Remember Me (44 page)

Brian L. MacLearn

and mind, including her new indifference to me, coupled with the death of Stebben, it had taken all the wind from my sails.

I parked my car behind the Buick Regal in front of me. I watched a couple of cars ahead as Amy and Tom emerged from their vehicle. She briefly glanced my way and then focused on the muddy pathway in front of her. Seeing her walk along the path now made me think back to the conversation we’d had two days ago. From the moment she’d called me on the phone and asked to meet with me, I knew that something major was up. My gut told me it wasn’t going to be good. I heard it in the sound of her voice coming over the phone. My day had already been spent with FBI Special Agent Jennings, and I wasn’t in the best of moods when she called me. After a quick and emotionless conversation, I agreed to meet her at the southern entrance to Falling Rock Park at six p.m. Jokingly, I asked if I should bring a picnic supper, silence was my answer. That was the moment I knew “the end” was really in sight.

I got to the park early. I don’t know why? I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Amy…not under these circumstances. I sat on the park bench facing the entrance to the south side of the park. From here I could watch the ducks on the pond and also keep a close eye out for Amy’s car. At precisely six, she pulled up in her Toyota Camry. She got out and took a moment to look around before she headed my way. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she had large burgundy sunglasses on. She was dressed in blue jeans and wore a light-weight beige jacket. The temperature was in the upper sixties, but she looked dressed for much colder weather. The first thing that caught my atten-tions was how pale her complexion was. She moved towards me with a deliberate focus.

“Hello Pete,” she said with very little emotion.

“Hello Amy,” I said back to her. My heart felt like a day old discarded patch of gum, stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and S 332 S

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my voice sounded the same.

She sat down on the bench, as far away from me as she

could without falling off the end. The distance between us was cavernous. “Thanks for taking the time to see me; I’m sure you have more important things that you need to do than to deal with me.”

She said a lot in that comment, “Deal with her…more important things,” I prepared for the worst. “No problem at all. I needed a break from the grand inquisition,” I said with a poor attempt at a chuckle. I was trying to interject some lightness into our conversation. It was nearly impossible to do with the way I felt.

“I bet,” she said, the smallest wisp of a smile playing at the corner of her lips. “By the way, how’s it going?”

“I survived the rack and the water torture, but nearly

caved in when they tried to burn me at the stake…thank God no-one had a match.”

Amy laughed out loud and for a moment her face softened

before it hardened like her resolve. She was a compilation of mixed emotions and wanted to say what she had come to tell me. I could see the feelings within her, beating her up as she tried to come to grips with what she had to do. She wasn’t quite ready so she asked, “You’ll be at the funeral?”

“Yes. And you?”

“We’ll be there, pretty much everyone will. I only know

of Rita and Christy not coming. Stebben was really liked by everyone.”

“Not by Tom,” I quickly interjected, the anger apparent in my voice. I instantly wished I could take it back.

Amy shot me a fatal glance. I could tell by the look on her face. Only the protection of her sunglasses saved my eyes from burning out of their sockets. “Does it matter?” she said with anger and resentment.

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“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m just upset with everything that has transpired, and I didn’t mean to insinuate…”

She cut me off by throwing up her hands in an attempt to ward off some unknown evil presence and then said, “I know.

I’m sorry too!”

“How are you getting along? Any health concerns or are

you doing okay?” I asked with honest concern.

Amy stiffened, and I could sense that I had just hit on a very sore spot. “I’m not okay and I won’t ever be again,” she said. Her voice conveyed the emotional anger of her statement. “The explosion, the physical and emotional stress, and the God knows what…” She stopped and tried to recapture

her solid ground before continuing. Her hands began to shake, and she clasped them together to stop them. I believe those hands had done a lot of trembling recently. She started again, this time more quiet and with much apprehension, like she wanted to talk and tell me, but felt like she shouldn’t, “I had a breakdown and collapsed at home a couple of days ago…”

I pictured Amy at home and getting the news about

Stebben’s death. With everything going on that she wasn’t even aware of, it was a miracle that any of us were still alive, but I couldn’t ever tell her that. She didn’t understand that I would never be able to face anyone again, nor would I have the ability to truthfully look them in the eye. Stebben’s death would rest on my shoulders forever. I would never be able to cleanse his death from my spirit...and I didn’t deserve to.

