Regret Me Not (23 page)

"I didn't. I swear."

"Yes, you did. You said you just kissed, and that sounded like a lot more than kissing."

"That's not what I said. I said we didn't have sex."

"You said you were only together the one time."

He nods, his eyes not leaving mine. "It
was
just one time."

I look away, I can't look at him. Jess sidles up next to me and whisper shouts, "Take it to the car."

I turn to her, ready to snap.

"Kenzie, he came here to surprise you."

"How did he know . . . You were texting with Brayden?"

"Yes. And it's a good thing he showed up when he did. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you argue. Take his hand, plaster a smile on your face and get to the car."

I shake my head, "I don't want to go with him."

"You don't have a choice. You need to work this out, and I'm not going to let you come with me, so get your ass moving."

"Jessica's right. If Alana is watching us and you show her she got to you, she'll taunt you all semester."

I should listen to them, I know that, but, I'm too irrational to do what makes sense. I know I have no right to be hurt and angry but I am. I take his hand, and let him lead me to his car in silence. As he opens the door for me I feel my lunch coming up. I'm certain I'm going to throw up. Good, I hope I throw up all over his car, all over him. That thought brings a smile to my face.

Brayden doesn't speak until he pulls out of the parking lot. When he does, I wish I could shut him up again.

"I know it was hard for you to hear. And I'm sorry. I should've been the one to tell you, but Kenzie, it's over. It's done, there's nothing I can do to change it."

"I know."

"Then why are you pissed at me?"

"Was that the only time you were together?"

"Yes."

I'm not sure if I believe him or not. She obviously knew he was at Carlos' house after we got together and I wasn't. Was she there? Did he feel he needed to see her like he needed to see me after the first week of school? I sniffle, and I hate that I'm so emotional. Damn hormones! I'm not in control and I hate this feeling. Brayden's hand strokes my hair.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not." I snap.

He pulls his hand away and puts it back on the wheel. "Okay, but remember, you broke up with me. And every time I tried to get back with you, you shot me down. You kept insisting we were better off that way."

"I know."

"And it's not like it happened right away, but after the Homecoming dance and not hearing from you, I didn't think there was a shot in hell we were getting back together. I never would've been with her if I thought otherwise."  

I wipe away the lone tear I can no longer hold prisoner in my eye.

"Mackenzie, please. Don't cry."

"I'm not crying!" I yell. I'm not fooling him though. I am crying and he damn well knows it.

"Why are you letting this bother you so much? You know she doesn't mean anything to me."

"It took you months to even kiss me, and then, it was me that kissed you. And you made sure nothing more happened for a long time. Every time I thought we might move forward, you always made an excuse . . ."

He takes my hand and squeezes it. When he speaks, his voice is low "Because it was you, and you were different."

"Obviously. You weren't as into me, as you were with her."

He turns the car down a side street and pulls over. After putting the car in park, he strokes my cheek. "How can you say that? I'm crazy in love with you. You have to know that."

I glance down at my no-longer-perfectly-flat stomach. "Loving someone and being attracted to them are two completely different things. You can love me, and still want her."

"But I don't. I never did."

I roll my eyes and scoff at him.

"Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I swear, I didn't want her. I was just trying to get my mind off you. Kenzie, you have to believe me, I never wanted anyone the way I want you."

I turn from him.

"I mean it. The first time we kissed, I was so afraid you were going to run off again, and that you wouldn't come back. I was afraid not even an apology would be enough for you. I couldn't let that happen because it was at that moment I knew for sure I was in love with you."

"And after we kissed?"

He swallows hard. "It took every ounce of self-control I had not to rip your clothes off every time we were alone together. I thought about you and imagined us together so many times." He closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. "And then it wasn't just about not wanting to scare you off, it was about making sure we were ready, so that if something unexpected happened . . ." his eyes fall for a brief moment to my stomach, and I understand what he means by unexpected. "We could handle it. So, yes. I wanted to take things slow. I was in it for the long haul, and I wanted to make sure you were, too."

"Was she there the night you stayed at Carlos'? The night you were upset with your father?"

His eyes fall. "Damn it! That was the night?"

"Of course not." I hear the bitter tone in his voice. "Anything that happened with Alana happened over Thanksgiving break."

"Then how did she know you were at Carlos'?"

