Psycho Inside Me (2 page)

“But I didn’t rinse the blood away.” And it needed it. Bright red splotches and puddles scratched the perfect nature scene. Without the body present, the terrible color looked unnatural, like a bucket of paint had been poured onto a perfect canvas. I could finish my job. We needed me to.

Deegan tugged on my arm. “Cassie, it has to be enough. Come on.” We rushed into the thick foliage thirty feet from the bloody area.

Taller than me by a solid six inches, Deegan had a clearer view of the different paths ahead of us over the brush and lower branches. “Cassie, they’ll be back any minute.” He glanced behind us, then stepped closer to me. He pulled his red Fox Racing, Inc. sweatshirt over his head and tossed it at me. “Put this on. You have blood on your shirt.” He reached up with his thumb and wiped at the liquid coming from my nose. I hadn’t even been aware it was bleeding.

Looking down,
I couldn’t believe I’d missed all the bright red covering me. I would’ve thought the wet heat would get my attention or, at the very least, the cold, clinging material would snap me out of the moment. “Thanks.” My mumble barely reached my ears. I lifted my chin. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Deegan pulled me into his arms. I closed my eyes. Not exactly how I’d imagined him holding me for the first time, but whatever. I enjoyed the moment, but when I breathed in I
wrinkled my nose. The scent of copper and musty river bed took on a life of its own, swirling around me on the soft breeze. In Deegan’s arms.

“We need to move. They’ll probably come back on the upper trail. We’ll make it, if we follow this one to the bench. Can you make it there?”
Two years older than me, Deegan’s membership to the fledgling boxing team at the high school gave him a higher fitness level than me – by a lot. He closed in on Superman status as far as I was concerned. So when he pulled on my arm, it wasn’t surprising that I lifted easily. I didn’t have a lot of weight to burden him.

I nodded, gripping his sweatshirt in my hands.

“Cassie. I need you to listen. Get the sweatshirt on. Now.” His growl spurred me into action. I yanked it over my cream colored top and glowered at him.

But I didn’t fight him. The energy
expended trying to keep up with Deegan even the short distance had burned the feel-good adrenaline coursing through me. My hands shook as I slid my backpack on over Deegan’s large hoody. “What are we going to do?”

A slight shove to my shoulder and he pointed up the game trail running parallel to the river. “Don’t worry about it. Get going and don’t stop until you get
to the bench. We’ll go from there.” He pushed me down into a squatting position. Seconds later the Js crashed through the undergrowth as they returned to their planned rape site.

Shouts fueled my feet.
Shivers ran up and down my body. Holy crap, the realization at what I’d just done slammed into me. I broke into a trot, then a jog, then a straight out sprint down the path Deegan had sent me. The trail didn’t run more than a hundred yards to get to the main paved path. With the bench in sight, I succumbed to a stitch in my side which brought me to a stop. I bent at the waist. Until that moment, I hadn’t recognized the tears streaming down my cheeks or the sobs trying to play themselves off as gasps.

Looking back, I saw nothing throug
h the green leaves and needles of the trees on the peninsula. I sucked down my gasping, listening for any sign indicating the Js had found Deegan. What would they do to him? Beat him to death?

I couldn’t hear anything so I held my bre
ath. Only lasted a few seconds. I hadn’t recovered from the run.

Deegan slammed his hand on my shoulder. “I told you to get
to the bench.”

I jumped, biting my tongue to keep down my scream.
“Where were you?”

“
Get to the bench.” He kept pace beside me with little effort.

Running, I winced with each bounce of the backpack on my spine.
Honestly, what I was attempting to do wasn’t running, instead more closely resembling a trod on the rough dirt.

At the turn of the peninsula where the land melds with the rest of the shores and the peninsula disappears, Deegan stepped up to
the split-rail bench put in place for viewing the trail and the river. A yank on my arm placed me beside him and he threw his arm over my shoulders. “Lean in, pull the hood up. Do it, fast.”

I sent a questioning look his way, but did what he said.
The crisp scent of Dial soap and apples assailed me. He touched his forehead to the side of the hood.

