Pieces of Me (17 page)

Chapter Twenty One

My
head is throbbing when I wake up. I’m tangled up in the sheets of Cole’s bed,
but Cole is gone.

He
had held me. He had let me curl up against him with his arms wrapped tight
around my waist, and held me while I slept.

It
was the best sleep I'd had since before Thanksgiving.

I
let myself lay there for a long time, breathing in the scent of him that
surrounds me. I'm almost afraid to get up and leave the room to find him,
afraid that in the light of day everything will look different

I
shift, stretching across the bed. I had lost the oversized sweatpants sometime
during the night and am left only in his t-shirt and my underwear. I sit up in
the bed when I hear footsteps coming down the hall. Moments later Cole moves
into the room and crosses over to sit on the bed, twisting open a bottle of
water before handing it to me. He brushes a hand over my hair and down to rest
on my hip. Instantly I feel the heat spread throughout my body.

“Are
you okay?” he asks while his other hand reaches up, the fingers rolling across
my head. “You look like you have a headache. You want anything for it?”

I
shake my head. “No drugs.”

“Okay.”

We're
both quiet as I drink quietly from the bottle of water. I'm not sure what moves
I'm supposed to make now. I had always worried about how he would react with
the knowledge but apparently I should have been worried about how I would react
with him having the knowledge.

“So
you must have one serious bottled water bill.” he finally says, just as I take
another drink of water. Half of it ends up rolling down my chin as I choke on
it.

“Sorry.”
He smiles. “I was trying to lighten the mood. I'm an asshole.”

“No.”
I laugh. “I just wasn't expecting it, it's fine.”

We
lapse into silence again. I start picking at a string on his bedspread while I
wait for him to say something, anything. Finally unable to sit in silence any
longer I say, “I've never told anyone except the police. Never said the words
but the one time I had to. I'm sorry, more sorry than I can say, that I didn't
tell you. That I was afraid to.”

“I
shouldn't have pushed you.” Our fingers have linked together and rest on his
thigh. “I knew whatever it was it was big, but seeing you that day, having you
push me away like that, it tore me apart and I snapped. I regretted it almost
the second the words came out. But it was a long drive home, Del, and gave me
plenty of time to work up anger that you hadn't fought for us.”

“Oh.”

I
feel my forehead wrinkle as I try to find the words to explain to him the
demons that I wrestle every day. I've never had anyone who wanted to
understand. Someone who held me while I slept.

His
eyes are dark navy as I meet them.

“It
was like being broken into a thousand different pieces. But worse is the
knowledge that those pieces are never going to fit the same way they did
before. That they aren’t just broken, they're....dirty. And it doesn't matter
how many people tell you it isn't your fault, that you have nothing to be
ashamed of, you can't help but feel that you'll never be all the way clean
again.”

His
hand tightens around mine. I know he doesn't agree with my assessment of
myself. His displeasure over my words is clear in his eyes, which haven't left
mine.

“I
still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and I swear I can feel him
touching me. There are still days I scrub my skin raw in the shower because I
think I can smell him on me. I’ll never get rid of that, Cole. It isn't fair of
me to ask someone to take that on, especially a twenty-one year old guy who has
a reputation for bouncing between girls like a ping pong ball.”

“Delaney,”

“No,
wait.” I interrupt before he can say anything else. “I came here, because
getting away was the only thing that kept me going for years. Getting away
became an obsession. For me there was literally nothing else but the fantasy
that my life would suddenly be better when I was no longer in the place where
that monster shattered me. I promised myself that I would be different here,
maybe not normal, but as close as I was ever going to get. I wasn't concerned
about making friends or falling in love, Cole, I just wanted to be able to walk
down the street without thinking that everyone was able to see the shame I
felt, where people didn't know how screwed up I was.”

I
pause shaking my head softly. “You really fucked that up for me.”

He
is only silent for a moment. “Which part?”

“What?”

Cole
cups his free hand around my neck, holding me gently in place so I can't squirm
away.

“You
said you weren't concerned about making friends or falling in love.” he says
softly. “So which part did I fuck up? The friendship or the falling?”

I
blink slowly. He is staring at me so intently, those eyes focused in on mine as
he waits for me to answer. He looks so vulnerable. Like he’s afraid I'm not
going to provide him the answer he wants to hear. Seeing him like this is like
feeling my heart shatter all over again before starting to pull itself together
once more.

“Oh,
Cole, how could I not love you?”

Before
I can say anything else, before I can even think anything his lips are on mine.
Just as warm and soft as I remember. I feel the spark of heat flare to life in
my belly and the way my heart seems to kick start into overdrive. I'm
overwhelmed by the emotions that roll over me.

He
shifts, pulling me closer against him, and the heat of his body mixes in with
mine, fanning flames of desire that I had been so afraid I would never get to
feel with him again.

He
pulls back, just slightly, so that his lips are just hovering above mine now.
The gorgeous blue of his eyes is just barely visible as he watches me. But I
see the slight hesitation in them.

“Don’t,”
I whisper. “Don't treat me any different, Cole.”

It
would break my heart.

“How
can I not?” he asks softly.

I
feel the shock of the words right to my core, and I know I can't stop the pain
from hearing those words from crossing my face. My body stiffens against his,
but when I go to pull away he anchors me against him.

“You're
so strong, Del, so beautiful.” His lips brush along my temple, down across my
cheek. They dance along my jaw, moving, light as air, over my throat. “I don't
want you any less.” Those clever lips start to skim back up my throat along the
other side. “I don't love you any less.” They brush across my own and as I suck
in a startled breath at his words, his tongue slides inside my mouth, and he
consumes me.

