Raised By Wolves Volume four- Wolves (55 page)

animal?”“Aye,” he agreed with a smile. “If the sheep aren’t

 

alarmed, the deer willnot be as easily alarmed. They willstillsee that youwalk ontwo legs, though.”

“Well, as she is already wearing what could be considered the sheep’s skin, and if we all profess her to be a sheep, then she merely needs to remember to crouch down. Which brings us to what I originally said: the lady needs to learn to act more like a sheep—or man. If she looks the part—to the best of our abilities—and acts the part, and we allvouch for her, thenwe should be able to pullthe woolover their eyes.”

Cudro rumbled withamusement.
“SheStillSmellsWrong,”Pete grumped.
“Then we must rally round her at alltimes and insure that

no one is tryingto take a whiffofher,”I said.
“I am sure if you all stand close no one will be able to
detect mydelicate
odour
,”Chris said venomously.
“I amactually not concerned about the matter of smell,”
I said.
“Aye, I must learnto piss while standing,”she sighed. “Nay,” I said to her and regarded Ash—who was
studying the deck between his heels with a troubled frown. “I am
concerned that one of us will betray you—by accident, most
likely. That is always the weakness of a ruse involving many. To
avoid that, I suggest we begin to think of you, and refer to you,
inthe masculine. We must schoolourselves to not consider youa woman masquerading as a man, but as the youth we will claim you to be. To that end, we must police one another. I believe
there willbe trouble for allifthis matter is uncovered.” “Aye,” Cudro said. “Most articles proscribe the
smugglingaboard ofwomenand boys.”
“We will not have to sign any articles proscribing such
things,” I said, “as we will not be roving; but, for the reason you
spoke of earlier, I see how the matter will not be received
gracefully ifrevealed.” I could wellimagine the trouble we would
face if several hundred buccaneers stopped cavorting with their
matelots inorder to come and stand about our camp tryingto get
a glimpse ofcreamyfemale skin—or worse.
Ash sighed as he turned and found my gaze upon him.
“You are correct. I might betray the endeavor. But… I cannot
conceive ofher as beingmale.”
“
Him
,” I corrected. “Merely think of
him
as a very
effete male. There are no women here: there is only Gaston’s
oddly-effete cousin.”
Who you are attracted to in a sexual
manner
, I thought, but did not add out of deference to Cudro. I
dearly hoped they could resolve the matter. As for Ash’s purely
normal male feelings for Chris, telling himself she was a he was
not likely to help with any confusion he was suffering over being
a sodomite inCudro’s burlyarms.
“There’llBeMen EnuffCrawlin’ AllO’er
Him
,” Pete said
as if it were a curiosity. “’Cause WeBeSayin’’EBeA
BoyThatLooksLikeAGirl.”
I looked to him and sighed in agreement. “Aye, he will
be the object of many wandering eyes, as there are ever those

men who are attracted to youths; and as for those who are

men who are attracted to youths; and as for those who are attracted to women—their cocks will surely find appeal with him even if they truly believe him to be male. The only people we need not be concerned with are the true sodomites who prefer their men masculine in all ways. So, though we will provide the blind to disguise
his
true nature, we will be fighting an uphill battle, as
he
willattract more thanthe normalamount ofattention a newcomer would.”

“So you are worried I will be courted
because
they will think I ama man?”Chris asked withincredulity.
I laughed. “Aye, whyis that difficult to envision?”
“Perhaps because I am not a sodomite,” she—nay,
he
—said archly.
“It would be best ifhe had a matelot,”Gastonsaid.
I was looking down the boat when he said it, and thus I saw Ash’s surprise and the hope briefly light his face. I looked above him to his matelot, and saw that Cudro had witnessed what I had. The pain on the big man’s face tore at my heart. I owed himmuch for forcing Chris into their lives. For a moment I was tempted to shoot
her
and toss her over the side and thus solve the entire problem.
Then Cudro’s square face pursed with interest and amusement. I followed his gaze and found Pete.
To my amusement, my matelot was also looking at Pete. The Golden One was aware of their scrutiny—and its reason— and he was staringat the skywithaninjured frown.
With a cruel chuckle, I told the Golden One. “You would onlyneed to pretend.”

He swore vehemently, and I laughed at his

He swore vehemently, and I laughed at his disparagement ofmyancestry.
“Youmust be jesting,”Chris said.
“What else will you do?” I asked Pete. “Do you wish to be free to seek another?”
“Nay!”he roared. “IGotAMatelot!”
I was pleased for Striker’s eventual sake that Pete still thought thuslyonthat manner.
“Believe me; I am not suggesting you dishonor that,” I said quickly. “I ammerely saying it would serve a usefulpurpose for you to… keep anyone from smelling…
him
—or attempting

to.” “Aye, but I do not see how it can work,” Cudro said

seriously. “ThoughPete is the onlyone ofus free to do so…”He shrugged. “Everyone knows of him and Striker. They will not believe Pete willhave takenup withsome slender youth.”

