Regret Me Not (28 page)

"You promised me forever. You never broke a promise to me before. Don't you dare start with this one."

"Did I promise you happily ever after?"

I shake my head. "I didn't think you had to. I thought it was a given."

He pulls me close and crushes me against his body before engaging me in another long, tender kiss.

"Nothing in life is a given, so I'm promising it now."

I wince as I squeeze my arms tight around him. The pain has broken through, and as happy and satisfied as I am, I can't hide it or keep it at bay any longer.

Brayden strokes my back, bringing on a wave of pleasure that outweighs the pain.

"I'm so sorry, you shouldn't be here. You should be home resting."

"Then you need to take me, because I'm not going anywhere without you."                                                          

He stares into my eyes, not saying anything. The moment drags out. I know whatever he decides right now will determine the course of our future. I know I did all I could. I left it all out on the field. I let out a long, relaxing breath as I wait, no longer afraid. I trust in him and I have faith. Most of all, I have the greatest feeling welling up and growing inside me: hope. Hope for the future. Hope for us.

He lifts our joined hands. "Forever?"

"Forever!"

Epilogue

I wipe my sweaty palms on my skirt. I really hope no one can see me behind these partitions. It's what Sabrina calls "the staging area". My body trembles and I'm not sure I can do this. What if I fall on my way out? What if lose my nerve and my mind goes blank?

Brayden wraps me up in his arms. I breathe him in and immediately my confidence comes soaring back.

"You're going to be fantastic."

"I don't know about that. You know how I hate being the center of attention."

"Baby, you've been the center of my universe for over three years now. You seem to enjoy that."

"You're different."

"If it makes you feel better, everyone else has been watching you during that time too."

"It doesn't."

The sick, nervous feeling that I'm about get reacquainted with my lunch has me breaking out into a cold sweat. Brayden flashes me his sexy, flirty smile, while running his hands up and down my arms.

"Get through this. If you don't want to do it ever again you don't have to."

"Get through it. Easy for you to say. I'd have an easier time if we were trying to find a partner for a threesome."

Brayden's eyes light up, the corners of his mouth curl into a smile. "Really?"

I slap at his chest. "Calm down there buddy, it was a sarcastic comparison, that's all."

"But still, just so you know, I wouldn't be opposed . . ."

"Forget it!"

"Sure get my hopes up just to dash my dreams."

"Your dreams? Really?"

He breaks out into a full smile, and no matter how frustrated he has me, I can't help but notice how much brighter the area around us is.

"You know you're the only one I dream about." He brings his mouth to my ear and whispers, "The only woman I want in my bed." He steps into me, with his hands on my hips, his mouth finds the crook of my neck. "The only one I want wrapped around me . . ."

"Please, give it a rest," Jessica lets out a long, exaggerated huff.

"You're only jealous that Carlos isn't here."

She folds her arms "Damn straight. I can't believe he ditched me to go to his uncle's wedding. I mean, it's not like it's his first marriage. And he'll probably do it again anyway."

"Way to think positive."

"You're one to talk. Brayden doesn't leave your side."

"What can I say, I know my place," he teases.

Her phone chimes. "Oh shit," she pulls it out to check who's calling. I can tell from the smile on her face it's him. "He's wishing us luck. Good thing, too. I forgot to put it on vibrate."

"Don't worry, I intend to give him a blow by blow play of how you ladies knock their socks off. And, Jess, I'll be taking plenty of pictures to put on your website."

"You're the best." Jessica gives Brayden a kiss on the cheek, and I narrow my eyes at her.

"Hands off," I say. "Keep your hands on your own guy." I warn.

"Are you ready?" Sabrina sneaks behind the partitions and stands by my side.

I nod.

"Oh, I can't believe I almost forgot, you can't go out there without this."

She shoves something at my chest. My eyes fall to my hands as I take hold of it. I catch my breath as I look down at the cover of the book I'm holding. Looking at the picture, a calm settles over me. Now I know I can do it.

"Are you good?" Brayden asks.

"I am now."

"Great. Let me go find a seat. If you get nervous, just look for me. I'll start giving people bunny ears to make you laugh."

"Okay."

He kisses the top of my head and slips away.

Jessica looks down at the image on the cover of the book in my hands. "See," she says with a smile, "I told you I'd make it better."

"Have I told you lately that I love you?"

She rolls her eyes in mock annoyance, "Again with this love crap. Listen, I don't think these women want to sit around and sing Kumbaya."

"No worries, sis, I know my voice would crack all the windows."

Jessica pulls me in for a last hug. "I'm glad he gave us a minute alone. I don't want to compete with him for your attention," she says pulling me in for a hug. "I know he'll win hands down."

"Don't tell me you're getting soft on me."

"Never!" she says giving me one last squeeze.

I look down at the cover of the book again.
Remembering Julian.
They used one of the pictures Jessica took. It's beautiful, and he looks like a little cherub fast asleep.

Only a week after losing Julian Jessica dragged me to her therapist Arlene for the first time. Arlene convinced me to keep a journal about Julian, my pregnancy, and how I felt about them both. I tried to get out of it by explaining I didn't really like to write. Instead, she suggested I speak into a recorder and then write it down, simply, as if it were being spoken. She wanted me to take special care in describing how I felt through the various stages of grief.
Who knew I could write?
I didn't that's for sure.

