Plush (31 page)

I whisper to him, “Honey, it’s me. Shhhhhh.” He is lead, and I am unwanted. I did this to him. I hear someone coming, my heart trips in fear. Enzo is searching for me in the mud. The water rises. The pain shoots through my body from the fall. This is it, isn’t it? The end? Carter and I will drown in the fucking grave. I can’t do this… I have to do this. I hyperventilate. No, quiet. Heart, quiet, please. Heart, please. Heart, attack something; it’s too much. I hear the footsteps come closer and closer. I get sick. I don’t want to die. I don’t want my kids to die. I can’t leave if the last things I do on earth are fuck up my family and get them killed.

I whisper, “Carter… Be still.” We make like corpses. A beam of light passes over the hole… but not in it. Is that Enzo’s flashlight? Please don’t find us please don’t find us. Universe, save me. Please, please, please. Don’t cry, Hayley… Be good.

I think we’re clear. The light disappears and then…

…the beam comes down on us and shines in our faces. I blink hard and see that it’s Camila. Yes! She can call the cops. She can save us. “GIVE US A HAND!” I gasp in the beam like an abductee.

But, no. She doesn’t budge. No offering of a hand. But she does move the beam out of the pit. “I have to get the children.” Then she stomps away.

Our last hope is gone.

“CAMILA, COME BACK!” I yell. I don’t understand. But wait – the coffee. She gave Carter the coffee. AND A SHOT OF WHISKEY… Carter went crazy… “Carter… she poisoned you… she’s working with Enzo…” Fury fills me like green-glass speed, and I try to climb out of the hole, clawing through the mud, my nails slipping in the dirt and rocks. Up, up I crawl. I crawl.

Up.

I’m halfway out and pull off my shoes so my toes can grasp at tree roots. Water sloshes over me, trying to wash me to my death. But I climb.

I climb. I’m slipping, sliding, grasping, crying through dirt and wetness. Every time I’m almost out, back down, down, down I slide. I jump and grab some left over root near the top and pull, pull, pull.

And I get out.

I see Enzo along the property line calling, “Mother!” I crouch low by a big rock, so he won’t see me. Holy fuck, Camila is Enzo’s mom? She’s been with him this whole fucking time? Was I that blind to not see? Was I so wrapped up in me as always?
“My mother supported me, got the key, let me out of the closet.”
– his words cyclone back. Mama’s boy – she’ll do anything for him. ANYTHING. Camila. My kids. Waves of fear and nausea crash against the cliffs of my heart. I have to stop her, but… Carter will drown if he stays down there. I must, must get him out.

“CARTER! GIVE ME YOUR ARMS!” I whisper-shout.

I see them wobble up; he’s a lot bigger than I am.

I drag Carter’s arms up – I don’t know how, but I am stronger than three pickup trucks, and I pull, and I pull his wobbly body up, and up, and up, and I fall back. He lands on top of me like a building. It’s almost like every bone is as broken as my heart. I push him to the side and grab under his arms.
KRRR KRRR SLLLLLLL KRRR
. I drag him out of the sprinklers to dry ground behind some bushes where I hope no one will find him.

Then I run to the house, run for the backdoor, run for my kids.

I have to save them.

I have to save them the way my parents never saved me.

OH NO! I hear the front door opening.

I run around the side of the house and see –

NO!

Camila has my half-asleep kids on the leashes. She shoves them in the back seat of her Alpha Romeo and shuts the door. I’m running barefoot as silent as a snake on the grass, rocks cutting my feet, and I can hear her tell my sweet ones that she’ll take them for a pony ride.

I run, I run, I run towards her faster, faster, like a wild, meth-filled beast. Camila spins around, sees me, and hisses, “You never had time for them anyway.” She runs to get to the front seat to drive off with MY kids, but I am a fucking cheetah. I slam into Camila and roller-pin-flatten her to the ground.

I fist and beat her nose. Her face meets fist upon fist in a flurry of hail. Blood smashes flesh into my fists; blood splatters everywhere. The power in the violence is the last resort. Fist. Fist. Pain. Pounding. My heart is throbbing in my neck. Splattering drops red my hands and red in her flesh.
BAM, BAM, BAM
. Starlet scarlet surrender. She’s knocked the fuck out. I don’t know how bad, but no time to wait. I tug open the back door on the other side away from her body. I hope my kids didn’t see anything, but from the big-eyed shock on their faces… fuck don’t sit around. NOW, GO, NOW!