“Aye,” Pete said firmly. “’
E
NaBeTheKindISeek. NoOneWouldBelieveIt.”
There was a smallhole in Pete’s logic, but Gaston spoke before I could.
“Especially if they do not fuck,” Gaston said with sad amusement. “Aye, we will need to quickly locate another candidate once we are there.”
“Aye,” I sighed, “but that will entail adding another to our secret, and thus endangering it that much more. But Pete, why would no one believe it? They have only seen you with Striker. Perhaps he was a fluke of circumstance. Others do not necessarily know what kind of man puts the wind in your sails; theyonlyknow the manyouhave loved these manyyears.” theyonlyknow the manyouhave loved these manyyears.”
Pete snorted contemptuously. “An’’
E
BeNothin’Like’Im.”
“I willnot do this even ifhe agrees!” Chris cried. “This is madness. I cannot believe that one man pretending to lie with another canadd validityto either beingperceived as men.”
With that, she lost whatever sympathy I might have nurtured for her. “Well,
boy
, if there were any women about, I would sayyoubest pretend to bed them:as you are correct, that would lend far more validity to your claimofmasculinity. But our destination will have no women. And, I sincerely doubt we will find a man there who could make you appear manly in comparison. And as you will not even appear manly enough to be someone’s equal, it would be best for you to pretend to be someone’s catamite; as much as that might offend your sensibilities.”
She flushed anew and looked away with a muttered, “I want to be a man.”
I felt smug at her useless protest, and then I began to wonder at my commitment to the enterprise. Did I truly wish for her success in this, or did I wish for her to fail? Did I truly still harbor such ill will toward her specifically, or was I simply angry in general from some innately male foundation of my being that she should dare usurp what was rightfullyours?And I surelywas angered anew everytime she disparaged sodomites.
She turned fromthe sea and faced me. “I do not wish to be… the one on the bottom. That is why I wish to be a man—to be perceived as a man. I do not wish to be the one who must always
receive
and
submit
to the attentions of those who do always
receive
and
submit
to the attentions of those who do what they will in the world. That is the entire point of being a man: to not be treated as a woman! But you are saying that is impossible.”
I was touched by her poignant earnestness, and pushed fromthe cave of my cloudy thoughts to sprawl awkwardly in the light oftruth.
“I amsorry, Chris,” I said with sincerity. “It is not a thing possible
here
. Not what you wish for. Truly, it… Well, surely you already know it is a thing of comparing one to another in manyminds. Beingmore masculine or feminine injuxtapositionto another is what dictates common notions of masculinity and femininity. You are far more masculine
in thought
than many a courtier I have met, or many of the sodomites, or, of course, women. But this is not the Versailles, this is the West Indies, and men here make most courtly men of Christendom appear to be the weaker sex in comparison. It is a very difficult crowd indeed for the theater youwishto present.
“Suffice it to saythat no matter what youmight wishover the course of your life, you cannot be the manly man here. You must be the effeminate man here. We can possibly—if we are very careful, and you work very hard—convince manly men that you are not a woman; but you will never be perceived as you wish. In Christendom, you could probably pass as a man with greater ease, but it is possible that you might never become manlyenoughto satisfyyour heart there, either.
“You must decide if this will be enough—for now at least. This voyage to Cow Island is a temporary thing. We will go there and see if we can hire a ship to take us to England. go there and see if we can hire a ship to take us to England. Once there, you can do as you wish. I am sure you realize that among us, you will always be
the girl
. But we can endeavor to help youlearnhow to avoid others thinkingthe same.”
She regarded the sea with teary eyes. “I understand, but it is not fair. I should not need to have a husband in order to do as I wish: here, there, as a woman, or while pretending to be a man. Or have to disguise myselfwith some woman who is willing to appear far weaker than I in order to prove my manliness. I cannot see where I would ever want such a woman as a friend, muchless… And I amtrulynot enticed bythem...”she trailed off

sadly. She rubbed her tears away angrily. “It is horrible. It is as

 

if I have been cheated. And then God has seen fit to curse me further stillbyallowingme to realize it.”

She finally surrendered to her sorrow and buried her head in her arms to sob quietly. I looked around and found my companions solemn and once again watching the sea. I wondered why some are content with the lot they are given in life, and others are not. Then I realized that no man on this craft had beencontent:that was whywe were here.