"Because she showed up there." He moves back and lets his head lean against the rest as he runs his hand through his hair. "She saw my car there. She rang the bell and told Carlos I called her so he'd let her in."

He's quiet. I know there's more and I won't like it. I don't think I could stomach what's coming next, but I'd rather hear it from Brayden than have Alana rub my nose in it.

"And?"

He shakes his head, "And nothing. I told her to leave, that we were back together and it didn't matter what she said or did, nothing was going to change it."

"And she just left?"

"Here's the deal, nothing happened that night. Nothing. That's the bottom line. I never shared any secrets with her, no memories I'll cherish, I sent her home."

"Yeah, but . . ."

"The only thing I had with her was an hour of a night I've regretted ever since. I'm sure that's not the last you’re going to hear about it either, especially if I'm not there, but that's because she's trying to hurt you. You can either decide it’s something you can live with and move on, or you're going to let her rip us apart. We're married, and you might think it’s just about the baby, but it’s not. I wanted this because you're the only girl I ever saw a future with. And yes, I saw it. I felt it. Yours is the love I never want to be without. The love I tried to hold onto with both hands only to watch it slip through my fingers no matter how tight my grasp. I've done all I can. I can't do anything more to convince you that you're the only one I want and I won't hurt you. The rest is up to you." 

"You make it sound so easy."

"It is easy. Just let go and trust in me. Trust in us."

"I do. At least I thought I did until she threw me off my game."

"If she can do that so easily, then you're still not all in. C'mon, Kenzie, jump in with both feet. Hold your breath and close your eyes. I promise I won't let you go under."

Chapter 24

Oh Boy!

The days are getting longer. In every sense of the word. They drag on when Brayden is away at school and rush by when he's home. That's how I measure time now, according to when he's coming or going. Thursday nights have become my favorite night of the week because it's our time to just be together and catch up. We don't have anywhere to be or anyone to answer to.

I make sure I have a full plate of warm food left over from dinner waiting for him when he gets home. We sit together and rehash everything that happened while we were apart. Most of the time my parents and Jessica leave us alone.

"Has she said anything to you?" I know Brayden is referring to Alana.

"No. Not directly, anyway. Besides, Jess is always by my side, and I don't think she wants to square off with me and Jessica at the same time."

Brayden smiles and squeezes my hand. "Whatever works. Have you picked the colors yet?"

"I narrowed them down."

"I thought you did that last week."

"I focused on different colors this week. I want to know what you think of them. It would suck if I picked colors you hate."

"Unless you want red or black walls, I'll be fine with anything."

The walls in the basement are sheet-rocked and taped. They just need to be painted. I've yet to commit to a specific color. I keep changing my mind. But I no longer have that luxury, since Brayden plans on painting them ASAP. Of course we also need carpeting and furniture before we make the move down there. I don't want my bed taken out of my room because I plan on sleeping in it when Brayden is at school.

"Did I mention Carlos is planning to help paint over the weekend?"

"I think it's just an excuse to see Jessica. Did he tell you he asked her to go to the movies?"

Brayden shakes his head, "No. He thinks if he doesn't say anything I won't know he likes her."

"Right. Like the fact that he spends more time here on the weekends than he does in his own basement doesn't give him away."

Brayden shrugs. "It's not my problem. The only thing I told him is not to screw with her head. Do you think she likes him?"

"I do. Jess can deny it all she wants, but I can tell she has a crush on him. She takes a lot longer doing her hair and make-up when she knows he's coming over."

"So we find out tomorrow?"

I run my hand over my stomach and smile. "Are you sure you don't want it to be a surprise? I always thought it would be fun to find out what the baby is after it's born."

"I think in our circumstances it would be better to know sooner rather than later. This way we could prepare. I'm sure my mother is already buying things. This way we're not stuck with a closet full of white, yellow and green clothes."

Brayden brings his dish to the sink and rinses it off. He turns to me with a smile. "Ready for bed?"

I stand, and the way his eyes fall on my stomach, it's as if he's noticing my baby bump for the first time. I cross my arms over my belly, hoping to hide it.

He takes my hands and pulls me close. "Don't. You're beautiful. All of you."

His rubs his hands over my stomach and talks to our little munchkin. "Hey baby, your daddy needs a little favor."

I meet his eyes, feeling silly and self-conscious.

"When I'm not here I need you to remind your mother that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"Brayden . . ."

