Reckless Mind (2 page)

“Kahlen.” She questioned without asking anything, but I could tell by the look on her face she didn't think my behavior was normal. My mind slipped away wondering what she would think of me...probably that I heard voices or was sick with a disease that had my mind making my body do things I'd never dream of doing in front of people. Or maybe Emma just suspected I hid more than I told. If that was the case, she couldn't be more right. “You're alright, girl. Get up and let's get this orientation thing started.” The tentative smile crossing her lips somehow gave me comfort. No one had ever been genuinely nice to me before, not necessarily for lack of trying, some would try but I never wanted to get close to anyone, never accepted it. I nodded as she helped me up off the ground. The entire group was ahead of us because of me.

I guess
they
were right, I did ruin lives. I'd only known Emma for five minutes and already people avoided her because of me. “Listen, Emma,” I don't know why, but for the first time in years I felt a prickle sensation in my eyes that I thought meant I might cry. That was a lie, it came to me so easily even my own mind lied to itself. I did know why I felt emotional. It was because I wanted it. I wanted to open up, to have someone to call my friend, but I didn't want her pulled into my past. “You don't want to be friends with someone like me. I'm not...well. There are things...my life...I just think it would be better for you if you distanced yourself from me.”

I couldn't look at her when she told me I was right because it would hurt. It would be confirmation that everything I grew up hearing and believing was the truth. I stared at the ground shifting my weight from side to side.

“I happen to be a great judge of character, Kahlen, so you can just shut the hell up now. You aren't getting rid of me that easily.” I dared look at her, she smiled warmly at me. She didn't tell me I was worthless or only good to get her what she wanted. Emma hooked her arm with mine, bumping my hip with her own, and tugged me forward so we could catch back up with the orientation group.

Maybe things could get better. Maybe Emma could be a friend, one who I could tell the things I've never told anyone in my life to. Right now I needed to get through this orientation, get back to my place, and get ready for my first day at the music store just off campus. I hadn't taken in much from orientation, and neither had Emma, mostly because she asked about my classes and what dorm I was in.

“You live off campus? You bitch!” She laughed, but I flinched instinctively. Emma's smile faltered for only a moment, but her eyes narrowed on me. I knew she was trying to figure me out, but I didn't feel like helping her, not yet. Trust was something I'd never learned, it definitely didn't come easy to me, and I didn't think an hour of knowing someone automatically gave them access to it or anything else about me.

“Um, yeah. Just by myself though. It's not a big place, but it's enough for me.”

“Why don't I come over after this and help you get ready for your first day!” She was so excited by the thought I couldn't think of a way to say no to her even though the idea of someone entering my personal space had me feeling like my lungs weren't getting enough air.

“Okay, sure.” My brain silently yelled and cussed me out for agreeing. I didn't think there were any tell tale signs that would give away my past by being at my apartment, but there would be questions once she was there. I'd avoid those conversations. I was good at avoidance.

“I can help you get ready too, work off some of those nerves you must be having,” the guy who hit on Emma earlier spoke to me suggestively from in front of us. I didn't know what to say. Actually I did, but my voice just wouldn't work.

“Oh, hell no.
You
can go fuck yourself. Douche.” Emma leaned in closer to him from behind as she spoke. I admired her ability to tell people exactly what she thought. I could learn a thing or two from her.

We got in my Civic and I cranked the air. My tank top stuck to every inch of my skin, I definitely needed to shower. Emma seemed to easily make herself at home scanning through radio stations until she settled for one playing current pop tracks. It was a quick drive to my apartment, and I noticed more people and cars arriving around campus to start the new college year.

“Oh, no way!” Emma practically yelled as I pulled into a parking spot in the lot for my building. “Kahlen, my brother lives here. I'm over at his place all the time! See I knew we'd be besties the second I laid eyes on you.” She gave me a peck on the cheek and hopped out of the car. My body was in shock at the physical contact, I couldn't move. Palms slick with nervous sweat, heart thudding loud enough I was certain she could hear it outside the damn car, I was half tempted to drive away and leave her there.

She opened my door, “Come on, what are you doing? I want to see your place!” Emma reached over me and unhooked my seat belt, grabbed my hand, and started pulling me from the car. Obviously physical contact was not something she had an issue with, but it was for me. Quickly I tugged my hand away from her, hurrying past her up the stairs hoping it seemed like I just wanted to open the door, rather than get away from her.

Not being able to think of anything else to say, but feeling like the silence was uncomfortable, I asked a random question hoping to distract her from noticing it was the fourth time I'd acted weird since she'd met me. Keeping her talking about herself had to be a better way to go. “You're brother lives over here?”

“Yeah, he doesn't go to college here anymore though. He got his associates and told my parents they'd have to deal with the fact school just wasn't his thing.” She let out a sad laugh, probably remembering the conversation. “He's a pretty intense person, but he means well. Most of the time anyway.” Emma shrugged it off wanting me to think all thoughts of her brother vanished, but I could tell by the sad pull in her eyes when she spoke about him that intense was probably one of many dark words she could use to describe her brother.

We walked into my place, and since I left the blinds and curtains open, the mid-afternoon sun was streaming in lighting the rooms up. The living room and kitchen were the first things seen walking into my apartment because I'd picked one with an open floor plan.

The beige suede couch and oversized chair sat facing a small flat screen TV mounted onto the far wall. Every shape, size, and color of pillow sat on both, with an end table and lamp sitting between the two, and a couple framed pictures up on the walls. I didn't know the artist, but when I was in one of the local shops I thought the scenic landscape was so serene.

The kitchen had a counter wrapping around dividing it from the living room, so I just had some bar chairs pushed up against there, no actual table and chairs. Candles were placed on a section of the counter, dishes sat in the cupboards. The extent of my decorating and personalizing those spaces stopped there. The extremely short hall off the kitchen led to my bedroom and the bathroom, which sat directly across the hall from each other.

