Real Ultimate Power (22 page)
Read Real Ultimate Power Online
Authors: Robert Hamburger
68
I don't know what I am.
69
Mom, do you believe in me?
70
What do you mean
believe in you?
believe in you?
71
You know. Do you think I could do anything I want to?
72
I don't think you could fly or see the future.
73
No, Mom! I mean like be President or something?
74
Doubt it
.
.
75
What about Governor?
76
Nope
.
.
77
Mayor?
78
How big is the town?
79
REALLY SMALL.
80
How
small?
small?
81
A couple people.
82
Maybe
.
.
83
MOM!
84
What
!
!
85
Look!
86
What!
87
I'm doing the splits!
88
That's dumb
.
.
89
Dude, I found this note plastered on several trees in the neighborhood. Would you happen to know anything about it?
âJohn,
ed.
âJohn,
ed.
Dear Anybody,
If you would like to kidnap me, then please go right ahead. I can vacuum and I have a dog that's awesome. I can't do back flips yet, but that doesn't mean I won't be able to in the future.
I get out of school around 3:30. You could do it then or when I take out the trash on Saturday mornings, around eight o'clock. But I go right back to bed after I take out the trashâso you probably won't see me outside till later that afternoon. Sometimes my dog and I wrestle outside on the front lawn, but we don't have a set time for that kind of stuff. You could just wait across the street in a van or black Cadillac and strike whenever. Or, you could send me a signal, maybe a note taped to the dog, that tells me where and when and then I'll make sure to be there and go limp when you start chasing me. Is that cool?
Hope to be hearing from you,
your future roommate,
Robert
90
No way! I didn't write that. That must be the other Robertâthe one down the
street.
street.
91
But he's over fifty years old!
92
Yeah, but he's having trouble at home.
93
I had no idea.
94
Robert, I think you've hit something very important here. What makes something totally sweet? Is it because people think it's sweet? Or is it because there's some necessary property of the ninja that makes it totally sweet? That is, ninjas are sweet regardless of what people think about them, because the characteristic of being a ninja implies being sweet. Let me define some terms first. A
necessary property
is a property an object has because it follows from another property the object is defined as having. For example, suppose I define a triangle as a three sided figure. From the property of being three sided, it follows that a triangle has the necessary property of having three corners, because if the triangle didn't have three corners, it couldn't have three connecting sides. Simple enough. Further,
a contingent property
is a property that doesn't follow from properties an object is defined as having. Taking our above definition of triangle, it doesn't follow that a triangle has to have sides of equal length, since a figure can have three sides of differing lengths and still be a triangle. O.K., now the question remains whether sweetness is a necessary or contingent property of a ninja. If it's a necessary property, then a ninja is sweet no matter what. If it's contingent, then, I hate to say it, it's possible that a ninja might not be sweet. Although ninjas don't like to be defined, we'll do so for the purposes of this argument. Let's say that a ninja is a being that flips out and kills people, walls on guitars, and porks more babes than anybody. Now we have to ask if it's possible to be flipping out and kill people, wail on guitars, and pork more babes than anybody and not be sweet. Needless to say, the answer is no. Nobody can do all that stuff and not be sweet. So sweetness is a necessary property of ninjas. So ninjas are sweet no
matter what
.
âJohn, ed.
necessary property
is a property an object has because it follows from another property the object is defined as having. For example, suppose I define a triangle as a three sided figure. From the property of being three sided, it follows that a triangle has the necessary property of having three corners, because if the triangle didn't have three corners, it couldn't have three connecting sides. Simple enough. Further,
a contingent property
is a property that doesn't follow from properties an object is defined as having. Taking our above definition of triangle, it doesn't follow that a triangle has to have sides of equal length, since a figure can have three sides of differing lengths and still be a triangle. O.K., now the question remains whether sweetness is a necessary or contingent property of a ninja. If it's a necessary property, then a ninja is sweet no matter what. If it's contingent, then, I hate to say it, it's possible that a ninja might not be sweet. Although ninjas don't like to be defined, we'll do so for the purposes of this argument. Let's say that a ninja is a being that flips out and kills people, walls on guitars, and porks more babes than anybody. Now we have to ask if it's possible to be flipping out and kill people, wail on guitars, and pork more babes than anybody and not be sweet. Needless to say, the answer is no. Nobody can do all that stuff and not be sweet. So sweetness is a necessary property of ninjas. So ninjas are sweet no
matter what
.
âJohn, ed.
95
Robert, go to bed RIGHT NOW!
96
O.K., Mom.
97
What was that?
99
Yeah, that's what I thought! You know it's not too late to send you to an orphanage, with that attitude you've got. And I'll do it, too. Watch me. You just be thankful that you've got a roof over your head and parents that tolerate you very much.
100
I was thinking, Robert, doesn't being pumped all the time make you tired?
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
101
I have to sleep once in a while, but when I do, I do it hard. I
slam
my head into the pillow.
slam
my head into the pillow.
102
Though, not just
any
relative could be one. There's no way moms are ninjas.
any
relative could be one. There's no way moms are ninjas.
