Primperfect (29 page)

I look at Fintan and I think we probably won't last but now, right now, I'm happy. ‘She's O,' I say to him, ‘O years old. Isn't that amazing?' and his face lights up and he says yes it is, and reaches his arms out to hold her and it hurts to take her skin from mine. We couldn't have done that yesterday, I think. Yesterday you were a bit of me and now you're you. I've never had an always love so quick as this, and maybe not at all before. It's strange and new and fathomless. I want to help her navigate the world so carefully. My little smudge who turned into a bump who turned into a person. Her chubby little hand around his thumb and he is smiling. We are a family, together in this moment. Bláthnaid. Primrose. Fintan.

Quote from Prim's mum's diary

1.

A body-part that may have been to let us digest grass once upon a time. It goes on your large intestine and sometimes gets inflamed.

2.

An extra section at the end of the book, featuring additional matter.

3.

A thing this book will have.

1.
Is hot.

2.
Enjoys watching
the films I love.

3.
Is kind.

4.
Has not ever been a bully.

5.
Likes children.

6.
Is not afraid of commitment.

7.
Dresses well.

8.
Has nice hair. Mid-length, no buzz cuts, skin-heads or people with long luxurious metaller heads on them. Or mullets.

9.
Is not gay.

10.
Does not fancy anyone except me.

11.
Gives me presents on Valentine's Day.

12.
Gives me presents on my birthday.

13.
Gives me presents on our anniversaries.

14.
Gives me presents on our monthaversaries.

15.
Gives me presents just because.

16.
Pays for my food and cinema tickets when we go out together.

17.
Is not materialistic.

18.
Is good at sports.

19.
Isn't OBSESSED with sports.

20.
Is confident.

21.
But not too confident, not like up-himself or anything.

22.
Is kind to children.

23.
Is kind to old ladies.

24.
Is kind to animals.

25.
Offers his seat on the bus to old ladies and pregnant women.

26.
Will let me read his text messages – not that I would.

27.
Has easily guessable Internet passwords.

28.
Is clever.

29.
But not too clever.

30.
Is socially adept.

31.
But not smooth.

32.
Is fanciable.

33.
But doesn't have loads of girls that fancy him and want to destroy our relationship and take my place. Why must we women be so competitive with each other? It is a tragedy.

34.
Has brown eyes.

35.
Is not thinner than me.

36.
Is taller than me.

37.
Can lift me up and carry me if I get to tired to walk.

38.
Does not patronise me.

39.
Understands me.

40.
Will be polite to my mother.

41.
Will bring her gifts if he ever gets invited to my house for dinner.

42.
Will operate under the unspoken assumption that my mother is a wagon and that I am in the right whenever we argue.

43.
Would have been nice to Grandma Lily. Will listen to me talk about her and visit her grave with me.

44.
Will get on with Prim and Ella and Joel.

45.
Will not fancy Prim.

46.
Will not fancy Ella.

47.
Will not fancy Joel and therefore become ineligible for boyfriendhood. (See point 9.)

48.
Will allow me to choose his outfits, within reason. (Not every day, but certainly for special occasions.)

49.
Will have cute friends.

50.
Will support my philanthropy. (Reading to the seniors, setting up my single girlfriends, etc.)

51.
Will respect me for my intellect.

52.
Will enjoy the aesthetics of a well-made hat.

53.
Will not be bisexual.

54.
Will take care of his skin and hair.

55.
Will have short, regularly trimmed finger- and toenails.

56.
Will not have back-hair.

57.
Will not have chest-hair to excess, although a small amount is not only acceptable but encouraged.

58.
Will ask my father for permission to marry me, when the time comes.

59.
Will get on well, but not too well, with my father.

60.
Will not be after me for my money.

61.
Will not make fun of me.

62.
Will have two distinct eyebrows that do not meet in the middle.

63.
Will tweeze in order to comply with point 62, if needs be.

64.
Will not tell people that he tweezes his eyebrows.

65.
Will wear an aftershave I like.

66.
But not to excess.

67.
Will let me choose the film in the cinema even if it isn't something he wants to see.

68.
Will not be a push-over.

69.
Is not overly religious.

70.
Is a gentleman.

71.
Opens doors for me and guides me through them with his hand on the small of my back.

72.
Likes to talk about computer games, especially Fable. Not all the time, though.

73.
Doesn't mind me being better at computer games than he is because I probably am.

74.
Doesn't mind me being better at sewing and hat-making than he is because I definitely am.

75.
Cares about the environment: puts things in the right bins.

76.
Doesn't drink or take drugs to excess.

77.
Drinks a bit, though.

78.
Won't judge me if I have a few on a night out.

79.
Isn't judgemental about how squeaky I get when I'm around Prim.

80.
Isn't judgemental about how quiet I can be sometimes.

81.
Doesn't mind that I used to eat my own hair.

82.
Will never cheat on me.

83.
Constantly tells me I am pretty.

84.
Does not comment about how pretty other girls are around me, unless explicitly instructed to do so by me, to boost the self-esteem of a single friend.

