Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (30 page)

“I’m looking forward to another round of barbaric sex,” Jack said.

Caroline glanced at his empty plate. He’d cooked them pasta. Homemade sauce. She’d been completely impressed. “Managed to load up on carbs,” she said, clearing her dishes and settling in on the couch. Still lumpy. They needed new furniture in the worst way. “Was that intentional?”

He flexed his arm before putting his own dishes in the sink. “So much of what I do is deliberate but in actuality, I was starving.” Jack joined her. “Got any special plans tonight?”

It seemed so wrong to ruin the lightheartedness with unsolicited solemnity. But she had to take the moments when they came. And he’d been dropping hints. Her subconscious had too. The little memories, the phrases, the images in her mind. The reminders that there were some things she had yet to fully resolve.

“I’d like to look at those photos you have,” Caroline said.

Jack eyed her closely. “What photos?”

She couldn’t tell if she’d confused him or if he was simply hesitant to pursue a difficult topic. “Of the girls. And us. I mean, if you still have them.”

“Of course I do.” He put his hand on her shoulder. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was shaky but her will was firm. “I think it’s time.”

“Okay.” Jack took her hand. “They’re in the bedroom.”

If she was going to have a complete mental breakdown as she suspected, it would be easier if it happened in her happy place. Caroline sat on the bed as he rummaged through the top drawer of his dresser. She couldn’t help but remember the last time she’d seen him searching for something in there.

“Is that where you keep all your valuables?” she asked, trying to keep her tone light.

Jack turned around, a few photos in his hand. He wasn’t smiling. “Yes.” He sat down on the bed and put his arm around her, handing her the pictures.

There weren’t that many, maybe three or four. And she knew how precious the items were; if he hadn’t stolen the paper, he probably wouldn’t have been allowed to do it. Even if he was in charge. Not only because of the lack of supplies, but because of the risk of searching online for that type of image. No matter how secure they thought they were, there remained a risk that someone somewhere was monitoring their activities.

Caroline caught a glimpse of a Christmas wreath and closed her eyes. Their first official family holiday photo, taken after Jack had been elected governor. It had been almost two years since she’d seen a picture of her children. She’d spend hours daydreaming about them, reliving old memories, then spend an equal number of days trying to block them out again…but their faces stayed locked away in her mind. She pressed her fingers to the paper, tracing outlines around Marguerite and Sophie. The image blurred and Jack’s arm grew tighter around her.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. You can let it out.”

I’m afraid if I start I won’t be able to stop.
She lowered her head. “I can’t. It’s too hard.”

“Remember when Bill died?”

Jack’s best friend, who’d suffered a heart attack during the summer before the gubernatorial election. After it happened they spent most of their time distracting themselves by cavorting across Pennsylvania. She could never forget the aftermath of Bill’s death. Jack’s emotional distance almost dealt some serious harm to their relationship in the early months of their marriage, but they overcame it. “I do.”

“Remember what you said when I started to deal with my grief?” he asked. “It’s okay to feel cheated, Caroline. And not just when it comes to this.”

“It doesn’t bring them back.” She shook her head. “I’ve spent so much time being upset and what does it accomplish?”

“It keeps you from going insane.” He wrapped both arms around her. “You can do whatever you need to feel better.”

She stared at the photos again. “They were really good kids,” she whispered, before she burst into tears.

Jack kissed her forehead. “They sure were,” he said softly. “We got damn lucky. I hit a platinum mine with the three of you.”

He needed comfort as much as she did but was offering to be her rock. And she’d take it. She could repay the favor later. Caroline buried her nose in his neck. “Do you think they suffered?”

She couldn’t miss the shudder that shook his body. No doubt he’d been thinking about that too. “I don’t think so.”

“But we don’t know.”

“No.” Jack started rubbing her back. “And we may never know. So we just have to hope they didn’t.”

Caroline dug her fingernails into his shirt. “It’s not fair.”

He let out a sob of his own. “I know, baby. I know.”

Who was she kidding? Life was never fair, no matter what advantages you had. Money, power, fame, success…all irrelevant. In the end the cosmos would find some duplicitous way to kick you in the ass. She brought her head up. “What were our operatives able to find out?”

Jack wiped the tears off her face before swiping at his eyes. “Not much. Nothing, to be honest.”

That didn’t make any sense. “Not a trace of them anywhere?”

“We went as high as we could. As many government agencies and contacts as we had.”

“And still nothing?”

He kissed her forehead again. “They likely never made it across the border.”

It was hard to reconcile that outcome with any hope they hadn’t suffered. But they couldn’t do much about it now. And it was so much easier for them to detach themselves, pretend it was an investigation that had nothing to do with the two of them. Caroline wondered how many hours Jack had labored over that reality. “Logically, I know they’re gone. We have no proof otherwise. But sometimes – Jack, sometimes I feel in my heart they have to be out there somewhere.” She sniffled. “Do you think we could check again?”

