quintessence. (19 page)

He stayed with me. He sat, held my hand, and he made me feel protected. He was there, and he held me up when I couldn’t.

Eda knocked on the door and peeked her head in. “You can get dressed now and then head out. Do you want me to help you?” she asked.

“No, I will be okay, thank you.” Eda stepped to the cot and helped me sit up. She lifted my hand to offer it to Karl. He took it with comfort and without a second thought.

She smiled as she looked to both of us, then shut the door.

“Whew, that’s a weird feeling,” I said. “My head hurts a little, but it isn’t bad. I just feel odd.”

I reached up to untie the back of the gown they had me in and I couldn’t reach it, so Karl did it for me.

He helped me get my arm out of the gown. He lifted his hand back to my bare shoulder and traced along it with the back of his hand before he lifted my shirt to help me put it on. It was a button up, so it made it easier. I put one arm in and he handed me the other one.

He lifted my hair out of the back of the shirt and then leaned down and kissed my neck. It felt natural, pure, and genuine. There was tenderness in it, and a lingering, gentle passion. It was a soothing passion that didn’t feel rushed or needy.

“You just gave me my healing for this. The wound was the stress of the event itself—the uncertainty and fear that held the wound. But you being here, helping me, was the healing.”

He closed his eyes and tilted his head to the ceiling. He ran his hands up my arms and then back down them.

“It’s a healing for me, too.” He smiled and put his hand toward me to take.

“Let’s go face my family, shall we?” I asked.

We walked down the hallway in silence. When we reached the waiting room, only my father remained.

“Toby and Gabe are waiting outside. Your mom is in the bathroom.”

“How was he—Toby?” I asked.

“He’s okay. I spoke to him. Karl, can you give my daughter and me a moment, please?” my dad asked with a smile.

“I’ll go start the car,” Karl said, squeezing my hand before stepping outside. I didn’t envy him—going out there to face Toby. But, knowing what I knew of Karl, he’d not have an issue with it.

“How’re you doing, Maggie?” my dad asked.

“I’m okay. There’s a little headache lingering. I just want to get home and lie down for the rest of the day.”

“I know you do. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. If this is too much now that Toby is here and you want me to get all fatherly and grab a shotgun and send one or both of them on their way, I can do that.” He gave me a serious, pointed expression. It didn’t suit my dad.

I laughed. “Dad, I’m not sure how I’d feel about you holding a shotgun. I imagine I’d be more worried about you hurting yourself than anyone else. But no, I’m okay. I will tell Toby I need to talk to him later. I will do today what I planned to do. I’m going home. I will lie down and watch movies.”

“Do you want your mom and I to come by?” he asked.

“No, that’s okay. I will just have Karl take me home. I need to just mellow out.”

“He does that for you, doesn’t he?” my dad asked as he picked his coat up from the chair behind him and put it on.

“Yes, he does. He makes me feel like I can move slower in life and still move forward. I’m in this place where I’m okay with whatever happens.”

He smiled and put his arm around me. “I’m happy to hear that.”

“Happy to hear what?” my mom said, walking up behind me.

“Oh just that I’m happy to hear that she is doing okay,” my dad said.

“You ready?” I asked my mom.

“Yes, do you want us to take you home now?” she asked me.

“Nope, I’m good. Karl’s waiting for me. I need to at least say hello to Toby,” I said, looking at the tinted window. I tried to plan out the conversation in my head. I didn’t know what to say to him.

“He’s here because he’s concerned about you. You don’t have to say anything except thank you,” my mom said. She put her hand on the side of my face and kissed my forehead. “I’m proud of you. You’re inspiring.”

I laughed. “I did nothing. I just laid there.”

“I know, honey. But you did so much more. You’re so mature and handling this in stride. That’s kind of heartbreaking.”

I laughed. “Mom, I’m doing what I can. I’m more focused on walking across the room without my foot getting lazy and dragging than I am about being an inspiration. I just want to make it through each moment without breaking down. I want to make it through this shit without losing my mind.”

“Well, I don’t think having a love triangle will help with keeping your sanity through this. The doctor said you should try to reduce stress right now,” my mom said.

“Mom, I’m not stressed by this. I know what I want.”

She nodded and gave me a pitying smile as we walked out the door. Karl leaned against his car as he spoke with Toby and Gabe.

They were all laughing. When they saw me coming, Gabe walked toward me and wrapped me in a hug.

“I’m sorry. He called to talk again, and he was on his way home. He said he tried to reach you. He asked too many questions and I couldn’t keep it from him. He’s my friend too, just like you are.”

“I know, Gabe. It’s okay.” I kissed his cheek and let him go.

Toby walked toward me and he gave me the smile he always did. It was shy, and it was sweet. Seeing him reminded me of how young I was before. He and I were in love at one time. Then, when he leaned down to kiss me, I remembered why I had loved him. He made me feel in control and confident. But, it wasn’t from my own confidence. It came from my mother hen nature of taking care of him. I couldn’t take care of him now. I let him kiss me and then he pulled back and looked down at me.

“I will take care of you,” Toby said. I jerked at his words that felt like he read my thoughts.

“No,” I said. I couldn’t put my feelings into words.

It felt wrong being held by him and kissing him. It was different now. I looked past him to Karl, who kept his eyes adverted from us.

Toby followed my gaze. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“What’s wrong? I’ve been going through tests for the last few months trying to figure that out. I will let you know when they give me a definite answer. For now, I need to get home and lie down.”

“Okay, I’ll come with you,” Toby said as he turned to face Karl.

I shook my head, but only Karl saw it

“You can ride with us, Toby,” Karl said. I looked at him with a stunned expression. Why on earth would he suggest that?

