Regret Me Not (27 page)

*

Once we finish dressing Julian in the third outfit Jessica brought from home, she positions him once again in a way that makes it look like Julian is sleeping. Looking at his sweet face, I can almost convince myself that he will eventually wake up. I'm not sure if it's Jessica or Father Mario's visit, but for the moment, I'm okay. I feel like tomorrow, well not actually tomorrow, but sometime in the future, I might actually be okay.

I hear a knock on the door and take small slow steps over to it. I don't know who is more surprised when I open it, Brayden or me. He stands on the other side, a plastic bag in his hand, and Carlos next to him. I'm so relieved he's here, I lunge into him and wrap my arms around him.

"Are you okay?"

I shrug, "I woke up and you weren't here. I guess I didn't expect it is all. Where were you?"

He holds up the plastic shopping bag, "Getting you a new phone."

I'm not sure if it’s my imagination, or if he really doesn't want to look at me. Something is off, way off, and it’s not about Julian, it’s about me. He removes my arms from around his waist and makes his way over to Jess.

"What are you doing?"

She explains to Brayden the ways of coping with grief she found on the various websites she visited.

"Why don't you help me with the hand and foot prints?"

At first he protests. I imagine he's having similar thoughts to the ones I had earlier. I rub his back to reassure him, "I thought she was crazy, but I think there's something to her madness."

"You're not crying, so I guess that's something."

"Hey, Kenzie, Carlos addresses me for the first time. How are you feeling?"

"Like some maniac football player tackled me." I give him a big hug. "Thank you. The way I hear it, I owe you my life."

"I don't know about that. I did my best to get you out of the way of the car. I just wish there was more I could've done."

"Seriously, I appreciate what you did."

Carlos joins Brayden and Jessica. I forgot he hasn't seen Julian yet. Finished with my assigned tasks, I ring for the nurse to bring me my pain meds and get back into bed. We're given a five-minute notice. Julian has been with us much longer than he should've, and the funeral home is coming to get him.

"Funeral home? You decided this without me?" I don't miss the hurt in Brayden's voice.

"Actually no, Father Mario offered to handle everything. You weren't here."

"You could've called me. There is a phone in the room."

I look down, ashamed. He's right. I should've called.

"Okay guys, we're going to get going," Jessica takes Carlos' hand.

"Give me a minute," Brayden says to Carlos.

My face drops. He's going to leave?

"Dude, I'm going with Jess. Besides, you
need
to be here."

I wish I could say I'm surprised that Brayden wants to leave me, but I'm not.

"Could you bring him here?" I ask, my eyes already filled with tears.

Brayden does as I ask. He sits on the bed stroking Julian's leg while I hold him. When the nurse takes Julian from me, I clutch Brayden's shirt, pull him close and bury my tear stricken face against his chest. Crying I cling to him. He strokes my hair, and the ache in my chest makes breathing difficult. I don't have a clue how to make anything better, but I have to. I owe him, and all I want is to make it all up to him.

It takes a while, but eventually, he wraps me up in his arms and holds me close. We don't talk at all. Not about where he's been or why it feels like he doesn't want to touch me. Especially not about the crazy tension that sprang up suddenly between us. If it's just tension, I could deal, but I know it's more than that. All signs tell me I'm losing him. Maybe I already lost him. Still, he stays by my side until I'm in a deep sleep.

Chapter 28

Remembering my Little Angel

When I wake in the morning, Brayden is gone again. This time I don't hesitate, I reach for my new phone on the nightstand next to the bed.

I miss you, where are you?

Jessica is coming to help you get ready. The funeral is this afternoon.

  I'm both happy and surprised Father Mario was able to get things done so quickly. Part of me can't wait for this part of the ordeal to be over. We still have to face the nursery and all the baby supplies we've already bought, but knowing I can do it in my own time with Brayden and Jessica, comforts me.

Jess shows up at the hospital with clothes for me. At first I'm worried I won't fit into whatever she's brought. Although my stomach has gone down some, it's still swollen. I'm relieved when I pull out the black maternity dress.

"And sandals in case your feet are still resemble to two fat hams."

I ignore her comment. I know she's trying to keep things light. It's not working. I can't help but ask, "Why are you here instead of Brayden?"