His lips meet mine in a sweet, tender kiss, and his hand takes hold of mine. He leans in and whispers in my ear. "C'mon, let’s go upstairs so I can show you how beautiful I think you are."

*

"You know, once we find out what it is, we can start talking about names."

I use the step stool at the end of the exam table to climb up. Brayden's hands are  on my hips steadying me.

"I already vetoed most of your suggestions," I answer.

"That's not fair, you're not even considering them."

"Exactly."

"Oh come on, we could be like all those celebrity couples. I mean they name their kids things like Apple and Moon, so what's wrong with Princess or Gomez?"

"You are so lucky I know you're joking, if I thought for a minute that you're serious . . ."

Brayden's lips draw up in the corners. "Of course I'm serious. Especially if it's a boy, we need something old and strong."

"What's wrong with Brayden Junior?"

"First of all my son isn't going to go through life with people calling him BJ. It's not going to happen. And If it is a boy I don't want him living in my shadow. I want him to be his own person."

"So then we're agreed Ursula is out of the question?"

The doctor enters the room and introduces himself. "Hi, I'm Doctor Shapiro," he says extending his hand to each of us. "It's a pleasure to meet you "Mr. Turner, Mrs. Turner."

He asks a bunch of questions as he examines my chart. Once he's satisfied with the background knowledge; no previous pregnancies, no substance abuse, no STDs, he pulls the waist band of my pants down below my belly, squirts the cold jelly like substance on me, and begins the exam.

"Mackenzie, according to your chart, you're twenty-six weeks along?"

"Yes."

"Hmm."

I don't like the sound of that. I don't know what it means, but I'm certain it's not good. "Is everything alright?" I ask.

"Everything is fine. The baby is just measuring a few days smaller. It's not a big deal at this point."

"What does that mean?" Brayden asks picking up on my anxiety.

"Nothing. It's just something to keep an eye on. A few days are no big deal, as long as the fetus continues to grow and thrive. Dr. Shapiro identifies all the parts for us, the hands and feet, the arms and legs.

"Oh, look at that," Dr. Shapiro smiles.

Brayden and I exchange a look, "It looks like we have a thumb sucker." The doctor tilts the wand on my stomach so that it accentuates the baby's face. The resonance is so strong, our little bugger actually looks human and not like a creature from a horror film.

"Kenzie, look. It's our baby!" Brayden points to the monitor.

We both stare, enthralled by the image before us.

"Do you want to know the sex?" Dr. Shapiro asks.

"Yes."

"I'm ninety percent certain you're having a boy."

"A boy?" Brayden swallows hard. "We're having a boy?"

"It looks that way."

I look up at him, surprised at the uncertainty on his face. "A boy." He says to himself, his hand covering his mouth. Brayden remains silent as the doctor focuses on recording the images and cutting off an image for us to keep.

I wait until we're alone in the car driving home before I question his bizarre reaction to the baby's sex.

"Are you disappointed? I know you said you were hoping for a girl, but . . ."

"No, no, no," he assures me. "I'm not disappointed, it's just, I don't know how to explain it." He runs his hand through his hair, "I guess the way I saw it, a girl was easier, a different mindset."

"Wow, I usually hear guys say it the other way around."

"C'mon Kenzie. You know I'm not chauvinistic like that, it's just what better role model could our daughter have than you? You're strong, and smart, and beautiful."

I snicker, "Strong? You didn't just say that, did you?"

"You are. I just think about how you dealt with everything over the last year and a half. You had a lot on your plate. Most people wouldn't be able to handle it so well."

I look down at my stomach, "You think this is handling things well?"

He nods. "It was an accident, you had nothing to do with it."

"I had a little something to do with it, I could've said no."

"You didn't sleep around. And we were both still crazy in love with each other.. Look, the point is you
are
strong. And if this is what it took for you to realize we belong together then so be it."

"Then why did you look so spooked when you heard it was a boy?"

"Because now the pressure is on me. Not just to love and support him, that goes for a boy or a girl. But now I feel like I have to be the kind of man my son will look up to."

"Brayden, our son is going to be the luckiest little boy ever because you're his father."

He doesn't believe it yet, and I'm not sure why. I only wish he could see himself through my eyes. Instead of talking about it any further, he changes the subject.

"So you're sure you don't like Ulysses?"

"You know what I just said about you being an amazing father?"

"Yeah?"

"If you can even joke about naming your son that, forget it."