Thud-thud-thud-thud. Feet pounding on blacktop which made up the majority of the Centennial Trail got closer and closer.
Without thinking, I tightened my spine, clenching my hands. Deegan pulled me closer and shushed me softly, like a mother might do to her small child.

The runner passed us. We waited.

Under the tenuous safety of the red hood, I whispered, “Can we go now?”

Out of my line of sight, he shook his head, the rocking back and forth motion comforting above my ear. His words sounded like he barely moved his lips. “Not yet. They’ll come back this way in a second.”

From the peninsula, one of the Js called out. “Bobby! Hey, man, where’d you go? Bobby!”

I wanted to glance at Deegan, take in his reaction, send him a question with my gaze.
Did they not see the blood? Taking a cue from Deegan, I didn’t move much, irritated by the questions trying to blow a hole in my head

His lips moved the sweatshirt material against my ear and his husky voice tingled the back of my nec
k. “Don’t worry. They’ll never find him.”

In the river.
We’d just dumped a body in the river. “Why’d you help me?” Such a simple question but the connotations had a deeper meaning. What would I owe him? We’d known each other for years, but we’d never gone beyond just-friends. The two years separating us didn’t exactly set us up for hanging out at the same table in the cafeteria.

“You’re not going to get into trouble for protecting yourself. I won’t let you.” The hand on his thigh curled into a fist. His knuckles
looked like they could cause damage with their sharp angles and knotted shapes. For only being fifteen, his hands reminded me of my grandpa’s when he’d been alive – tough, worn, strong, reliable.

The reliable part tensed me up again.
Deegan’s dad was reliable too – most sheriffs had to be.

One of the Js returned, pounding past us, not even hesitating as he ran behind the bench we sat on. For a second, I could imagine we’d grown to be invisible. But that would be too easy. Something that didn’t happen in my life. Easy. The red sweatshirt alone had to be a beacon to their search.

“Why aren’t they stopping and checking us?” Even the heat of his body by mine and the warmth of his arm couldn’t stave off the slight shiver tracing my body.

“They’ll probably think to in a minute. But we’ll get out of here as soon as they’re out of sight.” He adjusted himself on the bench, bending his leg. “Almost gone. Okay, let’s go.”

I stood, my backpack irritating me with its weight. Deegan took my hand in his. Maybe to help me along, maybe to keep up the façade of a couple out for a stroll, maybe he thought I’d lose it any second.

Killing someone didn’t happen every day. At least not for normal people.

We reached the closest trailhead in time I couldn’t quantify. The afternoon had lost its realism. We navigated around the three foot tall steel pillars used to keep cars and other motor vehicles off the trail and broke out into the parking lot. Two trucks parked at opposite ends of the rectangular area offered little safety. Bright red, Bobby’s shiny truck hunkered impatiently feet from the opening to the trail, waiting for an owner who would never show. I didn’t recognize the other one.

I stopped beside the entrance to
the lot and dropped my bag. “Thanks, Deegan, for your help. That was…” I lifted my hand but didn’t know what to do with it. So I let it fall back to my side. What would he think of me now? He had to have seen the same things Bobby had seen. Maybe Deegan thought I was a slut. I lifted my gaze. “I hope you know, I didn’t ask for that. He just…”

“Yeah, I know. I heard them talking about it in the locker room after class. They’ve
been planning it for a few days.” He cupped his hand behind my neck and pulled my forehead to his. “You’re just too cute, Cassie. I had to make sure you were okay.” He smiled.

My stomach flipped then flopped.
He’d grown so much taller than me. I looked past his arm. “Do you… what I mean is, are you going…”

His grin erased my worry before his words could. “I didn’t shove Bobby’s body into the river t
o turn around and tell my dad.” Deegan winked, his blue eyes dark with mischief. “Before you do this again, I’d suggest working out. You can’t run worth crap.”

He was right.
But that didn’t erase my fear. I played along with his attempts to lighten the tension. “Okay. If I ever get cornered again, I promise to be in better shape.” I bit my lip. I couldn’t ignore it. I had to know. “But what are you going to tell your dad? I don’t want you to get in trouble. I don’t want to get in trouble.”