Sky blues, light and dark purples, and white made up the décor in the bathroom. It was a decent size considering this was a one bedroom apartment, sitting longer than it was wide, but more than enough room for one person. My bedroom was muted purples, off white, beige, and a minimal amount of the lightest sky blue. No family pictures adorned the walls, no books or a bookshelf even though I adored reading, no music because I had no stereo, nothing. Just a bed, a side table with a lamp, and a dresser.

I studied Emma as I gave her the small tour of the apartment, watching as her eyes took it all in. She definitely noticed the lack of personal anything in the place, I could tell by the way her eyes moved quickly over each inch of the room she entered, but she didn't mention or question it. I assumed she would, but was relieved when she didn't but curious why she let it go. Maybe Emma had skeletons in her closet she didn't want me figuring out too.

“So yeah, that's pretty much it,” I smiled shyly at her, hoping her thoughts of my personal space were high enough that she would come hang out again sometime.

“Kahlen this is awesome, you did all this by yourself?” I nodded not wanting to elaborate, but she didn't speak either, just waited for me.

“Yeah, I did. I moved out here the day after I graduated in May, and slowly over the summer turned it into what you see now.” Why? Why did I just tell her that? I roughly ran my hand through my hair frustrated with myself.

“Where,” she looked at me as she spoke, I felt like I couldn't swallow. I knew the questions were coming, and soon enough she would be ashamed she ever took the time to talk to me. The blood drained out of my face taking any color or sign of life with it. “Um, where do you work again?” She shook her head a little as she asked. “I know you said you work at a music store, but which one? Campus Music, Red Records, or one farther away from campus?”

“I wanted to get off campus a little, so I went to Red first and they were hiring, so I start there this afternoon. I'll mostly be working late afternoon to close during the week. Every now and then maybe a Sunday, but they have other college kids who want the weekend hours, and I'd prefer to be there when it isn't so busy.”

“Sweet, that means you're all mine on the weekends!” She jumped up off the end of my bed and clapped her hands. “Now we need to get you dressed.” I was closest to the door to my room, while Emma stood farther in from when she was looking around. She moved to open my closet, and I tried to stop her but wasn't quick enough.

I stopped breathing around the time her hand touched the door knob. Rubbing my palms on my shorts to take away sweat the nerves left behind, I couldn't meet her eyes. Nothing. There was nothing in my closet. What little clothes I did have all fit in the small dresser sitting against my wall. “Emma, I...” My throat tightened with restriction toward telling Emma anything personal about me. All I felt in that moment was embarrassment, and again I wanted to break down in tears.

“Do you have time to run to my house? I still live with my parents, but they don't live too far, and I have some clothes I don't fit into any more. I think my mom was going to just give them away, but you can take them if you want. Not that you need them or anything, I'm sure you have plenty,” she rambled, probably because I made the whole situation more awkward and she didn't want me to think she felt sorry for me.

“Emma,” I said, and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I touched someone without being told I had to. Placing my hand on her arm, she looked at me. “That would be great, I'd appreciate it, thank you. And yeah, I've got time before my shift still if you want to head out now.”

She smiled and threw her arms around my neck. I didn't move for a minute, but she didn't let go, almost as if she knew I needed time to adjust to having someone touch me. Then with a deep breath, I wrapped my arms around her too and hugged her back.

“Let's go,” she motioned to the door. “Oh, and I should warn you now, Brandon might be there, so you're in for a treat.” With a scowl on her face, I knew her use of the word treat had little in common with the literal definition.

Chapter 2

I'd done this plenty of times, meeting parents, but this time I wanted to be as real to myself as I knew how to be. Mentally I thought about how I looked. My long straight dark brown hair fell half way down my back, and I barely wore any make-up so I knew that wouldn't be an issue. The white tank I had on was layered with a loose sheer floral racer back tank, and I had on faded shorts. They were kind of short, but it is the end of August and crazy hot out, so I hoped Emma's parents wouldn't think less of me because of it.

“Hey, you alright over there? You've barely said anything the entire ride.” Emma's brows creased in concern.

“I just.” What? What am I going to tell her? I had a fucked up childhood and it affects me to my core to this very day...that I have no idea how to trust people...have never had anyone I'd call a real friend. Generally, I just don't know how to function like a normal eighteen, almost nineteen year old girl. Yeah, all that would be amazing. I shook my head to clear the thoughts that would never really go away, “I'm okay, Emma. It's just important to me your parents like me, that's all.”

She didn't respond, instead pointed to a street coming up on the right. It was a nice neighborhood, with big houses compared to what I was used to, and my hands began to shake as she told me which driveway.

Emma's house was a two story brick with some light brown siding and a three car garage. There was a shiny black firebird parked in the driveway which I assumed belonged to her brother. “What did you say your brother's name was again? And your parents?” I placed my hands under my thighs on the seat hoping Emma couldn't see the nervous tremors.

“My parents are Dan and Jules, douche bag is Brandon, and the big dane is Hercules.” Her brother couldn't honestly be that bad, I mean they are siblings, and from what I hear siblings fight and have a hard time getting along sometimes. Not that I would know personally. “And I apologize in advance for whatever he does. He's...it's just not easy to be around Brandon.”

I wanted to ask her what she meant, what had happened, but then I remembered I had my own answers to questions I didn't want asked and decided to leave it alone. We walked up to the house laughing over a story Emma was telling me, when the front door swung open.

“I'm done having this conversation.” A guy stood with his back to us, one hand in his messy hair looking like he would pull it out any second. “It's my life, Ma, mine. If I screw it up, it's mine to screw up.” He wasn't raising his voice, he actually sounded like every word caused him physical pain.