I
feel the warmth of tears as they trickle out of the corner of my eyes at his
words.

He
loves me.

*******************

I
never realized watching someone make breakfast could be so fascinating. I pull
one leg up, resting my foot on the edge of the chair at the kitchen table as I
watch the muscles of Coles back bunch and shift as he cracks another egg into
the bowl. He is only wearing a pair of athletic shorts, his feet bare, and his
hair still damp from his shower. He'd dropped his iPod into a docking station
on the counter next to the fridge when we first came into the room so there is
music playing.

“How
many eggs can you eat?”

Cole
twists his head around to look at me. It takes me a moment to answer as I watch
those muscles move again. He raises his eyebrows, obviously amused that he's
rendered me somewhat speechless. I shake my head in an attempt to clear it.

“Ummm,
two?”

His
eyes narrow. “You're biting your lip. If you're hungry, you should probably
stop doing that.”

I
immediately stop, flushing as he laughs before turning back to the stove. I had
never thought I’d be sitting here like this with him again. Talking with him
this morning had made me realize that it wasn't so much that I had been afraid
of how he would look at me when he knew. I simply hadn't felt that I was good
enough for him because of what had happened to me. I was still deeply ashamed,
and I had been afraid that he wouldn't think I was good enough for him either
when he found out the truth.

“Are
you making eggs?” Holden's voice booms into the room, and I can hear him coming
down the stairs. “Ally is taking a shower and Grace should be here....Delaney.”

Holden
pulls up short in the living room. His eyes bounce back and forth between Cole
and I. Cole, damn him, is standing at the stove shoving eggs around a pan,
ignoring his brother.

“Hello,
Holden,” I say softly.

“Hello.
Um, I wasn't expecting to see you here.”

I
draw my other leg up, wrapping my arms around them as I force myself to meet
his eyes head on. Bruno Mars is singing in the background about being a
treasure, and I want to sink into a hole in the ground. How had I not prepared
myself to see his brother? Or Grace for that matter? I hadn't thought past the
moment. Something that was very unusual for me.

“Stop
staring at her like a jackass, Holden,” Cole finally says. “Did you say Grace
was coming? Is Grant with her? I don't think we have enough eggs.”

I
feel the nausea pool in my stomach. I'm not ready to see Grace. I'm not sure I
can handle her this morning, not when I'm still emotionally drained from
talking to Cole. I drop my feet down off the chair.

“I
should go.”

“No.”
Cole flicks the stove off before coming to stand next to me. “You aren't
leaving.”

I
tilt my head back so I can look him in the eyes. “It's okay. We can get
together later.” I glance at Holden. “I don't think it's a good idea for me to
be here, Cole. She was really pissed at me.” I hastily add. “For good reason.”

Holden
is still standing there staring at me. It's unnerving.

“You’re
not leaving, Delaney, not when I just got you back.”

I
flush with happiness at his words. I'm about to open my mouth and tell him that
I'll come back later when I hear the front door open. I feel my eyes widen as I
hear Grace’s voice. I don't have time to prepare myself to face her before she
is stepping into the room.

“Hey
Holden, whose car is that...” She stops talking altogether and my head drops
forward, my forehead landing on Coles chest as the tension in the room
instantly thickens.

“Well,
well,” Grace finally says, “Hello, Delaney.”

“Hello.”
My voice is muffled against Cole’s chest. He’s wrapped his arms around me, his
hands tugging on the end of the braid I'd put my hair in that morning.

“What
is she doing here?”

“Jesus,
Grace,” Holden mutters, finally moving. He steps into the tiny kitchen to make
himself a cup of coffee.

“What?”
Grace’s tone is defensive. “When I left last night we still couldn't mention
her name and now here she is standing in the fucking kitchen.”

“Watch
what you say, Grace.”

“It’s
fine,” I whisper. “It's fine.”

“She
doesn't have to be a bitch,” Cole growls.

“Hey.”
Grant had been standing silently behind Grace until now.

“It's
fine, Cole,” I say again. “I'll just go for now.”

“That's
right. Because running away is what you're good at.”

I
feel Cole tense under my hands. My hands drop down to his lean waist, squeezing
his hips softly. “It's not her fault. I didn't tell her, so she doesn't know,
and she has every right to be angry, Cole.”

“You’re
damn right I do.” Grace snaps behind me. “You dropped him like it was nothing
and then you walked away from our friendship like it was the easiest fucking
thing you've ever done. Now you waltz back in and make up with Cole and it’s
magically supposed to be better between us? Fuck that. And fuck you, Cole, for
thinking I would just roll over like it never happened.”

“Maybe
if you shut up and let her explain.”

“I
don't need her to explain anything.” Grace interrupts him. Part of me is
relieved because I don't want to talk about it again.

“I
think you need to hear her out,” Cole says again. I feel the slight tightening
of his fingers where they have come to rest on my waist. He doesn't want to
hear it again any more than I want to say it.

“No.”

“Grace,”
Grant mummers softly. “You need to tell them.”

“Tell
us what?”

Ally
has come down the stairs, and she doesn't seem at all surprised to see me
standing there next to Cole. She just gives me a small smile as she grabs the
cup of coffee out of Holden's hands and takes a small sip.

“I
don't need her to tell me because I already know.” Grace finally says and I
feel all the blood drain out of my face.

How
does she know? And if she knows then who else does? Obviously Cole hadn't known;
I had taken him by complete surprise last night.