Plush (12 page)

Ring, ring
. Breathe. Remember to breathe.

Ring
. Nobody knows what’s inside me. Nobody knows, and if they did they might run and hide.

Ring ring
. No, Jack can’t know. This would kill him.

Ring, ri
–

“Hayley?” Oh fuck, he picked up. What do I say. What do I say? My hand is scratching into my arm, holding the phone. Nails go in deep, starting to draw my own blood. “Hayley… you there?” His voice is so tender and soft like the first stars appearing in the sky when it’s not yet dark – a fuzzy white.

“Hayley?”

…

I bite my lip: “Sorry, Carter. I didn’t know who to call. I’m so fucking lost. I don’t know where I’m going. I’m so tired and listen – I’ve really fucked up; I’ve really, really fucked up this time.” I am sobbing, water drenching everywhere. The dams of self-corruption, guilt, and melodies of that inner scream all storm out. I can barely breathe. Hyperventilating. Hayley… Who is Hayley? Is Hayley and this life me?

“It’s gonna be alright, Hayley. Hayley, honey, it’s fine; just breathe. Breathe deep. I’ve been waiting to hear your voice. Hayley, honey, breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. Breathe in slow.” Carter’s voice is like angels dancing on ice-cream. I breathe. Sob. Breathe.

“Carter. Carter. Please save me. I’ve really fucked up this time. Really, really, badly… I don’t wanna kill anybody…” Vultures rip apart the carcass of my soul.

“Kill? Hayley, breathe; it’s gonna be fine. What’s going on? I miss u; I love you; just tell me.” He loves me? He loves me? Maybe it will be fine. The TV is on mute and there’s a rainbow cartoon-like game show on where people are sticking their hands on strange animals while blindfolded and making a guess. The depths of my black hole souls. I don’t want to keep falling with nowhere to go. Ok. I can do this. Deep breath.

“Carter. I’m pregnant. It’s yours. I’m so fucked. My career is over if I don’t get rid of it. I’ve never been so fucked before. Jack is gonna kill me. I’m gonna kill me. Carter. Carter…” Sob. Sob. Die. Even the wallpaper is peeling and trying to eat me alive. This room smells so clean, but I am – and my mind are – so fucking dirty.
AHH-HHH!

“Hayley. Don’t do anything. Don’t do anything, honey; it’s gonna be fine. I promise; look, I’m already online. I’m booking a ticket. What hotel are you at? I’ll be there tomorrow night. Just stay. Take care of yourself. DON’T DO ANYTHING! I love you. I love you. I’ll save you; I promise.”

I hang up on him.
Click
. I don’t know who I am.

Ug. And why do I always act like such a victim to my own choices?

Ok. I’ll sleep, and maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and none of it will be true, and my life can resume. I sleep, and I sleep, and I sleep for what feels like eternity. I dream that my legs are running on the beach, water crashing against me, and I fly in the clouds…

POUND POUND POUND! BAM BAM BAM!
Huh? My eyes are crusty. I never washed my airplane makeup off. Tears are dried everywhere.

BAM BAM BAM!

“Ms. Hareysan, Ms. Harey…” The Japanese accent comes through the door. “Harey… your husband is here and says he lost his key… Harey?” Eyes shoot open.

“I don’t have a fucking husband!” I yell but untangle myself from the flowers and comforters and go up to the door anyway and look through the round hole: A small Japanese man and behind him tall gorgeous Carter. All in white.

I open the door. He leaves his luggage outside and lifts me in his arms – like a Jacuzzi of warmth. We are in bed cuddling now. I’m crying. He’s talking. I’m falling deeper in the despair, and he is keeping me from losing myself all the way.

“Look, Hayley; look at this website. I’ll buy us this ranch. With a pony. With everything. With a big guest house for a studio for you and Jack to record 24-7 and no one will complain about the noise. Hayley, it’s gonna be fine. Your career’s not over. We’ll have the kid. Hell, I’ve already got one, and I fucked up that whole life so this one I won’t. I promise. I’ll make you so happy…”

Marriage? Huh? Kids? Fences? This is not me; this is not me. This is not my fucking life.

“Carter I’m ONLY 19! My career has just started!” He is brushing my hair out of my eyes, wiping away my tears, kissing my forehead. I feel how much I love him, but I can’t tell him yet. I can’t tell him back. Gasp. Sob.
AHHHHH!

“Hayley, it can keep going. I’ll help raise the kid. I’ll keep the rascal with me while you’re on tour. I love you, Hayley. I’ve loved you since the first time I heard your voice on the radio. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw your picture. I loved you even more when I interviewed you. You are all I need, all I want. Let’s make this work.”