“I have seen very few people who are truly content with what the Gods see fit to give them,” I said kindly. “And those few that are content are complacent cows who accomplish little in life. We must earn our happiness. Perhaps that is part of the lessonofliving.”

Chris snorted disparagingly. “Youdo not face mytrials.” “And you do not face mine,” I countered. “There are things inthis life that I want that I willnever obtain. I daresaythat is true for everyone present.”
“Suchas?”Chris snapped.

“The love of my parents,” I said with amusement. “A home country where I can love as I choose without fear of recrimination or the need for discretion. A place where I can worship as I will.”As I spoke, my amusement fled, and I felt the nip ofmelancholyas the specter ofallwe had just fled rose inmy

thoughts.“Youare stillfar freer thanI,”she said.

“AmI?” I asked with venom. “I amfenced by the notion that men must only love women. You are fenced by the notion that you are a woman. At least you love the proper sex in the eyes of the world. Even
you
constantly disparage my love of men: claiming it a thing that makes me less a man. You seem to happily bow to the supposed providence and primacy of women in matters of men’s hearts and cocks—you who rails against your ownconfines. I find it hypocrisy.”

“Me?” she cried. “You are the one patronizing me with your explanations of why I cannot have what I wish because I willnever be manlyenough.”

I considered the truth of my heart and thankfully found her wrong. “Nay. I have not said that you cannot have what you truly wish in the world, which is to do as men do. I have merely explained why attempting to make yourself into a man will not work—in this locale. You may very likely have to learn to act as mendo while beinga woman.”

“That is impossible!” She made a disparaging gesture that encompassed Ash and Pete. “Men perceive a woman, and then she has no rights and no power unless she schemes to get a good grip ontheir cock.”

“It is about sex,” Gaston said thoughtfully, and all gazes shifted to him. He shrugged at the new scrutiny. “She is somewhat correct: matters of gender are perceived from the perspective ofwho is on top. Allmen and women are steeped in the knowledge and consequences of that power from their first days in the nursery. All our relations with the other sex involve the exercise ofpower. Those who bestow have the power:those who receive purportedly do not. A man can do both, but a woman will never truly possess the instrument required to bestow. Men are born with swords, and women are born with places to put them: wounds or scabbards, depending on their choice.”

She seemed pleased he agreed withher.
He met her smug gaze and spoke kindly. “You cannot avoid… sex. That is what all this talk of manliness is about. No one will believe a slim youth will be allowed to bestow upon a grown man. Will is correct; in Christendom perhaps you can accomplish it, but not here. And you can decry the unfairness of it all you want, but your lot in life has already been drawn. You must make the most ofit.
“And all this talk is truly sophism,” he continued. “This is not about what you want in life. We are sailing to Cow Island. You cannot be seen as a woman there—even if that is what you wished. We must either hide you away completely, or convince all that you are a man by whatever means necessary. If you are discovered to be a woman, we will not be enough to protect you, and you will likely suffer far more than you did at the hands ofmymadness.”
This sobered her, and the self-pity fled her eyes to be replaced byfear. “Whycould younot protect me?”
“They will be angry with us and we’ll be protecting ourselves,” Cudro rumbled. “And no man here can take on a hundred.”
“So you will have to swallow the bitter irony that your quest to be a dominant man and not a submissive woman has led you to this: you must follow orders and play the necessary role, or we will need to be rid of you,” Gaston said with a stillamazingly calmand kind tone despite his words. It was the mask ofhis Wolfphysician, and he was telling a fat man with gout who was to blame.
“I am willing to do everything Will has said,” she protested. “I will learn to piss while standing. I will learn not to blushat… I just… I willnot lie witha man.”
“Nay,” I said, “but you will pretend to—once we find one willingto aid inthis ruse.”
Chris slumped dejectedly. “Where could you put me off?”
Cudro rumbled with amusement. “Well, we’ll be passing a number ofSpanishtowns, or we could saileast to Barbados.”
“Nay,” I said. “Our young gentleman will battle the conflicts raginginhis soul.”
“It will be good for you,” Gaston told her. Then he pulled me close to whisper, “And she is wrong and foolish, being loved byanavowed sodomite makes me feelverymanly.”
I chuckled and kissed him even as I mused on why the Gods were so very different from us in the matter of sex and gender:no Greek or Romanever purportedlyquestionedAthena leading an army into battle. I supposed it was because Gods rode atop us alland thus eventheir womenwere above our men. Yet, the Gods Themselves also seemed to not be troubled over such things. Could we ever aspire to be like the Gods in this matter?