Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (28 page)

“It might help if you talked about it.”

Hadn’t they covered this topic before? “No, it wouldn’t.”

“You don’t talk about any of them – the girls, Christine, your other friends.”

Because I killed them.
“What does it matter? They’re all gone.”

“I need to talk to you about them. It would help both of us. Your daughters were such wonderful people. And they were so much like you.”

He kept pressing the issue. She couldn’t blame him. He was right. She was the only one he could trust with his innermost thoughts. “Jack, don’t do this,” Caroline said. “We’ve had such a nice couple of weeks. Don’t wreck it.”

“We’re getting closer to ending all of this. And you’re getting so good at talking about things. I just thought-”

Thinking got them both into trouble. Maybe they needed to stop doing it so much. “I can’t talk about that,” she whispered. “Please don’t make me.”

“I miss them, Caroline. I miss our children. I miss Jen, and Kathleen, and Ellen, and Tom and Jess. I even miss Christine. The only reason I was lucky enough to have them in my life is because of you. I think about them all the time. I miss them.”

It seemed wrong to deny him an emotional outlet. A sympathetic ear. But she wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. “I don’t want to talk about them.”

“What happened to them – all of them – isn’t your fault,” Jack said.

Jesus Christ. He sounded just like Natalie. “The hell it isn’t,” Caroline snapped. “If I hadn’t insisted on causing trouble, they’d all still be here.”

“You didn’t do that by yourself. We made the decision together. Do you regret it?”

Almost every day.
“I don’t know.”

He moved closer to her on the couch. “You should not blame yourself, and you should not regret your actions. Understand?”

How could he say that? Was he unaware of his own cognitive dissonance? “I can’t help it.”

Jack put his arm around her. “Caroline, we talked about this. God only knows what might have happened if we hadn’t done what we did. It could have shaken out any number of ways and none of the outcomes were good. You know this.”

Of course he was right. It didn’t make it any easier to digest. And she told herself not to cry but dammit, she hadn’t exactly had an emotionally neutral day. “I-” She bit her lip. “I can’t do this. Please don’t make me.”

He stared at her, tears in his eyes. “You have to,” he whispered. “We both do.”

Even with all their emotional upheaval, he hadn’t cried that often. And that was enough to push her over the edge. Caroline let out a sob. “I want them back. I want them all back.”

He wrapped his arms around her. “I want them back too,” he said shakily. “I miss them so fucking much.”

She didn’t want to talk. She just needed him to hold her. Even if they were both crying. So she held on and wept with him until he pulled back.

He rubbed his eyes. “That was cathartic. How do you feel?”

“Lousy.”

Jack cupped her cheek. “Beating yourself up doesn’t do any good. You need to stop viewing yourself as a failure. Everything you’ve done up to this point has been nothing short of amazing, including talking to Schroeder today. I am so proud of you.”

Caroline turned away from him. “I’m not amazing, Jack. I’m not even tolerable. I got my children killed. I got my best friend and her family killed. I don’t see how that makes me anything less than a monster.”

She expected him to try to encourage her. To talk her out of the moment. It hadn’t happened often lately, but she would still find herself sinking. And she’d catch him sinking as well. But they never let the other person drop too far before lifting them out.

“I can’t tell you what it was like,” he said softly. “When I thought you were gone I held out hope that they were okay. That even if I lost you, I could still have them. But all of our connections made it clear. There were no records. They never arrived. And there has never been any activity on their accounts. I died a little when I finally accepted the truth. Thinking you were gone devastated me and knowing they hadn’t survived all but killed me too.”

“Jack-”

“I need you, Caroline. I need you to talk about this with me. Even if it hurts like hell we have to do it. We can cry our guts out but we have to process it as well.”

They couldn’t do it when they were both falling apart. It would do neither of them any good. “Okay,” she said. “But I can’t do it right now. I’ll try. I swear to you, I’ll try.”

He kissed her again. “That’s all I want.”

She gave him a watery smile. “Why don’t we head over to the cafeteria and find some friendly faces to cheer us up?”

Jack patted her hand. “That sounds like a fantastic idea.”

*              *              *              *              *

They ran into Flaherty in the cafeteria, which worked out well since they were able to hash out the next course of action for the rebellion. Flaherty didn’t seem too shocked that Caroline had spoken to Schroeder; on the contrary, he looked rather pleased.

“We should move up the meeting with our informant,” he said. “See if he has any valuable information to supplement whatever report you might make.”

Caroline tapped her fingers together. “He’s ready for that sort of thing? I thought he was still in the hospital.”

“He’s been outpatient for a few days.” Flaherty cleared his throat. “The two of you were occupied so I neglected to mention it to you. I apologize.”