She doesn't look at me when she answers.

"He thought you could use a feminine touch."

I know she's lying, but I won't call her on it. I can't deal with relationship problems until after the funeral. Neither of us says much as Jessica drives to the funeral home. My parents and Brayden's family are already there waiting. Everyone's there that's supposed to be.

Everyone but Brayden.

There's a new pain inside me, a new feeling of doom. I thought I could do this. I believed if I got weak I could lean on Brayden for strength. As I keep turning to look at the door, he doesn't appear. I don't want our families to witness me falling apart. Not without him here to shield me from the storm. 

The tiny casket is open. I've never seen one that small before, and I pray I never will again. I look inside the simple oak box. Julian looks peaceful. His coloring looks normal, and the swelling has gone down. I hope Brayden gets here soon. I know once the casket is closed, they won't reopen it.

Father Mario asks us to sit for a prayer.

"Wait, Brayden's not here."

"I'm sorry, Mackenzie, we've waited as long as we can, we need to move things along."

Brayden's mother sits beside me, and offers a hug before the prayer begins. "I'm sorry, honey, I don't know what's keeping him. Bruce keeps calling him, but he won't answer.

I zone out most of the time Father Mario is speaking. My mind is on Brayden. He's never acted like this, and I don't know what's going on, or why it feels like he suddenly can't stand the sight of me. I try to find comfort in the fact I'm not the only one he's shutting out.

"And so the old man asked, 'Does anyone tell the caterpillar that once he finishes his tasks here on the earth, life as he knows it will end before he earns his wings and takes to the sky?'"

It's a beautiful story, and I understand the meaning of the caterpillar's metamorphosis in a way I never did before. It's a sign of life after death and how beautiful the later can be.

"And so let us not cry for Julian's metamorphosis, but celebrate this little angel earning his wings."

After we take turns walking up to the coffin and saying our final goodbye, the box is shut and we leave for the cemetery. Tears streak down my face as I touch my little prince for the last time. Jessica pulls out her phone and snaps one last picture.

"Sorry, Kenzie, he's too beautiful not take a picture. This is how I want to remember him, looking like a little angel."

I wish Brayden had the chance to see him. He looks worlds better than he did at the hospital. This is a much nicer image to have lingering in his head when he thinks of his son. As we head out of the grieving room and make our way into the parking lot, I notice that Carlos joined us at some point. His hand is on the small of Jessica's back, and her arm is draped over my shoulder.

"Where is Brayden?" I ask, certain Carlos knows.

"I'm sorry, Mackenzie. He said he couldn't handle this."

"So he's not coming?" I screech with desperation. "At all? What the hell is wrong with him?"

Carlos' eyes drop. He looks away from me, and I know there's more. I take a few quick steps, placing myself in front of Carlos.

"What's going on? Please, Carlos, tell me."

"There's not much to tell. He's wrecked, just like the first time you broke up with him."

"I'm wrecked, too. That's why he should be here. If we're together, we can help each other through this."

"Kenzie, take his feelings into consideration. He heard you yesterday. He knows you don't want him in your life. He's trying to do the right thing and make this easier on both of you."

The shock of Carlos' words cloud my already foggy head. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I shake my head. "I don't even know what you're saying. I don't want him
in
my life? He
is
my life."

"That's not how he sees it."

I rub my forehead, feeling like I'm getting nowhere. "Fine, then explain to me, how does this make anything easier?"

"This way he can pack his things and leave without you there, without a scene. This way there's no long, drawn out goodbye."

"No. Oh, God. Please, no."

And there it is. I plea to this supposed God that keeps taking everything good from my life. And I know who to go to for help.

*

I feel like the ultimate failure. My son is dead. My husband is leaving me. My parents stand with me, holding me, rubbing my arms and back as the priest says the final prayer at the gravesite. The day has been incredibly long, and Father Mario has shown more patience and generosity than I deserve, but I need to ask him for one last favor.

I don't actually hear what Father Mario is saying. I'm in a full-blown panic, even if I'm hiding it well. I keep replaying the conversation with Carlos, and what I don't understand is
why
? What did Brayden hear yesterday to cause him to do something so drastic?

