Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six (41 page)

“What’s up, guys? Any demon sightings?” I tried to sound flip, but felt anything but.

“They’d better not come in here.” Harvey flew down to land on the table in front of me. “I tell you, little gal, their boss has gone too far.”

“Yep, Harvey’s right. Too far. And someone higher up is not goin’ to stand for it.” Emmie Lou settled beside her husband.

I sat on the chair. “What could anyone higher up do about it besides send you two here? Lucifer is the head honcho in hell and he does what he damn well pleases.” I shuddered. “I had a demo of that.” And the idea that these two gentle souls somehow knew? I blinked back tears.

“Now, now. Don’t go fretting about anything we know or don’t know. I’m just telling you that we got word this evening that the Master is keeping a special eye on you. He knows you’re good through and through and he doesn’t like seeing decent people pushed around.” Harvey popped his suspenders, his face red. “Trust me, there ain’t no bullies sitting at the banquet table up where
we’ve
been.”

“You’ve got that right, honey bun.” Emmie patted Harvey’s knee. “Those black-hearted good-for-nothings need to stay down below where they belong.” She gave me a sad smile. “So we’re gonna try to even things up a bit. Got some special stuff to help you. As long as you’re in this back room.”

“What kind of special stuff?” I leaned forward. Help. It was almost too good to be true. Sure I had my three guys who would literally face hell for me, but I was afraid it was all good intentions. They’d be turned into stone warriors at the first sign of trouble and I’d be at Lucifer’s mercy again. And there are only so many times you can pull the shower gel trick.

“First, you’ll love this. I got it from
Get Smart
. I watched the original show on TV, might even have been in black-and-white. I can’t remember. You’re old enough, Glory, you might have watched it then too, but youngsters just know that new movie.” Harvey winced and glared at Emmie. “You pinched me!”

“Quit carrying on and get to the point.” Emmie smiled at me. “He has endless cable up in Heaven, every channel they put on. His own remote and a top-of-the-line La-Z-Boy. It’s a wonder he stirred himself to come help you.”

“Now who’s off the point?” Harvey poked Emmie with an elbow. “I’ll
always
stir myself for our Glory. Now, as I was saying, that show had what they called a ‘Cone of Silence’ and that’s what the Big Guy upstairs has given us here.” He chuckled. “I just love technology.”

“Huh. To you technology is the icemaker in the door of the Frigidaire.” Emmie huffed.

“Anyway . . .” Harvey ignored his wife who was muttering. “When you’re in here, Glory, those demons and suchlike can’t hear you. You can make your plans, figure out your moves, and they won’t be able to hear a thing. This back room is your Cone of Silence.”

“Seriously?” I jumped up. “That’s amazing! And just what I need for later tonight.”

“And if them demons try to get in here?” Emmie pulled a bottle out of her apron pocket. Tonight she wore a blue print shirtwaist, circa 1950, with a frilly white eyelet apron. “We’ve got this.”

“What is it?” I saw a clear liquid sloshing in the bottle.

“It’s water from a lake up there.” Emmie grinned. “It’s beyond holy. It’s sacred. Burns like acid on a demon’s skin. Even Lucifer would squawk like a scorched chicken if this hit him.”

“Hot diggity dog. I hope those bad boys do make a run at us.” Harvey popped his suspenders again. “I’d like to make’em squeal. Chase ’em straight back to hell, I will.”

“I can’t believe this.” I really wanted to hug them, but they were just too tiny. “You mean someone up there thinks I deserve all this?” I sank down on the chair again. “Sometimes I’m really not so sure.”

“Now, now, don’t you be downing yourself, little gal.” Harvey fluttered over to sit on my shoulder. Emmie landed on my other one. “You take our word for it. You’ve been around an awful long time and your good deeds have piled up pretty durn high.”

“That’s right, Glory. You surely do deserve our help. Now suck it up and fight off these critters. Win the night!” Emmie flew back to the table. Harvey joined her.

“Are you allowed to tell me any more about Heaven? Is it all cable TV and easy chairs?” I could tell by looking at them how happy they were. They glowed with it.

“La, no! I sure don’t sit around all the livelong day watching no box.” Emmie laughed. “Honey, Heaven is what you want it to be.” Her eyes glittered. “Up there I’ve got the children I never could have, the grandbabies I always wanted. It’s, it’s wonderful. Glorious.”

