Pigeon English (24 page)

Connor Green: 'Why do men have nipples then?'

Mr Tomlin: 'Because they'd look stupid without them. Next question.'

Connor Green got beaten to the joke by Mr Tomlin. He hated it. He tries to beat Mr Tomlin at jokes but Mr Tomlin is always too good for him.

Connor Green: 'How come when you're in the bath all the water doesn't go up your bumhole and drown you from the inside out?'

Mr Tomlin: 'Because the internal anal sphincter involuntarily contracts to occlude the anal canal. Any more?'

Connor Green: 'You said anal. You can't to say that to us, it's sex abuse.'

Mr Tomlin: 'Put a sock in it, Connor. Anybody else?'

Dean: 'Does your hair still grow after you're dead? My uncle says it does. And your fingernails. Is it true, sir?'

Mr Tomlin: 'No, that's a fallacy.'

Connor Green: 'Have you got happiness, sir?'

Mr Tomlin: 'Right, get out. Connor? Get out now, please.'

Connor Green: 'But sir, I only asked if you've got happiness.' Mr Tomlin:
'OUT!'

Connor had to go out of the class. His face went bright red like a crab. I was even glad Mr Tomlin roared at him. He's too annoying sometimes. Sometimes I just want him to shut up so the teacher can help us. You learn the most interesting things in Science.

Mr Tomlin says the space station is actually true. At first it just looked like a bright star but if you keep watching you can see it move. I only saw it one time because the sky is never dark enough, there's too many lights in the way from the streetlights and houses. On the space station they have to shit in a special tube that sucks it out into space. That's why the shuttle has windscreen wipers. Everybody agrees.

The floor outside my flat is perfect for driving my beach buggy. It's proper shiny. It makes the car go superfast. It makes you feel like you're going fast as well, even if you're just standing still. You have to remember to blink before you go dizzy.

I kept looking at Jordan's door. I was waiting for it to open. I made a little knock and pretended like it was an accident. The door opened. First Jordan didn't say anything, he just watched. He was watching for donkey hours. I kept crashing because his watching put me off. I just wanted him to ask for it already.

Jordan: 'Give u's a go.'

It was all part of the plan but you had to make him wait a bit longer.

Me: 'In a minute.'

I just kept driving. I made him think I'd give him a go all along. I wanted to make him sorry. Then I'd be the winner for the last time. I could feel him watching me. I just kept driving. I pretended like he wasn't even there. Jordan was getting ants in his pant. It felt brutal. I wanted it to last forever.

Jordan: 'Come on, man, give us a go. You've had it ages.'

Me: 'You'll break it.'

Jordan: 'No I won't, I'm a wicked driver. I never crash.'

Me: 'We're not even friends anymore.'

Jordan: 'Who says? Come on, man.'

Me: 'Two more minutes.'

Jordan: 'One minute. I'll show you how to make it flip over, it's well sick.'

This is the bit I'd been waiting for. I had to make him want it proper bad. I had to make him beg. That way when I took it away it would hurt even more. I wanted to punish him. It was my duty.

Everything went dark and quiet. I could feel my heart going proper fast just waiting for the right time. I knew it would be brutal. I was by my door. It was perfect. I had to bite my lips to hold the laughing in.

Me: 'I can't, I've got to go in now. My dinner's ready.'

I picked up my car and went inside. I shut the door behind me. It felt brilliant. I did it sharp-sharp. He didn't even have time to suspect it. He didn't even know it was going to happen. It was perfect. Now I'm the winner forever.

Poppy doesn't need to wear make-ups because she already is beautiful. Miquita and Chanelle and all the others only have to wear it because they're ugly underneath. Miquita always wears green eyeshadow. It makes her look like a frog.

It makes her look like a skanky green fool but I didn't tell her. I just couldn't be bothered.

Miquita was putting her cherry lipstick on. My heart went proper fast. There was no going back.

Miquita: 'Are you ready for me then? Did you brush your teeth? No, I'm only joking, I know you're clean. You're a sweet boy, innit.'

Miquita's going to teach me how to kiss. Miquita has sucked off a hundred boys, she knows all the best ways to do it. If I know how to kiss properly then Poppy will never cut me for another boy.

I don't want Poppy to cut me. I want her to be my mine forever. It feels too good. The best bit is when I get to protect her from the bad things, like when I take the wasps away. Poppy's always grateful. When she smiles for me it makes my belly go lovely and warm.