When the prayer service is over, I ask Jessica to give me a minute alone. I know she's worried, but I assure her I just want to thank Father Mario for all he has done for us.

"Thank you, Father," I say as he watches me with kindest eyes I've ever seen. "I'm sorry Brayden didn't make it. I'm not sure what's going on with him."

The priest puts his hand on my shoulder and meets my eyes. "He came to see me this morning. Unfortunately, I knew he wasn't coming. He asked for me to arrange for him to come earlier and say goodbye to Julian in private."

"Do you know why?" I'm hopeful. Maybe he can give me some insight.

"He didn't think he could handle it well, and he didn't want to make it harder on you. Mackenzie, you should know Brayden requested an annulment."

The words cut me to the quick. I don't know exactly what it means, but I know it's not good.

"What's that?"

"It takes the place of a divorce. It's granted by the church. It makes it as if the marriage never happened so you can marry in the church again."

I didn't think my heart could sink any lower. Boy was I wrong. I thought I was at rock bottom when Julian died. I just found a newer, deeper level of dirt to climb through.

"Please, you can't. I need to talk to him. I need for him to understand how much I love him."

"Do you remember those essays I had you write? I didn't want the baby to be the only reason you got married."

"He wasn't. I mean he was why we did it so fast, but I love Brayden, I always have."

Father Mario bends down, picks up a stick from the ground, and hands it to me. "Do me a favor, break this in two."

I do as I'm told with little effort.

"Now pair the pieces together and try to snap them in half again."

I try, but it's harder, and it isn't happening with the same ease. I feel his hand cover mine and I stop.

"Maybe you want to demonstrate for him how you are stronger standing side by side than either of you are on your own."

"Does this mean you'll hold off on the annulment?"

He smiles. "I already said, 'NO!' But he's smart and he'll soon learn that it's up to a tribunal, not me. At least this gives you a chance to get through to him."

"Thank you, Father." I hug him. Even though I'm leaving the cemetery without my son, without my husband, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. For the first time I know who controls my future. Me.

Chapter 29

Time to Set Things Right

Everyone is still gathered in the parking lot. I guess they're waiting for me to decide what we should do next. I know what I need to do, and I need to do it alone.

"We'd like to take everyone out to eat," Mom announces. "Is that okay?"

I nod. Actually it's perfect. With everyone out of our hair, and away from the places I might find Brayden, it will make it easier to hash things out. My parents and Brayden's parents agree to go to the same restaurant where we had our small wedding celebration.

Carlos and Jessica are standing at her car talking. "Carlos, can you give Jess a ride? There's something I have to do."

"You're going after him aren't you?" Carlos asks.

"With everything I have." I turn to Jess, "Now give me your keys."

"You're not supposed to be driving. It's too soon"

"I'm fine," I insist. "Just give me the keys so I can find him. And Carlos, try to find out where he is and stall him."

"You got it!"

Once I'm in the car, I take a deep breath and ignore the aching of my body. There will be time to heal after I find Brayden. I know I should feel crushed, devastated hearing my husband wants to leave me, that he wants it to be like our marriage never happened, but I'm not. I think of all the many times he told me he didn't marry me just because I was pregnant. How many times did I tell him the same? Not once. Never.

I know I hurt him. I never meant to. I need to fix this, to fix us. I vow to myself on the drive to my house that I will never let anything like this happen again. I will never let him question my love for him or if we belong together.

I pull into my driveway, but his car isn't there. Just to be sure, I go inside the house and call his name. There's no answer. My heart thrums against my chest. Not because I'm worried he went to find comfort in someone else's arms. My imagination would have run there a few months back, but not now. Now I'm in a panic because he's hurting. Because he thinks I don't want him in my life.

My next stop is his parents’ house. Again, his car is nowhere to be seen. Still I get out and ring the doorbell. No one answers. I text Carlos to see if Brayden's answered him, but he hasn't.

I sit in the car, head in my hands, and think. Where can he be? I consider driving to his school and checking his dorm room, but it would take too long if I'm wrong. And then it comes to me. He's seeking comfort at the one place he was never rejected. The one place he's most confident. I put the car in gear and head to the place where he feels in control. I drive to the high school football field.