103
Yeah, a lot of people get that confused. Some are inclined to believe that moms may be ninjas, but this belief is obviously false when we consider the properties of moms and ninjas. If a mom is a ninja, then a mom is numerically identical to a ninjaâthat is, they are one and the same object. Two objects are numerically identical if and only if they have all the same properties (intrinsic and relational). Intrinsic properties are properties an object has in and of itself, not in relation to other objectsâhaving a particular genetic makeup is an intrinsic property. Relational properties are properties that an object has in relation to other objectsâhaving cut off Billy's head is a relational property. Suppose that moms and ninjas are numerically identical. Now, let's look at the properties of moms and ninjas. Both ninjas and moms scream a lotâso they both have the property of screaming. But, moms will always try to stop you from flipping out, while ninjas get pissed when you don't. So, ninjas have the property of wanting you to flip out, while moms don't. But, if moms and ninjas were numerically identical, then moms and ninjas would have all the same properties. But, as we can see above, ninjas have a property that moms don't have. So moms and ninjas don't have all the same properties. So, moms and ninjas aren't numerically identical! So, a mom cannot be a
ninja.âJohn, ed.
ninja.âJohn, ed.
104
What a relief. Thanks, John. I thought that was true, but I didn't know how to express it. Now I feel pumped
and
peaceful.
and
peaceful.
105
No problem, homey.
106
You know what would be badass?
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
107
What?
108
Somebody driving a car while they're doing the splits. They'd have each leg hanging out a window and their torso sticking out the sunroof.
109
Dude! That would be so sweet. But how are they going to hit the gas?
110
Levers, duh!
111
Dude, check out what I found on the kitchen counter!
âJohn, Ed
.
âJohn, Ed
.
112
What is it?
113
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger,
Notes to parents are rarely welcome and I'm sorry to say that this one is no different. We often make mistakes in our fives we'd rather not take credit for, like my taking this job and, I suspect, you having Robert.
During class discussion, your son Robert has consistently produced an erection, preventing the other children from learning, and
I will not have that in my school. Furthermore, he has encouraged the popular kids (who are awesome) to tease him regularly. And it's hard enough trying to run a school without kids screaming and yelling cuss words all day.
At times like these, it's comforting to know that our children have some understanding of right and wrong. Robert is missing this quality. So, I am asking your permission to spank your son at school, maybe between classes or during lunch time, depending on how my day is going. I don't know if that's permitted in your home and, if it's not, maybe it's time to come over to our side. Kids Robert's age need to know that bad behavior will result in painful spankings, just like in real life. How are you supposed to explain to these kids that they shouldn't do something wrong, harmful, or disrespectful, when they don't even understand that they can't survive in space without a helmet or that an erection isn't made from real bone? Now, if you would like to talk in person about spanking techniques and bedtimes, feel free to give my secretary a call and set up an appointment. If you could get back to me as soon as possible, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you,
Dr. Shram, Ph.D.
And look, here's the reply letter!
Dear Dr. Shram,
You cannot imagine the embarrassment I endure when Robert “loses it” in front of people who don't know Rick and me. I want to tell them it's not our fault and that we have perfectly nice lives when he's not around. For example, I got a new job and I'm doing great. A lot of parents complain that their child has trouble in school or is hyperactive. I'd give anything for a kid who was just hyperactive. So, we don't care what you do. We are so proud to have you in our school district. Let us know if you need any help at school, too. Maybe Rick and I could chaperon some eventâanything where we can yell at people. We'll do what it takes to make this community a nice, normal place.
Yours,
Rick and Charlotte
114
IT'S A FRIGG'N CONSPIRACY!
115
Dude, what are we gonna do
?
?
117
Dude, can we do that
?
?
118
Why not? You dictate what you want me to write. O.K.?
119
O.K.
Dear Principal,
What's your problem? Robert's cool. So get a life and don't bother me with this trivial crap. You DON'T have permission to spank Robert, because he's above that. Oh, and, by the way, have you ever tried to shut-up? If not, you should try it sometimeâI hear it works.
Au revoir,
Robert's parents, both of them
P.S. Don't mail letters here anymore, because if you do, we'll kill you.
120
Dude, we can't send that!
121
FRIGG'N SEND ITâIT'S AWESOME!
122
Man, how much can one person talk about ninjas? I still can't believe that after all this time, you're still into them.
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
123
Well, they're awesome!
124
Yeah, yeah. I know. And I know your parents suck, too. But, I can't help thinking that your obsession is causing at least
some
of your problems. Listen, I used to work at a telemarketing company once, and there was a guy there who was obsessed with bees. He'd always read magazines about honey during his breaks. And he'd talk to the other co-workers about their experiences with bees and stinging. But the problem was that he was just too
into them
. When he would call people to market a product, he would just end up asking them to look in their backyard and see if there were hives back there. Then, he'd start sweating when they described what they saw. So, the boss got pretty annoyed. And after a while, nobody wanted to talk to him, because he was just too weird. His problem was that he didn't try to adjust himself to the world.
some
of your problems. Listen, I used to work at a telemarketing company once, and there was a guy there who was obsessed with bees. He'd always read magazines about honey during his breaks. And he'd talk to the other co-workers about their experiences with bees and stinging. But the problem was that he was just too
into them
. When he would call people to market a product, he would just end up asking them to look in their backyard and see if there were hives back there. Then, he'd start sweating when they described what they saw. So, the boss got pretty annoyed. And after a while, nobody wanted to talk to him, because he was just too weird. His problem was that he didn't try to adjust himself to the world.
125
But why couldn't the world adjust to him?
126
Man, I don't know. It's not that easy. You're a cool kid and I don't want you to be
that guy
when you grow up.
that guy
when you grow up.
127
I guess you're right. Bees are pretty retarded.
128
“No turkey sandwiches?” Fuck that kid. He needs to get his ass beat.
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
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