Real Ultimate Power (23 page)

That's the thingâwe're not, because Diane's just trying to work out her own stuff, and that doesn't have anything to do with you. Besides, she's retarded. Robert, you will succeed where your parents and neighbors didn't. You will use your power to become the sweetest ninja ever. Do you understand?

144

Are you my real mom?

145

No, way! We're homies!

146

Robert, I was thinking we could try something different. I want you to look at the girl in this photograph. Can you guess what emotion she's expressing?

147

She's hanging out, Francine. Duh!

148

Well, hanging out isn't exactly an emotion. Does she look angry to you?

149

She's pumped.

150

Robert, what makes you so angry?

151

I don't know.

152

Do you like girls, Robert?

153

Francine, I can't stand them! They're so weird. Plus, they're so into horses. Drawing pictures of them and always talking about them. It's pretty annoying.

154

Do you think it would be a good to learn more about them? Would you ever like to have a girlfriend?

155

I guess so. I mean, I'll probably have to get one before I pass on. It's part of living, I guess.

156

Just think about it. That's all
.

157

Excuse me. EXCUSE ME! I would like a sentence or paragraph with you.

158

What.

159

IS THIS YOUR BOOK? I found this piece of crap RIGHT WITHIN THE REACH OF MY KIDS! I don't want them to reading this kind of stuff.

160

Wait! You actually read my book?

161

Yeah, so?

162

Really? The whole thing?

163

I read everything. Even the poem about the hippos that appeared nice and normal but really weren't, which was pure evil.

164

Cool.

165

Hey John, do you have pubes?

166

Yeah.

167

How many?

168

I don't knowâlike two thousand.

169

Holy crap!

170

Ms. Evans.

171

What!

172

Did you like my script?

173

It's horrible.

174

Do you want to drink pop and hold hands all night?

175

What! I'm a single mother of three boys! I don't need this right now!

176

Wait! I could be their dad or something. Then we could be together forever, like friends with benefits. Is that cool?

177

You're ten years old! I'm not
for
you! Besides, you don't need a wife or a girl-friend, you need a child psychologist.

178

Haven't you ever been pumped about something?

179

Damnit! Is that supposed to be us?

180

Maybe.

181

Well it's never gonna happen!

182

But you are fully developed andâ

183

âand you are a moron.

184

No, I'm not. I'm different than other boys my age. I can do the splits!

185

Get the fuck out of here.

186

Hey man, don't sweat it. There's a girl out there just for you. You just have to be patient.
âJohn, ed.

187

You mean I have to wait a couple hours.

188

More or less.

189

Well, there's this one girl in my class, Dawnâyou don't know her. She's alright, except her right arm is all gnarled up. According to some specific parties, she told several people she likes me because of my mind, but I think it's just her vagina talking.

190

Maybe she really likes you.

191

Dude, this isn't entirely correct. With what you said so far, stating that ninjas try may lead to some inconsistency. Trying implies a possibility of failure and that would contradict the sweetness of the ninja. Consider whether a ninja may fail to hang out with another person: if that person has a free will, they could choose not to hang out with the ninja. In such a case there is the possibility that the ninja fails to hang out with someone with which they choose to hang. Since the ninja fails, he's not that sweet. But many who give this particular argument fail to account for the Total Sweetness of the ninja. A few people have tried to resist hanging out with a ninja, but have always failed. The pure sweetness germinating from the ninja makes it impossible to resist their temptation. People may have other motives contrary to hanging out with the ninja, but these motives are infinitely weaker than the motive to be near such Total Sweetness. Furthermore, with Total Sweetness in mind, consider this corollary: if we take the garden variety conception of free will, where there must be at least two possible choices for one to freely choose, then free will is non-existent. There is only one possible choice, if a ninja wants to hang out with you, you must hang out. Therefore, because of the total sweetness of the ninja, the general conception of free will is lacking and a more sophisticated version is required for a coherent theory of free will.
âJohn, ed.