There's no sign of him. I start to think I might never find him. I want to lean my head against the steering wheel and cry.
THINK
!  My heart hammers against my chest and a thought pops into my head. I know I'm right. I know where I'll find him!

I remember how lost and hopeless I felt when I asked him to meet me there. How I hated myself for being weak and breaking down before he arrived. I park the car in the lot outside of the playground area.

He's sitting on a swing feeding the birds. I want to sprint the short distance over to him, but I can't. My bruised and battered body won't allow me to. I need to make sure I'm physically strong enough to convince him I can handle this emotionally.

My heart takes off at warp speed; the closer I get to him, the faster it pounds, like a jack-hammer. I think he'll look up as I get closer, but he doesn't. He sits with a bag of sunflower seeds, tossing them out for the birds, while silently stewing.

Slowly I lower myself onto the sling swing next him. I wait for him to turn and look at me, but he doesn't. Instead he leans forward, with his elbows on his knees, as if like a magnet, I'm repulsing him and pushing him away. But the thing about magnets is if you give them a slight adjustment, turn them just enough, their pull of attraction is so strong, it forces them together taking out anything in their way.

"I'm sorry. I should never have insisted you keep the baby."

I'm shocked to hear him speak. I wasn't sure he even knew I was there.

"Don't be. I'm not."

He peeks at me from the corner of his eye and tosses a few seeds out in front of him.

"I missed you today."

He shakes his head. "It's better I stayed away. I screwed your life up enough already."

If nothing else we always a strong physical relationship. That's why he needed to see me, to kiss me to know if I still loved him. Even simple touches between us betrayed the feelings we tried to keep hidden beneath the surface. I need to be close to him. I need to touch him. I reach my hand out and place it on his shoulder, wondering if he's going to pull away.

"It wasn't just about Julian." In an attempt to ease the unyielding ache in my heart I reach for the chain attached to his swing and pull him close. Once I can reach I stretch my hand out to his cheek, and turn his face toward me. "It was always about you."

"I asked Father Mario for an annulment. He said no, but I'm sure if you ask him, he'll reconsider. I think he has a soft spot for you."

"I won't."

There is so much emotion and turmoil in his large brown eyes, I want to cry. "Why not? It's for the best. Why continue with the charade?"

I don't know if he's trying to hurt me, but I'm not going to give him a reason to give up on me. Not today.

"We are
not
a charade. You know that."

He turns away from me. "All we did was compound one mistake on top of another."

"No." I turn his face toward me again and hold it with both hands. "Julian was
not
a mistake, and neither are we."

"Come on, Kenzie, neither one of us
wanted
a baby. It's not like we tried to have him."

"I've been thinking about this a lot. Not just now, but for the last few months. You're right; we didn't
try
to have him. In fact, we did everything to not have him. I broke up with you because I was afraid you'd find someone else and I'd have my heart broken. It didn't make hearing about you and Alana any easier."

He opens his mouth to speak. I press my pointer and middle fingers to his lips. "I know. It was my own fault. And it's okay, I promise. Even still, we couldn't keep away from each other or keep our hands off each other. You used a condom. The very one your grandmother gave you to avoid exactly that situation. And he was conceived anyway. Don't you see? He was meant to be in our lives."

The hard set of his jaw softens ever so slightly. I can see I'm getting through to him.

"We were on the wrong track. He helped us change direction and get back to the paths we were supposed to be on."

"You don't really believe that."

"Yes. I do. He brought
us
back together." I reach out and squeeze his hand, the big strong hand he's extended to me time and time again. "Julian gave you the courage to stand up to your father and tell him football is
not
your future. And he gave me a reason to get to know my sister. I think about how far apart Jess and I were, and where we are now, aside from you, she's my best friend. I owe so much to Julian. I don't regret him, or you, or any of it. Not for one minute."

Brayden stands, looks down at our joined hands, and reaches the other one behind my neck. He leans toward me, his eyes piercing mine. They are so intense staring into them is almost painful. I feel like he sees right through me, straight into my soul. I don't dare look away. I want him to see inside me, to see how full my heart is of love for him.

"Come on, Kenzie," his voice is little more than a whisper. "This is your chance to put it all behind you. You can start over and have an amazing life."

My eyes tear. "I don't want to start over. And I already have an amazing life with you."

