”

“Ssh. It’s our secret. I’ll never tell.”

Jay rested his forehead in the crook of Austin’s neck. “So you think that’s it? Liam’s being all noble and self-sacrificing?”

“Maybe. Or maybe we’re just doing a lot of wishful thinking and he’s already found some sweet little sub, and he’s fucking her brains out every Friday night.”

Jay drew back. Austin sounded so bitter. “I don’t… He wouldn’t.”

Austin stood, the peaceful moment shattered. “Why not? No point in kicking us out of his life if he doesn’t follow through and replace us. Hell, maybe we’ve given him a taste for threesomes, and he’s found twins who’re both into the scene. We know he can handle two subs at a time.”

There was so much wrong with that picture, Jay didn’t know where to start. “Austin—”

“I’m going to take a nap. My head aches. And, Jay, don’t get any ideas about calling Liam. He knows where we are. If he wants us, he can come crawling.”

Austin pushed Jay’s hand aside and walked away, heading for his room, not the bedroom they shared. The door closed with a quiet
click.

Jay exhaled, a long sigh. Austin knew him too well. Calling Liam had been something he’d wanted to do for a while now, but he could see why Austin’s pride would take that option off the table—even if Austin wanted Liam back so much Jay could see it every time he looked at him. Easy to recognize that helpless yearning when he saw it in the mirror most days.

And really, satisfying though it would be to scream at Liam, the situation wasn’t totally his fault. He might have been worried about the growing intimacy between them, but without April’s interference, it was more likely that Liam would’ve talked it over with them. April had dripped poison in his ear—okay, yeah, he was being dramatic again—and Liam hadn’t realized how much of it had seeped inside.

It was messy. They had nothing to go on but a lot of guesswork, and there wasn’t likely to be a single reason Liam had dumped them, but a cluster of half reasons that added up to that final, brutal decision.

So he couldn’t call Liam…but he could sure as hell call April and tell her just what she’d done to a brother Jay had always believed she loved best of all her siblings, even if she had trouble showing it. She certainly didn’t give the rest of the family the grief she did Austin.

Austin had his family’s phone numbers written on a piece of notebook paper stuck to the side of the fridge. It had been there for months, and as Jay dialed April’s number, he wondered if it was still current—he didn’t know for sure, but April definitely struck him as the kind of person who’d go through phones quickly. As it turned out, though, she answered on the third ring.

“Hello?”

Even the sound of her voice made him angry. “You’re a horrible person, you know that?”

“Um, what?” April clearly didn’t recognize him at first. “Who the hell is this?”

“It’s your brother’s
boyfriend
,” Jay spat. “He’s all fucked up, and it’s your fault.”

“Jay? Nice way to start a conversation. What do you mean Austin’s fucked up?”

“I’m pretty sure a lack of imagination isn’t among your many faults,” Jay said. “You can guess. Why do you have to make life harder for him?”

“Aw, Austin’s little boyfriend got a spine,” April cooed. “That’s so cute, Jay. Seriously, I mean it. You’re adorable.”

She was so fucking
patronizing
. “And you’re a bitch.”

“Oh, I’m hurt.” He could imagine her putting her hand on her chest dramatically. “Was there a point to this? Or can I hang up now?”

“I want you to start treating your brother like you give a shit about him, or I’m going to convince him not to have anything to do with you ever again. No more bailing you out of trouble, no more money, no more making excuses for you because you’re ‘young.’ I’m sick of it.” Jay realized he was starting to get pretty loud and lowered his voice. “He’s the only person who really knows you who’s still on your side. Do you really want to lose that? Do you want to lose
him
? Fuck, we both could have lost him tonight.”

“What? Is he okay?” Now April sounded genuinely worried. “Jay, what happened?”

“He’s been so stressed out about—” Okay, he couldn’t believe he was actually telling her this, and maybe it would come back to bite them on the ass later. “Look, when you called Liam, he decided he didn’t want to hang out with us anymore. Austin’s been really depressed about it, and he’s been doing some stuff he shouldn’t, and tonight he fell down the fucking stairs. He could have killed himself.”

“But he’s okay? Did he go to the hospital?” April’s emotion was in her voice, real, and it made Jay like her just a tiny bit despite himself.

“He’s okay.” Jay suddenly felt tired. Tired and sad. “He just bumped his head. He’s lying down.”

“I didn’t mean…
What
stuff he shouldn’t be doing?” The anxiety in her voice answered her own question. “Oh God, is he using?”

“No. Not really. Not the way you and your friends probably do.”

“I don’t! I’m not stupid. You’ve got to tell me what he took.”

“I don’t have to tell you
anything
. Not when you’re hell-bent on ruining every chance he has at being happy just because you don’t like that he moved out.” Jay had always held back with April out of consideration for Austin’s feelings, but what was the point? It hadn’t helped the situation. “He’s been acting like an adult since he was a kid, trying to hold the family together. How fucking dare you try to spoil things for him? Grow up, April. Or you’ll lose him. He’s close to hating you right now.”

“I didn’t realize.” She was crying, not the artificial tears she seemed able to summon at will, but messy, wet tears from the sound of it, hiccupping, catching her breath. “Jay, I didn’t
know
. I thought he was some creep taking advantage of you both.”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Yeah, because we’re so sweet and innocent. No. He wasn’t. We wanted him around, and now he won’t even speak to us.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He could barely understand what she was saying through the storm of tears.

“You’re always sorry, April, but you just keep on hurting people.”

She made an effort to get her tears under control. He heard her blow her nose wetly and take some deep breaths. “I won’t…won’t do it again. I know I’ve said that before, but I mean it. I just…I miss Austin.”

“He didn’t go far.” Jay tried to control his exasperation. “You were always welcome to visit. Jesus, April, stop making everything so life-and-death. He moved out. So will you soon. It’s what people do.”

“I don’t like things changing,” she admitted in a small voice as if she was confessing to a crime.

“Neither does he,” Jay said, “but things do. That’s life.”

“I guess he doesn’t want to speak to me?”

“He’s sleeping it all off, but yeah, better give him some space right now.”

“Tell him I’m sorry? Tell him I love him too. Because I
do
, Jay, I really do. That’s why I—”

“That’s why you can hurt him.”

Saying it sparked a sudden certainty that Liam loved
them
. At the time, Jay had been too concerned about Austin’s distress and his own dismay and anger, but looking back, Liam had been suffering too, he was sure of it. The control he was used to seeing from Liam had been assumed, not natural, as if Liam was holding back words he didn’t dare speak.

Jay ended the call with a woebegone, repentant—for now, at least—April, and went up to the loft. The new diorama he’d started, then abandoned, took up most of the table space, but he didn’t give it more than a glance. Curling up in a sagging but comfortable armchair by the small window, he let himself hope that they could work all this out.

Chapter Twenty-two

After an entire day in airports on his way back from a work conference, with the temperatures edging into the nineties, Liam wanted nothing more than a shower, a drink, and his bed. The icy blast various air-conditioners had pumped out had given him a headache, and squinting into the setting sun as he finally drove toward home had exacerbated it.

Yet here he was taking the road leading past Austin and Jay’s house instead of the one that led to his home.

He’d been missing them more and more over the past weeks, more than he’d ever expected he would. Half a dozen times, he’d held his phone in his hand, his finger poised to complete a call to one or the other of them. An equal number of times, he’d changed his mind and slipped his phone back into his pocket. What he wanted to say to them—but was determinedly avoiding—was a conversation they should have face-to-face.