quintessence. (14 page)

But, looking at Karl, I knew the love was different.

Karl was a protector—a shelter from all the bad. But he was right too. I couldn’t use him as my escape any more than I could use the change in Toby as an escape. I had to focus on myself right now and whatever the future may hold, it didn’t matter.

But it mattered, because if Karl wasn’t a part of it, I think it might matter a whole hell of a lot.

“Karl,” my mom said, running toward me. “Oh, my boy.” She kissed my face all over and pulled me in for a hug.

My sister, Faith, waited to the side. I hadn’t seen her in almost four years. She was in high school then. She was a woman now and she held a reassuring smile I hadn’t realized I missed.

“Hi, big brother,” she said, stepping toward me. My mom let go of me as my sister pulled me in. She was about the same height as me and though we were almost five years apart in age, people still thought we were twins.

I hugged her back, though it wasn’t easy. She felt like a stranger.

“Who was that man you were speaking with?” my mom asked.

“That was a man I met on the bus,” I said, looking down at the paper. “I think he just sold me some land for a dollar.”

“What?” my mom asked. I handed her the paper and she smiled. “This looks legit.” My mom had worked as a paralegal for several years now.

“I suppose it is. You guys ready?” I asked.

__________

Early Spring last year

“I don’t want a party, Mom.”

“Karl, you have people that want to see you. There were so many people praying for your safe return and here you are. You’ve been here for months now.”

“Many people?” I asked, as I kept my attention on the video game I played.

“Yes, there were so many people at my church praying for you and look, here you are. You made it back home.”

“Mom, first, I don’t think god has a tally tracker for prayers. Second, does that mean he didn’t care about my friends that died or Jackson? If he picks and chooses that way, I don’t think I want anything to do with him.”

“Karl, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just happy to have you home.”

“Thanks,” I said and paused my game, setting the controller down as I turned to her. “Do you have the keys to my old car?”

I needed to get away. The constant rejoicing at my return was pissing me off. I needed my space. I thought it would have stopped after a couple months. But there were too many people still stopping in, too many questions, too many looks, and too many thank yous. I needed space.

I took the road out of town and found my way to the address of the land that Henley had given me. We had checked the record again and it was legitimate. It took a few minutes at the courthouse, and I was the official taxpaying owner of this land.

I stopped at the driveway to an old farmhouse that sat on the land. The farmhouse was falling apart, windows had broken, and it looked like Dorothy’s house in
The Wizard of Oz
. I drove farther down and found a gate that led to a huge field. It looked like horses or livestock had used it at one point, because there weren’t any plants other than natural ones and grass.

I opened the gate and drove through. I parked in the middle of the field, climbed a large hill and sat at the top.

I could see the city from here. It looked less intimidating when this far away. The people were just people from here. They didn’t know me. I needed anonymity. I leaned back into the grass and stared at the sky. Clouds rolled by and I swear I sat there for a good two hours and thought about what I needed to do with my life.

I needed to figure out where I fit. I didn’t want the same things I once did. I didn’t want a big house, a big life. I just wanted to be here and breathe. Out here I could breathe.

__________

“Are you going there again?” my mom asked.

“Yes, I will be there all weekend. I finished that painting at the McNett’s bakery and I started the one at that art gallery I told you about. I think I will do something else though. My old way of painting isn’t as much fun as I thought it’d be. I did the ones I wanted to do, but I need to do something else.”

“Okay. Hey, did you hear anything about a job?” she asked. She had been asking me every day. It was always about money with her, even now. I came from a home that prided itself on wearing clothes that cost a lot. But they failed to see the true cost of what they wore. I didn’t want it anymore. “Also, you look like shit. You should shower.”

I looked down at myself and smiled. “Yeah, no job yet. I don’t give a shit about a shower, and I won’t be coming back to stay here anymore.”

I’d rather stay in the woods anyway.

The next two weeks I did just that. I spent the time living off the land. I found scraps of wood and several other items in the old farmhouse. I gathered all of them and brought them to the top of the hill and sorted them out.

It was as if the more I sorted from that house, the more I sorted out my thoughts. Piles of wood became piles of thoughts. It reminded me of the boxes and lives I thought of at night.

I sat on one pile and looked out over my land. I needed little to survive. I had all this space, and that was enough. I didn’t need a house to match it. I went into the city and found an old flatbed trailer and bought it for one hundred dollars.