He breaks eye contact. This simple gesture clues me in to how insecure he feels. But he's wavering, we're touching and he's talking to me, open and honest. This has to mean something.

"You know what I mean. You don't have to feel obligated to be with me anymore."

"Obligated? Even when we planned on having Julian I never felt obligated to be with you. I'm with you because my life without you was dark and empty. You have my heart. I gave it to you long before Julian."

"I heard you yesterday. I heard you say you don't deserve me, that you can't look at me or even talk to me. I'm trying not to make things any harder than they have to be."

I shake my head. "It's all true. I don't deserve you. And I don't know what to say to you." I see the hurt in his eyes. This is my one chance. I have to make him understand. "I haven't done one thing in my life to deserve someone as good and as wonderful as you."

"That's not what you were saying when you woke up the other day." He avoids my eyes. "You blamed me for Julian's death, for letting them take him. After I heard that yesterday . . ."

"I was hurt,
devastated
when I found out he died. But most of all I felt guilty." I feel tears starting to well in my eyes. I blink them back. "I blamed myself. I still do. I feel like you blamed me, too. Or you should have, because I was too weak to keep him alive."

"No, Kenzie." He kisses my forehead. "It's not your fault." His thumb brushes against the skin on my neck. All I want is for him to pull me in his arms. But there is more I need to say.

"You've put up with so much from me without ever giving up. I know now how wrong I was. I know I hurt you, I never meant to. That's why I said I don't deserve you. The truth is I don't know how to get through this without you." My grip on his hand tightens along with my chest. "Please don't give up on me now. Give me another chance. Give
us
another chance."

He leans his forehead against mine. His breath is heavy, I know he's holding something back, but I can't imagine what.

"Maybe we are better off  . . ."

"No! If anything, I think this whole ordeal proves we're much better together." I move in closer so I can press myself up against him. Like the two sticks, I feel stronger, when our bodies are connected. Butterflies soar inside me being so close to him. Even now, sad and broken he still makes me swoon.

"Mackenzie, I don't see how we can make this work."

"Why not?"

"I didn't want to tell you. I thought maybe I wouldn't have to." My heart sinks. "After homecoming, I was miserable. Nothing had any meaning, not school, not football."

I've heard this before and I'm not sure where he's going with it. I try to keep my thoughts reined in and remind myself not to open my mouth, but to listen and hear him out.

He squeezes closed his eyes, "My grades went to shit. I'm on academic probation."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was embarrassed. Afraid. I did better this semester, but I can't transfer. Not to a decent school. I lost my scholarship. And I can't quit, or drop out. I'll never be able to support us and give you the life you deserve."

"Brayden, it's okay."

"Is it? It's not going to be any different than it was this past September."

"It's worlds different."

"How? How do we not fall right back into the same trap? I know you want me here, close to you, but it can't happen right now. I'm not sure if or when . . . and without Julian holding us together . . ."

"I trust you. I believe in you. And I raised my grades. If you can't come here, maybe I can go to school there, like you said, us being married changes financial aid."

"Yes, but you can't resubmit the forms until next year. That's a whole year of school we'll be apart."

"You listen to me, Brayden Turner. I married you because I love you! Because I tasted life without you! It was bitter, and I never want to experience that again. I want you by my side whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay, because when you do, I believe it. I want you to hold me through the long nights that feel like they're never going to end. And I want to wake up in your arms every day for the rest of my life. And if it means we have to go to school in separate states for right now, I'll deal with it. There's no turning back. Not for me."

"You're sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything."

His mouth meets mine, hungry, possessive. His lips part, and his tongue darts into my mouth. I don't hesitate, I welcome him in. Like so many other times he kissed me, I feel it throughout my body. This kiss is different. It's like the seal on our relationship, the glue that will bind us together permanently. My insides jiggle and quiver. My heart feels light and happy, like it's being stroked with a feather. The funny sensation runs from the top of my head to the tip of my toes and I can't get enough of it.

"Kenzie, I love you more than you'll ever know."

"Then come home with me. I need you and you need me. I promised I'd never leave you again. I meant it."

For the first time his eyes look hopeful. I know I'm there, about to cross the finish line. Just one more step and I've got him.