It felt crazy already but you had to stay proper still. Just forget that you hate Miquita, just remember her big juicy behind and her big bouncy boobs and her expert lips. Just use her to get ready for the real thing. Lydia was even laughing. She loved it.

Lydia:
'I want a lover,
Not a Casanova.'

Me: 'Gowayou!'

Lydia: '
We will love every day. You will be my lover.'

Me: 'Shut up! I go sound you!'

Miquita: 'Just hold still, Juicy Fruit. Relax.'

I was squeezed down on the sofa. Miquita sat on top of me. I couldn't get away even if I wanted to, she weighs a ton. She was licking her lips like a big crazy fish. I closed my eyes to make it go faster.

Miquita: 'Open your mouth a bit more, that's it. Relax, man. You're gonna like it, I promise.'

Everything went proper slow. I could feel Miquita getting closer. I could hear her breathing all hot in my face, then her boob was touching my arm. Then she kissed me right on the lips. It was quite soft. It was even not too bad until I felt her tongue go in.

Me: 'Nnngggtngg, yudiing saanythnnngabouutnng!'

Miquita stopped. I got my breath back.

Miquita: 'What wa's that?'

Me: 'You didn't say anything about tongues!'

Miquita: 'But everyone likes the tongue. You gotta learn the best way or there's no point. Just go with it.'

Lydia: 'They're only Year 7, they don't need to know about tongues.'

Miquita: 'Shut up, man, what would you know? Just let me do my work, innit. Do you want your brother to be a batty boy?'

She put her tongue back in. It was all hot and slimy. Asweh, it was disgusting. I wriggled to get free but she just pushed me down harder. Miquita was making a horrible kissy groaning noise like a zombie in love. Her lips kept sucking. Her tongue was twisting around in my mouth like a nasty snake. I just thought about Poppy. I made her yellow fill me up like the sun. Then I felt somebody grab my hand. I pushed down on the sofa so they couldn't peel it off.

Lydia: 'Miquita.'

Miquita: 'Just relax, man. Give me it.'

She pinched my hand to make me let go, then she took it and put it down her pant. I could feel hair on my fingers. It was all scratchy. It tickled. That's when it all got too crazy. I swear by God, I wanted to be sick. She peeled my fingers apart and stuck one up her toto. It felt wet and rubbery. She got another finger and another finger and she made my hand go up and down. Her lips kept sucking, her breath kept blowing hot up my nose. I couldn't even stop it. I don't even like cherry. My belly felt sick like the sea.

Me: 'Stoppih! Lyda, helllpe! Gehhheroff!'

Lydia: 'He's had enough. He keeps holding his breath.'

Miquita: 'I'll say when he's had enough, what are you gonna do, Chlamydia? Stop wriggling, man. I thought you wanted to learn.'

Me: 'I changed my mind. Get off me!'

I got all my blood and pushed her away. Miquita's eyes were all sleepy and stupid and she was breathing crazy like from a fight. Her jeans were open and she was still holding my hand down her pant. I pulled it out sharp-sharp while I had the chance. My skin was crawling with hair tickles and my fingers were all shiny from her toto. I just wanted to die.

Miquita: 'Not bad for a beginner. Don't lick my teeth though, girls don't like it. Wanna try again?'

Me: 'Go away, I'm not doing it anymore! Just piss off!'

I got away before she could hold me down again. I washed my lips and hands. When I tried to ease myself it came out all weird, I think she broke something. Lydia should have stopped her. I should have kept the locks locked. It was a bad idea. I don't even know how it happened. If Poppy finds out I sucked off another girl she'll cut me for sure.

Me: 'Stupid bitch. You're not even funny!'

Miquita was outside the bathroom. She was smiling like a stupid fat frog.

Miquita: 'We ain't finished yet, that was just the first lesson, innit. Did I make your willy go hard? Did you get a funny feeling down there?'

Me: 'No.'

Lydia: 'Don't say that, he's too young. Just leave him alone.'

Miquita: 'Who are you, his mum? Just 'cause you're tight, don't mean everyone's like you. You lot are so f—ing lame, man.'

Lydia: 'At least my boyfriend's not a murderer.'

Everything stopped. Lydia shut her mouth again sharp-sharp but it was too late, the words were already out, she couldn't get them back. Miquita's face went all stiff.

Miquita: 'What did you say?'