“Run around back! Go to your secret hideout closet. Stay there ‘til mommy comes. OK?!” The twins’ mouths drop, but they listen, running into the house through the back entrance, their purple leashes trailing. My hands burn with pain.

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

I flip around and see Enzo standing over Carter, kicking him with his boots over and over again. MONSTER. Carter’s weak; his poisoned face, bleeding ribs, bleeding arms are twisted, jerked, and cracked. He is my last chance at being good…
NOOOOOO!

I CHARGE Enzo and knock him.
KRAOOWwwwWW!
Good thing he’s skinny like me. Our legs tangle as we hit the ground, me on top. The ground is hard. My breath knocked out. My gut. My baby. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. The pain is so profound.
AH- HHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I gasp for air.

Enzo’s eyes are wild. He screams, “BE CAREFUL OF OUR PRODIGY!”
AHHHH-HHHHHH!
I slam-kick my knee between his legs.

He grabs my neck like he did so many times before, except this time we are at war. The war of the world and everything is falling and I don’t care; I will fucking kill him. We roll to get on top, him then me, rolling, rolling. Sticks catch on our clothes. I scratch his eyes; he twists my leg. Pain all over. We’re thrashing like we’re fucking, but we’re not – we’re dying and we did this to each other. I’m just as much to blame.

He grabs a rock and holds it high up over my head. It’s black and jagged, the size of a baseball. What do I do now? Game over? No. Love. Use the love.

I try to make him look in my eyes like he looked before – with love and with hope and with the future.

The rock comes smashing down and I thrust out of the way. He catches my shoulder, and it swings, and I falter – oh, the pain!

We are covered in mud, breathing, screaming, scratching, crying, and hopelessly dying. This is what becomes of love. This. He tells me, “Don’t blame me! Y You wanted this too… You called me your savior!” But this madmen set me up, the long con of seductress obsessions. I see now; the mirage is gone, the veil lifted. I see how he jaguar-stalked me, got rid of our nanny, and put his mom into our house. The ultimate, deluded, stalker fan fucking learned all our songs. He learned everything about us. He wormed his way into the band and my fucking broken heart. He knew all my lyrics, all my words… all my weaknesses. And he built a fort inside them. He camped out, stealing all my insides, my heart, my skin, my ribs… He made me want him.

I must break this spell and end his twisted murderous narrative. He flips me over and slaps my face so fucking hard my gums bleed. My body is drenched, and for some fucked up reason my pussy is wet. I hate myself more.

The blackness of the world is our death halo
.

No, it’s over. I twist and yank on his necklaces, trying to choke him, but the necklaces break. In my hand fall the charms and a one-eyed skull ring.

Electro-current tornadoes like a time machine FLASH, FLASH, FLASH, exploding my brain…
Oh, fuck. No. Please don’t let it be true. Please don’t. The one-eyed skull ring is just like the one I saw on the skullcap guy the day Jack died. It’s the same as the one-eyed skull on the baggie of Jack’s dope. Dominoes of life, of memory, of betrayal pound against the other, falling and exploding.
Noooooooo, noooooo, NOOO!

The lanky body. Oh, FUCK.
He’s the drug dealer
.
He’s the death dealer
. He was the one in the skull cap always leading Jack to the grave.
“YOU KILLED him!”
His wild, pale face lowers down to me like some evil saint. He kisses my forehead, pinning my arms down, and whispers how he used to in bed with me, “I loved Jack, but Jack wouldn’t love me the way you did… so completely.” He’s crying, His gut wrenched open. Mud deceit terror tears stream down his face. In this moment, I feel how much he loved my brother. Loved him like I did, with every cell, with every pore, with every beat of the battered heart. He loved him so much, he had to become him. He had to. He had to dye his hair, line his eyes, dress just like him, sing just like him, play guitar just like him, and do everything just like him. He had to possess him, become him. But Jack stopped him. Jack couldn’t go as far as Enzo wanted him to go, into the flesh, the skin.

But wait… what is this beautiful monster saying?

Enzo desperate-black-hole-sobs, “I’m sorry, Hayley. I’m so sorry I had to kill him… I had to..” He’s broken down, shattered all over. All of his possessive, obsessive love is finally doing him in… “But it was good, Hayley… good because…” –he gasps like a dying fish on the ground – “…it could be just us.”

