Room at the Top (36 page)

* * *

In the morning, he found two messages waiting for him in his voice mail. The first was from Austin, who sounded worried and guilty, apologizing for calling but wanting to be reassured he was all right. The second, nearly two hours later, was from Jay.

“
Liam, it’s me. I know Austin already called you, and I guess you fell asleep, or maybe you’re out with old friends or whatever. Um. I’m sure you’re going to call us. You said you would
.” Jay’s voice lowered as if he was trying to keep from being overheard. “
Just, call, okay? Austin’s stressing out about it. Thanks. Um, hope you’re okay. Bye
.”

Liam sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to them. They could be astonishingly perceptive at times, and there was no chance that they’d fail to pick up on his mood. If anything, his doubts about their relationship had multiplied overnight, not lessened.

April’s spite, Rachel’s pragmatic honesty, his own lurking doubts—they made him hesitate and second-guess himself. That feeling was unfamiliar enough to leave him disturbed and on edge.

His phone could send texts, of course, though he loathed fiddling around with the tiny buttons and rarely used that function. Another reminder of the generation gap. With his head pounding from a stress headache, he tapped out a terse message telling them that he was fine but busy and setting up a meeting at his house on Monday night.

He’d be tired from the drive back, but he needed to deal with this as soon as possible and face-to-face.

He owed them that much, at least.

Chapter Twenty-one

Going to Liam’s on a Monday night felt weird, like going to bed in the middle of the afternoon. Not that Jay minded doing that if he had Austin in bed with him. It was nice to think that Liam had missed them enough that he couldn’t wait for their usual Friday meeting. Even if his silence during the time he’d been away had left them both worried.

Jay pulled up outside Liam’s house, parking on the road, mindful of oil leaks on driveways. Liam had really gotten tight-lipped over that and not in a good way. He turned to Austin. “Is it eight? I left my watch behind, and I don’t trust the one in here.”

“That’s because it’s a pile of rust held together with dirt and oil.”

Jay patted the steering wheel affectionately. “Don’t listen to him, sweetheart. He just doesn’t appreciate a classic when he sees it.”

“Yeah, it’s eight. Three minutes past, actually.”

“Shit, let’s go then.” Jay put his hand on the door, then hesitated. “Austin? You okay?”

“Yeah, but I won’t be if we’re late, and neither will you.” Austin had been tense for days.

Liam opened the door while they were still climbing the stairs, obviously waiting for them. He smiled, though, instead of looking stern because they were late. “I take it you’re aware of the time?”

Jay nodded as he followed Austin inside. “Sorry. We didn’t mean to be late.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

That
was new. Of course it mattered. Liam actually cared about them being on time.

“No, leave your shoes on. Come in and sit down. We need to talk.”

“That sounds ominous,” Jay said. It sounded worse than that. He was primed and ready for a session. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to strip naked and give himself over to Liam.

“Austin, your sister called me when I was in Baltimore.” Liam waited for them to sit on the couch but didn’t sit down himself.

Austin looked unhappy but not surprised. “Shit,” he said. “I’m sorry. She came into my work and had a couple of minutes alone at my desk. I wondered what she was up to. I knew it was something but couldn’t figure out what it was.”

“She must have borrowed your phone long enough to find my number.” Liam sighed and reached to his throat to loosen his tie. “I don’t expect you to do anything about her behavior, for what it’s worth. I don’t blame you, and you don’t owe me any apologies. I just thought you should know.”

“Sometimes I feel like I should be apologizing to the whole world for her existence,” Austin said. He was watching Liam like he was waiting for more. No, worse than that: like he was waiting for more bad news. “What did she say?”

Liam waved a hand. “It’s not important. I’m sure you could guess with a fair degree of accuracy, but it doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me,” Austin said. He rubbed his forehead. “I’ll talk to her.”

“
Talk
to her?” Jay said in disbelief. Forget talking. He wanted to go call every one of the boyfriends April had cheated on and tell them in excruciating detail what had gone on. “No way that’s all we’re going to do. Talking stopped being enough a long time ago.”

“Not here, okay?” Austin glanced at Liam, who shook his head and came over to sit on the couch beside him.

“It’s all right. You can talk about this with me here.” Liam was being understanding. That helped.