Prince charming. Wasn’t I just wishing Carter would save me from myself? From my demons? A ranch house in Malibu. My own recording studio. Him taking care of me. This beautiful man.

I close my eyes and fall into him.

27

At the end of the show, Jack and I go off stage but not arm-in-arm because I run to Carter. We make out; he lifts me up and swings me towards the light. It’s like swinging towards the sun in that big swing when you’re a kid and you feel you could almost fly if the world would just let you. So high.

Jack: “Hayley, Hayley, here’s some Crista! Open your mouth…” He starts to pour it, and Carter pushes him back… “Fuck are you crazy Jack?” Jack’s eyes cross demonic lullabies of rage. No one tells Jack “no”. I can see on Carter’s face that he realizes he made a mistake. “FUCK YOU, CARTER! We do it all the time! Who are you to tell us no? Here, Hayley; drink up, Sis.”

Fuck…

the kid.

I didn’t want to tell Jack, at least not yet. Fuck, but quitting smoking and drinking all at once – he’ll notice something’s up.

I sit down in a chair, put my feet up, and close my eyes.

“Hayley, Hayley, what the fuck is going on?” It’s always about Jack.

“Jack… let’s go to the dressing room. Not here. Not now.”

Jack throws down his glass shattering champagne everywhere. Shards of glass – like our life. So don’t step anywhere because people cut. Love cuts. Everything will fuck you up.

Diego and his round blue eyes scream. He hides behind the forever shirtless Donnie, so tat’ed up now it’s hard to notice his skin. Mouths are dropped. A scene. Jack should’ve been an actor; he’s so fucking dramatic.

“NO. HERE!!!” Jack is shaking rage. Fists clenched. Never make Jack feel left out. Never let him know you’re thinking of someone else. All eyes on him at all times. I kiss his cheek; he weakens, and I pull him into the dressing room alone. I am his weakness and his light.

“Jack. I love you. I love you very much. I fucked up.” He’s calming down, seeing that I am sad. If I’m sad he has to be the savior to my victimhood. Shiny things dangle from the ceiling. I breathe deep. This is so hard. Life is fucking hard. “I’m pregnant… Carter’s the father.”

The skin on his face turns from cherries to ghost. I hold my breath. “Well, you’re gonna get rid of it… Right?” He’s crying. I hate it when he cries. He can get anything he wants from me if he just cries. We’re martyrs and victims and saints of desperate measures, always making wrong decisions.

I’m hiding my eyes behind my bangs. I can’t look at him like this.

“No. I – “ His shoulders hunch high.

“Did you ever think about me in all this? I gave you everything, all of me, all of my songs, all my heart, all of my words; my bones are your bones, Hayley. You are my wings. If you go through with this you will KILL us. KILL US! You will destroy both our dreams, not just mine but yours too. Everything we worked for! Our –”

I jump up, “You don’t think I fucking realize that. This is horrible. I really, really fucked up, but I can’t kill it, because I love Carter.” He is still silent shaking. I can see the whole “love Carter” part was a mistake to say. He’s never heard me say that I loved any man other than him.

Carter opens the door.

“YOU!” Jack points at him and pounces on Carter – who is much more muscley than he is – but Carter flies backwards. Carter won’t fight back.

I am mouse. Mousey me. I can’t handle this. Fists. Sorrow. I disappear. I’m so small; I must run. I run out the door into the neon. Through screaming fans, I just run and keep running. Run away, run away me. This rotten life that I’ve made – run away. Neon beats hit through arcades and funeral boys line in a row asking for you to pay for a drink. Endlessly tall shopping streets. Fruit sellers. Mobs and mobs of people. People. Everywhere. Anywhere. No place to breathe. Run, Hayley, run. Run. My legs are the wind; can they set me free?

Oh.

So tired.

I hop in a cab. Hope is the noose around my neck.

I see Jack and Carter running after me slow-motion-dream.

I’m a mouse. You won’t find me.

28

I wake up. I am in the hotel room… It’s Annie’s. Carter and Jack are staring at me. “Hayley. You should wait ‘til your 30. Come on. Lets get out of here.” Jack. So Jack.

“Jack there is a big, private, guest-house recording studio you can stay in and rehearse in as long and as often as you like… We are doing this.” Carter – so calm, so Carter.

“Hayley, you ok?” Annie asks.

“WHAT ABOUT ME?!” yells Jack. “I’m gonna fucking kill myself if you go through with this. See this white powder? This is fucking heroin.”