She had me talk about things that helped, and things that sent me spiraling into depression. The nursery was especially difficult to deal with. In fact we didn't deal with it. We shut the door on it, literally. And decided to keep it that way until we are ready to revisit the idea of having a baby.

I had no idea while going through the motions of life, Arlene had something special in mind. I was clueless, until she told me how incredibly lucky I am and what a bitch Karma is.

"Why are you telling me this? What's your point?"

"My point, Mackenzie, is it's time to give back."

She never mentioned that she shared snippets of my, "helpful heartache," as she called it, with another client. Of course it was all confidential, but when the other woman wanted to put these words of wisdom in a book, Arlene came clean about where they originated from. Before I knew it, she was connecting me with her patient, who just happened to be a hot shot literary agent. And then life took off at hypersonic speed. Suddenly I had an agent, a book deal, and an advance on royalties. Paying for college was no longer an issue, at least not in the immediate future.

To make certain the books sell, Sabrina plans to have me speak in front of local groups, at libraries, book-stores and in hospitals. When I say local, I don't mean just in our small town or county. I mean local as in, the tri-state area. If it goes well she wants me to tour across the country. Tonight I'm making my public speaking debut. Hopefully I'll get through this, the first of many talks, with a bit of dignity and pride.

My life isn't the only one that came together after Julian died, it happened for Jess and Brayden too. Suddenly Jessica knew what she wanted to do with her life. And she was happy. Those two things seemed like polar opposites until then.

Jess spends countless hours coordinating with organizations that specialize in dealing with the death of a baby. She set up an informative website, and when contacted, Jessica goes to the hospital to help the families create special memories, like the photo's and footprints she took of Julian. Her real job is assisting the social worker at the hospital where Julian was born.

"It's only temporary," she assures me. "Until I get my degree. Then I'll put her out of work."

I question my sister’s wisdom in taking on such a depressing job.

"Don't you worry it might bring you back to that place where you felt like you needed something to get by?"

She laughs, like she knows some big secret I'm too young and naive to understand.

"No, Kenzie. Those days are far beyond me. I know who I am, and I know what's right. I'll never go against those things again. Besides, this is perfect. I get to help people. Really help them, so they don't end up where I was. It's what I always wanted to do. And best of all, I know I'm making a difference in their lives."

I can't argue with that. My little prince left quite an impression on his aunt. I'm not surprised. Everything about Jess changed from the moment he was conceived.

And then there's Brayden. I close my eyes and I can still smell his cologne on me. I smile. He bunched up his classes again so we'll have more time together. Last semester it wasn't such a big deal, I stayed overnight with him in his dorm room every chance I had. I only took two classes while I worked endlessly to get this book written.
The time together was wonderful, and necessary.

At home, I found him spending time at our old high school, helping the coach run drills with the football team. Some of the juniors and seniors were pumped having him there since they actually played with him. They were thrilled when he started showing up at games. I know although he might try to deny it, football is too big a part of his life to just give up.

"Kenzie," He called out to me after spending a few hours at the field. "Coach said, if I get a degree in education, he'll use whatever pull he has in the district to get me in, and then he'll groom me to take over when he retires in a few years."

"It'll take you a few years to get your degree."

He lifted me up and swung me around. "I know. It's perfect. Until then, I'll volunteer and help him out." He placed me down on the ground and inched into me, his mouth skimmed over my neck, his hands on my ass, pulled me against him. "Once I'm working full time, we can start trying."

I pulled away. It's a conversation I'm not sure I'm ready to have.

"Hey. The doctor said it should be fine. You're young and healthy. It was a freak thing to happen to someone so young."

I feel like I'm betraying Julian by thinking of another child.
A
point I want to make
.

"I don't know."

"Well I do." He worked his magic with his tongue and lips, and brought me to a place where I'd agree to anything. "I can't wait," he says pressing his hips into me. "In fact, there's no reason we can't practice right now."

"Right now? In the middle of the day?"

He picked me up, tossed me over his shoulder and carried me down to our bedroom.

*

A million thoughts cross my mind as I walk out to the lectern in front of the grieving women. I remember how hard those first days were after Julian died. The shock of losing him.
Support is vital
. I make a mental note to make sure I stress that point

I find Brayden immediately in the crowded room. He's standing in the back, his eyes shining. I think of how my life has changed since he drove me to the hospital the night my sister OD’d. Not in a million years would I believe I'd be standing in front of a group of women looking to me for hope and comfort. If love is measurable, my love for him is off the charts.

I focus on how comfortable and confident I am with him looking on rather than on the people here. So much for the small intimate group Sabrina promised. I look out and estimate there are at least seventy women seated, waiting to hear what I have to offer.

I hope it's worthwhile.  

I look down at the book one last time. I hold it up for everyone to see, and I'm ready to begin.

"This is my son, Julian. He was an unexpected miracle." I see them watching, holding on to my every word. "He changed the course of my life, and gave me a taste of Heaven.”

The end

If you or someone you know has suffered the loss of an infant please know that my heart goes out to you, and there is help available.

http://www.sayinggoodbye.org/

The Saying Goodbye Services are the first national set of remembrance services for people who have lost a child at any stage of pregnancy, at birth or in infancy, whether last week or 80-years ago.

http://www.gracefulgrieving.com/?gclid=COjaqtnG_b4CFcqhOgodugkAhQ

http://www.babylosscomfort.com/grief-resources/

*

Reviews are important for both authors and readers. If you enjoyed Regret Me Not, please recommend it to a friend or review it on Amazon.com