quintessence. (10 page)

I drove us out of town and one thought kept running through my mind—her description of ribbons and bows.
I want to focus on the gift inside.
It was bizarre how our thoughts continued to parallel each other. My grandmother’s gifts for others had been on my mind since this friendship with Margaret began.

I watched the road and felt a goofy grin form on my face as I thought of my grandma. She never believed in coincidences. She always told me that what may look like coincidence is my own life’s purpose pointing me towards something and I needed to listen to it.

“Okay, so you said earlier you hadn’t driven your car in forever. But before, you also said you try to make it out to your camping spot almost every weekend. How do you get here then? This is so far out of town,” Margaret said, pulling my attention from my thoughts and toward her.

“I walk,” I said.

She turned her big brown eyes my way and smiled. “You walk?” She waved her arm toward the road in surprise.

“Yes, I walk out here. I walk a lot of places. I prefer it. I figure if there is anywhere I need to be, I can use my legs to get me there,” I said with a smile. I loved to walk.

She pulled her lips in frustration and turned back to the window. I put my hand on top of hers that rested in her lap. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“On a normal day, you’d walk out here, but you can’t because of me. That’s frustrating as hell. I like to walk, too. I like to do things, but driving here is a reminder how shitty this is.”

I closed my eyes and felt my chest tighten at her words. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it that way. I do it because I know I need to be thankful of what I have and be thankful I’m alive. Walking in silence reminds me I’m alive. I made it back home. But, I don’t need that reminder tonight. When I’m alone, I need that. But walking all this way to remember I’m alive isn’t needed when I’m with you.”

“Wow,” she whispered, still looking out the window. “Fucking, wow.” She turned her hand over so her palm faced mine. Our silence after that spoke more than anything else either of us could say.

I turned on the last road to my land. My smile remained as I thought of the surprise I would be giving her.

I stopped at the gate and climbed out to unlock it.

“Do you want me to drive through so you don’t have to get back in and out again just to close the gate?” she asked, and more thread pulling happened.

“Sure, thank you.” My grin grew.

“No need to thank me, buddy,” she said with a wink.

I climbed from the car and pulled my pants up from falling around my waist. When I got to the gate, I saw that it was frosted over and the latch wouldn’t open.

I went back to my car. “Can you pop the trunk?” I asked.

She popped the trunk, and I pulled my knife from the back and returned to the gate. I found a piece of wood and used it to knock the knife like a hammer and chip away at the iced over bolt on the latch.

It took a few tries until I could break the icy hold to open the gate. I hooked my knife onto my belt and tossed the wood to the side before walking the gate all the way open.

I waved for Maggie to come through. She parked and switched back to the passenger seat.

When I climbed in the car she had a smile on her face I couldn’t place. She turned in her seat and kept smiling at me.

“What?” I asked with a laugh.

“Nothing,” she said and tried to fight her smile.

“What?” I laughed again.

“Well, it’s just that, that was quite manly of you,” she said with a giggle.

“Manly?” I asked on a laugh. “I just opened a gate.”

“Yes, but you’re wearing a knife on your belt now and you were all take charge of that frozen latch. It was a man being a man, and it was hot,” she said as her voice trailed off.

“Okay, if you say so. But you will be using a knife too. If you’re out here, you will learn a few things,” I said.

“I’m not wearing a belt though, so we will have to figure something out. I want to wear it on a belt like you are.” She pointed at my knife and my chest tightened.

My own real,
healing
memory box was now being built, right alongside the pocket my grandmother made. The placement finished. Margaret held the pieces in her hands and I was building around it.

I rounded the last corner of the woods to my place. I parked my car at the bottom of the hill and turned off my headlights.

“Let me get some things from the back and then we can head up,” I said. She nodded with a smile and started to open her door.

“It’s so quiet here,” she said as she lifted her head to smell the air.

She stood next to the car before looking toward the hill we were to climb. I knew she was nervous about walking it. But she could do it. I knew she could.

I put my backpack on and grabbed the other bag before meeting her at the front of the car. “Okay, now I can see in your expression you’re nervous about this hill. You’re thinking you can’t make it. But you can. We will do it. No matter how long it takes to get up there, we will do it. I’d kind of like to stop halfway up and take a look at the sky. It’s awesome tonight, isn’t it?”

She took my arm without me putting it toward her. It hurt. It felt so amazing, it hurt.

We started up the hill and I kept my arm solid and flexed for her. I didn’t want her to feel like she would fall.

“So your camp is up at the top of the hill? How do you keep people out of it?” she asked.

I smiled.
My camp
.

“Only a few people come out this way. But I also have it set up so people can crash there if they want to. Most of my friends have a key.”

“A key to a tent?” she asked, with her face scrunching up in the cute way it did when she didn’t believe what was being said to her.

“You’ll see,” I said as we reached the halfway point. “Do you want to stop or keep going?”

“I want to keep going. I’m okay,” she said.

We reached the top of the hill and I watched her expression as she saw my small house at the top. “It’s a tiny house,” she said with a smile. “It reminds me of a children’s story or a playhouse.”

“It’s functional. I didn’t want something big—just enough to live in.”

“Live in?” she asked as we reached the porch.

“Yes, this is my house. This land was my Uncle’s at one time. I bought it from him. I built this house over the last year.”

“This is amazing. When you said camping, I imagined tarps and tents,” she said with a smile and squeeze of my arm. “I want to see inside.”