Jack.

Jack.

Beasts of terror, hate and confusion claw me inside. Fires burn from the depths of our lives. Instinct of blood wells up. The tragedy of us is blood. Blood. I must revenge for my lost brother.

Now!

Rage, fire, burning, death, despair, hatred
. I bite his hand; flesh blood jets through bone, and Enzo jerks away screaming in flares of agony. I grab the rock he used on me and smash his guitar hand again. And again. I break every fucking beautiful, rotten, terrible bone I can. His fingers will never fly again across the frets, across my heart, across my kids, my Carter, my BROTHER.

No more death.

No more death.

My hand hails down, smashing the rock on his temple. A horror-show blood-gasket explodes and rivers out, dripping down into his eyes.

I’ve hurt him. But for Jack, I can’t stop.

He looks so confused at me like I’m not the pure girl he could corrupt. I scramble up and stand tall, bring my foot back, and kick him in the groin. A crushing blow. Hayley. The devils of rage.
Now I am like you
.
You made me this way
. That mother fucker, he rolls over, all brown with mud and disgust and blood gushing out.

Scarlet symphonies of our broken life
,

our broken love, are like

red Pollock splatters all around
.

He’s weak, slow, fading in and out in his eyes. So I run, run, and grab the heavy green garden hose, straddle Enzo, and wrap it around his neck like he wrapped the bondage ropes so many times around mine. I’m pushing on the rope… trying to strangle him. You fucking murderer, you fucking asshole murderer, you killed my Jack, my fucking Jack, my love Jack, and Annie… and all the rest. You fucking murderer, you will fucking pay.

I look back at Carter for a second. He’s still on the ground where I left him. His leg is twitching, or maybe it’s in my head. I’m not sure if he’s alive or dead.

When I glance back at Enzo, his left hand is reaching for the knife – the big,, shiny, gleaming Bowie knife.
You WILL NEVER CUT ME AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER! I AM NOT YOURS TO DESTROY!
I kick out with feral force and kick it away, away, away, holding him down they way he once held me. Now
I’m in control.

I grab the end of the hose - I push the nozzle into his mouth… deeper and deeper down his beautiful, fucking throat as he gasps for air… His eyes are so wide, begging me for my forgiveness. His eyes that change color into mine. From black to blue. I look so hard in his face – it’s my face and my bleached blond locks on the ground under me. His body now my size. Small. His lips now the same pout. He is me.

I lean close and whisper, “ENZO, you FUCK… I loved you so much. How could you do this? Kill everybody I love… I mean… at your core, I know the truth of what you really are. Someone good. I wanted that person. Do you understand you desto-ryed my life? My band? My family? How can you love me and destroy me at the same time? “.

I push the hose further.

I know now I’m killing my true love .
And killing that weak Hayley that submits to the wills of everyone around me. I push deeper. DEEPER. Do I have the will to end this monster’s life? Jack. Jack.
Do it for Jack.
No. Do it for yourself.

I see Carter out of the corner of my eye reaching for the spigot, using all his strength to turn it on. Yes, Yes, Yes, I nod. Do it. And he does. He twists the spigot.

Then it goes
whoosh!
and the pressure is released.

KWAAAA
.

ENZO.

The water of damned, broken souls comes for him
, and I see he’s drowning. The big green hose is deep-throating him, his body filling with water. He’s drowning in me. He can’t breathe, puffing up in clear liquid. I weep. I’m more broken than ever.

Goodbye.

Water pours out of his nose and his mouth; he’s shaking violently, his death consuming him so fast. So fast. He’s twitching like the bugs I used to put on the heater vent when I was a kid. I’d watch them twitch and burn and die and gasp and leave the world behind. His body kicks out, and then he looks at me.

He doesn’t speak but I hear his words.

Hayley and Enzo forever
.

He’s still. Dead. I put my head to his heart just to check. Nothing. Nothing. But I don’t let the hose stop running. His body is so pale in the beautiful moonlight that used to light our bodies kissing in the lost city nights. And now?

I’m tired, so tired, so fucking tired. I look over to Carter.
Pain
. He’s gasping and fading fast. I can feel he might be dying too. I stand up, stagger, slip on the mud and fall. I crawl. Just fucking crawl, Hayley. Go. I drag my broken body to his broken body, leaving Enzo forever behind, and yell out to my kids to bring me a phone. 911.