She looked over at Jack, who laughed. “Keith, we weren’t
that
busy,” he said.

Flaherty grabbed the apple off his tray. “Hold onto that shit when you can. I’m not going to interfere with it.”

Caroline grinned. As far as the rumor mill went, things were definitely on the upswing. Now that Jack’s advisors were starting to loosen up with her, maybe she could push it a little. “Does the entire base know we’re, you know-”

Flaherty shrugged. “They know you’re not fighting.”

Oh boy. “I-”

He patted her hand. “At the risk of sounding unprofessional, I don’t think it’s an issue. Frankly, I’m glad to see it.” Flaherty pointed the apple in Jack’s direction. “Makes this guy a lot easier to deal with.”

The man seemed to be a friend to Jack, and he’d never had all that many friends to begin with. If Flaherty was comfortable with her it was good for her husband. “I guess that’s all that matters.”

Flaherty shrugged again. “You’re married and you’re virtually attached at the hip. Nothing vulgar about that. Just be in love for a while.”

She smiled at him before turning to Jack. “I like this guy.”

“Even when he was being nasty to you during training?”

“No,” Caroline said. “That’s something we can deal with later.”

Flaherty polished off his piece of fruit. “We’ve gotten off track. Our informant. Tomorrow. Briefing room. You two can examine the intel we’ve been pulling out of him for months. See how he might hold up under tougher questioning.”

Jack hadn’t told her a damn thing about the guy, just that he’d been in deep. She figured she could ask all the important questions when the time came. “Tell me about him,” Caroline said.

“Name’s Edwards. Federal worker. Started funneling info to the rebellion early last year. He’s the one that got us the prisoner records you saw, as well as some other supplemental information.”

That was good but Caroline wanted a bit more. If he was on the inside, he had to be privy to more than just documents. “Can you give us an idea of what he saw?”

Flaherty didn’t like that change of direction at all. “Well,” he said. “He spent some time at The Fed.”

Jack gave him a sharp look. “You never told me that.”

“He only told us a couple of weeks ago. Seemed reluctant to admit it.”

Jack turned to her. “Does that name ring a bell?”

“No,” Caroline said. “But there were a lot of people in there. I didn’t get all their names, or even their faces. How long was he at The Fed? And when?”

Flaherty shook his head. “You’d have to ask him that. I wasn’t in the room for that conversation and our interrogators haven’t finished their notes. They’ll be bringing them to tomorrow’s meeting for review.”

“Does he know that Jack and I are here?” Caroline asked.

“He doesn’t know who you are. Only that two important members of the former Underground are leading the movement.”

Jack covered her hand with his. “I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.”

Yeah, that gnawing feeling in her gut was probably a coincidence too. “This changes everything,” she said.

“Then we’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

Of course he’d want her to let it go. To keep from spouting off unless she had good reason. But he had a point. Speculation would get her nowhere. And with a full stomach and an exhausted mind, she knew where she wanted to be. Caroline picked up her tray and nodded at Flaherty. “Tomorrow morning.”

Tired. She was so tired. But Jack had that look in his eye so how could she deny him?

“We’re going to try something different tonight,” he said, leading her into the bedroom.

“Oh?”

“I don’t mean sex.” He shook his head. “Let me rephrase. We’re going to have sex but we’re going to shake it up a little.”

Normally that sort of statement would pique her curiosity but something about his tone threw her off. “I see.”

“We’re going to turn that lamp in the corner off.”

The lamp she kept on all the time, even when they weren’t home. The one she checked before they went to bed. Nope. Not a chance. She shook her head back and forth.

Jack took her hand and led her to the lamp, flicking off the switch. “Yes,” he said firmly. “It’ll be fine. You just need to remember that you’re safe and you’re with me. The window lets in some light. Focus on that.”

“I can’t-”

He led her back to the doorway. “You can. You always could. Just focus. Close your eyes.”

“Why tonight?”

“You’re ready. And you need something to distract you.”

Caroline would have preferred a nice game of chess to a potential trigger. She couldn’t do this, even with his help. Didn’t he know what the darkness did to her? How she reacted? “Jack, the nightmares-”

“You haven’t had one in weeks and the amount of artificial light in the room will have no bearing on your emotional well-being. Not when you’re with me.” Jack kissed the back of her hand, guiding her fingers to the light switch. “You can do it. I’ll help.”

“I-”

“Close your eyes,” he whispered, wrapping one arm around her shoulders from behind. “I’m right here.”

The warmth of his body helped her refocus. He was right. She
could
do it. He would help her. Caroline shut her eyes and flicked off the light.

Jack kissed the back of her head. “You’re fine,” he said softly. “Open your eyes. It’s okay.”