“I can’t change her.” Austin sounded so upset about it that Jay slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him. “And if I go after her about this, she’s just going to dig deeper until she finds out every little sordid detail of my life. You know what she’s like. She won’t just tell Mom—she’ll probably tell everyone I know, leave anonymous messages at my work. It’ll suck. I can’t deal with that.”

“You shouldn’t have to.” Liam reached out and smoothed Austin’s hair. It was something Jay would’ve done without thinking, but coming from Liam, it seemed significant somehow. The affectionate caress should’ve made Jay relax, but it didn’t. Something was wrong. Liam wasn’t doing anything the way he usually did. “Is it really a problem? Your mother finding out about, well, what you do with me?”

Austin shuddered. “Yeah. Huge. She wouldn’t understand it at all. Being gay, yeah, she coped just fine with that. She was great. This, though…she’d just…she wouldn’t—”

“If it’s not your thing, it seems weird.” Jay shrugged. “It’s kind of ironic, but April probably
would
get it. Not something she’s played with as far as I know, but she gives off this vibe, you know?”

Liam looked at him. “Toppy-as-hell sub? I can picture that, but God help her dom.”

“Hey!” Austin said, his voice sharp. “That’s my sister you’re talking about. She’s not part of what we do in any fucking way.”

“And yet she keeps popping up,” Liam murmured without commenting on Austin’s swearing. The red flags were all over the place now, and Jay’s skin was crawling with tension. “Never mind her for now. I wanted to talk to you about something else.”

Jay felt Austin stiffen, his body rigid. He wet his lips. “Sir?”

Liam winced at that, the smallest of grimaces, but it told Jay what was coming even before Liam began to speak. He felt his heart thud painfully, dread holding him silent even as he chanted
no
over and over in his head.

“When I was away, I had time to think, and without beating around the bush, I feel it’s time to end our arrangement. It’s nothing you two have done, so please don’t feel—”

“I know it’s nothing we’ve done.” Austin’s voice was shaking as he stood, breaking free of Jay’s embrace. He stared down at Liam, his face pale. “Because we’ve done everything you told us to. You can’t just walk away when we’ve done nothing wrong. You can’t punish us like this for something my sister did.”

Jay got to his feet, leaving Liam on the couch, looking up at them, his expression controlled but a flicker of distress in his eyes.

“
Is
this because of what April said?” His voice sounded strange in his ears. “Did she threaten you or something?”

“No,” Liam said calmly. “Well, yes, she did, but that doesn’t have anything to do with my decision. Any of us can end this at any time, for any reason. My reasons have nothing to do with April or with anything you’ve done.”

Jay felt like throwing up. It was one thing to be dumped like this, but another not to understand
why
. “What did she say?”

Liam sighed. “I’d really hoped not to get into it. Would it be enough to say that Austin’s fears are exactly what she’d zeroed in on?”

“Oh God.” Austin looked like
he
felt like throwing up, and obviously Jay didn’t blame him. “Sorry, I have to—” He bolted from the room, and a moment later Jay and Liam heard the sounds of retching from the bathroom.

Jay went to him and ran cold water over a washcloth to hold to Austin’s face when he was done. He didn’t actually throw up, just made miserable noises and curled up on the floor, hiding his face against Jay’s chest. “Shh. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Austin said, voice muffled. “It’s not. How can we stop? We need this.”

Looking up to catch Liam’s eye, Jay hoped his face made it clear what he thought of Liam’s pronouncement and what it was doing to Austin. Liam glanced away, then said, “I’ll get you a glass of water,” and left.

“I don’t get it.” The back of Austin’s neck was cool and clammy against Jay’s fingers. “If we didn’t do anything wrong, then why?”

“I don’t know. But we’ll find out. He’ll tell us.” Jay meant it.

Liam returned with the water, the sides of the glass wet as if he’d filled from the tap in a hurry. It slipped through Jay’s fingers as he took it from Liam, and he had to tighten them to prevent dropping it. He held the glass to Austin’s lips. “Just take some small sips.”

Austin did as he was told, obediently swallowing about half of what was in the glass. He glanced up at Jay, his eyes wet with tears. “I’m okay now. Sorry. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Jay felt like punching the wall and leaving streaks of blood to mar the cool, pale perfection of the surface. “Neither of us did.”