“My dad doesn’t know everything, Cass. He doesn’t need to know this. Okay? Trust me.”
Deegan brushed a stray strand of hair from my cheek. “Can you get home okay? I’d like to stick around and make sure they don’t follow you.” He lived half a block from me. We’d grown up together. But we’d grown apart. He was a boy and he was older than me. What could we possibly have in common once he reached high school? And yet, we’d always been there for each other.

I checked my watch. My parents would beat me home, if I didn’
t rush. “Thanks, Deegan. I mean it.”

“I know, kid.” He waved and watched me turn away. I couldn’t bring myself to look back at him. Kid? Like I was a kid or like he’d called me cute? Did that mean he liked me?

As much as I wanted to run over the last few minutes with Deegan, the cold facts leading up to Deegan and I spending the afternoon together got in the way. Bobby was dead. I’d killed him. I made it past the unfamiliar truck before falling to all fours and vomiting again. Nothing much was left in my stomach.

A playground located close to the river had restrooms on the periphery of the grounds. I stopped inside and wiped at my face. Bobby hadn’t held back. My cheek already swelled and my nose had an overly tender spot just above the tip and to the side. I cleaned up the blood as best I could and straightened the craziness that my hair had become. Moss and leaves clung to different sections of my clothes. The sweatshirt covered all the blood.

I kept my hands down by my sides to prevent my skirt from rising up as I walked and showing my cheeks.

As f
ar as I was concerned, I never should have taken the scenic route.

Chapter 2

“Cassie, you’re home early.”
Mom turned from the counter to take my backpack and hand me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but gasped, clasping her hand over her mouth. She slammed the plate down and rushed to my side. “Honey! What happened to your face?” She tenderly tilted my chin up and inspected the damage.

I offered a slight shrug.

Every afternoon I walked home and took my time down by the river. The best place to relax after a day as the “preacher’s daughter”.

C
autiously, I claimed my normal seat at the island counter. Mom gave me space, waiting for my answer as she stood across from me by the sink. I shifted, unable to get comfortable with missing underwear on my mind. Discomfort wasn’t
really
the word to describe it.

I hadn’t grabbed my underwear. I
couldn’t even remember where they’d fallen.

Telling my mom what ha
d happened wasn’t a possibility – at least not the truth – even when she started the after-school ritual of questions. “If you’re not going to tell me what happened, then tell me how was school?”

“Fine.” I took a bite, perfect peanut butter and raspberry jelly
ratio.

“
Just fine? Did you learn anything?” She placed a glass of milk next to my napkin.

“Nope.” Bite. Drink. Swallow.
Ignore my bare butt on the thin material of my skirt.
Eat faster, Cassie. Come on.
I could smell the blood on me mixed with the river musk. How could she not smell that?

“Anything interesting happen?” She folded her arms and leaned her elbows on the counter.
“Besides the obvious?”

Um. “No. It was pretty boring today. No tests or anything.
” My next bite stuck in my throat. “Honestly, I just fell in P.E. That girl I told you about keeps pushing and playing rough. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

Thou shalt not lie.

