Remember Me (18 page)

I was very mistaken.

Standing along side of her parents, we watched as the medical staff started turning off the monitors. Of course there was a nurse on the other side documenting Ash’s vitals during the whole procedure. I kept my eyes on hers, waiting and praying that she would wake up. It’s not like the movies. She didn’t just open her eyes and start talking.

Very slowly she woke, after a good amount of time. I kept staring at her eyes, waiting for them to flicker and show a sign of life. Up until this moment there was still a chance that all of this would have been for nothing. I kept my hand in my
pockets, balled up waiting and praying to see that movement that would show us she was coming around.

When it happened I almost jumped forward, wrapping my arms around her and telling her it was all going to be okay.

I’m glad I didn’t.

Ash awoke slowly, first only noticing the ceiling. The doctor put his hands up signaling for us to give her time. I actually just
appreciated that he was still in the room. At her own pace she started trying to move her head, but struggled to complete the task. The doctor approached the bed and started checking her out, asking if she could hear him and telling her where she was. I expected her to answer him, using full sentences and being aware that something had happened to her, but I was wrong, again.

Ashley answered by blinking
and only part of the time. Mostly she laid there looking straight, unable to communicate. As patient as we were, standing there waiting for our turn, I started to realize that my fears were true. She was going to have to learn how to talk, walk and be able to communicate again. This wasn’t something that would be fast and my heart ached for all of the time she was missing out on with her kids. Every day they were growing and doing new things.

After hours
at the hospital, being sent out of the room, waiting for her to get back from scans we were finally given some time to talk to her. I could tell she recognized her parents. Her face changed slightly when they came into view.

Slowly, I approached the bed, touching her hand ever so slightly. She didn’t move, but her eyes got big and my worst fears were true.

She didn’t remember.

The way she looked at me was like a stranger had come in and violated her. The rush of pain hit me so
hard that I had to leave to the room. I couldn’t bear to see her so suddenly afraid.

It was
understandable that it would take time, but seeing that reaction made it all so apparent. She was going to have a very long road to recovery, and for now I wasn’t going to be a part of it.

After saying my go
odbyes, I left the hospital, and headed home. I’d taken the day off in hopes of a miracle and instead been given what felt like a death sentence.

My sister greeted me at my door, but backed away when she realized the look of shock on my face. She said nothing as I climbed the stairs and headed into the master bathroom.

I’d no sooner picked up a trowel and opened the can of mastic when I tossed it angrily across the room, baring no shame for my outbreak. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I couldn’t ever remember a time when I felt so lost and alone. Ashley told me that she knew when love was real because she felt as if she couldn’t live without that person she cared for. My love for her wasn’t just real. It was everything.

Pain swept through me as I tried to come to grips with what had happened. I knew that it would take time, but seeing her so confused as to why I was there hurt me in ways I never knew possible. I could no longer be strong and hold in feelings, acting like everything was going to be alright. The truth was that I didn’t know.

I didn’t know if she was ever going to come home to me.

I didn’t know if
she’d ever remember our friendship.

Our love for one another.

The twins.

I couldn’t take all of the thoughts rushing into my head at the same time.
My sister forced her way in the room, falling to the floor beside me. She said nothing as her arms wrapped around me from behind. I placed my hands over hers as I finally let myself go.

I sobbed like I’d never seen a grown man do. I cried in that bathroom for what may never be, for what might never come. All of my hope was dissipating, leaving me alone and helpless. There was nothing I could do for her. There was nothing I could do to bring the twins their mother. It was a good chance that the person lying in that hospital would never be the woman that I was in love with.

Had it not been for Peyton, I don’t know how I would have been able to manage the twins. My emotions were all over the place and I didn’t have the will to move from that spot. She sat there with me for what seemed like forever, saying nothing as I wept.

I supposed I should have felt embarrassed, but she never judged me. I think my pain radiated to her. Her sniffles from behind me let me know that she felt what I was going through. She knew exactly why I’d lost it and her heart ached just the same.

The sound of a baby crying left me in that bathroom all alone again. Finally, after coming to grips with the fact that I couldn’t sit there forever, I stood up and started cleaning up the mess that I’d made after losing my shit.

Later on I found my sister downstairs. She was sitting on the couch in a semi-renovated living room. Her feet were curled up on the
cushions and her arms folded as if she were chilly. I picked up a blanket and covered her before sinking down into the couch next to her. My hands covered my face and I leaned my elbows on my knees. “What am I goin’ to do, Pey? How am I supposed to keep movin’ forward when I don’t know if she’ll ever come back to me?”

My sister leaned forward and put her hand on my back. “Don’t give up, Shayne.”

“You didn’t see her today. She didn’t know me. She couldn’t talk, but I could see it in her eyes. She doesn’t remember our life together. What if she never remembers me at all? What am I goin’ to do?”

Peyton tried her best to comfort me, but it wasn’t like she could make things better. “You can’t give up. The doctors told you this may happen. Just give it a couple months. Let her go through the therapy and see where you’re at.”

“I keep waitin’, but it’s almost like she’s not there anymore. What do I do if the woman I love never comes back? God, how am I supposed to look at those kids and know she’s out there livin’ a whole separate life without us?”

“You’re gettin’ way ahead of yourself, Shayne.
It’s been one day. You’ve got to come to grips with this being a long term thing. She’ll recover, but you’ve got to have patience and faith. It’s the only way.”