Jack shook his head. “I doubt it would make a difference.”

“But you thought I was dead. I thought you were dead. Maybe-”

“It’s not quite the same.”

Caroline sniffled again. “I know.”

“I can have them make some inquiries one more time. If it would make you feel better.”

She wasn’t sure about that, but what the hell. “Please.”

He squeezed her shoulder. “Is there anything that happened to you in The Fed that you want to talk about?”

Mo and Feef
. He got points for subtlety. “I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about that.”

“That bad?”

Just thinking about it made her realize that whatever hope she was holding onto was ridiculously erroneous. “They had things. Personal items that belonged to the girls. And they were in bad shape.”

“What kinds of items?”

She tried not to think about the scarf. The hippo. And what they signified. And yet… “Things I gave them before they left. That meant something to me. Something really important.” She shook her head. “Things they would never have discarded.”

He stroked her hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

All those regrets and apologies and words of sympathy. They could build a tower of repentance with the guilt they’d assembled. It wasn’t fair for her husband to carry a burden he didn’t deserve. Not when it belonged solely to her. “We should have gotten them out sooner,” she said. “If we’d left sooner they’d still be alive.”

“You don’t know that, Caroline.”

“We should have run,” she said. “To Europe, Canada, Asia, wherever they’d have taken us. Your money would have lasted us several lifetimes. But we didn’t.”

“You couldn’t have done that, sweetheart,” Jack said. “You would never be able to live with yourself. And neither could I.”

“I could. I would rather have people hate me. I’d rather be thought a coward, or a traitor, or a selfish elitist, if it meant I could have my children.”

“You can’t think about this in hindsight. Stop second guessing yourself.”

When she was on a roll? Self-flagellation was the order of the day. At least she’d let him have a good few hours before she blew it apart again. “I had one job as a mother,” Caroline said. “To protect my children. And I failed. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that, Jack. I just can’t.” She started crying again. “That’s why I’ve had such a hard time letting myself think about them. It seems so disloyal somehow. I don’t deserve those memories. I don’t have the right to remember them.”

“They wouldn’t want you to feel this way. They loved you.”

“There was only one time I asked those bastards for mercy,” Caroline said quietly. “When I thought the girls were gone.” Her voice broke again. “I begged them to kill me. And they wouldn’t. They wanted me to suffer. They enjoyed watching me torment myself. And I’m still suffering. Maybe that means they ultimately got what they wanted.” She closed her eyes. “So many people are dead because of me.”

Jack grabbed her by the shoulders. “You didn’t do any of this. You can’t internalize the actions of others and make them your own. This is not your cross to bear.” He took a deep breath. “And those bastards are going to pay for what they’ve done. I don’t care if it’s personal. I don’t care if we have to set fire to the world and reduce it to ash. We are going to do right by our children. Understand?”

That sounded a little rancorous but vengeance wasn’t all that bad once she took time to think about it. “Try not to take out your anger on anyone currently in our custody, all right?”

He smiled a tiny smile. “We can deal with this, day by day. It’s almost Thanksgiving. Let’s get through the end of the year and figure out our next step from there. The Hague, Edwards, everything. Okay?”

Caroline bit her lip. All of her happy holidays seemed like a lifetime ago. The previous Christmas had been terrible. Maybe she could try harder this time around. For Jack. “Okay.”

When Caroline walked into the kitchen the next morning, Schroeder was sitting at the table across from Jack.

“Oh,” she said. “I’m, uh, going to put on pants.”

Schroeder reddened and Jack let out a laugh. “Yes,” he said. “Do that.”

Their poor assistant. He looked embarrassed as hell. She cocked her head at her husband. “I wasn’t aware we had company.”

Schroeder stared down at the table. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I-”

She didn’t particularly want to have a drawn out discussion while standing there in only a t-shirt. “Give me a minute. Forget this happened.”

When she returned fully clothed, she gave Schroeder a pat on the back. “No harm, no foul. Right?”

He smiled, just a little. “Sure.”

She sat down across from him. “What brings you here on a Saturday?”

“I won’t waste your time,” Schroeder said. “Since it looks like you might want to spend your weekend partially undressed.”

Caroline laughed. “I like that you’re loosening up. Ignore Commander McIntyre’s frowny face. Give us the goods.”

“The folks in Sacramento are fully prepared to back our efforts to bring your story to the International Criminal Court. So the next step is preparing your testimony, filling out an application, that sort of thing. We’ll see what happens after that.”

“That was enough to bring you here on your day off?”

Schroeder smiled again. “Seemed like good news after a nasty week.”

Jack took Caroline’s hand. “Edwards hasn’t been a problem, has he?”