Oh, man. Commandments dropped like flies when I was around.

~~~

For two days I waited for the police to show up at my door and take me away in shackles. How long I could handle beatings in prison, I didn’t know, but my guess was not long. Deegan couldn’t have been more right. I needed to get in shape. Fast.

Swinging on the tire swing on the large oak tree in my front lawn, I kicked at the dirt with my toe. Since watching Bobby slip under the water,
I hadn’t slept well. Every time I closed my eyes and started to drift off, a cool breeze would replace my underwear and a bloodied Bobby would grab my crotch. I’d wake in a feverish sweat.

Just thinking about it made me uncomfortable. I pushed at the dirt harder.

“Hey, trouble.” Deegan stood before me, his build lean and cut, promising to be more as he grew.

I stopped swinging and squinted at him in the afternoon sunlight. Even his beautiful blonde hair and clear blue eyes couldn’t bring me out of my funk. “Hey, Deegan. Are you here to arrest me?”

He groaned and hopped over the short white picket fence my mom had made my dad build as a joke one year. A joke that had stuck. Deegan came around behind me and placed his hands at the small of my back. I caught my breath. He pushed.

Away from him, then close, the motion brought a heady rush at
sharing another moment with him when before we barely registered on each other’s radars. Well, me on his. On the other hand, I couldn’t catch enough of him in glimpses, smiles, waves, pretty much stalking him without being creepy about it.

“I told you, we won’t get caught. I heard Dad talking it out with some officers after they did an investigation. I guess the other guys with Bobby t
hat day are being pretty close-mouthed about what happened leading up to the disappearance.” He pushed me again and I flew higher into the air. “They must have rinsed the blood away because there hasn’t been any discussion of foul play or anything.”

“Foul play? I’m one of those terrible villa
ins on a Disney Channel show. Ugh.” My hair trailed behind me, unbound for a short time while I let it dry after my shower.

Deegan fell silent. I glanced over my shoulder at his serious expression. “What?”

“This wasn’t your fault. Do you understand? There’s no way you’re the ‘bad’ guy or whatever you’re thinking. He did this. It was an accident. That’s it.” He pushed me forward on the swing. “You’re so pretty. I just thought you should know that.” His goofy grin returned, confusing the joy his words brought me. “So, remember the promise I made you?”

“No. You’ve already done so much for me, Deegan. I should do something for you.” And I meant it. He’d saved me from Bobby’s raping. Had he not heard the plan in the locker room or followed up on it, I’d be hurting more that day than I was.
“Thanks for putting my underwear in the backpack.” I had to say it, no matter how embarrassing it was. Finding them amongst my books had made me groan. Deegan had touched my underwear. I cleared my throat. “Anyway, I owe you.”

He stopped the swing with a hand to the rope above me. “No. Do you know how many guys go free after the crap that guy almost pulled? More than I can count. My dad comes home and whispers about it with Mom. This one guy hurt a bunch of kids – little kids – the same way Bobby wanted to hurt you and he got off because the police didn’t get him his lawyer the minute he wanted one. The judge claimed his rights were violated.” He paused to swallow and I’m betting to control the moisture in his eyes. “As if his rights were more important than those kids
he
violated.”

I reached up and touched my fingers to the back of his hand. “I’m sorry. That’s terrible.” And it was. I couldn’t imagine what he was saying and yet, because of the incident by the river, I could.
“So what did you promise me?”

“Remember the ring?” He looked around as if people were sneaking up to listen to our conversation. He lowered his voice. “You wanted to take it.”

“I didn’t want it, though. I just…” How could I justify stealing from a dead boy? My chin dropped to my chest. Deegan had seen so much of my shame, how could he ever feel about me the way I felt about him?

“I know. It’s called a trophy. You can’t help it
sometimes. At least that’s what I’ve heard. But it’s evidence against you. I have a better idea. One we can do together.” He winked at me. I couldn’t help but grin back. Anything that I could do with Deegan just sounded too good to pass up.

Running up to the house, I called up to Mom that we’d be back in a bit. She loved Deegan, knew his family. She waved goodbye.

Deegan waited with his hands in his pockets. “Ready, Cass?”

“Where are we going?” I wanted to hold his hand, or have him wrap his arm around me. Something. But he didn’t. We just walked together, side by side.

He peeked at me from the corner of his eyes. “My cousin’s shop. He owes me a favor.” We walked a few steps, and then he turned, walking backward, facing me. “You might be too scared though.”

Too scared? Seriously?
“Is this the cousin who has the tattoo shop?”

“You might scream.” Deegan’s wink was going to drive me nuts.
He didn’t answer my question, but I had a feeling it was Sal’s place he was taking me to. Sal had started tattooing in high school with temporary inks and then had moved on to open his shop after training. My dad called his shop a “sin store”.

I laughed. “Maybe a little. But you’ll save me, right?”

“You bet.” And while it seemed like we were joking, the moment adjusted to the fluttering in my tummy, up into my chest. Because his eyes weren’t laughing and his smile had softened. I think I fell even harder for him.