“Yep. And my old dog, Traveler, is there at my feet when I feel like watching sports. Or we go out to a real game. Sometimes I play quarterback like I always wanted to, in the NFL.” Harvey laughed. “Lot tougher than it looks on TV.”

“You two are together. Obviously. What if, what if you love more than one person in your life?” I twisted my fingers in my lap.

“Like three, honey?” Emmie smiled. “I’m here to tell you, it’s common as all get-out in Heaven. Think of all the widows who lost number one. Some in a war, some with heart trouble or whatever. Then they fell in love again, maybe even a third time if they outlasted number two.” She sighed and looked at Harvey. “My guy never moved on, but he could have. I wouldn’t have minded.”

“Just never got struck by Cupid’s arrow again, honey bunch, and that’s a fact. Though the Widow March gave me a run for my money.” Harvey winked at me.

“Oh, you!” Emmie patted his knee. “Anyway, these women who loved more than one man just spend time with each of them as they feel the urge. There’s no jealousy there. The men don’t bump into each other and they stay busy doing whatever they dreamed of on earth. Maybe lying back in front of a TV like Harvey, though the golf course gets a lot of play.”

“Yeah, never did cotton to that game.” Harvey leaned against Emmie. “Glad I don’t have to share you, though, hon.”

“As far as you know.” This time Emmie winked at me. “Anyway, the ladies see who they want as long as they want, then move on. As I said, Heaven is how you want it to be.” She grabbed Harvey’s hand and squeezed it. “Calm down. You know you’re my one and only.” She kissed his flushed cheek.

“Sounds perfect.” I sighed.

“There you go.” Harvey cleared his throat. “But no need for you to rush to get there. You got a good many years left on this earth. I got that on good authority.” He flew close and brushed my cheek with his wings. It felt like a gentle tickle.

“Hush, now, Harvey. We got rules, you know.” Emmie sounded hoarse, like maybe she was choking back tears.

“Can I ask you one more question?” I was pretty choked up myself.

“Not sure we can answer it, but shoot.” Emmie smiled as Harvey kept flying in circles. “Ignore him, he just loves those wings.”

“Why did you come back so tiny?” I reached out my hand and Emmie flew into it. I knew if I closed my fist, I’d crush her. Of course I couldn’t imagine doing such a thing.

“Simple, Glory. Just provin’ a point. Size don’t really matter in the long run. It’s how you live and what’s inside that counts.” Emmie took off then, fluttering past my cheek like Harvey had.

“Just keep fightin’, Glory, and let your good heart guide you.” Harvey flew a circle around the room. “Rules. Bet those demons don’t abide by no rules.”

“Bet they do. Now let’s go patrol the shop. Head out, Harvey.” Emmie buzzed close to my ear. “Our money’s on you, Glory. Have faith.” Then they both disappeared through the closed door.

I sagged back in my chair. Heaven or hell? No contest. And I sure wanted to meet everyone I knew and loved there someday. So the challenge ahead meant everything to me. This Cone of Silence thing was fantastic and I was putting it to work immediately as I heard a knock on the back door and recognized the reek of Simon Destiny.

I hurried to open it and let him in. Simon stood there for a moment and sniffed the air, then just stared at me. Simon pulled out a handkerchief. It went with the black suit he wore, old-fashioned but clearly custom-tailored and very expensive. Savile Row, if I knew my menswear, and I did. His white shirt had the same look and his tie was a school tie, the kind English gentlemen wore to proclaim their status. That was a laugh. As if Simon had any status outside his ghoulish boys’ club of vampires.

“You’re alone.” He seemed surprised.

“So are you.” I wasn’t surprised. Simon wouldn’t doubt he could take me in a fight. I was no match for an Energy Vampire, never had been. “Come in.”

He stepped inside and nodded when I gestured that he could take the chair. He sat, then waited for me to plop down on the table. I really needed to haul in another chair.

“You mentioned a way for me to get to know my son. He gave me an ultimatum. I assume he told you about it.” Simon didn’t smile and obviously wasn’t going to waste time with small talk.

“Yes. Freddy would like to get to know you. Apparently it’s a son-father thing. But can’t get past the whole EV hoopla. Guess you know what I’m talking about.” I sighed. I couldn’t do this sitting on a table swinging my legs. I jumped down and began to pace. “You serve one of hell’s goddesses. She scares Fred. Scares anyone with good sense. And of course you use that fear to your advantage, Simon.”

