Real Ultimate Power (10 page)

Every ninja has a sensei. A sensei is basically a ninja's teacher, but in a good way. Most of them live in dojos, but it's not a necessity. Their main job is to train ninjas to do everything—from shaving to breaking necks. There is this one sensei.
He is amazing
. Like when you say something, his eyebrows jump up and he even turns his head toward you! Unfortunately, his pupil—a spoiled idiot—never appreciated the little things the sensei did for him. For his pupil's fourteenth birthday, the sensei gave him a huge party. He even had Gloria Estefan's make-up artist, Janet, come and give everybody fake tattoos, which was awesome! I got one of a Chinese symbol that said “Hello!” But this one kid, Trey, said that symbol really meant “faggot.” I don't know why Janet would do that if she
didn't even know me
. Besides, Trey's NEVER allowed to watch TV, and when the sensei put the TV in the backyard, because Mark wanted movies during his party, Trey went nuts! He just kept staring at it and everything. And when one kid started talking loud, Trey put him in a headlock and told him to be quiet in a super-weird voice. Most everybody freaked out, and half the kids called their moms to go home. I didn't leave, though, because the sensei was trying to keep the party going with dance and drink. But the important thing was that after the party, the sensei asked Mark if he got everything he wanted for his birthday And he said, “Nah ... I didn't like it. No turkey sandwiches.” I saw the sensei's eyes get all wet, but they didn't drip. I couldn't stand it, and I ran back behind the sensei's shed and crumpled up my shirt and cried inside it. The sensei only wanted to make his pupil happy. That's all. But no. The pupil didn't even care, 'cause he didn't know what it's like in other dojos, where nobody's ever heard of fake tattoos or birthday presents or hugs or even Gloria Estefan's make-up artist,
¹²⁸
Janet.
¹²⁹

Even though senseis teach their pupils a boatload of information, they don't learn
everything
from them. And for some ninjas who don't even have a sober sensei, there's got to be some place where they learn the basics. That's why there's summer camp. The first day is basically for getting to know everybody else—where they're from, their favorite animals and stuff. Then everybody plays volleyball, HARD! After that, they learn stuff, like hiding, sneaking around, and stealing girls' underwear—the basics. Then if they get caught 'cause it was ONLY THEIR FIRST TIME and nobody's perfect at sneaking around, they make the ninja take a mental test to measure their psychic energies. You have to fit these different shaped blocks into different holes. A regular person fits the circle block into the circle hole and the square into the square. But a real ninja—I mean, a really real one—doesn't mess around with that crap. A real ninja slams the block into whatever damn hole they want. And if you pass the test, you have what it takes, and they immediately take you out of the camp. And, congratulations, you've made it to level eight, which is pretty high, if you ask anybody.

Dear Robert,

 

In reply to your letters, I'm sorry to inform you that
Diane's House of Yoga
will not
be admitting you into our school. This is not, as your mother might think, a baby-sitting service. DHY is a serious school in the spiritual, mental, existential, philosophical, and physical art of yoga. And, trust me, it is an art.

 

Furthermore, yoga is not about killing people. We don't “stretch the hell out of our opponents.” Yoga is about building inner strength, but more importantly—inner peace. Killing is
not
in our curriculum. Life means a lot to us here: we would prefer to better the lives of others rather than diminish them. That's why our motto is “Mo Yoga, Mo Life.” You see, I take yoga very seriously. So, you can understand why I don't take kindly to those who would misuse its techniques to harm any form of life, whether it be plant, animal, or parent. The goodness of Earth's life force is within you, Robert. Even though it's misdirected, I can tell by your passion that you have real power. But you just need to calm down. Turn your life around as I did, and do something constructive with all that energy of yours, like build a doll house out of popsicle sticks or make a cardboard hat. Then maybe, after you've done some growing, mentally and spiritually, we can talk about getting you into some real yoga classes. Sound good?

 

Your friend
¹³⁶
and
¹³⁷
protector
¹³⁸
of
¹³⁹
the
¹⁴⁰
Earth's
¹⁴¹
life
¹⁴²
force,
¹⁴³

Diane
¹⁴⁴
Patton
¹⁴⁵