“It used to involve tents and tarps before I finished this,” I said as I opened the door. I turned on the light and saw what my box would have in it.

The box has her, me, and comfort. Not the kind of comfort that one thinks of with large homes and material things. It was the comfort of being with another human, just breathing in every moment and knowing that life was more than what we could buy. We would make it ours. I wanted that and the possibility of being with her as more than friends.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow,” I said, running my finger across the bridge of Toby’s nose.

He rolled to face me and wrapped his arm over my side. “I know, Maggie. I’m scared, but I’m also excited.”

“You have a whole world out there to explore, I understand,” I said.

“I don’t want to leave you though,” Toby said, pulling me closer to him. He stood several inches taller than me and when we lay down together I liked being able to meet him face-to-face. He touched his forehead to mine. “I have so much I need to figure out in me, Maggie. No matter what, I love you though. I love you so freaking much.”

I kissed his chin. “I love you too, Toby.”

I did love him. He knows how I take my coffee. He knows that I can’t stand to watch romantic or slapstick comedies. He knows that I like reality. The abstract did not appeal to me. That’s why I valued our relationship. We were an everyday, all day, and comfortable relationship. We did argue a lot though. That was my doing.

“I’m sorry I’ve always been such a bitch.”

Toby laughed.

“You’ve not been a bitch. You’re just who you are. You’re a very determined and particular person. You push me to be more like that. You’re determination in life is part of the reason I want to do this,” he said, running his hand up and down my back.

“How do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, you finish things. You know what you want to do and you follow through until you have accomplished it. I’m more of a big dream kind of guy, but my fear holds me back, so I don’t finish. This job I’ve been working is safe for me, and right now I think I don’t need safe. I need to push my limits and see what I’m capable of without a safety net.” He pulled me even closer to him and I buried my face in his shoulder. “Now don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve been a safety net for me, too. I’ve always had this haunting thought in the back of my mind that said,
“If I screw up, Maggie will take care of it. I don’t apply myself because she’ll always be there.”
That way of thinking isn’t right. That’s not living—expecting you to always pick me up. I want to be more than that for you. I want to be someone you can look to for help. I don’t want to be the one looking for help in our relationship.”

“You help me, Toby. Don’t say that. You help me.” I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. “I’m serious. You help me. You make me laugh. That’s always helpful. You remind me to laugh at myself sometimes.”

“Laughter isn’t the only thing we can have between us. You need this as much as I do,” he said with a kiss to my temple.

“I know, but I’m worried about you. I will always worry about you.”

“I wouldn’t expect any less from you,” he said, before we both fell asleep.

__________

Toby packed up his laptop and his backpack. He put a pair of boots and a hoodie on, and then told me it was time to go.

We left in silence. I drove in silence. He rode in silence.

He turned the radio on after a time and smiled when
“Same Mistakes”
by The Echo-Friendly began. “I forgot you had this in here,” he said with a laugh. “It’s a sign, isn’t it?”

I looked over at him and forced a smile. I think it was a sign. As much as I hated signs and palm readings, I couldn’t help but not think it more than a coincidence.

We found ourselves silent again, except for the song echoing between us.

I found a parking spot close to the bus stop, and we let the song play out before he leaned over and kissed my cheek.

“It will be okay,” he said. I nodded, but I knew different. We weren’t strong enough together to survive this separated.

__________

Toby: I made it to Boston. This is amazing. I’m making some extra cash DJing. Then I will move onto wherever the road leads me.

Me: I’m glad you’re enjoying it. It sounds awesome. Miss you.

Toby: Miss you too.

I pushed the button to turn the screen blank on my phone and finished stretching before my class. I hadn’t danced in a few months, and I knew this would be just as ridiculous as the first few classes I took. But I couldn’t forget how freeing it was to dance. No matter how bad I messed up my technique, it invigorated me to be here.

My instructor preferred to be called
Madame
and it felt strange, but I went with it. She knew her stuff and her patience with me was unending.

The first few classes I struggled with keeping my form, but I became better. I just had to work on my turns. The turns were my favorite as a girl, and I didn’t know if it was from taking the last few years off or what, but they were becoming more difficult to achieve.

In high school, I led the dance team, and I knew that I wanted dance to always be a part of my life. There was a connection to the world when I danced. It was similar to being outside my body when the emotions took over me. My body danced, but my spirit soared.

“Okay, take your positions please. We will work on
chaines
,” Madame said.

__________

I sat in my car and cried. I beat the steering wheel with my fist in frustration. A silent scream left my mouth as the tears fell.

I missed him. But I missed someone that wasn’t him. I missed the him that he could be. I needed him to respond now.

I turned my phone on to read the text I wanted to send to him.

Me: I’ve no idea what just happened. I couldn’t stand on my tiptoes in dance class. I told my feet to do it, and I just couldn’t do it.

As I read the text and lifted my finger to hit send, a text came in from him.

Toby: I just had an amazing thing happen. I’m heading to Michigan. It was so freaking cool. People loved my DJ set. Thank you for understanding this trip of mine. It’s liberating. I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do, and it feels amazing. I just needed to step out and do it
.

I hit the backspace on my text. I didn’t want to ruin this for him. I knew if he read my text he’d become upset. He’d come back. He couldn’t come back. Not yet.

Me: That’s great! I’m so happy for you
.


Texts were a godsend in certain moments. It was easy to hide my emotions in an exclamation point and a smiley face.