I went to the gallery to see if Pike knew anyone with a truck. He called a guy named Blake. Blake showed up a half hour later.

He was the most laid back guy I’d ever met and he reminded me of the me of before. We were very different, but he was the first friend I had since Jackson. Plus, it showed what a great person he was if he came on short notice to help a guy he never met.

I rode with him to get my flatbed trailer. “What are you going to do with this Karl?” Blake asked.

“I want to build my house.”

“Well, that’s pretty fucking cool, man. Can I help?” he asked.

“Sure, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Neither do I, but we can figure it out together. I know a little bit; maybe that will be enough for us.” Blake laughed.

__________

Blake was a faithful helper and showed up every morning. He had told me that work was slow, so he had free time on his hands. At first, I questioned why he would be so willing to help a stranger. But I realized he was just that nice of a guy. I met his family and his mother and father were nothing like mine. They were giving. They didn’t hold
things
tight to them—trying to keep them forever.

“So, Karl, do you ever leave this place?” Blake asked.

“I’ve left a few times to get some food staples, but otherwise, no. I have the lake for water and bathing. It’s liberating.”

Blake laughed. “You bathe in the lake?” he asked.

“Yep, why not? It’s more than some people have.” I was serious in my thinking. I saw how some people lived. I didn’t want to take things for granted and I didn’t want to use more than I needed.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about while I was out here—what I have and what others do not. I didn’t want the life of wanting things. I wanted away from the consumer driven life I grew up with.

“Do you want to hang out with my friends and me later? We’re going out to this bar we always go to, but that’s it. It isn’t crazy. It’s low-key. Sometimes it gets packed depending upon what bands are playing. I think you’ll like it. It will do you good to get out and see some people. Maybe even meet some ladies.” He gave an over exaggerated shove to my arm with his elbow.

__________

He parked his Jeep a few blocks from the bar. When we were a block away, a guy from across the street yelled, “Blake!”

He ran to us and gave Blake a squeeze to his shoulder and a hug around the neck.

“Gabe, this is my friend Karl. Karl, this is Gabe.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said.

“You too.” Gabe smiled with ease and I could tell he was as authentic as they come.

“This is it,” Blake said as he waved his hand to the sign above the door that read, “Henley’s Pub.”

“No, shit?” I said under my breath, laughing to myself.

There is a reason for this. I needed to stop letting myself believe otherwise. There were too many points that lined up. It reminded me of connecting stars as a kid.

Conall and I would sit outside and look up at the stars, waiting to see a falling meteor. We hoped to one day find Superman.

To pass the time, we would pick out a cluster of stars and connect them in our mind. The picture was always changing, but the stars were the same. Meeting Pike at the gallery, meeting Blake who brought me here to Henley’s—all just stars connecting.

No matter what had happened before, these people were part of my life now and they would be for a while.

“That wasn’t as bad as it was last time,” I said to Gabe as we walked from the medical imaging department where I had my MRI at the hospital.

“That’s great,” he said.

“Thanks again for coming with me. I know it’s not that fun sitting in the waiting room.”

“Not a problem, Maggie.”

I stopped walking, and he did a quick turn, almost like he would break into dance, to look back at me. “What?” he asked.

“You called me Maggie. Not Magistrate, not Magpie, not Magster, no, you called me Maggie. Why? That’s not good. You’re worried.” I felt shaky at the thought of Gabe being worried.

“Of course I’m worried. But, it will be okay.” He gave me the Gabe smile—the one that said more than other smiles because it was his.

He put his hand out to continue walking. “Where are your parents?” he asked.

“They went home Saturday night so they could get to church on Sunday. I love them, but I’m glad to have my apartment back to myself,” I said.

“Who do you have with you on Wednesday though? Didn’t you say the doctor said you aren’t supposed to move around a lot or sit up even? You can’t be alone all day then.”

“Karl’s coming with,” I said as we climbed into Gabe’s car. “My parents will be back for that, too.”

Gabe sat in the driver’s seat and turned to look at me. “What’s going on with you two?” he asked with a grin. “I shouldn’t be asking. I’m friends with all of you—Toby included. I don’t want to see the kind of drama you see on the CW. Not that I don’t like that kind of drama—it’s entertaining— but I don’t want to see any added stress to you.”

“There’s no drama. I love Toby. I always will. He’s a good friend of mine and my first love. But we are on a break right now. He’s supposed to be back in a few weeks and when he comes home we have a lot to talk about.”

