Reckless Mind (10 page)

“Tomorrow,” I confirmed with a smile, and thanked him again for walking me home. He started to walk away but waited at the top of the stairs until I was in my apartment giving him a small wave goodbye, then he retreated back down the stairs.

I went and threw some shorts and a tank top on, then made my way to the bathroom to wash off any makeup on my face and brush my teeth. Nearly choking on my toothpaste, I almost fell off the bathroom counter too when a very hard, very loud thumping came from my front door. Checking my phone to see if I missed the call from Emma, I hadn't, I got nervous Josh had been watching Cole walk me home and was outside my door. Looking through the peep hole, it definitely was not Josh, though I couldn't believe who I saw.

“I know you're in there, Kahlen, just open the damn door,” Brandon was raising his voice like he was angry, but I knew that wasn't possible, not with me anyway. I opened the door a little and looked up at him, toothbrush in hand, eyebrows raised in question. Almost in a whisper he asked, “Well, are you going to let me come in?” A small crooked smirk played across his lips.

“No, I'm not,” I didn't even have to think about it. This space was mine and I didn't want him or any other guy in here yet. But he looked at me like he was offering a piece of himself out to me and couldn't take being rejected. Part of me felt like I was being played, the part of me that was still pissed at him for putting his hands on me and then letting some other girl kiss all up on him. But a part of me, the part always seeming to win when I was around him, felt that pull, the connection. Cursing myself for probably making the wrong choice again when it came to Brandon Lucas, I added, “Not unless you are buying me pizza anyway. I'm starving,” I let out a nervous laugh waiting for his response.

“I already called for pizza, but I didn't know what kind you liked, so I got one cheese, one pepperoni, and one sausage.” He dropped his gaze from mine like he was nervous to see my response to his thoughtfulness. I opened the door a little more and reached out, grabbing his wrist gently and pulling him a little so he came the rest of the way into my place. Motioning to the couch, we sat down and I turned the TV on.

“Want anything to drink? I don't have alcohol, but I have pop and water and stuff,” he laughed under his breath at me and I heard him mock
pop
quietly, but I didn't care. He said he was fine for now, then his stare got really intense.

“What were you doing with Colton?” He tilted his head to the side slightly as if that would help him gage whether whatever came out of my mouth was the truth.

“He walked me home because Jax asked him to. I was ready to leave the party and because of everything that'd happened with that Josh asswipe, he didn't want me walking home alone.” I shrugged as if it was no big deal, and really it wasn't. I didn't understand what he seemed so down about right now.

His fingers lightly trailed up my arm, “Why didn't you come and find me, I would have walked you home.” I knew he meant well, but I was confused with him right now. I grew up being used, not that he knew that yet, but I wanted him to want to be a better version of himself when he was around me. Being treated like every other possible lay seriously had me rethinking the whole idea of friendship with him, let alone anything more.

“You were otherwise occupied,” and yes I was short with him, but he deserved it. “There was a little issue, you know, the one where this short brunette was sitting on your lap, her lips moving up and down your neck. Sorry I didn't really feel like interrupting.” I tried to take deep breaths to keep myself calm, I didn't want him to know how much seeing him with her affected me.

“She's just whatever,” he shrugged the girl off. “I would have left her at the party and walked you home, all you had to do was ask.” In that moment I thought he tried to give me a little insight into who he was. Girls were pretty insignificant to him it seemed, yet he was willing to give up an easy hookup to walk me home,
but
. I needed to ask him. He wanted me to walk up to him in front of another woman and all those people around him at his party and specifically ask
him
to take me home. I knew his games, he wanted control over the situation, but I wasn't biting.

Shaking my head, “Nah, I was good, Cole was very nice to walk me home. He offered to walk me around campus tomorrow too, you know, to make sure I feel comfortable.” I smiled like I was relieved he had offered, and I really was, but my whole point to bringing it up was so Brandon knew another guy offered to do something with and for me.
Without
me having to ask for it, Cole wanted to do something so he brought it up and asked. I had a pretty good idea Brandon was the one wanting to walk me home, yet he was trying to make me feel like I didn't do what needed to be done for him to do that. I was over the mind games, over them the day I left after graduation.

His eyebrows lifted and I thought he got the point I made. “Kahlen, I don't want him walking you around campus tomorrow.” It was a statement, a matter of fact. I didn't know how to respond though so I sat quietly waiting for him to say something. “I'm sorry for what I did tonight with that other girl, it was stupid and you don't deserve that.” I nodded my head because he was right, I didn't deserve it, but it would take a more than that for us to become friends. Maybe all Brandon needed was for someone to stand by his side, not wanting anything from him, just to be there for him. Too bad he didn't seem to realize that, or the fact that I could be that person for him.

His fingers wrapped around the back of my neck, eyes studying mine. “If you've never had a boyfriend that means you've never really been kissed then have you, Kahlen?” His voice dropped lower, his eyes looking a little darker than their normal whiskey color. I shook my head, but wasn't one hundred percent sure I actually wanted him to kiss me.

“You can't use me, Brandon. Please, don't do anything with me if it doesn't mean something to you first. I can't,” my voice broke a little as I spoke. “I can't have that be my life any more. I need to mean something to the people in my life. I don't want to be some other girl you kissed, just to have you go fuck some other girl afterward.” My eyes begged him to understand me. “Please.” His eyes held my gaze, and he slowly nodded his head, crooked smirk back on his lips, slowly dropping his hand from my neck, down my arm, stopping at my hand. Brandon took my hand in his, and held it.

He was holding my hand. It seemed like he was trying to make an effort, and all of that meant something to me, but of course I started thinking more about it. What if he only did this because he knew it was what I wanted, or because he thought this was the best way to keep me coming back to him, or doing what he asked? For example, not go around campus with Cole tomorrow.