“The MPs got an ankle monitor from the CRA. Not that he’s going anywhere but if he manages to sneak out, they’ll find him.” Schroeder sat back in his chair. “We’ve got two guards keeping track of him at all times. The CRA did offer to hold him in a more heavily monitored facility but I thought house arrest was sufficient for now. Especially from a logistical point of view.”

Meaning he knew Jack would want to keep a close eye on him, both literally and figuratively. “That’s fair,” Caroline said.

Schroeder stood up. “I’ll have the application on your desk Monday morning. That’ll give you the weekend to do whatever it is you were planning on doing.”

Caroline grinned at him. “I plan on thinking
very
hard.”

He cleared his throat. “Sir, ma’am, I’m going to very carefully sneak out your door and erase this conversation from my memory.”

Jack laughed. “Good idea.”

*              *              *              *              *

Jack didn’t ask Caroline about the application until Sunday night. “Have you thought about what you’re going to say?”

She’d been trying to distract herself for most of the weekend, much like he had. “Just going to tell the truth, I guess. I assume that will be enough.” She stared at her shoes. “I might want some privacy to do it, if that’s okay.”

He squeezed her shoulder. “Sweetheart, do whatever you need to do, all right?”

She wished she could tell him everything. Maybe someday. “Okay.”

Jack traced a trail under the neckline of her shirt. “Doing anything interesting right now?”

Caroline laughed. “Smooth move. I’m terribly impressed.”

“I can’t be expected to be suave all the time. Let me tear off your clothes before we go to sleep.”

“Ah, yes. The consensual destruction of clothing. Always a personal favorite.”

He started to unbutton her top. “I’ll make it up to you.”

She tugged at his hair. “That you will.”

Jack wrapped an arm around her waist. “Up you go. Let’s be woefully and banally traditional and fuck in the bedroom.”

Caroline laughed as he guided her down the hall. “You’re an incurable romantic.”

“Shh.” He shut the bedroom door. “Stop being so verbose. And don’t think about the stresses of tomorrow.”

Still a mind reader, even when he was stressed himself. “Then hurry up and get naked. I don’t have to think when you’re inside me. I just have to feel.”

Jack kissed her neck, patiently letting her remove his pants. “I know I’ve said this before but why on earth wouldn’t you let me do this to you months ago?”

“Because,” Caroline said softly. “When you touch me I get all confused.”

He chuckled. “I know. But it would have made you feel so much better.”

She pulled off his shirt. “Make me feel better now.”

“I will,” Jack said. “But I like when your brain gets involved when we’re in the sack.”

“I didn’t say I lose my mind,” Caroline said. “But you make it so I can’t think straight.”

“But that’s a good thing, right?”

Caroline moaned as he knelt down to kiss her stomach. “A very good thing.” She ruffled his hair. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Kiss the scar.”

He looked up at her. “Because it’s the most beautiful part of you.”

How could she formulate a proper response to that? She closed her eyes and sighed as he laid her down on the bed. “I’m starting to think your efforts at romance aren’t half bad.”

“I still want to fuck you. Maybe I’ll forego the romance next time.”

“No,” she whispered. “I like that part too.” She brought her lips to his in a punishing kiss, their teeth clashing together, and smiled when he moaned. “You like that?”

He pinned her shoulders to the bed. “Not as much as you do.”

His aggression was a welcome turn-on. “I love you,” she whispered.

He started rubbing her arms. “Say it again.”

“I love you.”

He moved his hands down her torso. “Again.”

She’d say anything if he would just get inside her. “I love you.”

He glided a finger back and forth across her panties. “Again. Don’t stop saying it. Not unless I tell you to.”

“I love you.”

He teased her a little more, running his fingers across her panty line until he finally slid them inside her. “You’re wet.” He smiled. “I didn’t tell you to stop saying it.”

She gasped. “I love you.”

He worked two fingers in, swiveling his thumb in a circle around her clit. She dug her nails into his chest.

“You like that?” he whispered. “Don’t answer. Not unless you say the three magic words.”

“I-” She stared at him, unable to speak. And he must have seen the arousal in her expression because he stopped moving his thumb. She moaned her frustration. “Please,” she said.

“That’s not it.”

“I love you,” she said. “Please.”

Jack kissed her. “Good girl. Now I’m going to let you come.” He pressed his thumb to her clit again, crushing his lips to hers as she writhed against him. When he pulled back he smiled at her.

“Say it again,” he said.

She laughed, cuddling into his neck. “I love you.”

He stroked her hair. “I know.” She could feel his cock pressing against her stomach. “Guess what I want.”

It was only fair to make him work for it first. “Your turn to say the three magic words.”

He tugged his boxers down as she hastily discarded her panties. “I love you,” he said. “Say it back.”

She whimpered as he pressed his cock into her. “I love you too,” she said softly.