Amy went on with her statement, “Tom was out in the

yard and he rushed to me when I called out, but…so much

blood…I…” Her head swung down and her shoulders slumped

forward. I knew what it was before she could finish telling me.

“I…we lost the baby.”

“I’m so sorry,” it was all I could say. I didn’t know whether to reach out and hold her, or sit still and wait for her to come S 334 S

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to me if she needed comfort. I had no way of expressing the guilt that was building up inside of me. I was a bag of destructive emotions ready to pop. Three deaths now sat firmly on my shoulders. I took full responsibility and would gladly give my own life to give them back theirs.

“It’s even worse. The doctor said I would be extremely

lucky to ever conceive again.”

Her last comment hit me like a sledge hammer. I’d just

added three more very special people to the growing list of the deceased by my hands. If I could have felt worse, I don’t know how. Amy’s life and the part of her that made her so special had been efficiently eradicated by me. It was now very likely that she would never know motherhood, at least not from bearing her own children. I was more at odds within myself than I had been when I lost Emily. The disgust I felt for myself was nothing short of pure hatred.

“Tom didn’t take it very well. As you can imagine, he

blames you…all the negativity on the news, condemning you.

I never believed any of it, and I’m glad they’re saying you have been absolved of any wrong doing, but…”

“I never meant to hurt anyone, especially you,” I said it more to myself than to Amy. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. No matter what she said or believed—I was guilty and any judge and jury would condemn me to the gallows for my deeds.

“I know that, and maybe underneath all his anger, Tom

does too. It doesn’t much matter now, what is done is done.

Only time can heal the wounds and tomorrow is another day.”

My thought was not about tomorrow, but about twenty

years from now. I was determined more than ever to make

amends for all the wrongs I had done within this lifetime. I prayed that the wormhole, or whatever it was, would be there waiting for me. I would come back again and if this current me S 335 S

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was here at the same time, I wouldn’t hesitate to stop him no matter what the cost. I would then kill myself before I could cause any further damage.

Amy slid her sunglasses up on top her head. She reached

out her hand towards me and placed it on top of my knee.

“You have been a very special friend, and I’m sorry that all this has happened to you. I hope you will be able to start again.

Tom has accepted a job in Chicago, and we will be selling the house and moving in the next month. I’m going to miss E.M.J.

and…” her voice dropped to a whisper, “…you too.”

My heart jumped into my throat, and I could feel the tears waiting to cascade down my cheeks. I blinked them back the best I could, and gently placed my hand on top of Amy’s hand,

“This time with you has meant more to me than you’ll ever realize. I completely understand the need to start fresh. I wish you nothing but the best in the future, and I hope the doctors are wrong, for all our sakes.”

Amy wasn’t sure how to take my statement, and after a

moment, withdrew her hand from underneath mine. “I’ll be available over the next month to finish up anything you might need me to help you get done. I’d even be happy to help you find another person to take my place.”

I smiled and raised my head to look her in the eyes one

last time, “Don’t worry about it. Consider yourself and Tom paid in full this month. It will be my gesture of understanding and appreciation for all you two have done for my company. I won’t be rebuilding E.M.J. The time has come for me to move on. The insurance settlement will be enough to pay the final bills, and I have more than enough money to retire comfortably on. I believe fishing would be a welcome change of pace for me.”