“Of course.” He nodded, looking thoughtful. “I’ve had centuries to think about this. But I am tied to Honoria. You don’t just tender a resignation. She expects a lifetime of service.”

“Is there any way to, um, destroy her?” I held my breath. This was the big gamble. If Simon didn’t trust me to do this and not take him out too, it was all over. “I’m asking you because I’ve got an alternative for you. Lucifer has sent a couple of demons here to bug me. They’ve threatened Rafe Valdez and the only way I can get them off his back is to deliver a major soul or dozen to Luc’s team.”

“Hell’s politics. I get an earful of that every time I visit my goddess.” Simon made a face. “So?”

“So if you will agree to transfer your allegiance to Luc’s team and take your followers with you, Rafe will be off the hook.”

“You know I don’t give a damn about your dog.” Simon examined his nails.

“But you do about your son. I’m just showing you why I have an interest in helping you get rid of your goddess. Tell me how to take her out and I’ll do it. Rafe and Blade are in it with me. We will blow her to bits or whatever it takes to free you if you will sign on with Lucifer. You know you’re hell-bound anyway, and Freddy won’t mind getting involved with you once Honoria is out of the picture. It’s the EV thing he objects to.”

“How do you know that?” Simon looked up, his eyes gleaming. I knew he was reading my mind and he saw that I was uncertain.

“Guess you could make that part of your terms with Lucifer. And you’re clever enough to play the game, act like you’ve come to your senses and want to start over. Play the good guy.” I rolled my eyes. “Why am I bothering to tell you anything? Manipulate. It’s your stock-in-trade.” The fact that my good friend Freddy would be on the receiving end of that gave me chills. No. I’d warn him. He was smart enough to figure things out himself. And I was smart enough to stop thinking about this because Simon could read my every thought. Argh.

“What makes you think I’d be interested?” Simon lifted his chin. “I have everything I ever wanted. Money, power and the respect being the king of the Energy Vampires brings me.”

“Do you have your heart’s desire?” I blurted it out.

Simon swallowed. “What do you know about that?”

Wow. For a moment I could just stare. I’d hit a nerve. Go figure. “Lucifer can offer you that. Promise your soul to him and he can deliver anything, anything you’ve always wanted but might have eluded you.” I ran my hands down my body. “He even said he could make me a size six.” I laughed. “Stupid, but he did a demo. It works.” I grabbed Simon’s hand and pulled him into the bathroom. “Look, I have my reflection. As a sign of good faith or to torment me, depending on how you look at it.”

Simon stood behind me and examined the evidence. “So I see. Are you telling me you sold your own soul?” Simon’s eyes widened. “Bravo. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“You’re right. I didn’t do it. I’m not going to hell. At least not on Lucifer’s account. But since you’re doomed already, thanks to your work with Honoria, why not play for a new team? Broker a new deal.” I pushed past him, already regretting the close quarters of the bathroom. Maybe I was seeing him more as a man, though, because we’d been talking for a while now and he hadn’t knocked me down or frozen me. Hey, it had been almost civilized.

“That’s impossible, Gloriana. I am never getting away from my goddess. She wouldn’t stand for it.” Simon stalked to the door. “I’d not live to make any such deal, no matter how much I wanted it.”

“What
is
your heart’s desire, Simon?” I was grasping at straws. Thought maybe if I got him to say it, I could somehow work something out, tempt him past logic.

Simon stared at me, obviously thinking about whether he should share something so private with me. “All right. I’ll tell you. Not that it will do any good. But I always regretted leaving Cecilia and our child. I wanted . . . a family.” His smile was wry. “How plebeian of me. I realize that. But I loved Cecilia. Still do. I doubt that Lucifer could make her love me again. Too much water under that bridge.”

I swallowed. My dear friend CiCi with Simon? How was that for a hellish bargain? “I figure with Lucifer, anything’s possible. Hammer out a deal. Ask for what you want from him. Or the demons he sends.” I let Simon see that I was being honest.

“You’re assuming Honoria can be killed.” Simon sighed. “Fact is, she’s always surrounded by her army of loyal followers. No one gets past us.” Simon smiled now. “The Energy Vampires not only feed her, we are sworn to protect her. Killing her?” He shrugged. “Difficult, but not impossible.”

I stopped in my tracks. He was actually interested. “Tell me.”