Primperfect (11 page)

I really think the baby will be a boy. I keep wanting steakand potatoes. Hearty, manly things.

Quote from Prim's mum's diary

met Robb with two bees again today. He looked me up and down when I walked up to him outside Easons on O'Connell Street and said, ‘You're looking well.' I don't know why, but the way he said it kind of put my back up. Like he was objectifying me, but not in a nice way. I can't really put my finger on why it niggled but it did. He wouldn't have said that to a boy. And it made me think about all the times he hadn't said that to me and wonder if I wasn't looking well before.

Maybe I was edgy because I was going to be meeting Joel later, after Robb, for blackmail-tea-and-catch-up. Robb with two bees will never be as good as Joel. It was nice to ramble around town with him, though (Robb I mean), chatting about films and music and books and TV shows. Nice neutral topics of conversation. He gets a bit superior about things. Like, he assumes that he will know more than me on any given subject. Which is nonsense, because he thought Bolivia was in eastern Europe. I do not know much about Bolivia, but I do know what continent it is in.

AND ROBB WITH TWO BEES DID NOT.

‘It kind of sounds eastern European, though,' he said, doing a ridiculous approximation of a Russian accent:

‘I see what you mean. But it is in South America.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Yes.'

And then he googled it, hoping to prove me wrong.

Oh, Robb with two bees!

I don't mean to make him sound completely dreadful, though. Because he isn't. It's just that I do not think that our destiny is written in the stars. I'm also fairly sure he thinks I fancy him. Well, I mean, I do keep meeting up with him and messaging him and things. But that is
ONLY
because I am lonely and bored.

I didn't tell Joel that, though, when we met afterwards. From the way I went on to Joel about him, you'd swear Robb was my new bestie. It was so good to see my real (former? current?) bestie again. He didn't hug me. I kind of knew he wouldn't, but I really wanted to hug him, to hold him close and tell him he was awesome and I'd missed him.

I have to admit I had met Robb (kind of) so me and Joel would have something neutrally gossipy to talk about. Is that terrible? It kind of is, isn't it? It totally is. I kind of wanted to be all: ‘I have a life, even when you are not around to be my social crutch' and ‘I have made a new friend who is a boy' and ‘I have people interested in me too, like you have the mysterious and possibly dodgy Duncan.'

Because my life is not very interesting and Joel makes it more interesting when he is in it, because he is awesome and always up for devilment and doing things, while I kind of prefer to stay in my bubble of friends and stuff. Also Joel has way more friends than I do. I mean he is not short of companionship. I have Ciara. And Ella. That is the extent of my inner circle. I mean, I'd love to include Felix in there, because he is a big ride and I'd like him to be my friend with or without benefits. But we aren't that close. I mean, I'd never ring Felix crying or for a random chat about dachshunds or whatever. So basically my inner circle is an inner triangle. An inner square if you count Joel.

I was trying to make Joel jealous with all my talk of Robb. I do not know if I succeeded. He made me jealous with all his talk of Duncan. Nary an anecdote went by that didn't involve the aging pervert. They met one night when he was out with Karen. He pointedly mentioned Karen a few times while we were making the awkward small-talk leading up to me glutting my feelings all over him. I think it is really hypocritical that he was now hanging out with someone who has called our friend Ella a retard on more than one occasion and wouldn't hang out with me, even though I didn't even use hate-speech when I outed her, just said that she was ‘a mean lesbian or possibly a mean bisexual woman'.

‘So you and Karen are, like, total besties now?' I said.

‘Don't use that sarcastic tone with me, Prim. I don't even want to be here. Karen is worth ten of you.'

‘No she isn't.'

‘She is mean. But also really fun, so it kind of balances out.' He emphasised the word ‘fun' as though it were delicious and alien. Which is nonsense because I am total fun. Like off-the-chain fun-levels right here all day everyday. I can't believe he tried to imply he didn't have fun with me. We had mild-to-moderate fun on a number of occasions. Sometimes we dialled it right up to severe. This normally involved move-busting or gluing things on children. I wonder what kind of fun he had with Karen. I bet it was mean, immoral, reprehensible fun. The kind of fun you have on a road-trip with human trafficking.

‘Do you miss me even a little bit?' I asked him.

‘I do. But I can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect people's right to be themselves.' He stirred sugar into his tea. Round and round and round it went. Clink and clink and clink. I felt a tirade building up inside me because I am not a bad person. I'm just not. I made a mistake and people do that all the bloody time. They make mistakes and then they get forgiven. Look at Dad. Before I knew it my mouth was open and all the feelings were just pouring out, surprising both of us.

‘But who she is is hateful, Joel. She opens her mouth and all this bile spews out and it is hurtful. She said my mum got
SQUISHED
.

That was not OK. And I feel that you hanging out with her and picking her over me is so
unfair
or something.' I may have started to cry at this point. The spoon inside the teacup had stopped moving. Joel's voice got deeper, softer. The way it does when he is being sad or gentle with me. When he is trying to ease the answers out.

‘When did she say that thing about your mum?'

‘At the dancey thing last year. Remember I went home early because she told me about Mac?'

‘Yeah.'

‘So her
exact words
were, “His dad squished your mum.” That's not OK. You loved my mum and it's not OK that you are hanging out with someone who disrespected her memory like that. And it's not OK that you are being so mean to me when you know I have always loved and accepted you and –'

‘But –'

‘Let me finish.' I was kind of full-on purple and quivery with woe at this point. In a café. In the middle of town.

‘And I thought I wanted you to be my friend again. I thought I was in the wrong. But the more I analyse it, Joel, the more it seems like you were looking for a reason to friend-break-up with me, because Karen has basically been bullying me since first year, or trying to anyway. And you picked her over me because I did
one
mean thing.'

‘You also punched her in the face that time.'

‘She called Ella a retard, Joel.'

‘Oh yeah. She did. Jesus. I'd forgotten.'

‘Ella hasn't. And I haven't. And I think that you not talking to me was way more about the Kevin thing than it was about the Karen thing. And I am sorry, because he was horrible to me as well, in a different way, and you are more important than he is and I shouldn't have done that to you when I knew you fancied him. It's just … I hardly have all the boys running after me. I mean, I'm not gorgeous like Ciara or skinny-quirky-pretty like Ella. I kind of have to take what I can get.'