“Okay, thanks man. I’ll just get my things from Gabe’s car.”

Toby walked across the parking lot and my parents waved good-bye as they walked to their car. I gave Karl a questioning glare.

“Whoa, not sure why you’re looking at me that way, but you can’t avoid him. He’s been your boyfriend for what—four years now?”

“Yes, but today I just need to lie down and not have any stress.”

“I know, that’s why I’m dropping you and Toby off, and then I will go,” Karl said, not meeting my eyes.

“What? That won’t help with my stress level,” I said with annoyance.

“Yes, it will. I saw how you looked at him when you saw him. You still need to figure some things out. You at least need to talk to him to find the path to figure it out. I think today would be the perfect time for that—you’re supposed to stay lying down for the next twenty-four hours.” He smiled at me as if being trapped would make me more susceptible to learning.

“Well, you guys aren’t helping with that with all this talking,” I said as I climbed in his car. He had the seat laid back for me.

He was right. I needed to talk to Toby. He was right that today was as good of day as any. He was right that having me out of commission for twenty-four hours and at the whim of everyone else was an opportunity for others to help me.

He was right because Karl was always right.

I couldn’t deny it. He always seemed to know what I needed to do.

Her annoyance rolled off her. I didn’t want to leave her alone with Toby. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust him to take care of her. It was because I knew there was a good possibility she wouldn’t need me. She was a strong enough person not to need me. She could fall back into the swing of taking care of Toby and he now had the opportunity to take care of her. This could be what they needed in their relationship.

It hurt to feel the pieces unwind. The thread she had pulled tight had unraveled.

She had her shoulder pressed against the car door and faced me as we waited for Toby to return from running into a gas station. She didn’t lie all the way on her side due to the doctor telling her she needed to stay on her back or her abdomen. I glanced down at her hands and fought with myself. She toyed with her hand and picked at the string on her fingerless mitten.

I reached over and stopped her hands with mine. I interlaced our fingers and smiled at her. She gave a reluctant smile.

“I can’t be mad about this. It’s juvenile,” she said. “I do love him; I will always love him in a way. There is a fondness with him that will be there, but I have to be honest with him and myself. What I felt with him was different. There was an unspoken understanding—yes. But it stopped at that. We reached this depth, and it was as if it wasn’t this vast ocean, but a steady pool. We could see the bottom, we could touch it. But there was only so much to explore together. It felt like home in a way.”

I rolled my thumb across the top of her hand. Home. He felt like home to her. But sometimes, home isn’t where we need to be. Home isn’t a solid, stationary place for some of us. It never was for me. I never felt at home anywhere. My home was everywhere.

“I don’t want to be home for you, Margaret,” I said abruptly and she gave me a sharp expression.

“I don’t want you to be, Karl,” she responded.

She put her other hand on top of mine, encasing it now between both of hers.

“I just want to be. That’s what I’ve learned through all of this. I just want moments to be and not worry. I’ve given up on worrying,” she said as a tear fell.

“You can worry; just don’t let it consume you. Sometimes worry is beneficial. It reminds us we’re human. But when it controls us, that’s when we need to remember that the human race has thumbs,” I said, rolling her thumb between my finger.

She laughed. “Thumbs?”

“Yes, we have thumbs. Think about how amazing they are, and just think about all the things you can do with them. That’s enough to remind anyone how awesome living is.”

She lifted my thumb with her topmost hand and rubbed her own thumb along the side of it. Deep in thought, she traced along the sides and over my thumbnail. “They are fascinating, aren’t they?” she asked with a smile.

“Yes, they are,” I said. Hers in particular were.

__________

I made myself stay in the car as I watched Toby help her up the stairs of her apartment. I needed to know that she made it in okay, and with my hand clenching the door handle, I remained in the car.

Six years ago, I wouldn’t have just driven away. Six years ago, I would’ve told Toby he was an idiot, and he didn’t know how amazing his girlfriend was. If she was even his girlfriend anymore—she wasn’t. I understood that, she understood it, and I was sure Toby knew it.

But, they both needed the time alone. I needed my own time now. I put the car into drive and rode out of town and toward my house. Being around others was invigorating, but there was still that time I needed—just being alone. I had to sort out my thoughts, because I had made nothing in several days. I felt empty. I needed to create in order to not feel empty. Keeping busy, building, working, I needed that. I had always been on my own, ever since I was a kid.

It had to do with the need I always had. I had to fix everything. I noticed I was falling back into this need with Maggie. I wanted to make everything better for her. I wanted to give a blink of my eye and make life easier for her. But I knew I couldn’t do that. She had to go through this on her own, but I’d be there to hold her when she felt like she was falling.

Toby was also, my friend—a good friend, who would not hurt anyone. I had to give him the space to figure out his life with his girlfriend.

I drove out of town just as the snow fell. Memories occupied my thoughts of times before. When I was overseas and when I needed to make sense of it, I would think of snowfall as a kid.

Snowfall holds a quiet peace and can silence everything. That doesn’t come with rain or even sunny days. Snow is the great drowner of sound and sorrow. The snow wasn’t heavy yet and oddly, I longed for it to just cover the ground with inches of it. No one could visit with the snow. I also needed the added luxury of it to snow me in. If I couldn’t get out of my driveway, I wouldn’t try to rush back to her.

I was afraid of what I might do if I did.

She had taken over me.

She had wrapped herself around me, one determined glance at a time.

But, she needed to want me and not because I could help her, but because she wanted me, scars and all. I didn’t know if she was as ready as I was. I’ve seen too much in life to not acknowledge that sometimes a person needs to figure things out on their own. I wanted to be there for her, but I needed her to find her own way to me.