“Yes, you do,” Gabe said as he started his car.

“What do you mean?” I asked, wondering what he was referring to.

“It’s apparent that you don’t know what I’m talking about, so I will let him discuss it with you. You have a lot to talk about. Because, if you  love him as you say—friend or boyfriend, doesn’t matter—you would have told him about your health right now. You would have trusted him enough. You would have made him come home to be with you. I know you. I know that you don’t think he can take care of you as you need. I mean, I know he’s nothing like my nurturing manliness, but you need to decide what’s best for you.”

“I know. But maybe, it’s because my love for him has changed. I want him to grow and be who he should be because I love him. I also need to figure out who I am through all of this. Karl won’t do anything with me until then anyway. Not that I am doing it because I want to be with Karl. I like Karl, without doubt I do. He’s amazing. He’s the most down to earth person I’ve ever met, and I’m safe and protected with him. He’s perfect,” I said as I stared out the window.

Gabe laughed. “It sounds like this whole thing isn’t working for you. His putting up the block for you makes you want him all the more. It always works doesn’t it?”

I lifted my brow in question.

“The Rolling Stones were right.” He flipped through his MP3 player and
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
began.

I shook my head at him and watched the buildings pass by as we drove back to my apartment.

__________

The next day, I smiled at my reflection. I chose a skirt and leggings to go with my oversized sweater and tee shirt. I wouldn’t deny myself this evening of normality. I may not be the person I was last year, but this was a normal activity. The impending spinal tap tomorrow scared me, but for the first time in weeks, I was okay.

Karl knocked on my door at the time he said he’d be there to pick me up.

I opened the door with a smile. I hadn’t seen him in three days. I held my smile as I leaned against the door, holding it open for him. He smiled in return, but something was off, as if he wanted to say something but had to hold it in. He felt guarded, and he never guarded himself with me.

He nodded as he passed through the door.

He had his hair pulled back and his beard trimmed, but both still held the craziness I appreciated. He stood a few feet from me and his smile broadened as he grabbed the back of his neck.

“When you opened that door, I wanted to pull you near me and hold you. I don’t want to leave this apartment. Everything in my life pointed me in this direction. There’s a reason for me to crawl my way from my past and into this place. That reason is you.” He pulled his lip in on a smile. “Strange?”

“No, not strange at all—honest.” I smiled and wondered if that was where the guarded feeling coming off him came from, but there had to be more to it than that.

Dismissing my thoughts, I believed his words. I stepped near him and put my arms around his waist. I tightened my hold on him. He was right in my need to just get through these few weeks and to concentrate on that without throwing more drama into the deal.

“I know what you mean,” I said. I stepped back. “I’m kind of nervous about this party. I haven’t been out around more than close friends in months. I haven’t wanted to be around anyone.”

“You’ll be fine. There will be dancing.” He smiled at me before grabbing my scarf. “It’s cold out again.”

“Dancing, huh? Are you going to dance with me?” I asked with a smirk.

“Maybe. It depends on what kind of dance you’re wanting. I used to do an awesome robot.”

I laughed as I pulled my hat on and tied my scarf around my neck. “Can we walk there?” I asked as he offered his arm for me to hold.

“Yes, of course. If you’re up for it, I am.”

__________

It took a little longer than it used to for me to walk there. It had nothing to do with my legs though, and everything to do with walking with him. He told me stories of Jackson and him. The next time I saw Jackson, I knew I’d blush. I shouldn’t know what I knew about him.

We crossed the final street to Henley’s and paused in front of the door. There were people standing a few feet away smoking and Karl stepped to the door to pull it open.

“Do you remember the first time I met you?” he asked, pausing with his back toward me and waiting to open the door.

“Yes, I do.”

“Do you remember what an ass I was?” he asked.

“How could I forget?” I asked.

He laughed. “Well, that was a rough day for me already. When I first saw you, I thought you were yelling at Toby. Then as I got closer, I knew your fall upset you. So I faked my fall on the elevator to make you feel better.”

I laughed. “I did think it looked dramatic on your part.”

“It was, but I’m telling you this because ever since that first day when I saw you, I needed to make you smile. It was like seeing you hurt or frustrated could physically hurt me. So, to answer your question from earlier—yes, I will dance with you, if that will make you smile.”

He opened the door and put his hand on the small of my back.

We walked in together and I felt at peace despite the fears that lingered, because I was with him.