He snorts it up. He squeals his eye lids slow – his pupils pin points. If I wasn’t carrying a child I would join him. Heroin. I’ve never tried it. Annie grabs the baggie, and I hear that she flushes it. Jack is on the nod. Everything is so fucking dramatic. I crawl under the blankets so no one can see “will EVERYBODY LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” It’s black under the covers.

I hear footsteps. No one left in the room.

Just me. Well, not just me. Just me and this baby I guess. I cry.

A few hours later, Annie is next to me. Tall caramel goddess. “Hayley, look. Carter and Jack. They’re both scared. We all agreed to go to dinner and sort it out calmly. Everything’s fine. I’ll get PR to spin this into a modern, romance scene, fairy-tale-type thing. We’ll get you a personal trainer and get you super skinny right after it comes out” – Oh fuck; I didn’t even think about the whole getting fat thing.
AHHHH!
– “As soon as this tour is done in a month, we’ll start working on the next album, then you can take time a few months off after the baby before we go on tour for the next album… It’s gonna be fine.” Such a fast talker. Such a saleswoman. So calm. I want to believe her. I do.

“Annie… thank you for saving me again.” She holds my hand. My life is so full of men. Being in a rock band and on the road, the roadies are boys and the only girls about tend to be groupies… and Annie. Well, she’s kind of the only meaningful woman in my life. And she’s such a protector. She smacks my hand and makes a silly face.

“OW!” We are laughing.

“At least there are no catholic school nuns to beat your hand with a ruler. You know how many times I got in trouble for my shirt being too short back home? My mom was forever doing a hundred extra Ave Maria’s at night just for the way I dressed… Be glad in this life; you don’t always turn into your parents or we’d all be fucked.”

I nod. She continues, “Besides, Hayley, Carter is ridiculously, Sunset-Strip-billboard hot. With brains and soul. If anything, this might be the best thing to happen for you in a long time. You’ve got an amazing life. Cheer up!”

At dinner, fish dance in glass. Geishas pour sake and refresh sushi platters, none of which I’m allowed to have. Carter and Jack are having a drinking contest.

They’re trying to outman each other over the woman the feel they both own: Me.

I lift my cup of green tea to toast:

“Well here’s to another notch in my belt to my endless stupidity, desperation, and desire…. and Carter and Jack for loving me so much. Fuck it! Let’s do this!”

Everybody drinks, and drinks, and drinks. Fuck, is that what I look like when I’m drunk? Slurred into insanity? Laughing too much over too stupid things? Somehow we end up dressed in traditional Japanese costumes singing karaoke. Jack is the queen. Carter the villager. Me, obscene. Annie, the samurai.
FLASH. RUN. CAB. BAM! BAM, BOOM, BAM!
Then, sticks in hand, we’re beating video-game sado drums in arcades, and flashing machines, taking crazy sticker pictures. Then, a night, techno, dance, clubbing, scream dream. Spinning around the Tokyo tower, all our hands link – Annie, me, Carter, and Jack. Wild, crazy, young, and loud. The imperial palace bridges. Rivers. Run, Run, Run. Harajuku girls are giggling, laughing, and snapping photos of the crazy drunken – minus one as I am not drunken – kamikaze crew.

This night never ends,

but then it does.

It ends with Carter and Jack’s arms around each other. Puking everywhere. Laughing. Stumbling. Puking. I guess the world will be ok for a few minutes after all.

29
    August 25, 2007

Holy shit.

We’re really doing this. I’m eight months pregnant in a wedding dress. Holy shit. Holy shit. How did I end up like this? White flowing everywhere. Fabric on fabric. Jack is walking me down the aisle. Confusion is all around me, burning inside me, and knotting my mind in what-ifs.

Carter has been pressuring us to hurry and do this wedding thing. A part of me feels like it’s more about him and him getting it right than about the life I see for myself. I can’t complain though; I shouldn’t. This is what I asked for. Jack’s hand is sweating in mine. Carter – I love him, but I feel a part of me is dying in this ceremony. My youth. My freedom.

Lila, Carter’s first daughter – who’s six, wearing a dress I helped her pick out, and who I had to so quickly adopt – throws daisies. Flower girl. People. In rows. They’re watching me. My parents. In the third row. Fighting. Dad already has a black eye. Carter insisted they come. I hadn’t spoken to them in years. They hadn’t spoken each other in years. Beethoven plays entrance music. I feel guilty for doing this to Jack, guilty that I am not 100% on this whole ordeal and that I’m marrying so quick. But, I’m about to pop twins out. Twin boys. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. What is happening with my life?