“You do?” he asked. “Even when I’m fucking you like this?”

Caroline grabbed his hair in her fists. “Especially when you fuck me like this.”

They lay there, side by side, with him moving inside her and her not saying a word. She cried out when he went deep, but mostly smiled and whispered his name. He was gentle but rough, kind but raw. Not nearly as acrobatic as some of their previous sessions, but exactly what she needed.

“I love you,” he said again. “I love you so fucking much.”

She held onto him tighter until he was finished and buried his face in her hair. Neither one of them spoke until Jack said the last thing she expected.

“You need to go to The Hague,” he said. “We both do. Regardless of the outcome of this process. If the application isn’t good enough, we go anyway.”

Any ambivalence had vanished. She pulled back to look at him. “Did getting laid make you think of that?”

“No. But everything that’s happened, everything that’s been dredged up…we have to demand they listen to you. It’s the only way.”

“What about Edwards?”

“He’ll need to come too. I’m sure they’ll be quite interested in what he has to say.”

And if it was up to her he wouldn’t be making any return trip to California. “Then let’s do it,” she said. “Let’s work on our diplomatic plan.”

*              *              *              *              *

She hadn’t slept much, but it didn’t matter. Sex was a great distraction from reality. Caroline got little done the next morning, daydreaming about the night she spent in bed with Jack. If she wasn’t careful she’d let her fantasies get the best of her and go marching across the hall to see him, and she couldn’t have that. She had to focus. They exchanged a few emails but he kept his distance, knowing she needed to concentrate.

She was sitting at her desk, trying to put pen to paper or, more accurately, words to computer. It was more emotionally trying than she had anticipated, and she’d had to take quite a few breaks. When she went to lunch with Natalie, she was quite tempted to swing by the apartment to have a drink before resuming the process. She wasn’t expected to provide a tremendous amount of information but it was draining just thinking about it. She dreaded the prospect of having to recount it all in person.

There was a knock on the door, and she looked up. Jack peeked his head in. “Everything all right?”

“Yeah,” she said. “This isn’t easy.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?”

Caroline shook her head. Her emails must have sounded more flailing than she’d intended. “I need to do this myself.”

“What about Schroeder?”

That was definitely out of the question, even if the guy was sympathetic as hell. “No.”

Jack took one of the chairs across from her desk and cocked his head to the side. “Are you listening to Fleetwood Mac?”

Caroline had spent most of the day distracting herself with streaming music. “
Rumours
. Their best album, in my expert opinion.”

“What song is this?” Jack asked. “I don’t recognize it.”

“‘Songbird,’” she said, and looked down at her desk. “One of my favorites. It makes me think of Chrissy.”

“Should you be listening to it under these circumstances?”

She pulled her head back up. “Makes me feel better, actually.”

Jack crossed his legs, staring at the back of the computer and listening to the lyrics. “It’s beautiful,” he said. The song ended and the next track began. He smiled. “So, which song makes you think of me?”

Caroline rested her cheek on her hand. “It’s not ‘The Chain,’” she said, since that was the song that had just started. “It’s one that never made it onto the album.”

“‘Silver Springs’?”

Didn’t he get points for paying attention. “I’m impressed, Commander. Never took you for a Fleetwood Mac fan.”

“I like to surprise you.”

“Was that a lucky guess, or were you serious?”

“I know my seventies music,” Jack said.

“Do you think it’s an appropriate choice?”

“Depends. Are you comparing me to Lindsey Buckingham?”

Caroline laughed. “No. I just like the song, some of the lyrics notwithstanding.”

He leaned over the desk to kiss her. “I like it. I like you.”

She smiled shyly. “I like you too.”

He kissed her again. “Why don’t you take a break?”

“From what? I haven’t been able to get anything done.”

“It doesn’t have to be much,” he said. “I’m sure The Hague will take anything you say very seriously.”

That’s what I’m worried about.
“It’s hard,” Caroline whispered.

Jack stood behind her at the desk, rubbing her shoulders. “Why don’t you pretend you’re writing the letter to me? Tell them what you talked to me about.”

“I can’t tie it to Santos,” Caroline said. “I know that’s what the ICC is going to want. What California wants.”

“Don’t worry about that. They can help connect the dots. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out those orders were coming from on high.”

“Do you think it’s safe, outing myself like this? I don’t want to compromise the movement. I can ask to be kept anonymous but it will be pretty obvious who I am.”

Jack frowned. “Is this because I was a little hesitant before?” He knelt down next to her chair. “Sweetheart, we didn’t have any sense of direction before you showed up. Now we have a purpose that might spur some action. Just tell the truth. You can give these folks the bare bones and fill in the blanks later.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with taking Edwards along with us?”

“He’ll be in shackles at the back of any goddamn plane, that’s for sure.”