Remember Me (20 page)

RemembeR me

no less the heart wrench of grief that I would have felt if Emily had died in my arms. My loss was so other-worldly intense—

because I knew it had been me who had killed her. It didn’t matter that a son had been born and he was healthy. He wasn’t mine, and I would never get to know him. Lost, was the little girl who held on to my hand when we crossed the street on her first day of kindergarten. Gone, was the teenager who bought me a leather-bound journal and told me I could be a writer.

Forever erased was the beautiful woman who stole the heart of my son-in-law.

Time would never heal this wound and I made a solemn

pact with myself to find a way to undo what I had done. It was obvious to me that the encounter with Tami at the grocery store had been the event which triggered the change. I wished no ill on the new baby boy, and I was sure he would be loved by all. My mother would have her own bouts of sorrow and loss, mostly because she would empathize with me, but in the reality of this time, she had never really known Emily. As long as I steered clear, I knew she would rebound and enjoy her new baby grandson.

I had no destination, no direction. I just blindly walked along. “God, what have I done to warrant this punishment?”

I hoarsely shouted skyward. My faith was low and my anger growing by the minute. I was full of hate, mostly of myself.

I walked across a bridge, and the thought to hurl myself off it was strong. Only a far-off glimmer of hope kept me walking across it. Die and Emily had no chance whatsoever! Live, and just maybe, I would have another opportunity to put it right. Destiny or parallel universes no longer mattered. What I needed to accept now was that the wormhole which brought me here could do so again in another twenty-four years.

I needed to believe it, had to believe it for the sake of my daughter. Nothing I could do in this time mattered in S 147 S

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importance any more. My life had but one purpose. I had to live and survive the next twenty-four years. When the wormhole reappeared, I would return here again and set straight what I had caused to go wrong. My judgment was cloudy, and my knee-jerk reactions were probably insane. I knew it, and I didn’t care. Time would not comfort me, and hell could now freeze over! I would never forget! In my mind I could hear Emily calling out, “Remember me Daddy!”

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April 24th, 1987

Over the last
year, I had nearly succeeded in cutting off all contact with my parents. I just couldn’t put them through anything else. They needed to live in this time not mine. My time in Decorah had been short-lived. Two months after Carter’s birth, I moved to Des Moines to hide in the big city. I left my parents no address and no phone number. It was my sister who finally found me. She had always been the determined one.

Stacy was a smart lawyer. When she knocked on my door, I wanted to shut it in her face. I just couldn’t do it, so I stood there looking at her.

I broke the silence by saying, “Hey Sis!”

“Hello, little brother,” she replied in-kind. “Going to invite me in, or do we just talk here in the doorway.”

“Come in,” I sighed, holding the door open so she could

make her way in.

“Let me guess…CJ, right?”

“Yep, and it only took one phone call. I convinced him if he didn’t spill it; then when I did find you, I would make sure you wouldn’t offer him any other glorious insights. He sold you out right away, even offered to drive me here from the airport.”

Leave it to my sister to track me down. She took off her light-weight coat and tossed it on the back of the couch. She took one look around my apartment and complemented me on S 149 S

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the grandeur of the place: “I see you put a lot of thought into how to decorate in early hermit. I love how you let the natural light capture the inner beauty of caveman contemporary.”

“It will do for now,” was the only response I gave.

“I see, planning on running away after our visit, hmmm?”

“Thought crossed my mind.”

“Don’t,” she said, “I’m not here to scare you. I totally agree with you leaving the folks out of it. The shuttle incident and Carter’s birth nearly did Mom in.”

“By the way, how is Carter doing?” I asked. I really did want to know. In some strange way he was still my blood. He would never take the place of Emily in my heart. He was her replacement. I had to think of it like that. It was the only way I could marginally survive. I wondered if he had any of Emily’s characteristics, it was a personal thought and would never be a question that I asked Stacy.