She blinked, trying to ignore the dark shadows in the room. Trying to keep that annoyingly vulnerable shake out of her voice. “I don’t like this.”

He lowered his arm until it was around her torso. “You’re fine. It’s not completely dark. You can see the room. If you turn around you can see me. Concentrate.”

“Jack-”

He slid his hand down her body. “Or don’t concentrate,” he murmured. “Whatever’s easier.” He bit her earlobe. “Are you going to be a good girl and let me undress you?”

He was good, she had to give him that. Any hesitance or hitch in her voice was no longer caused by the lack of light in the room. “Yes.”

“Do you want to take my clothes off too?” he asked, when he was finished.

She was shaking so hard she could barely stand, and Jack guided her to the bed. “I think it would be easier if you took care of that yourself,” she said.

Caroline was so distracted she couldn’t even enjoy the limited show. He was right. She could see. Just not well. But the erection that popped free when he slid his boxers down was anything but invisible. Jack slid onto the bed beside her.

“Still nervous?” he asked.

“A little.”

He pressed his fingers between her thighs, and she automatically widened them for him. “Relax. You’re safe. Remember that.” He slipped a finger inside her and she turned onto her side, leaning back against him. “Close your eyes again,” he whispered. “The dark can be good. Remember that. Remember what you and I used to do in the dark.”

She moaned as he stroked her. “Don’t stop.”

He kissed her hair. “I won’t. I’m going to fuck you, and you’re going to feel me on top of you, and you’re going to see me, even in the dark, loving you. Don’t be afraid.”

She could do this. He was with her and she was safe, even if she occasionally felt that roiling panic she couldn’t quite explain. “Okay.”

Jack rolled her over on her back, easing on top of her and kissing her forehead. “What do you see?”

She blinked. “I see you.”

He drifted his fingers down her neck, over her breasts, past her stomach to her thighs. He spread her legs with his knee, pushing his cock inside her. “What do you feel?”

She arched her back. “I feel you.”

“How does it feel?”

She bit her lip. “Good,” she said. “It feels good.”

He kissed her cheek. “Keep your eyes open. Look at me.”

She wrapped her fingers around his biceps. “I am.”

“Calm down,” he said. “Remember where you are. Who you are. And who you’re with.”

If he’d move inside her she’d forget anything bad that ever happened to her. She just knew it. “Please,” she whispered.

Jack kissed her. “I’ll take that hint anytime.”

*              *              *              *              *

She let him talk her into leaving the lights off as they tried to rest. Caroline knew the panic might still overtake her, but her husband’s presence proved to be an effective distraction. A safe one. A comforting one. A tear slipped out and she sniffled.

Jack nuzzled her hair. “Sweetheart?”

Of course he’d pick up on it. He was attuned to her every reaction, no matter how small. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t mean to get emotional.”

“Of course you do,” he said, but she could hear the grin in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

She rolled over to hug him. “I’m just really happy.”

“You are?”

“I cry when I’m happy.”

“I know. You cry when you’re sad, too. Sometimes I don’t know which is which.”

She laughed and pressed her nose into his chest. “I don’t know why you put up with me.”

Jack rocked her back and forth. “I do. So, I make you happy?”

“Yeah.” She laughed again. “I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. I think I forgot what it was like.”

“Having sex in the dark was what finally made you happy?”

She kissed him. “
You
make me happy.”

“Does this mean we can keep the lights out when we sleep?”

Poor guy. He accommodated her so often that she sometimes forgot it wasn’t much fun for him. “Sick of trying to fall asleep in a lit room?”

He yawned. “Kinda.”

She snuggled closer. “Maybe if you hold me all night we can work on this whole darkness thing.”

“I’d be happy to provide you with sex on the regular if that helps.”

Of course it did. “Wanna do it again?”

He rolled on top of her. “The night is young, baby. Really fucking young.”

*              *              *              *              *

She wanted to wear her fatigues. He talked her into wearing street clothes. Didn’t want to seem too intimidating, he said. They’d be in a room full of advisors and if this informant was as valuable as they hoped, they wanted him to feel comfortable.

But there was something in the back of his mind that put Jack on edge. Couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Perhaps it was his fear that Caroline wasn’t quite ready to assume the mantle of leadership he’d placed upon her. No, it wasn’t that. He trusted her completely, knew she was where she belonged. Maybe he felt a little guilty for ignoring the man who’d almost died at the hands of his former employers, the man Caroline had almost died helping to save.

It certainly couldn’t be the man’s time at The Fed. Caroline hadn’t recognized the name. They didn’t know the details. They’d have to deal with their informant’s flaws, but they could move beyond. And Jack was sure his unease would fade as soon as they were able to hash things out and get a better feel for what the man knew. What he’d seen. What he’d done.