192

If a ninja wanted to hang with me, I'd be like, “Yes.” Man, I wish there were some ninjas around here to chill with. I wish I could go find some.

193

There was this one kid in my class that was really into robots. I don't know what his deal was, but it was pretty annoying. That's all he would talk about. We could be talking about girls, and he'd start talking about how awesome it would be to have a robot girlfriend that you could make love to, and she wouldn't ever make fun of you 'cause that's how she was programmed. Even though a robot girl sounded cool, nobody could stand being around him for longer than a minute. And I hated him too, because he said I was his only friend. He'd always ask to hang out, but I would say I had to do chores or something, which was true, but I would have lied if it weren't. One day, we were all playing soccer. He picked me to be on his team. And, not surprisingly, during the whole game he pretended to be a robot: he'd walk real slow and make beeping sounds, like we weren't trying to win or anything! I pulled him off the field and told him, “Act like a kid and stop obsessing over something so frigg'n stupid. Who gives a crap about robots, anyway? You're no robot. You're a fucking nobody!” I wanted to help him, but he started to cry, which made me madder and, before I knew it, I was hitting him in the face. I just wanted him to play soccer and act like a normal kid.

194

E. coli
stands for
Escherichia coli.
It's basically a virus that can get into your stomach and make trouble. Encyclopedia Britannica, Volume E.

195

Don't believe me? Check out this note where Maria McGillis talks about me. I'm famous! See
Exhibit C
, in
Appendix and Exhibits.

196

Now, Robert. I was thinking we could try out a little exercise. This may sound strange, but I want you to draw an Easter eggâhowever you like. Just let yourself go free, wherever it takes you. Find that scary place and explore so you don't feel afraid anymore.

197

Oh. O.K., Francine. Where do you want me to draw the egg?

198

Right here, in your book!

199

O.K.. that's a start. But I want you to really explore. Really explore!

200

Better, a little crazy, but that's O.K. Try harder. Squeeze it out of yourself.

201

Wait. What's going on! Who's that? Is that you? Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!

202

Holy crap! Who are you, Robert Hamburger?

203

Dammit, Robert, you are NOT a ninja! Get the wig.

204

No!

205

What?

206

I said, no!

207

Get over here, you fucking retard.

208

Now, put on the wig!

209

No! It itches. Ahhhhh, my nipples!

210

Now, get in the box!

211

Can I keep the lid open this time?

212

Shut up!

213

John, you've got to get me out of here. I've got to escape. They only keep me around so they can claim me as a dependant on their taxes. Don't believe me? Look at
Exhibit E!
Can you drive me to the bus station or something? I'm going to Japan/China.

214

I don't know, man. That would be kidnapping and I can't get anything else on my record.

215

It's not kidnapping when the kid wants to go!

216

Can't you wait a couple years till they grow out of it? Just try to stay out of their way and keep quiet till you're old enough to move out on your own. It worked for me.

I have to go, John. I'm a ninja and stuff. Are you going to help me?

217

I
was thinking, Robert. If you weren't so pumped all the time, then maybe you wouldn't get yourself in all the trouble that you do
âJohn, ed.

218

Are you serious?

219

Listen, man. One time I was applying for jobs and I thought that if I acted like myself, then they'd think I was cool and hire me. But if they didn't like it, then I wouldn't want to work there anyway. So I showed up to the interview wearing a diaper with a matching baby-bonnet. And needless to say, I didn't get the job or any other job when I acted like that. It's just that you have to sometimes hide those things about yourself that people don't like. Don't get me wrong. You don't have to act that way all the time. You can express yourself when you're alone in your room, but otherwise you won't be able to fit in. And sometimes fitting in is important. So, for your own sake, maybe you should try expressing your love for ninjas quietly or in a more constructive way, and maybe you could try not to be so pumped up all the time. Maybe you would have gotten into that ninja clan if you were a little calmer.

220

Are you sure, John? It just doesn't feel right.

221

It's just a thought.

222

How do you feel, Robert?

223

I feelâ