I’m sure if I could have read Amy’s mind, it would registered a great sadness. It was written in her body language and S 336 S

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in her eyes. I’d never given her the impression, as I was now, of someone who had totally given up. She didn’t truly understand the ramifications of everything that I knew. If she did, she would hate me for the rest of her life. There was nothing else to say, and Amy rose to leave. I stood also. Awkwardly, we hugged goodbye. I watched her walk back to the parking lot and get into her car. I hoped it wouldn’t be the last time I ever saw her.

I was wrong of course; here she was at the funeral. I looked sidewise towards her and caught the full brunt of Tom’s maniacal grin in return. I knew who he was going to work for, and my best guess was that Samuel and Mark would end up

there too. I could be wrong, but money talked. The only thing I had going for me was that Winslow only had the last couple of chips. The mother-load they thought they possessed was a bomb ready to explode. The original chip from my phone and much of the supporting documentation Stebben had created was squirreled away in my safe room at “Mt. Chipmunk.” They had an edge, but not for long. Should I ever want to jump back in, I could. The thought was already beginning to take root.

I’d lost nearly everything. Letting Winslow walk away free and clear wasn’t sitting very well in my stomach.

After Amy’s proclamation at the park, I spent two days in self hatred and drunken thinking, neither of which had gotten me any closer to the answers I sought. I had not been contacted by J.W. Winslow, nor did I believe I ever would be. His actions, or reactions, were quite clear. I clearly understood the implied threat. Go quietly into the sunset, enjoy your money and keep your mouth shut. It was the new arrangement he

now offered. It had not been formally discussed, and it was not written down anywhere, but I took it very seriously. There would be no obvious retribution on my part. There were too many lives still at stake. Mine was not worth anything, but S 337 S

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those of the people I cared for were now more priceless to me than ever. I had time, and for once time might just be on my side.The funeral at the grave site ended without anyone pointing their fingers at me. I still felt them, imaginary though they were. I decided to skip the gathering and meal at the church. I really didn’t have the desire to face everyone at the post funeral wake being held at June’s home, Stebben’s aunt. She’d been very polite to me at the church, and I didn’t get the feeling she harbored any bad feelings towards me. I didn’t want to bring an already depressing day any further down with my presence.

I had gotten the inkling from June that maybe Stebben had shared some important things with her. She hugged me and told me I would be okay. Here it was her day to be consoled, and she was the purveyor of some much needed consoling instead of being the recipient.

J.W. had sufficiently circled the wagons against me. I was officially a loner. Mark, Samuel, Tom and even Amy avoided me. I might not be the suspect of choice any longer, but I still had “the plague.” I’m guessing Tom had the most to do with the others opinion of me. He was a manipulator and Winslow was getting a perfect employee to groom. I wondered what his new position would be. How much of his soul and Amy’s did he sell to get what he wanted?

By two o’clock I was heading back on Interstate 80 to Des Moines. Barring any other major catastrophes, E.M.J. could officially be ready to be put down by the end of the month.

The memory of what my company stood for would never be

lost on me. It represented what I had lost, and I would always make sure to remember what it stood for. I would spend the rest of my time—in this time anyway—doing what I could to be humble, generous and hopeful. The last one would be the toughest task of all.

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Next week, I would meet with Jason Arnute at Gametech.

I stayed away from him at the funeral, and playing his part as well, he never even acknowledged me. Gametech would be his company from now on. I would make sure any ties I currently had to it would be severed. I neither needed, nor wanted any part of it. Jason would be free to conquer the gaming world on his own and with my blessing.

For all appearances, I would be retired and living out my life as a secluded and private citizen. Behind the scenes, and with nothing but time on my hands, I would find the means to help those I had hurt and to make sure that Stebben’s murderer would ultimately pay. I had an idea and plenty of time to let it play out. After I loaded-up the few remaining pieces of my life from the house in Des Moines, Emma and I headed north to Mt. Chipmunk. I was feeling a little bit like my old self again. New purposes and Emma’s canine ability to make me smile, melted a little of the thick layer of ice around my heart. Only time would tell if I could find the silver lining in the vast rain cloud that enveloped my life.