My brain was running in over drive. I started thinking of all the times Helen, my old foster mom, would tell me things, sometimes anything she thought I wanted to hear, just to get me to do what she wanted me to. This situation, combined with the past encounters I've had with Brandon, kind of felt like deja vu.

We didn't really speak as we watched whatever re-run cable show was on waiting for the pizza. I adjusted myself so I was a little farther from him, but then he put our joined hands on his thigh. When the knock came for the pizza he got up and grabbed it, bringing it back to the livingroom and setting it down on the coffee table.

As we sat and ate he asked me about the classes I had this semester, and he told me not to worry, that I'd do great, and he could always help me with my Chemistry class. I knew he was insinuating our chemistry together and trying to be funny, and he even laughed at himself, which made me happy. I liked seeing Brandon happy, and right now he was.

The easy conversation, the way he really seemed to be trying with me, it melted away my earlier fears of him messing with my head like Helen used to. My guard was still up slightly with Brandon, but I had gotten more comfortable with him while we hung out.

Taking our plates into the kitchen, I rinsed them off. Brandon came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I put my hair in a ponytail earlier when I washed my face, and when his warm mouth brushed over my neck I felt a jolt of intensity run through my entire body. The trail of kisses had me frozen in place, he felt so good.

He turned me to face him, lifting me up on the counter he settled himself between my legs, and I could feel how much he wanted this pushed against me. The tip of his tongue ran down my neck driving me crazy.

Brandon wrapped one arm tight around my waist, fingers from his other hands took out my hair tie and then threaded through my long hair, and my breathing increased by the second. He held on to me like I was his lifeline, but he wasn't kissing me. Whether he thought it would be going too fast for him or me I wasn't sure, but instead it seemed like he was enjoying the feel of my body being pressed against his.

I draped my arms over his shoulders and around his neck, not breaking the lock his eyes had on mine. He slowly moved against me, my mouth dropping open and a quiet moan escaped. Again, he moved himself, hard and ready, against me.

Brandon put his forehead down near my shoulder, but pressed against my neck, and he kept taking deep breaths. I'm not sure why, but I had the distinct feeling my scent calmed him. His nose rubbed my neck. “Brandon you have to stop.” Gently I pushed him back, moving his body from touching mine, but he still stood right in front of me. “I don't know why I feel drawn to you, but it clouds my head when I'm around you. I want to be your
friend,
Brandon, but you have to want to be my friend too. No rushing, you get to know me and I get to know you. Can you handle that?” But then my phone rang.

He immediately broke away from me completely, looking at me closely, watching me. I answered the phone to Emma telling me she would be over in ten to fifteen minutes to call it a night, and I sort of repeated the conversation right back to her as she said it because she sounded a little like she had been drinking, just to be sure we both knew what was going on.

When I hung up the phone I zoned back in on Brandon. “I heard you're in a band. Can I come watch you practice sometime?” And just like that the switch was thrown. Brandon stepped away from me, eyes turning colder. He just shut his emotions off, I knew the look because I wore it often myself. Why he did it was what didn't make sense.

“Don't you think you should be asking Cole about that?” He moved to the front door now, and calling back over his shoulder right before he shut my front door he said, “From what he said when he got back to the party, he's going around campus with you tomorrow, has you programmed in his phone, and has confirmation you will be coming to a practice if you don't work, and our show for sure this coming weekend. Looks like you don't really need to ask me since you'll be there watching him already.”

Without looking back at me, without saying another word or letting me even speak, he slammed the door and left me sitting on the kitchen counter where he put me. I could still smell him. He thought I wanted to spend my time with Cole when he first came over, and all it took was him taking one question the wrong way to throw him right back into that mindset. So once again, Brandon walked away from me.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could try with him. Part of me wanted to just sit down and be vulnerable with him, tell him why I shut my emotions off, what I went through because I think then he might do the same. Then again, he could pretend to care like he just did, and then I could say the wrong thing and he could just disappear again. It seemed the one thing he was great at was pulling me in without me even realizing it, and once again I was a sucker because of it.

Chapter 8

I snuck out the front door after leaving a note on the counter for Emma. She was asleep on my couch and would more than likely stay that way for a
while, and I needed to go blow off some steam so I headed to the community center to dance for an hour or so. There was something so freeing about dance, about getting emotions pent up inside of me out in a way that didn't require speaking. It was something I never knew I always needed, but was so happy I found it.

Making my way into the studio I waved at Mary, the manager of the place, and she told me the studio was all mine this morning. That was the nice thing about being an early riser, I typically did have the studio to myself. Taking off my sandals and my hoodie, I threw my cd in and started to stretch out my muscles. The air conditioning wasn't on this early in the morning so I was glad I'd come in two layered sports bras and some looser fitting pants that stopped just below my knee.

As the music kept going I started to move around the floor, releasing everything that'd happened with Brandon the night before. When he just held my hand, and later wrapped his arms around me I thought he actually wanted to try at being friends if nothing else, but the second he thought about Cole he shut himself off to me.

I was protecting myself too though, by trying to make him see who I was now so when he found out about my past, hopefully he wouldn't walk away from me. When I was around Brandon my mind was quiet, that never happened to me, and I wondered if that was the biggest part of his appeal to me. It seemed I had the opposite affect on him though, that after just a short time with me he couldn't figure out if he wanted to hold my hand, try to screw me, talk to me, shut his emotions off on me, or just simply walk away.

But something about him told me he needed me. Not in a physical way, though I'm sure he would gladly take that too, but I felt like he got something from me emotionally he didn't get anywhere else. It might be he could see just how fucked up I was, and felt we were the same that way. There are definite tell tale signs I see in him that have let me know his heart and soul are a little darker than most guys at twenty one.