“Good, growing like a weed.” My sister responded. She

could see the hollow look begin to fill up behind my eyes and she changed the direction of her talk. “I have a proposal to make to you. Before you say anything, I want you to hear me out.”

I really didn’t care what she had to say, I wasn’t planning on doing anything other than surviving the next twenty-three years. I’d just barely managed to survive the last one. It had to get easier as I went along. “Speak all you want…can’t promise I’ll be listening.”

“Good enough for me,” she said and moved around the

couch. I followed her and plopped down in my favorite recliner. My sister took a seat on the couch so she could face me slightly from the side. “Andrew, I’m not going to pretend that I even understand your feelings. It would be stupid of me to think that I could.”

“You’ve got that right,” I said a little more hostile than I intended for it to come out.

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Stacy recoiled from my verbal slap. She sat back deeper

into the couch. To her credit, she kept the self-determined look upon her face. “I remember the conversation that we had before the shuttle incident, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I’ve read everything I can get my hands on dealing with wormholes and time travel. Did you realize one of the leading experts in this field is a professor at Iowa State?”

I had to admit that Stacy had suddenly gotten my attention,

“Really,” I said this time with a less hostile tone in my voice.

“Really,” she mimicked me. “Dr. Jasper Thurington, doc—

torate in physics, expert in quantum theory,” she threw back at me.

I had to laugh. Her comment had me remembering the

television show, “Quantum Leap.” Sam Becket I wasn’t, nor would I ever be. “I’m just remembering an old TV show that had to do with time travel, it was based on quantum theories,”

I said. “If I remember right, it starts in the early nineties; you’ll have to watch it. Now that you’ve brought it up, I might even audition for the lead role. I should be a shoe-in. I’m the only one with practical experience.” I couldn’t keep the irony of my situation inside. I started to chuckle to myself.

My sister raised her eyebrows and then stared me down.

She ignored my sarcasm and said, “I think you should go see him.”“See who? The show’s producer?”

“Don’t be an idiot, little brother. You know who I mean.”

“Sorry, couldn’t resist. Why would I want to see Dr. what’s his name?”

“Thurington. I believe he might add some insight to what has happened to you. He might be able to help you predict if the wormhole will be there or not down the road.”

Stacy’s comment hit home with me. All of my hope to restore the damage I caused rested on the chance that a wormhole S 151 S

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would appear twenty-three years from now and in the same place. What if I was wrong in my assumption? I couldn’t take the chance at failing Emily. It wasn’t worth the risk. “I’m listening!” I said. Leave it to my sister! I was now very interested in what Stacy had to say.

“I’ve got something I need to say to you first. You know me, the lawyer—can’t shut her up,” Stacy said chuckling more to herself than to me. “I know you believe that being here…in this time is a mistake. Maybe it is, but just maybe it isn’t. Our family has always been strong in our beliefs…God and country…Amen,” again she chuckled, but this time her baby blues were locked-in on mine. “Let’s suppose for one moment that destiny, or fate, God…or the Wizard of Oz brought you here.

Why? And why you?” She let the statement hang in silence for a moment. She was now deep in to her full-throttled trial voice.

“You don’t think that I haven’t thought of all this…hundreds…thousands of times already. The day that Emily died, I could have ended it all. I walked across the bridge and nearly convinced myself to jump.” My voice began to gain in volume and take on a sharp edge. “I don’t buy it. I’m here because of dumb luck, nothing else. There is no great plan, no hero, no destiny, just the here and now…that’s it…period.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Stacy said, her eyes slowly beginning to brim with tears, as she began to click her fingernails together. I knew I’d hit her in a bad spot. Whenever she would get anxious or worked up she would revert to that old habit of her childhood. Speaking quietly, she went on, “Everything you say might be true, but what is also true is the fact that you have seen the future, and you can make a difference in the lives of those around you! What if you can’t ever go back? What if the wormhole no longer exists? Not many people, in fact, no one will ever have the knowledge that you do and the power to wield such positive change!”