She was right, but it was so much easier said than done. I wanted my life back and feeling so withdrawn from her made it seem as if it was never going to happen.

My sister kindly changed the subject after a few minutes of awkward silence. “Would you be alright if I moved in here with you? Obviously you’ve got the room. I can help out with the twins and even keep things clean around here. You know how much I love them, and how I’d do anything to make things easier for you.”

I sat up and put my hand on her knee. “Yeah. You can bring your stuff here. You’re already here more than you are at home.”

“Actually, I’ve been stayin’ at Jamey’s house a lot.”

I had no idea that she’d left home. “When did that happen?”

“When dad started bossin’ me around and I couldn’t take it anymore. One day when he was at work I packed all my shit and put it in my trunk. Between here and Jamey’s I’ve got all I need. The thing is, we haven’t exactly been gettin’ along.”

“Did he do somethin’ to hurt you?” Not that I needed any added drama to my life, but that was my sister and I’d be damned if I let someone hurt her.

“No. Nothin’ you need to worry about. I’m fine, I promise. Besides, maybe this is where I’m meant to be. Let’s face it, you need me as much as I need you.”

She was right about that. My sister was
always there, even when she was screwing things up, she’d never left my side. I owed her so much already, including three weeks back pay from taking off so much. Letting her move into the spare room was an easy choice. It wasn’t like Ashley was coming home any time soon.

“Well, the room upstairs is yours. Paint it whatever color you like. Just don’t make it an eyesore. I want the kids to have a real nice place to grow up in.”

Peyton looked around the room. “You don’t have much left to do. Give it a couple more weekends and we’ll have this place lookin’ brand new in no time.”

“I hope you’re right, because after today I’m afraid of what’s goin’ to happen. When dad finds out Ash’s not comin’ home, right away, he might make good on him tryin’ to take the twins from me. I can’t let that happen.”

“Shayne, you’re their dad. It’s not goin’ to happen.”

The thing was that I wasn’t their
dad and my brother knew it. At any given second he could take all that I had left away from me. Without them I’d surely not want to live and I didn’t know how to not be afraid of it happening.

Chapter 24

Shayne

It wasn’t hard to stay busy considering that I had a new job and two growing twins at home. I did the best I could staying focused, taking my new job seriously, while trying to not think about Ashley and the kids too much.
Her progress was slow, but it had been three weeks since being taken off the machines and it was good knowing that she was at least alive, after the scare of not knowing if we were going to lose her.

Ford had given me a great opportunity. He’d put me in charge of purchasing, and given me a small office in the same area as his. Of course, because he w
as my boss his was huge while mine was small. He liked to joke that our offices reflected our penis size.

Dick.

I had no problems going in early in the morning and getting right to work. To be honest I considered myself great at my job. I knew how to handle clients and was familiar with all of the parts. There were certain aspects that I had to get familiar with, but I caught on quickly and felt that Sky’s father was happy with Ford’s decision to give me a chance.

For a while I visited the hospital
every day. After the first month of her being awake the doctor ordered the physical and mental therapy to begin. The first thing they wanted to do was assess how much memory loss she’d sustained. Obviously I’d seen her recognize her parents, so somewhere along the way she’d lost everything else.

Day after day they’d subject her to different tests to pinpoint the time frame they were working with, but it wasn’t until they asked for pictures that it all became obvious and ended up taking another part of my heart and ripping it to pieces.

Ashley couldn’t speak, but she was learning to communicate by blinking or hitting a button, when necessary. If she recognized someone or remembered the moment, she’d signal. If she had no recollection, she’d remain calm with no movement whatsoever.

I happened to be visiting when they started with the pictures for the day. There had been a pile that her mother handed over to the therapist. In that pile was a few pictures of us as teenagers with my cousin Ford. I waited patiently as they went through early childhood photographs and watched a spike in her monitor or saw her facial expression change. As the pile got smaller I had hopes. I’d known Ashley for years and was sure that a picture would trigger at least a response to that, letting me know that I wasn’t a stranger to her.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t me that got the biggest response.

My heart pounded when I knew my photo was next. I watched the therapist display the photo and saw her eyes get big. It was so exciting, so emotionally amazing to see her respond the way she was. Then, as the woman pointed to Ford, I realized that her amusement wasn’t about seeing me. Ashley was responding to Ford. Her heart rate increased and everyone in the room could tell that she obviously remembered him clearly. It almost seemed like she was trying desperately to communicate verbally. Tiny sounds came from her mouth and then I watched her lips trying to make an F sound. I was okay at first, realizing that it was progress, but as they continued, she just kept repeating the F sound, trying to say my cousin’s name.

Aside from the obvious feeling of it being as if I’d been kicked in the gut, I knew I wasn’t what Ash needed, or who.

Against all that my heart could take, I called my cousin and pretty much begged him to come to the hospital. I knew that if seeing Ford’s picture had gotten that much of a reaction, then finally seeing him in person could make a huge jump with her recovery.

It took my cousin an hour to arrive and he wasn’t exactly happy about being there, but he did it for me, which I’d be forever grateful for.

Now, I hadn’t thought about the way it would make me feel seeing them together. I hadn’t considered that in Ashley’s mind she was still in love with Ford. According to the picture they were happy and a couple.

From the moment he walked into the room I felt my future with her disappearing. I watched those beautiful blue eyes brighten and almost a smile form across her once unresponsive face. Real tears fell from her eyes as if she’d been waiting for him the whole time. I knew it was love in her eyes, because it was the way she used to look at me.