85.
Understands that I am under a lot of pressure.

86.
Is not too demanding.

87.
Is a great kisser.

88.
Is good at the other physical stuff, with a view to being great at it after a reasonable amount of practice.

89.
Does not pressure me to have sex with him.

90.
Really, really wants to have sex with me.

91.
Does not use crude words to refer to parts of either of our bodies.

92.
Does not use crude words to refer to sex and sex-related activities.

93.
Enjoys the sunshine.

94.
Knows how to mow a lawn.

95.
Will mow the lawn for my parents on occasion.

96.
Replies to my texts.

97.
Will always reply to my texts within an hour, if they contain a question.

98.
Always returns my phone calls.

99.
Texts and calls me frequently.

100.
Is prepared to be ‘in a relationship' with me on every social networking site he is on.

101.
Does not have hairy fingers, like Syzmon's Uncle Luka.

102.
Will give me his jacket if I am cold, even if I have a jacket on already.

103.
Will not complain about giving me piggy-backs on nights out where I choose to wear impossibly high heels.

104.
Will have a strong and load-bearing spine.

105.
Will not hate rats.

106.
Will not hate cats.

107.
Will not hate babies.

108.
Will understand that, while I love babies, I never want to have any and will one day get sterilised so I can be sure not to have any.

109.
Will not mind if I choose to live in separate but adjoining houses instead of in the same one.

110.
Will be a good cook.

111.
Will enjoy painting walls.

112.
Will enjoy cleaning windows.

113.
Will enjoy hoovering.

114.
Will enjoy ironing.

115.
If points 110-114 do not apply to him, he will do such a good job of convincing me that they do that I will never know.

116.
Will not be a liar, though.

117.
Will never hurt my feelings on purpose.

118.
If I break up with him, will take it with good grace and mildly continue fancying me until his dying breath.

119.
He will eventually have a good job and be able to support me until my millinery business takes off.

120.
If he marries me after my millinery business takes off, he will have no problem signing a pre-nup.

121.
He will want to live in a city when we are older.

122.
If we adopt a child, he will be OK with me naming it Lily if it is a girl.

123.
Will shave regularly.

124.
Will have clean fingernails.

125.
Will have clear skin that doesn't burn or freckle in the sunshine.

126.
Will be supportive.

127.
Will know my mobile number off by heart.

128.
Will know my birthday and our anniversary and monthaversary dates off by heart.

129.
Will have a masculine name, like Syzmon.

130.
Will have the broad shoulders of a sexy Viking from Prim's mum's dirty books.

131.
Will not have the raping and pillaging nature of a sexy Viking from Prim's mum's dirty books. Especially not the first part.

132.
Will not have two first names or a double-barrelled last name.

133.
Will be kind to his mother.

134.
Will not be more influenced by his mother than he is by me.

135.
Will get on well with his father.

136.
Will wear ties that match my dresses when we go to formal occasions.

137.
Will be instrumental in getting his cute friends to take my single friends to the debs, grads, socials and any other formal event that we attend, thereby increasing the amount of fun we will have at these events.

138.
Will come to art galleries with me.

139.
Will understand that I cannot do housework or engage in physical activities while my nails are drying.

140.
Will understand that I am precious about my now mid-length hair, seeing as how it was short/eaten for so long.

141.
Will smell like freshly cut grass sometimes.

142.
Will know how I take my tea: no sugar, quite weak, with three small drops of milk.

143.
Will know what stuff I do not like to eat: mushrooms, asparagus, raisins. Will make sure that I am never served foods containing the above items in his home.

144.
Will not be a bigot.

145.
Will not be one of those boys who is not homophobic in theory but acts weird and uncomfortable around Joel.

146.
Will not act weird around Ella because she has Asperger's. Is allowed to act weird around her because he is impressed by her cleverness.

147.
Will not act weird around Prim because of her mum being dead. Is allowed to act weird around her because he is sometimes intimidated by her.

148.
Will support me if I choose to become an emancipated minor because of how weirdly pushy my family are being about Grandma Lily's will.

149.
Will support me no matter what.

150.
Will not support me if I start eating my own hair again. Will intervene to save me from myself.