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I was silent. I needed to think through her comments.

I’d already been down this road and the outcome was nothing short of disastrous. I thought I’d moved on. I wondered if the real meaning of her visit wasn’t in all ways something more personal to her. I let that thought settle in. Maybe she needed some form of validation, a black and white answer to the puzzle of “me.” It’s all most of us ever want—an answer to the questions of how and why. I couldn’t give it to her. My heart was too full of anger and bitterness. I hated myself, and for once in my life, I really didn’t care about anyone else.

“You can’t go on hating yourself and feeling sorry for yourself too,” she said after blowing her nose. “You let the genie out of the bottle and only you can put him back in. For every wrong you have committed…and I mean wrongs by accident,

you have the ability to make four rights, even thousands of rights. Andrew, it’s not about what you do, it’s about what you don’t. Emily isn’t a part of this time, but she’ll always be a part of your time. No one can take that away from you. The one thing that you can’t change…at least for now is this: we are all living in a new time, because you are here. Our future is no longer predetermined. Even if you do nothing it will continue to change. You said it best: A ripple on a pond that continues to spread outward.

Stacy continued, “It is apparent that the events you remember are not clearly written in stone after all. You can make a conscientious choice to live or hide, to help, or turn your back.

It really is up to you. By facing the situation in front of you, you might actually get a chance to wake up from the dream, and once again be who you once were. In the here and now, you are just one of us. You can choose to walk away. It would be a shame! You are special because of what you know. It’s time to forgive yourself and face the challenges that lie ahead.”

I was beat, and my shoulders sagged in direct proportion S 153 S

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to burden of guilt I felt. Stacy, in one massive swoop, had torn my heart apart and then inserted some hope in to it as she put the pieces back together. She had been totally sincere in her message, and I realized she was trying to give me some hope.

She was right about a lot of the things she said. I didn’t agree with all of it, but I had to give her credit for winning over the jury. I simply said, “I’ll think about it.”

Stacy’s eyes noticeably brightened, she knew me too well.

We both knew that I had conceded to her reasoning; and dang it if I didn’t feel better. I said, “What are you suggesting?”

“I think we need to see Dr. Thurington, get his opinion.

Best case scenario—he buys into what you represent, and

we, and I mean we, form some type of strategic alliance with him. We move forward and build the company you talked so passionately about. Maybe use some of the revenues to fund his research…who knows. Along the way, you use your vast knowledge for the greater good of world.”

“When did you get to be so smart?” I asked her.

“I had to study hard, no shortcuts,” she answered. “It makes me good at my job!”

“No doubt about that,” I threw out, as I got out of my chair and down on my knees in front of her. I pulled her into my embrace and whispered in her ear, “Thanks sis.”

“No problem, little brother.”

“One question though,” I asked as a new thought crossed

my mind, “What’s the worst case scenario?”

Stacy laughed and pulled away from my embrace, “He

loses out on millions of research dollars and book signings.” I joined in with her laughter, and it felt good.

Stacy stayed with me for the next couple of weeks. She

understood a lot more than I had given her credit for. In a special way, she became my guiding light—challenging me to see beyond my own convictions. When she returned back home

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to New Mexico, she was going to prepare the incorporation papers needed to establish our new company. The way she

managed to weasel her way into it was no different than how she had bossed me around when we were kids.

One day, out of the blue she made a comment to me, “You

know Andrew, I like you a lot better now that you’re an older brother,” then she burst out in laughter.

I did what all brothers do—smacked her on the arm. I was grinning madly as she grabbed her arm, while letting out an over-exaggerated, moan-filled, “ouch.”

“I’m still your younger brother. I have the birth certificate to prove it. I just can’t get my hands on it at the moment,” I said laughing with her.

“According to the birth certificate you keep in the bottom drawer of the desk over there, you were born way, way earlier than me; however, if what you say is true, then you look awful for your age!” This time she gave my arm a smack.