Read Real Ultimate Power Online
Authors: Robert Hamburger
Real Ultimate Power (17 page)
How to Make Your Own Ninja Suit out of Stuff
A
nybody who needs somebody needs a ninja suit. Ninja suits are basically made out of cloth and buttons. Every ninja has one. Most of them are black so they can blend into the night. And if your baby-sitter gives you one because you guys are “homies” but out of nowhere he brings some other kid over who he's been baby-sitting
all along
when you thought you were the only one and you feel cheated and have to rip the suit into chunks because you know that the other kid could never afford one and you want to see him cry, then watch out because baby-sitters only make you feel empty
227
at
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the
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end
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of
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summer.
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Anyway, the best place to start for a ninja suit is Gramma. Just tell her you actually want black pajamas this Christmas. But if your gramma is dead from stomach cancer after eating aspirin everyday, you should probably just make your own. Personally, I prefer to make them myself and anyone can, if they have the passion. You just go find some black cloth and sew it all together and it should look like this when you're done.
nybody who needs somebody needs a ninja suit. Ninja suits are basically made out of cloth and buttons. Every ninja has one. Most of them are black so they can blend into the night. And if your baby-sitter gives you one because you guys are “homies” but out of nowhere he brings some other kid over who he's been baby-sitting
all along
when you thought you were the only one and you feel cheated and have to rip the suit into chunks because you know that the other kid could never afford one and you want to see him cry, then watch out because baby-sitters only make you feel empty
227
at
228
the
229
end
230
of
231
summer.
232
Anyway, the best place to start for a ninja suit is Gramma. Just tell her you actually want black pajamas this Christmas. But if your gramma is dead from stomach cancer after eating aspirin everyday, you should probably just make your own. Personally, I prefer to make them myself and anyone can, if they have the passion. You just go find some black cloth and sew it all together and it should look like this when you're done.
Make Your Own Badass Ninja Weapons
Did You Know?
Nobody can kill a ninja, so if two ninjas started fighting each other, they would probably malfunction and start beeping and smoking.
I
n the olden times, ninjas weren't allowed to carry around real weapons. The local governments made having weapons illegal, because they said so. So, basically, they had to make their own to protect themselves from burglars. In this section, I'm going to teach you how to make your own weapons, too.
n the olden times, ninjas weren't allowed to carry around real weapons. The local governments made having weapons illegal, because they said so. So, basically, they had to make their own to protect themselves from burglars. In this section, I'm going to teach you how to make your own weapons, too.
The difference between dying and
not-dying
might be your perspective. Like, most people, when they look at a pencil, they just see a simple pencil, but a ninja, when
he
looks at the same exact pencil, he sees a super skinny school bus whose wheels popped off. Now, look around your own room for possible weapons. Anything will do. You could knock someone's tooth out with just a simple marble or you can whip their back with a jump rope.
not-dying
might be your perspective. Like, most people, when they look at a pencil, they just see a simple pencil, but a ninja, when
he
looks at the same exact pencil, he sees a super skinny school bus whose wheels popped off. Now, look around your own room for possible weapons. Anything will do. You could knock someone's tooth out with just a simple marble or you can whip their back with a jump rope.
Now, let's get started with making some real weapons.
Ninja Stars
When hanging with their clan, ninjas generally don't toss around real metal ninja stars. 'Cause if one ninja does it, then everybody's going to do it, and then some lamp gets busted and everybody has to go home and then what? They use paper stars that you can âmake, too. All you need is a sheet
233
of
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paper
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and
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a
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little
238
bit
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of
240
anger.
241
Just
242
follow
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the
244
picture
245
on the right
246
for
247
REAL
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paper
249
stars.
250
233
of
234
paper
235
and
236
a
237
little
238
bit
239
of
240
anger.
241
Just
242
follow
243
the
244
picture
245
on the right
246
for
247
REAL
248
paper
249
stars.
250
Boner
My ultimate fantasy would be like this: The scene would open up to no smoke. There is a back yard just laying there. The camera moves around and sees this hot babe sitting on a chair, sunbathing. She's very, very hot. Plus, it's summer outsideâso she's even hotter. Then the audience will see that she's getting hungry, so she gets a banana from her purse. And just when she opens the banana peel, BOOM! the fence behind her explodes. The camera goes all crazy and jiggles and there's smoke everywhere. The babe looks over and sees a gigantic hole in the fence with smoke pouring out. Then music starts pumping up hard. I walk out of the smoky fence-hole real slow, wearing a crotchless gorilla suit. The babe drops the banana and we pork all night long.
Sometimes parents are too busy with themselves to talk to their kids about sex. Maybe this happened to you. Maybe it didn't. I don't know. Or sometimes they're just too shy to talk about pee-pees and wee-wees. So maybe you're the one who has to start the conversation and
teach them.
You can start it from an event you both seeâtry taking them to the zoo and watch the animals hump. But make sure to use the coolest names for the body parts. This will put them at ease. And make sure you're
approachable,
too. Wear light fitting clothing. Cologne doesn't hurt either. My main point is that if you don't talk to them about sex, your parents may never ask. Teaching a parent about porking can be pretty tough, but you can begin with one of the hottest topics aliveâthe boner. Ninjas have the best ones and everybody else's is just “not bad.” And don't worry if yours isn't normal. There isn't really any normal. If yours looks different than the other kids in gym class, that's O.K. And if yours isn't as big as theirs either, that's O.K., too! You probably have special talents they don't have. Maybe you can climb the rope faster than everybody else or you're super smart. But if you're not the smartest or tallest, maybe you can do the splits in the bathtub and there isn't anybody else who can do that. So they can shut their mouth.
teach them.
You can start it from an event you both seeâtry taking them to the zoo and watch the animals hump. But make sure to use the coolest names for the body parts. This will put them at ease. And make sure you're
approachable,
too. Wear light fitting clothing. Cologne doesn't hurt either. My main point is that if you don't talk to them about sex, your parents may never ask. Teaching a parent about porking can be pretty tough, but you can begin with one of the hottest topics aliveâthe boner. Ninjas have the best ones and everybody else's is just “not bad.” And don't worry if yours isn't normal. There isn't really any normal. If yours looks different than the other kids in gym class, that's O.K. And if yours isn't as big as theirs either, that's O.K., too! You probably have special talents they don't have. Maybe you can climb the rope faster than everybody else or you're super smart. But if you're not the smartest or tallest, maybe you can do the splits in the bathtub and there isn't anybody else who can do that. So they can shut their mouth.
The ninja would never pork somebody who would just use them for their own personal benefit or who would say they like you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, but only like you thiiis much. And if you want to be a real ninja, you should only mate with someone who likes you for YOU, not because you can slam dunk or smoke or have a driver's licenseâthat's ludicrous. If you have trouble getting started, here are some qualities you should probably look for in a mate:
Has to be good at video games (maybe not all of them, but a good amount)Doesn't care if room is messy, âcause it really doesn't matter in the endLiving in an aquatic city has to be a possibility, but she can't be obsessed with itâthat might be a turnoffGood at cards, but not too goodNiceFriendlyDoesn't have a beard, but if she does, then it has to be temporaryLikes chiliGood at kitesKnowledge about robots and time travel is a plus, but isn't a necessityLikes dogs (will let them French face or ears)Won't yell at youDoesn't have club feet, but if she does, has to be able to hit a baseball with themDoesn't get drunk, puke, and make you clean it up withyour
beach towel
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