“You’re being overly dramatic.” Liam’s voice was cold and brittle as if a thin layer of ice had formed around the words. “You’ll find someone else. I suggest next time you make sure he’s gay. I don’t think I worked out so well for you in that department, did I? Of course, he’ll want to fuck you, but no one would blame him for that.”

It had been only a few minutes since Jay had gotten out of the car, looking forward to seeing Liam, maybe even hugging him before the session started and feeling Liam’s breath warm against his face. Jay took the glass from Austin and placed it carefully on the floor, out of the way.

Ignoring Liam, blocking out what he’d said for the moment, he asked Austin, “Can you get up?”

Austin nodded, and Jay rose and helped Austin up. He wasn’t doing this crouched down, groveling at Liam’s feet. Liam didn’t want to see them like that.

Liam stepped back, and Jay led Austin out into the hallway. They faced Liam, a gap between them, the empty space around them echoing with silence.

“Is that the real reason?” Jay tried to stay calm. Austin didn’t need more drama; he just needed truthful answers. They both did. “You’re freaking out over the idea that you’re physically attracted to us? What you said before about being able to cope after I blew you, all that bullshit about your friend—”

“I don’t ‘freak out.’ I’ll leave that overreaction to your generation, but yes, it’s part of it. Since I met you two, I haven’t had sex. I can’t live like that.”

“We never tried to stop you.” Austin’s words were almost inaudible.

Liam made an impatient sound. “Yes, I know I could date someone under our arrangement. I had the opportunity to sleep with a woman when I was away, as it happens—but I turned her down. She wouldn’t have been at all interested in what I wanted from her in bed. I’m sick and tired of settling for less. I don’t want to play with you and have a woman on the side for vanilla sex. I want a sub I can fuck. I’d prefer it be a woman.” Liam spread his hands. “You see? It’s not your fault. You just can’t provide what I need.”

There was a brief silence; then Austin said, “Well, that sucks.”

“Yes,” Liam said.

“And it’s not like we can turn into women. Not that I’d want to.” Austin’s hand found Jay’s again and held on to it.

“No. In the long run, this won’t suit any of us,” Liam said. “There’s no point in continuing, knowing that. We’re all likely to be more hurt than we already are.” He paused, then added, “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Jay said bleakly—because how could you argue with the man’s sexuality? If he wasn’t attracted to them—or, Jay suspected, he
was
but didn’t want to admit it—there was nothing they could say to change his mind. “Yeah. We’re sorry too.”

“So…that’s it? It’s over, just like that?” Austin seemed stunned, his grip on Jay’s hand like that of a drowning man’s.

“It would seem so.” Liam looked sad. Jay wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse.

No, screw that
. Nothing could make it better right now. He and Austin just had to keep hanging in there, together, until enough time had passed.

They’d done it before. They could do it again.

* * *

The next two weeks were sheer hell as far as Jay was concerned. Thank God for the library and his love of books. They provided much-needed distraction from the sense of loss he felt. He wished Austin had something similar to cling to, but Austin went to work like a zombie in the mornings and came home like a zombie in the evenings, eyes dull. At night, with the lights out, they had desperate, needy sex that didn’t make either of them feel anything but physical release. It was something, though.

Friday morning—Fridays were the worst and probably would be for months—Jay was determined to start the day on the right foot. “Let’s do something tonight,” he said with forced cheerfulness over breakfast.

“Like what?” Austin was eating his wheat-flake cereal without enthusiasm, still bleary with lack of sleep.

“I don’t know. We could check out that new mall, you know, the one we’ve been seeing all the ads for? They’re supposed to have a lot of restaurants.”

“Okay. Sure.”

Jay got home before Austin that night, and was half listening for the sound of Austin’s key in the door as he straightened up the kitchen. Instead what he heard was footsteps and then a muffled curse and a series of loud thuds that had him springing to throw the door open. Austin was sprawled at the bottom of the narrow staircase, unmoving.

“Fuck. Fuck, Austin…” Jay flew down the steps without caution for his own safety and was incredibly relieved when Austin sat up, one hand to his head.