But for now, Jack was going to focus on how snugly those jeans clung to his wife. He kissed her neck. “You look gorgeous.”

She spun around. “Dammit, I’m changing into my uniform.”

He pulled her closer. “You can do that after the meeting.”

“Now I’m going to worry that you’ll be looking at my ass all morning.”

“I do that no matter what you’re wearing.”

She smiled. “Last night was pretty good.”

Hell, yes. They’d had sex three times and even managed to sleep for a few hours. In complete darkness. He would store some of that experience in his memory bank for later. “I may never turn the lights in this room on ever again.”

Caroline tugged him toward the door. “We’re going to be late, Commander. And we mustn’t keep our people waiting.”

*              *              *              *              *

She stopped off at the ladies’ room on the way in. Jack suspected she was going to give herself one last look in the mirror. Maybe he should have let her wear the fatigues. He didn’t want her to feel self-conscious. He flipped through the files on the table while he waited for Caroline to arrive, stealing a glance at the man seated at the end of the table. He was rather battered, with his arm in a sling and his leg in a cast. A wheelchair in the corner since he was fairly immobile. His hosts had been none too kind to him. Very few of his injuries had been inflicted in the escape. They’d slowly been extracted over months of trying to figure out whether the man was a double agent or a worn out federal employee.

Which meant part of their plan had failed. Santos knew it was a rescue mission and not a kidnapping. But they had their intel and their man and they were going to use him for everything they could get.

On the whole the man was unexceptional. Another nondescript white male who could easily blend into a crowd. Maybe those were the men that Santos preferred at his side. Made sense for this guy to turn. He could get inside, get information, and never get a second glance from anyone.

Jack heard Caroline’s voice behind him, greeting their advisors. Heard the smile in her voice. Heard it fade. He turned around, gesturing at their guest. “Caroline, this is-”

“I know who he is,” she whispered.

Maybe she was confused. “Patrick Edwards,” Jack said.

It took a minute for him to notice the change in her posture. To see her hands slowly clench into fists. Her eyes widen, her breath quicken.

“He spent some time at The Fed.”

Jesus goddamn Christ, how dumb was he to have failed to make the connection? Edwards had probably used aliases. Fake identities. Hell, the name he’d given them might not be real. And it was Jack’s own fault for dropping the ball because he was too busy fucking his wife.

Caroline lurched forward. Fuck that. If anyone was going to beat the shit out of this asshole, it was going to be him. Jack wrapped his arms around her waist, yanking her backward before vaulting at Edwards himself.

“You son of a bitch,” he hissed. “You fucking son of a bitch.”

Edwards had one good arm and one good leg. By the time Jack was finished with him he intended to make sure the man would be in a wheelchair for the rest of his days. He lost track of how many punches he threw. How many of his advisors came over and tried to break up the fight. Not that it was much of one. An invalid was no match for a hot tempered husband hell bent on killing his prey. He shoved Edwards to the floor, pummeling him again and again, cursing and swearing. Hell, if he was going to get himself demoted or kicked out or whatever it was they did to commanders who violated every single rule in whatever book they created, he was going to make it fucking count.

Flaherty tried. Ballard tried. Schroeder tried. He shoved them all away. It wasn’t until he felt a soft, feminine hand on his shoulder that he even hesitated.

“Stop,” Caroline whispered. “He’s had enough.”

Oh, was she suggesting now was the time for virtue? For him to be the better man? No. He wasn’t done yet.

“Which one was he?” Jack asked her. “Tell me.”

She seemed surprised that he cared. “Powell.”

“They did – they hurt me.”

She’d been sparse on the details but perhaps that made it worse. Because if she couldn’t tell him what they’d done, it couldn’t have been good. Jack stood up, shoving the other man against the wall and pressing his forearm against his throat. “Do you like torturing women?” he asked.

Edwards gasped for air, flailing his one good arm. His eyes widened as his face turned purple. Jack smiled. He’d enjoy this, until the man took his dying breath.

*              *              *              *              *

“I want to kill the bastards who took your spirit away. Every single one of them.”

Caroline had to stop this. Even if she herself had contemplated doing the same thing just a moment ago, she knew it wasn’t right. She placed her hand on her husband’s shoulder. It hadn’t worked the first time but he was starting to cross a line, one from which he couldn’t step back.

“Stop, Jack. He can’t breathe.”

He barely flinched. “I don’t care.”

Caroline didn’t know why all of their advisors hadn’t stepped in at once. Surely ten men could rip one man off another. Unless they thought he deserved to get in a few licks. Jack was a man possessed and she had no idea how to break the spell.