I thought Lydia was going to cry. She didn't move. She was trapped in the shock. Everybody was. I just didn't suspect it in a million years, it was too big to let out. It was the wrong kind of quiet and somebody had to break it. Mamma's never here when we need her.

Me: 'You shouldn't let them burn you.'

Miquita: 'What?'

Lydia felt the iron burn on her face where it was nearly faded away. She got my message and the blood I sent her. She woke up.

Lydia: 'You should just tell him to stop. Look at your hands, how could you let someone do that to you? That's just weak.'

Miquita buttoned up her jeans. You couldn't see her hands, they were moving too much. You couldn't hate her fat burny hands anymore, it didn't feel fair.

Miquita: 'Who you calling weak? You saw what I did to Chanelle.'

Me: 'She's not Chanelle, she's Lydia. And if you touch her again I'll chook you with the toothy knife. I'll get Julius to bash you, he's a real gangster.'

Lydia: 'No you won't. Just go home, Miquita. We don't want you here anymore.'

Miquita: 'Am I's'posed to care? You're just a stupid little bitch.'

I kept waiting for an earthquake but it never came. Miquita didn't know what to do, she just split proper quiet. I locked the locks behind her and got the Oreos from Mamma's secret drawer. It was a new packet. I let Lydia open them. The first one is always the tastiest.

I was just minding my own business, snacking on some sesame seeds the lady who drives the chair car put out. She likes to watch us eat from her kitchen window, she dreams of skinny-dipping in warm waters, dreams seahorses nibbling softly at her tender toes, winding their tiny prehensile tails around the soft perches of her nipples. Each to their own, I say, life's too short to think of your dreams as anything but blameless and bona fide.

They came from nowhere, I didn't have a chance to get ready. Four of them. First I feel a
whuuump
at my back, of breaking air and collapsing space. Before I can turn around he's on top of me, the big male, he leans over my shoulder and sticks his black beak in my face, I see his beady eyes shining with dull intent, him and his cronies mean to make me pay for some perceived slight or another, maybe they don't like the way I walk but I'm pinned to the ground now, and his three accomplices form a triangle around me to bar my escape. I kick and bite and heave myself upward but two points of the triangle close in and there are three knives in my ribs now, three sets of claws digging at me like loose topsoil, I can feel myself being pulled apart, my pigeon skin slipping from its moorings. I make myself a nail bomb but the walls of the world are clamping shut and maybe I'm mortal after all. If I'm not here who looks after the boy?

Me:
'Aaarrghhhhhhhh! Fuck off, magpies!'

I ran and jumped through them and made them all fly away. My pigeon was just sitting on the grass, he looked proper scared and sorry for himself. I wanted to cry but I couldn't see any blood or broken bits.

Me: 'Are you alright?'

Pigeon: ' '

I went to pick him up but he split before I could catch him, he just flew up to the roof of the never-normal flats, he was still working and everything was alright. Asweh, it was a mighty relief!

Me: 'Be careful, pigeon, they might still come after you. Keep your eyes peeled. I'll come and see you when I get home from school, OK?'

Pigeon: 'OK. You're a good boy, Harri. Thank you for saving me.' (He only said it inside my head.)

Girls love it when you give them presents. It means you're serious about them. Girls always want you to be serious about them, otherwise they worry too much and it's not fun anymore. I gave Poppy a Jelly Ring. It was my secret sorry for kissing Miquita. She put it on her finger. I never asked her to, she just did it anyway.

Poppy: 'Thank you!'

Me: 'Don't mention it!'

Then she ate it.

I don't even want to kiss Poppy. I don't want to kiss anybody anymore, not after Miquita nearly broke my bulla. I'll only kiss Poppy if she asks me for it. If I win Sports Day she'll probably want to kiss me then. I'll just do it if I have to but not on the lips.

Clipz: 'Oi, batty boy! You shagged her yet? Want me to show you how?'

We just walked past. I didn't even look at him. I don't even want to sit on the top steps, there's nothing special about them. I prefer the Science block steps, you can see just as much and Poppy's there to share it with. The top steps aren't even worth it.

Four hundred metres is one whole lap around the running track. It looks quite far. I touched my lane for good luck. I saw Brett Shawcross do it. Me and Brett Shawcross were the favourites. Nobody knew who'd win from us, they couldn't decide. They wanted both the two of us to win but it's impossible. Only one can be the winner.

Brett Shawcross: 'You can have silver. I'm gonna get gold.'