Authors: Robert Hamburger

Real Ultimate Power (12 page)

BOOK: Real Ultimate Power

2.92Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

Read Book Download Book

ads

How to Tell If a Ninja Is Trying
¹⁹¹to
¹⁹²Kill You or Trying to Hang Out with You

Did You Know?

Dear badass dogs of planet Earth,

I like you.

I
f you suspect that a ninja is around your neighborhood, then you might want to find out if they want to murder you OR just hang out. Once, there was this kid who thought that a ninja wanted to chill with himâso he hung himself from a tree hoping the ninja would come save him to hang out. But yeah right, all the ninja did was tickle his feet while he starved for breath. Somebody messed up. But what's worse is that this one girl thought a ninja wanted to murder her, so she mailed herself to a space colony, started a new life there, and met a seemingly nice man who would later make her feel unappreciated and fat. But the ninja down on Earth only wanted to gossip and talk about horses and that's it! So if you too suspect that a ninja is around town, then you need to think first before you do anything. Fortunately, Francine and I created this short list of things to help you out, but it's not complete, because ninjas are pretty creative. Knowledge, my friend, is the key to living
or
dying.

A ninja is trying to hang out with you if ...	A ninja is trying to kill you if ...
There are poop sprinkles in your underpants.	Those poop sprinkles in your underpants are glass.
After pausing your video game and eating lunch, you come back and see that the game has advanced past the part you you could never, ever beat.	After returning to your game, you see that you lost all your lives and somebody bukkakied on the TV.
You find a can of beer in your pillow case.	You find a can of root beer in your pillow case.
When you eat chocolate ice cream, it tastes like spicy chili.	When you eat chocolate ice cream, it tastes like a colon.
While sleeping in a sleeping bag, you eventually wake up.	You just keep sleeping.
When playing at a friend's house, you end up staying up till you can't play anymore or just just fall asleep.	When playing at your buddy's place, your mom calls for you to come home, but she sounds super scared.
Inside your lunch bag, you find amazing candy treats that would make even the strongest kid drip urine.	In your lunch bag, you find raw carrots and dandruff.
While picking your nose, you find a chocolate chip.	While picking your nose, you find a chocolate chip.

Dealing with Ninjas on a Personal Level

Did You Know?

Ninjas totally respect life and enjoy plants and animals, but remember, they are completely willing to kill you if you start acting like a retard.

I
f a ninja wants to kill you there's pretty much nothing you can do. You can tell all your family that you hate them before you go, but that's about it. But if you think you're lucky, you could try putting a bowl of chili outside your window. If a ninja is about to kill you and he's sneaking through your window, he might see the chili, eat it, and come inside your room and hug you while you're sleeping, holding you in his arms, rocking you back and forth, wishing for a better life for you, somewhere far away from here. If this happens, then just lie there and enjoy it. And don't move either, because I heard that there was one kid who woke up and the ninja was really embarrassed, and it got pretty weird for everybody involved.

Other than that, there isn't much you can do. And don't try to run either, 'cause it won't workâthese guys are ninjas. But let's say a ninja
does
want to hang out with you. What if you screw up and look like a moron? Then what? Nobody's going to like you, that's what. Here's a little guide to dealing with ninjas when you encounter one:

Arranging Rides

If a ninja can't get over to your house, he can't hang out with you. It sounds simple, but people often forget. Ask your mom if she'll pick him up. If she can't, then ask if the ninja can get a ride over if your mom will give him a ride home. As long as one parent isn't doing all the driving, no one's going to feel overburdened.

Conversation

Now, after saying hello, you need to keep the conversation going. Don't just sit there and stare at him, no matter how awesome he is. Ninjas know how sweet they are, and they don't need people telling them every second. Try to bring up topics they enjoy, even if you're not into it that much, like spacecrafts, dead people, or fire. Act interested in what they're talking aboutâthis will make them want to be with you and hang out next time you ask. Here are some questions you can use to get the conversation started:

What's your favorite weapon?

Do you use evil or good magic? Why?

What's the dumbest thing you ever heard somebody say?

Oh, man that would be so awesome to kill people for money. Dude, how many people have you killed? Were you scared?

What type of music are you into?

Are you having any trouble at home?

Sharing

Now a ninja might want to play with your things. Let him, because even if he breaks your stuff it can be replaced, but your life cannot. BUT if he gets too pushy and doesn't give you a turn, you need to say something like, “Umm. Hello. I would like to play with that
now.”
'Cause, if you act like a wimp, the ninja will think you're worthless, because you don't have anyone else and you really need this. By acting like a wimpy baby, you give the ninja permission to mistreat you. And that doesn't have to happen.

Acting Cool

Once you get a ninja in your room, don't lose it and start screaming out the window for your friends to come over and look at him. That would be pretty annoying, especially if a ninja just wants to chill. Just pretend that it's cool that he came over and you're not going to crap your pants about it. Put on some music and make sure that you relax, too. Remember, it's your house! A lot of people forget that when they have guests over, and they end up not enjoying themselves at all. But the whole point of hanging out is having fun.

Also, pretend that this type of thing happens a lot. And think of some cool stuff to say like, “Yo, there's this guy in my school, he says he can hold his breath for over twenty minutes, but nobody believes him.” And tell the ninja about cool stuff you can do, without sounding like you're bragging, like, “Yo, one time I kicked a soccer ball so hard it knocked out this kid's retainer. Everybody was laughing their asses off. It was pretty awesome. You should have been there.” Now, that one got me invited to a barmitzvah once, but you can't use itâthat's my line.
¹⁹³

Petting

After you guys have hung out for a couple hours, a ninja might try to sniff your hand. Don't freak out. He's just getting to know you. You must speak softly in a lovely voice. This will put him at ease. And don't make any sudden moves. Now, when petting, make sure to hold your hand PALM DOWN. If you have your palm up, he might think you're going to hit him, because someone might have hit him in the past. Then you can begin to pet. Make sure to go with the fur, otherwise they might get colicky. After you're done petting, wash your hands. You can pick up diseases from their fur, like
E. coli.
¹⁹⁴So don't forget to wash your fingers, before stuffing them back in your mouth.

Attire

Ninjas are attracted to shiny things, like freshly washed cans or medallions. So don't wear anything like that, since they might chew on it. I don't understand why this happens.

Feeding

Ninjas' favorite foods are sushi, egg rolls, chicken, curry, tacos, pizza, leaves, apples, and spicy-chili. Most of the time, a ninja only wants the food in your hand, but if your fingers get in the way, they might eat them, too! They might not know where the taco ends and your fingers begin. So DON'T CURL YOUR FINGERS while feeding. Keep your hand spread wide open.